Monday 12 December 2016

That Time of the Year

As the year draws to a close, something strange happens. Your workload seems to suddenly grow to Everest-size proportions, no-one is available for meetings although everyone wants meetings and people run around frantically buying Christmas pressies. Unfortunately this accounts for my silence in the past few weeks as well, just minus the Christmas shopping. Even so, when I came across this gem, I just had to take the time to share it:

An unidentified mom was pretty concerned about some unusual symptoms that her teenage daughter had been displaying, so she brought her on down to the doctor for a checkup. As Boredom Therapy shares, both mother and daughter weren’t too pleased with his diagnosis, but the doctor was able to quickly put them both in check.

After the initial pleasantries, the mother explains what’s been going on with her daughter.

“She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings,” the mom says.

The doctor has a look, and he reaches a conclusion that the girl is about four months pregnant. Flabbergasted, the mother simply can’t wrap her head around what the doctor has told her.

“Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!” mom says.

The daughter concurs and assures her mother that she’s never even kissed a man, so the doctor heads on over to look out the window. After a few awkward moments pass, the mom asks the doctor if there’s something wrong.

“No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!” he said.


Wednesday 30 November 2016

Love in the Strangest Places

I read something on Facebook that intrigued me greatly. And because I like to confirm facts I looked it up and found it to be true. I read that the anglerfish mates by the male finding a female, biting her and releasing an enzyme which causes them to merge together to the point where they are sharing the same bloodstream. They literally become one flesh. It is a very sweet love story, unfortunately told by one of the creepiest creatures on the planet....
Let's face it, if you saw that face in the middle of the night, heck, even the middle of the day, you would run away screaming in the opposite direction! It is not what I would classify as cuddly. This fish is a predator that lurks in the depths of the ocean, luring in unsuspecting prey with the little light-emitting extension on its forehead. When prey get in close to examine this shining beacon in the dark ocean, their last impression is one of jagged teeth and a swift death. Not exactly an endearing quality!

And yet, the story of the anglerfish female and her mate is almost Biblical. The juvenile male will swim around, his entire existence focused on finding a female. Most of the time he will be unable to fend for himself, as he is much smaller than the female and not yet fully developed. Upon finding a female he attaches to her as I described in the first paragraph and they become as one. He relies on her for food and she relies on him for sperm. And it stays this way until her death. They can go through several mating cycles, always together, sharing literally everything.

I pointed out to a friend of mine that the story of the anglerfish is very Biblical, two becoming as one flesh and sharing every experience together. But I did mention that is was a shame that such a worthy love story was being told by one of the ugliest things on the planet. She then pointed out to me that, in God's eyes, our righteousness is like filthy rags (see Isaiah 64:6) and so in essence, we are much more like the anglerfish than we would care to admit! So who knew that in the dark depths of the ocean, a murky place filled with terror and teeth, lives a creature that so perfectly sums up God's plan for marriage. It just goes to show, we serve an amazing God!

Thursday 24 November 2016

Doomed! Or are we?

Just when we thought South Africa couldn't get any stranger, news reports have surfaced about a Pastor in Limpopo using aerosol insect killer to heal his congregants. And how does he do it? Does he mix it with special herbs and spices and feed it to them? Does he dilute it in a special liquid and sprinkle it over them? No, he sprays it on them. Directly in their faces in most cases.
Let's take a look at the situation. Doom is a South African insecticide meant for killing spiders, cockroaches, ants, moths, flies, mosquitoes and a variety of other creepy crawlies that managed to find their way into your home. And it is meant to do so quickly and efficiently. No questions asked. So when it was revealed that a Pastor was dousing his congregation in it in order to "heal" them, the internet jumped on it faster than a playful cat on a bare ankle.

I know that a lot of Pastors like to preach Doom and Gloom, but this one takes it rather literally. And when asked about it, he responds like most way-out-there Pastors do, namely God told him to do it. Now, don't get me wrong. I absolutely believe in the healing power of God. I'm just not entirely certain about having to be sprayed in the face with insecticide in order to receive it.

I wish I could say that we all just misunderstand this guy. That maybe he saw a fly hovering around on a hot day, grabbed a can of Doom and gave it a good spraying. Unfortunately a worshipper was in the way and he had to come up with an excuse. But no, he believes in his methods all the way. I know that I do not possess infinite wisdom or vast archives of knowledge, but I cannot fathom how this works. I mean, what is a Sunday service like in that church?

Pastor sprays a worshipper in the face. There is thud as the worshipper hits the ground.
"There we go, she is healed!" the Pastor exclaims.
"Um, Pastor? She's dead." a deacon would announce.
"Yes, but she is not sick anymore, is she!"

Call me old fashioned, but I think I shall just stick to my own church, if you don't mind.....

Monday 7 November 2016

A Beautiful Mind

I saw a post on Facebook that had me chuckling:
I was laughing, not because it seems absurd, but because I can identify with it completely! To me, mathematics has always been in the same league as other major human mysteries, such as "How to win arguments with women" and "How can a toddler that is 3 feet tall end up at the top of a gigantic tree in under 10 seconds". I am convinced that mathematics is actually a secret Nazi plot to mess with us all!

I once did a maths exam where the only thing I got right on the entire maths paper was my name. And that was it. Afterwards the teacher asked to speak to me and advised me to never ever take up any profession that requires mathematics. On that day I decided that it sounded like a very wise suggestion and I have since followed it wholeheartedly.

I have to admit, I do know one or two people that are good at maths. They can do extremely complicated calculations in their mind and get the answer right every time. And I have decided that they are not from our humble little planet. They probably come from some obscure planet in a far-off galaxy that no-one has ever heard of or cared about. And maths is part of their language. That is how they communicate with one another. Some poor unlucky soul probably just happened to overhear a conversation and thought "Now that sounds interesting!" If you want further proof that aliens exist and influence our culture significantly, look at dubstep. I am convinced it was actually alien communication sent to Earth in order to make contact but people started dancing to it instead.

Further proof that maths is some sort of supernatural torture is its effect on the space-time continuum. It can actually make time slow down. Just take those last five minutes of maths class on a Friday afternoon and you will know exactly what I am talking about!

Currently in South Africa there is a major trend where everything must fall. Fees must fall, Data must fall, Science must fall. And while I don't agree with how the people go about demonstrating their displeasure with things that must fall, if someone comes up with Maths must fall, I will wholeheartedly stand with them!

Wednesday 2 November 2016

Scaredy-Cat

While perusing my usual morning news sites, I happened upon an article about the top 10 creepiest jobs in South Africa. I was quite surprised while reading through the list, as I thought it would include clowns and possibly politicians, but alas, I was wrong. So herewith the Top 10 Creepiest Jobs in South Africa.....
1. Gravedigger
Do you enjoy being outdoors? Are you a fan of manual labour that doesn't require any qualifications? Do you enjoy meeting new people? Then grave digging is just the job for you! Apart from the fact that your clientele is dead......well, hopefully.

2. Forensic Entomologist
For those who are now scratching their heads, let me save you the trip to Google. A regular entomologist is a person that studies insects. Now while that is already sort of creepy in and of itself, a forensic entomologist studies insects in dead bodies. Think of Doctor Hodgens in the TV series Bones. So not only should you have an unhealthy interest in insects, you should also be fine with digging them out of corpses. Not exactly the kind of person I'd like to hang out with.....

3. Road Kill Removal Specialist
Yep, there are people who remove dead animals from the road. And because they can't do it during the day when the roads are busy, they do it at night. So you can sleep soundly tonight knowing that our roads will be safer because someone out there is dragging a kudu carcass around and mopping up the road surface.

4. Arachnologist
This is a person who studies spiders for a living. So someone wakes up in the morning, showers, gets dressed, and then goes out to handle spiders, stick them under a microscope, milk them for their venom, check out their silk and generally get all enthusiastic about something that has way more legs than it is supposed to. Why? Just why?

5. Forensic Scientist
This profession has been made to seem a lot more glamorous than it truly is by series like CSI and NCIS. More often than not you are asked to collect bits of human from accidents and the occasional crime scene. Then you spend the rest of the day putting them all back together again, studying them and generally trying to figure out what killed the unfortunate person in question.

6. Crime Scene Cleaner
After the guys who arrive first and get all the attention leave, it is up to the intrepid crime scene cleaner to tidy everything up. This can involve having to clean up bloodstains and pieces of brain or other fun and disgusting body parts. They even get called in to clean up meth labs and other drug creation sites. So, bored of your office cleaning job, are you? Maybe you can go and scrape some brain off a wall.

7. Blood Technician
Someone who works with blood for a living. A haemodialysis technician analyses blood, looking for diseases or mutations and variations. The upside to this job is that you can tell people you are a vampire when asked what you do for a living.

8. Taxidermist
Someone who preserves animals, whether for hunters, museums or just the little old lady that is not quite ready to part with her beloved family pet. Not exactly my cup of tea.....

9. Police Diver
A police diver has to swim around in murky conditions looking for bodies or evidence which has been discarded in a body of water. I suspect the only thing creepier than finding a body is finding a body when some fish have been feasting on it.

10. Clinical Trial Subject
When a new drug is created, it requires test subjects to see whether it actually works. Now seeing as they can't just randomly pull people off the streets and inject them full of weird and wonderful things to see whether they grow a third nipple or glow in the dark, they have to ask for volunteers. While this is a relatively well-paying job, you have to get used to developing some strange side-effects. After all, they don't quite know what this drug is going to do to you until they test it. So when the nice paycheck arrives, you can use it for surgery to amputate your newly grown tail.....

Monday 17 October 2016

Ons vir jou, Suid-Afrika!

Gewoonlik sou ek my blog artikel in Engels doen sodat meer mense dit kan lees en verstaan. Maar die afgelope ruk het sekere gebeurtenisse in Suid-Afrika my laat besluit om hierdie artikel in Afrikaans te doen. Ons trotse Afrikaner kultuur is die afgelope ruk sonder ophou aangeval. Of dit nou in die parlement of by skole en universiteite is, ons kultuur en ons taal word konstant geteiken. "Dit is die taal van rassisme!" word uitgeroep tydens optogte. "Afrikaans moet val!" Wat bloot 'n opstand teen universiteitkostes was het 'n direkte aanval teen Afrikaans en die Afrikaner kultuur geword.

Ek het absoluut niks teen ander kulture en geloofsinstansies nie. Ek respekteer die waardes van ander kulture. Maar hoekom moet ek my eie kultuur en geloof opsy skuif omdat dit nie by die wêreldse norm pas nie? Hoekom moet my pragtige taal ly omdat die meerderheid dit nie praat nie? So terwyl die massas in ons land dit probeer onderdruk, laat ek julle my opinie gee.

My taal is my trots! Afrikaans is in my bloed. Dis in my murg en been. Dit is 'n taal waamee jy pragtige en skone beelde kan skep. My taal is die warm beker boeretroos vir my siel. Dit gee my 'n identiteit, een waarvoor daar jare lank baklei is. My taal is my eie. Dit is wie ek is. Niemand sal dit van my af kan wegneem nie!

My kultuur is in my ingevleg. Dit het 'n ryk geskiedenis. Van die werke van CJ Langenhoven wat ons pragtige Afrikaner volkslied geskep het tot die pragtige poësie van C. Louis Leipoldt, dit is deel van my. My kultuur is die koeksister wat soetheid aan my siel gee. Dit is 'n koele lafenis na 'n warm dag. Dit is kleurryk en pragtig!

Laat ons as Afrikaners nie vergeet wie ons is nie. Laat ons nie verder toelaat dat ons beeldskone taal en ryk kultuur onderdruk word nie. Laat ons vreesloos opstaan vir dit waarin ons glo. Laat ons saam as 'n Afrikanervolk opstaan, ons hand op ons hart sit en hard en duidelik uitroep: "ONS VIR JOU, SUID-AFRIKA!"


Monday 10 October 2016

Cry of the Gentleman

Something that has become a regular occurrence on the internet and social media is women decrying the death of the gentleman. "Gentleman don't exist anymore!" "Bring back the gentleman!" "Oh, how I wish there were still gentlemen out there!" You read these or similar statements almost every day. But ladies, fear not! I have some good news for you! Gentlemen still exist! You can still encounter them in your daily lives. There is just one problem.......you ignore them!
"We certainly do not!" you exclaim. "We would know a gentleman if we saw one!" Nope, you really wouldn't. And why is that? Because society has lead us to believe that every man is trying to get into your pants. Which doesn't make sense, because we wouldn't fit into your pants. All jokes aside though, I was raised to respect the female gender. To open doors for them, and to let them walk in first. To be polite and to offer to help with carrying heavy items with no expectation of anything but a "thank you" in return. But for some reason such behaviour seems to confuse those of the female persuasion these days. When I am at a store and see a woman struggling with a heavy item and I offer to assist, I always get a cold "no, thanks" in return. When I hold open a door for a woman, I get a confused look as if I have just sprouted cat ears and started floating.

Ladies, the gentlemen are out there! They still exist! And chances are that you are encountering them every day! But you miss them. You will walk past the guy holding open the door for you while furiously tweeting about the lack of gentlemen in your life. You will keep struggling with the heavy grocery item while coldly refusing help from a guy because just now he wants to get into your pants. Again, they won't fit us! You need not worry! So here is a plea from gentlemen everywhere. A cry for attention, if you will. Ladies, we are here! And we still have proper moral values! And, if you let us, you will realise that we are not going anywhere!

Thursday 6 October 2016

Pass the Cheese

I am a really big fan of cheese! And who can blame me? Well, okay, maybe those who are lactose intolerant might have a thing or two to say, but as I do not fall into that category I can freely enjoy the rich flavours and awesome textures of cheese. And the variety of cheeses available are staggering!
But while researching some innovative recipes using this humble dairy product, I happened upon an article describing some of the strangest cheeses in the world. I thought I would share my findings with you.

From Italy: Casu Marzu
Like caviar, Casu Marzu is enjoyed only by a select population. That's because it's served with live maggots. At this point you are either fascinated, horrified or have browsed away in order to think happy thoughts, but bear with me. It has a fan base in Sardinia, where sheep farmers for centuries have made pecorino cheese and left it to rot and attract flies. When the flies' eggs hatch the transformation takes place and the cheese becomes Casu Marzu. It's then consumed with relish or perhaps trepidation and it has an aftertaste that lasts for hours. Gordon Ramsay once called it "the most dangerous cheese in the world." Can't really blame him for that!

From Germany: Milbenkase
Just when you thought the Italians took the proverbial cheese for their maggots, along come the Germans with their mite excrement variety. Yeah, unfortunately you did read that correctly! Produced in Wurchwitz from quark (a type of German dairy product, it is made by warming soured milk until the desired degree of curdling is met, and then straining it), it sits among dust mites for several months, with some rye for them to nibble on. The mites excrete an enzyme to ripen the cheese that turns it progressively yellow, red-brown and then black, at which point it's eaten, mites and all. Bitter and zesty, the cheese is said to have curative effects for allergies to house dust. I think rather just use a broom or a vacuum cleaner, but hey, whatever makes you happy! If you'd like some cheese with your mites, there's a mite-shaped memorial in Würchwitz -- in the hollow base there's some Milbenkase left for passersby to try.

From Tibet: Yak Cheese
Imagine sucking and gnawing a piece of cheese-flavored resin for several hours and you'll get an idea of how hard this cheese is -- it could in fact break your teeth, although there are softer varieties. The cheese is made by wrapping the curd from yak's milk in cloth and pressing it to get rid of the water. When it dries out it's cut into pieces and allowed to dry, often over a wood fire. It is said to be earthy and tasty. The yak is the male of the species and doesn't produce milk, so it really should be called nak cheese after the female. Otherwise we sincerely do not want to try this cheese!

From Central Asia: Airag Cheese
Airag cheese, or horse milk cheese, is common in Central Asia where the horse is still integral to life in many places. To make airag, a mare is milked during foaling season and the milk left to ferment with an agent such as last season's airag. It's either suspended next to the ger/yurt entrance so anyone passing can stir it or it's tied to a saddle to achieve the same effect over a day's riding. The airag is then added to boiled milk to curdle it, filtered through a fabric bag and pressed. It can be eaten fresh or dried. The dry variety is a popular snack out on the steppe, softened by soaking it in tea or soup.

From Ethiopia, Mauritania, Sudan and Bedouin communities: Camel Milk Cheese
Nomadic herders across Africa have been milking their camels for centuries. Not only are the resilient beasts a more viable alternative to cows in dry climates, but their rich, earthy milk has more fat and protein. However, making cheese from camel milk is a more difficult process, so herders use camel rennet from pieces of the animal's stomach to coagulate the milk and create curds. This may account for its sour taste and pungent aroma. To enjoy camelbert (see what I did there?) options you'll have to visit supermarket shelves in Nouakchott, the UAE and Saudi Arabia. It's also found in Kazakhstan, which I hear is lovely this time of year!

From New York: Breast Milk Cheese
When the freezer of New York chef Daniel Angerer started to overflow with his wife's breast milk, he decided to experiment with it rather than throw it out. He blogged about the process online with photos of mother's milk with beets and romaine, dehydrated porcini mushroom and onion chutney. For those feeling queasy, rest assured the cheese was never produced in his restaurant or sold. As for commercial opportunities, lactating mothers can't produce anything like the quantity of breast milk needed to make large quantities of cheese.

From the United States of America: American Cheese
In a country that celebrates National Grilled Cheese Day, it should come as no surprise that American cheese remains a staple on grocery shelves -- the texture and meltability are perfect for toasted sandwiches and burgers. Which is surprising, as technically, of course, American cheese isn't even real cheese; ingredients include milk, whey, milkfat, salt, gelatine, milk powder, dyed orange, artificial flavors and oil. The odd concoction is blended with a generic processed cheese to form the smooth, creamy and super-melty slices that are either loved, tolerated or abhorred around the United States.

From Canada: Lichen Cheese
When a small Quebec company found out the Inuit once ate a fermented lichen from the stomach of caribou that tasted like blue cheese, they decided to try it for themselves. Using Quebec goat's milk and lichen, the company creates a mold from roasting and boiling the lichen, then lets it rest and ferment. The cheese is, thankfully, still in its experimental stage.

From New Zealand: Deer Milk Cheese
Reindeer milk cheese has been produced among the Sami communities in Finland for years. Now, cheese from the humble red deer may soon become a hallmark of New Zealand. The combined work of scientists and a cheese maker have resulted in the first cheese from the Kiwi bambi. At $100 per liter, the rich deer milk isn't cheap, but with half of the world's farmed red deer production in New Zealand, farmers are getting excited about the possibility of having a product to sell beyond venison. Because clearly there is not much else to do in New Zealand!

From South America: Llama and Alpaca Cheese
Life on the harsh Altiplano would be a struggle without the alpacas and llamas that give their dung for fuel, hide for leather, wool for clothing and milk for cheese. Comical though they may appear (they even give the occasional spit and unusual noise) they're a little tricky to milk. Once extracted, though, their whole milk can be made into a long-lasting cheese that's salty, rich and heavy in texture. This finds its way into markets and local food like empanadas, though most travelers come across it only when visiting locals.
From Serbia: Donkey Milk Cheese
At the Zasavica Special Nature Reserve, 50 kilometers out of Belgrade, you can get your hands on pule, or donkey cheese. While healthy (it has 60 times more vitamin C than cow's milk) donkeys only produce 200 ml of milk a day. About 25 liters are required to make just one kilogram of cheese. That means the white, crumbly pule is both limited and costly. Currently it goes for about €1,000 a kilo, or $576 a pound. The reserve also makes soap, a liquor and facial cream from the milk. Cleopatra claimed her beauty was due to bathing in donkey milk.
Personally, I think I'll just stick to what I find in my local supermarket!

Monday 26 September 2016

Proudly South African

Last week I did a blog post on the most ludicrous questions that get asked on Yahoo Answers. This week I stumbled upon an article titled The Top 20 Silly Questions That Foreigners Ask South Africans. This seemed too good an opportunity to pass up, so without further ado, here are said top 20 silly questions that foreigners ask South Africans visiting or living in other countries:

20. Do you have the internet/ phones/ roads/ cars/ post/ shops/ schools/ money in South Africa?
No, we all live in the bush. To access the internet we have to go to special locations where we queue in order to use a computer.

19. Do you own a gun?
Yes, but it is mainly for shooting mosquitoes.

18. Do you have lions in your garden?
Constantly! Just last week one ate my poodle!

17. Do you ride around on elephants?
No, we prefer riding hyenas. They are much easier to park.

16. Why would you want to come here (UK, USA, etc)?
To see what actual houses look like.

15. Can you see Kilimanjaro from your house?
Only when it isn't raining.

14. Oh you’re from Johannesburg – do you know my friend Peter in Nairobi?
Peter! Of course! Do you know my friend Sixpence Dlamini?

13. How many wives does your husband have?
 72, but I'm his favourite.

12. How does it feel to wear clothes?
Fantastic! Loincloths really chafe!

11. Have you ever had Aids?
Yeah, but I took some tablets and now I am fine again.

10. Which tribe do you belong to?
I belong to the Blue Bullius Proteana Tribe. Once a year we paint ourselves blue and watch other people fight over a ball.

9. So you’re down next to Australia, right?
Yes, in fact, on a clear day I can see Sydney.

8. Do you speak African?
Yes, all 27 dialects.

7. Did you have a slave in South Africa?
Yes, but they keep being eaten by leopards.

6. But you don’t have a South African accent? (not understanding that there are a lot of different accents)
It took lots of training at a special school, but thankfully I don't have an accent any more.

5. I know that you lived in South Africa but where were you born? You must have been born somewhere else.
Yes, I was born in Guatemala.  As a coming of age ritual we have to swim to South Africa. The ones that aren't eaten by sharks get to live there.

4. How did you learn to speak English?
From the village elder.

3. Which country in South Africa are you from?
I live in the country of Grootfontein. It is like London, but with more elephants.

2. Are you black?
No, I started off as white but living outdoors wearing nothing but loincloths turned me black.

1. Why are you white?
Why are you asking me this?

Viva South Africa!

Wednesday 21 September 2016

Dawn of the (Brain)Dead

Every now and then when I am bored, or in serious need of a good belly laugh, I go onto Yahoo Answers. For those who don't know, Yahoo Answers is a forum where people can ask about literally anything, and then get answers from other people. And it definitely has its benefits. But you also get a glimpse into a dark world, a world filled with people who think with other parts of their body, because their brain has gone missing. I thought I'd share a few of dumbest questions ever asked, and their frankly brilliant answers.....

Question: “Why are babies so ugly when they are born?”
Answer: “How about you stay under water for 9 to 10 months then squeeze through a straw and see how you look???”

Question: “How do I get rid of oily face?”
Answer: “Getting rid of your face is not recommended. No matter how oily it is. The face serves many functions and you should not try to remove it.”

Question: “How big is Specific Ocean?”
Answer: “Can you be more Pacific?”

Question: “…Is it true that if you dye you hair a week before your period the dye doesn’t color as well?”
Answer: “It seems like most of your brain cells are already dead. So I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.”

Question: “I don’t fit in the family. I think its time to come clean with them, should I tell my parents I’m adopted?”
Answer: “No; let them keep guessing.”

Question: “If a two-year old hands you a toy phone, should you answer it? What will you do if this happened to you?”
Answer: ” Oh definitely, what happens if it's someone massively important on the other end?!”

Question: “I’ve been calling & calling & calling YouTube all day to come film me but no answer. How do other people get their videos up there? I have some really funny stuff but they won’t come.”
Answer: “You have to call 1-800-You-Tube. The issue is that they are so busy that they only answer the phones at 2 am on Sundays and Wednesdays only…this way they know who the serious people are and only send film crew out to those people. If you call at any other time you won’t even be connected through to them. Source(s): I work for YouTube.”

Question: “if I eat myself would I become twice as big or disappear completely?”
Answer: “That just blew my mind.”

Question: “Just ate 52 pizza rolls, will I die in my sleep? There are 152 calories in 2 rolls, will I die? Oh and I had 2 litters of coke with it.”
Answer: “You have a better chance of farting a hole through your sheets.”

Question: “What kind of bees produce milk?”
Answer: “What kind of cow produces honey?”

Question: “What percentage of water is celery”
Answer: “Water is exactly 0% celery.”

Question: “if evolution is true then why do pigs not have wings?"
Answer: “Because evolution doesn’t give you wings, Red Bull does.”

Question: “What’s better to learn, American, British or English?”
Answer: “well considering American is English, you should probably jump off a bridge.”

Question: “How was the routine of milking cows for milk discovered?”
Answer: “Guessing there was a cow molester?”

Question: “What does it mean when someone says “meow” to you?”
Answer: “They’re cats.”

Question: “I’m 11 and I have my period and my brother is 17 and he hasn’t got his yet? Does it take longer because he’s a boy?”
Answer: “Yeah, it just takes longer for a boy.”

Question: “Why doesn’t the earth fall down.”
Answer: “Because it can fly.”

Question: “How do you know if u’re possed by the devil, are their any signs?”
Answer: “Yes. Inability to spell.”

Question: “I would like to be a Justin Bieber fan. Currently I am a Jack Norris fan and I would like to switch to Justin Bieber. How can I successfully achieve this goal?”
Answer: “Lose all brain function. Maybe sustain a pretty substantial blow to your head.”

Question: “What does India produce more of?”
Answer: “They produce more Indians than any country on earth.”


I despair for mankind.....

Monday 12 September 2016

Greatness Awaits! Hah!

I've been a fan of the Sony Playstation since the very first iteration. Ah yes, the glorious days where the pixels were the size of VW Beetles and the loading times moved at a glacial pace, but you didn't care. And each time a new Playstation is announced I get excited. Now I will have more performance and the graphics won't look like the fever dreams of a concussed glue addict. Needless to say when the Playstation 4 came out I was ecstatic! I carefully saved up until I had enough to take the plunge and get mine. And it was......well, confusing.....
Let me explain. With the Playstation 3 you could plug it in, boot it up, configure a few settings and be playing your first game within 5 minutes. Not so with the 4. I booted it up and was greeted by the kind of background music usually reserved for most Swedish Spas. Thankfully you have the option of turning the music off, which then lessens your sudden craving for a massage. Then I had to go through a myriad of settings that had to be configured, with the Playstation also constantly informing me that it wants an internet connection. Included with my PS4 was a camera which I set up when I initially unpacked the system. Now, keep in mind that I live in South Africa, a place that doesn't have the Spring season. We go directly from Winter into Summer. No in-between. It's like walking between two rooms and the one has icicles hanging from the ceiling and the next is somewhere in Mordor. So needless to say I was in a state of undress while setting up my Playstation. It suddenly decided to activate its facial recognition software in order to finalise my user profile and I was presented with a shot of my genitals in full 1080p HD. That was rather unsettling. It then further informed me that I had to brighten my room as it couldn't find my face. (I have to clarify that I was standing in front of it at this point because the controller was plugged in and charging, so I was not seated on my couch.) I proceeded with a type of limbo dance where I was bent at the knees and leaning backwards because the PS4 kept saying I was too close to the camera. Eventually it found the right distance and then told me to perform certain movements with my head so that it could capture my face at various angles. After about 5 minutes of repeated attempts, I half expect the PS4 to just give up and use the genital shot instead. But finally, through perseverance and much straining (on my part), it was satisfied.

Then I decided to play a DVD on it, and again it demanded an internet connection, which took about 10 minutes to set up because it kept telling me to re-enter the WiFi password. So, in summary, I managed to get my new Playstation 4 set up and working, but it took longer than most advanced math tests. I don't want to do higher level calculus, I just want to play a game! At least if I ever decide to shave off my beard and the PS4 doesn't recognise me I know I can just drop my pants and it will know exactly who I am......

Monday 29 August 2016

The Land Down Under

While browsing through my favourite news sites this morning I came across an article about a juvenile Port Jackson shark found in a roadside puddle in Australia. The story goes that a member of the public was driving along a road in the town of One Tree Hill, Australia, when they spotted something thrashing about in a puddle. Upon investigation it turned out to be a small shark. Local authorities were baffled. I, on the other hand, wouldn't be. This is Australia we're talking about after all.
This is a land filled with many strange and wonderful creatures, most of which will be actively trying to kill you. James May, former host of Top Gear once said "It's terrible, it's too hot and it's full of spiders." Famed fantasy author Terry Pratchett even wrote a parody about Australia in his Discworld novel The Last Continent. At some point when the character of Death requests a book about the dangerous animals that exists there he is bombarded with a large pile of books consisting of the various volumes of "Dangerous Mammals, Reptiles, Amphibians, Birds, Fish, Jellyfish, Insects, Spiders, Crustaceans, Grasses, Trees, Mosses and Lichens of Terror Incognita", the total books going up to Volume 29C Part 3, while a request for information about the harmless creatures merely produces a note saying "Some of the sheep".

There are some creatures living in Australia that make no sense whatsoever. Let's take the duck-billed platypus. Here is an amphibious creature with the bill of a duck, the feet of an otter and the tail of a beaver. It classifies as a mammal, but it lays eggs. And it has venomous spurs on it hind legs. Then there is the kangaroo. A large animal that hops around and turns into the Jean-Claude van Damme of the animal world when you get too close to it. Australia is also home to massive crocodiles, the occasional firestorm and many, many spiders. And just to make things even more outrageous, not too long ago Australia had Spider Rain, where millions of spiders fell out of the sky, their webs blanketing the landscape. Does this sound implausible? Well, click here to be redirected to the article. And just in case you need another reason never to go there, here is what those millions of tiny spiders look like when they are all grown up.....

Wednesday 17 August 2016

The Truth in Advertising

The other day I was browsing around on a site that sells new and used cars. Eventually I found myself admiring a convertible version of the new Ford Mustang. But among the usual features like air conditioning, power steering and anti-lock braking, some rocket scientist added "sunroof". Now, I am pretty sure that when you put the roof down, yes, you will have sun. But I don't quite think he knew what a sunroof actually is. Then, in another classified section, I saw an advert for a matric farewell dress. The picture showed a smiling girl wearing said lovely dress. But the description said "never been worn". After shaking my head at the sheer absurdity of it I decided to see what other advertising fails are out there. I was not disappointed....











We truly do live in a very strange world!

Monday 1 August 2016

Fool's Gold

Let's face it, there is a dark evil presence in this world. One that lurks in the depths of the Internet, hunting like a shark. Every so often it will get the scent of prey and it will close in on its unsuspecting victim. Those who are ignorant or those who have been warned about this danger and are ignoring it continue to swim, blissfully unaware that a dark shape is heading electronically towards them. And like a flash it lunges at them and the result is not pretty.....
Suddenly we see the fin pop up in our inbox, promising to make us wealthy beyond the ken of mere mortals. We will stop ageing and develop massive male organs. The opposite sex will flock towards us, stripping out of their clothes as they go in order to save time. Our hair will become the stuff of legend; long and wavy. The heroes on the covers of romance novels will pale in comparison to our magnificence! We will be irresistible!

At least, that is what they claim. I honestly wonder about the sanity of people who look at these mails and think "Yes, this seems completely legitimate. I will sign up for this!" A simple test of logic will easily refute these claims. Have you ever played the UK Lottery? No? So why on earth would you suddenly have won 500 million British pounds, half the crown jewels and a date with Kate Beckinsale? Have you ever had any interaction with a Nigerian prince, or even heard of one? No? So why the hell would one be contacting you and offering you millions of dollars? It honestly makes no sense to me!

But among the multitude of swimmers there are the brave few. Those who see the fin, grab it with both hands and kick the shark dead in the face. One such fearless man is called James Veitch. He decided to do what we've all wanted to do all along......spam the spammer. And the way in which he does it is worthy of song! But I am not going to spoil it for you, have a look for yourself....

Tuesday 26 July 2016

The Horror!

I recently read an article about the creepiest places on earth. Oddly enough my urologist's examination room didn't make the list. But some of the places listed are downright bizarre, so I thought I would share a few.

The Door to Hell - Turkmenistan
The Door to Hell was originally a gas field set alight by Soviet scientists that has been burning continuously for over 40 years. Inexplicably, spiders seem to love this place and swarm there by the thousands, thus confirming (to me, anyway) that the name just might be on to something.

The Hill of Crosses - Lithuania
Originally Kryziu Kalnas was a ceremonial site where Lithuanians would mourn the dead lost at war. The Soviet Union (again?) twice bulldozed this area, only for locals to build it bigger. Today, over 100,000 crosses stand on the hill.


Muynak - Uzbekistan
Muynak was once a busy port city on the Aral Sea. That was, until the Soviets (seriously!) unintentionally drained the sea for irrigation. Today, rusted-out boats litter the now-desert floor.


Cincinnati’s Subway System - Ohio
Cincinnati attempted to build a subway system in the early 1900s, only to run out of funding. The empty tunnels still run along beneath the city, half finished and fully creepy. I suspect the Soviets might have had something to do with it, if the previous examples are to be believed.


Akodessewa Fetish Market - Togo
Since over half of the population of Togo continues to practice indigenous beliefs, fetish markets are in high demand. Just imagine: shrunken heads and skulls as far as the eye can see.


The Catacombs - Paris
The Parisian Catacombs function as a gigantic ossuary and cemetery for approximately 6 million bodies. Beyond just bones, there is also the non-tourist section of the Catacombs, where a mostly illegal and unpoliced second city extends for miles beneath Paris.

Varosha - Cyprus
Varosha is a completely uninhabited resort city on Cyprus’ coast. After the Turkish invasion (not the Soviets this time), Varosha was quickly evacuated. Today, Varosha stands deserted displaying exactly how life was in 1974.

Monday 18 July 2016

Pokémon Go

Pokémon's catchphrase has always been "gotta catch 'em all". And it seems with the release of Pokémon Go Nintendo is managing exactly that. Catching thousands of people who now walk around their neighborhoods catching imaginary animals so that they can use them to do battle later on. For those who have not heard of this craze (because you have been living under a rock or on an island in the pacific somewhere), Pokémon Go is an augmented reality game that you load onto your mobile phone. It then uses your phone's camera to display an image on your screen and adds in creatures for you to catch.
So now you have people walking randomly down roads intently watching their phones (come to think of it, most people do it even without Pokémon Go installed) hoping to find a creature that they can chuck a Pokéball at and capture it. And there are already reports of people walking in front of cars or trains or falling off of things because they are more intent on their augmented reality world than their real one. Others are reporting that there is an increase in the number of crimes reported because more people are wandering outside intently observing the world through their phone's camera.

Even doctors have clambered onto the bandwagon and stated that this game is good for you, because it gives you exercise and fresh air. Well, unless you walk into a pole or in front of a car. This craze has taken off so much that there are even videos with helpful hints and hidden secrets that you can watch in order to get the most out of the game. I definitely think Nintendo has taken the Pokémon catchphrase to heart and have caught them all......


Tuesday 12 July 2016

Are You Not Entertained?!

With the elections coming up in a month or so, the political climate in South Africa is once more akin to a teething baby playing with a hand grenade. And once again political parties are promising us the moon and the stars, with Mars thrown in as a bonus. In South Africa we have 13 officially recognised political parties all vying for our vote, and a staggering 73 political parties that are not recognised officially by parliament. And who do you vote for? The one which promises you free KFC and a Porsche? Or the one that promises to kick all the current homeowners out of their homes and give them to the even richer and more corrupt? Thankfully I have come up with a simple solution. One that will make voting a simple procedure. I give you......

THE POLITICAL PARTY HUNGER GAMES

The premise is simple. You take all the leaders of the political parties who are all clamouring for your votes and put them in a large arena. Then you give them all swords and vote for the one that survives. Quick, simple and efficient. And you don't have to wonder who to vote for, there will only be one guy left! Now that Oscar Pistorius has been sentenced (again) and is off to jail (again), we need a new reality TV show. And just think how exciting this one will be!
I realise that I joke about the political situation in South Africa quite frequently, but that is because, to the rest of the world, it has become a joke. Even we who live in South Africa can't take it seriously. Just now the guy you voted for uses your tax money to build a massive house and install a fire pool. For those who don't know, a fire pool is like a swimming pool, except for the......no, wait, it is just a swimming pool. Trevor Noah, the South African comedian who now hosts The Daily Show in the USA, once stated that politicians are taking the local comedians' jobs away from them by being just as funny, if not funnier, than said local comedians. It is no wonder the world is laughing.....

Monday 4 July 2016

Having a Meltdown

I am a big fan of world history. Whether it be the two world wars, the moon landing, the time the rebels overthrew the Galactic Empire.....I enjoy reading about it all. One event in particular has always fascinated me, the nuclear explosion at Chernobyl. For those of you who are now looking at your screen scratching your head in confusion, let me elaborate. On the 26th of April 1986 a scheduled reactor shutdown at the Chernobyl nuclear facility in the USSR went disastrously wrong, costing 31 people their lives and causing the evacuation of an entire city. To this day the city remains under quarantine because of the high levels of radiation still present.
"Wow, that is terrible!" you exclaim. And yes, it was. But when you read up about the details, you realise that it was just one mistake after another that caused the disaster. Let's dig a little deeper.

WARNING: THIS POST IS ABOUT TO GET HIGHLY TECHNICAL AND EXTREMELY INFORMATIVE

In steady state operation, a significant fraction (just over 6%) of the power from a nuclear reactor is derived not from fission but from the decay heat of its accumulated fission products. This heat continues for some time after the chain reaction is stopped (following an emergency shutdown, for example) and active cooling may be required to prevent core damage. Old reactors like those at Chernobyl use water as a coolant. Reactor 4 at Chernobyl consisted of about 1,600 individual fuel channels; each requiring a coolant flow of 28 metric tons (28,000 liters) per hour. Since cooling pumps require electricity to cool a reactor after an emergency shutdown (SCRAM), in the event of a power grid failure, Chernobyl's reactors had three backup diesel generators; these could start up in 15 seconds, but took 60–75 seconds to attain full speed and reach the 5.5‑megawatt (MW) output required to run one main pump. To solve this one-minute gap, considered an unacceptable safety risk, it had been theorised that rotational energy from the steam turbine (as it spun down under residual steam pressure) could be used to generate the required electrical power. Analysis indicated that this residual momentum and steam pressure might be sufficient to run the coolant pumps for 45 seconds, thus bridging the gap between an external power failure and the full availability of the emergency generators. Now, because this was just a theory, it was only marginally tested, and those tests failed. So another test was scheduled.

This test focused on the switching sequences of the electrical supplies for the reactor. The test procedure was expected to begin with an automatic emergency shutdown. No detrimental effect on the safety of the reactor was expected, so the test program was not formally coordinated with either the chief designer of the reactor or the scientific manager. Instead, it was approved only by the director of the plant (and even this approval was not consistent with established procedures). Mistake number 1. Because, you know, Russia....where everything is alright with enough vodka.

The experimental procedure was intended to run as follows:
  • The reactor was to be running at a low power level, between 700 MW and 800 MW.
  • The steam-turbine generator was to be run up to full speed.
  • When these conditions were achieved, the steam supply for the turbine generator was to be closed off.
     Turbine generator performance was to be recorded to determine whether it could provide the bridging power for coolant pumps until the emergency diesel generators were sequenced to start and provide power to the cooling pumps automatically.
  • After the emergency generators reached normal operating speed and voltage, the turbine generator would be allowed to continue to freewheel down.
What could possibly go wrong? I mean, how hard could it be? Very, by the look of things. The conditions to run the test were established before the day shift of 25 April 1986. The day shift workers had been instructed in advance and were familiar with the established procedures. A special team of electrical engineers was present to test the new voltage regulating system. As planned, a gradual reduction in the output of the power unit was begun at 01:06 on 25 April, and the power level had reached 50% of its nominal 3200 MW thermal level by the beginning of the day shift.

At this point, another regional power station unexpectedly went offline, and the Kiev electrical grid controller requested that the further reduction of Chernobyl's output be postponed, as power was needed to satisfy the peak evening demand. The Chernobyl plant director agreed, and postponed the test. Despite this delay, preparations for the test not affecting the reactor's power were carried out, including the disabling of the emergency core cooling system or ECCS, a passive/active system of core cooling intended to provide water to the core in a loss-of-coolant accident. Given the other events that unfolded, the system would have been of limited use, but its disabling as a "routine" step of the test is an illustration of the inherent lack of attention to safety for this test. Mistake number 2.

At 23:04, the Kiev grid controller allowed the reactor shutdown to resume. This delay had some serious consequences: the day shift had long since buggered off home, the evening shift was also preparing to do the same, and the night shift would not take over until midnight, well into the test. According to plan, the test should have been finished during the day shift, and the night shift would only have had to maintain decay heat cooling systems in an otherwise shut-down plant. Because of this the night shift had very little time to prepare for the test.

Alexander Akimov was chief of the night shift, and Leonid Toptunov was the operator responsible for the reactor's operational regimen, including the movement of the control rods. Toptunov was a young engineer who had worked independently as a senior engineer for only about three months. Seems like exactly the right guy for the job!

The test plan called for a gradual decrease in power output from reactor 4 to a thermal level of 700–1000 MW. An output of 700 MW was reached at 00:05AM on 26 April. However, due to the reactor's production of a fission byproduct, xenon-135, which is a reaction-inhibiting neutron absorber, core power continued to decrease without further operator action—a process known as reactor poisoning. This continuing decrease in power occurred because in steady state operation, xenon-135 is "burned off" as fast as it is created from decaying iodine-135 by absorbing neutrons from the ongoing chain reaction to become highly stable xenon-136. However, when the reactor power was lowered, previously produced high quantities of iodine-135 decayed into the neutron-absorbing xenon-135 faster than the reduced neutron flux could burn it off. As the reactor power output dropped further, to approximately 500 MW, Toptunov mistakenly inserted the control rods too far—the exact circumstances leading to this are unknown because Akimov and Toptunov both died in the hospital on May 10 and 14, respectively. This combination of factors put the reactor into an unintended near-shutdown state, with a power output of 30 MW thermal or less. Mistake number 3.

The reactor was now producing 5 percent of the minimum initial power level established as safe for the test. Control-room personnel decided to restore power by disabling the automatic system governing the control rods and manually extracting the majority of the reactor control rods to their upper limits. Several minutes elapsed between their extraction and the point that the power output began to increase and subsequently stabilize at 160–200 MW, a much smaller value than the planned 700 MW. The rapid reduction in the power during the initial shutdown, and the subsequent operation at a level of less than 200 MW led to increased poisoning of the reactor core by the accumulation of xenon-135. This restricted any further rise of reactor power, and made it necessary to extract additional control rods from the reactor core in order to counteract the poisoning.

The operation of the reactor at the low power level and high poisoning level was accompanied by unstable core temperature and coolant flow, and possibly by instability of neutron flux, which triggered alarms. The control room received repeated emergency signals regarding the levels in the steam/water separator drums, and large excursions or variations in the flow rate of feed water, as well as from relief valves opened to relieve excess steam into a turbine condenser, and from the neutron power controller. In the period between 00:35AM and 00:45AM, emergency alarm signals concerning thermal-hydraulic parameters were ignored, apparently to preserve the reactor power level. Mistake number 4.

When the power level of 200 MW was eventually achieved, preparation for the experiment continued. (This was probably mistake number 5) As part of the test plan, extra water pumps were activated at 01:05AM on 26 April, increasing the water flow. The increased coolant flow rate through the reactor produced an increase in the inlet coolant temperature of the reactor core (the coolant no longer having sufficient time to release its heat in the turbine and cooling towers), which now more closely approached the boiling temperature of water, reducing the safety margin. Mistake number 6.

The flow exceeded the allowed limit at 01:19AM, triggering an alarm of low steam pressure in the steam separators. At the same time, the extra water flow lowered the overall core temperature and reduced the existing steam voids in the core and the steam separators. Since water weakly absorbs neutrons (and the higher density of liquid water makes it a better absorber than steam), turning on additional pumps decreased the reactor power further still. The crew responded by turning off two of the circulation pumps to reduce feedwater flow, in an effort to increase steam pressure, and also to remove more manual control rods to maintain power. Mistake number 7.

All these actions led to an extremely unstable reactor configuration. Nearly all of the control rods were removed manually, including all but 18 of the "fail-safe" manually operated rods of the minimal 28 which were intended to remain fully inserted to control the reactor even in the event of a loss of coolant, out of a total 211 control rods. While the emergency SCRAM system that would insert all control rods to shut down the reactor could still be activated manually, the automated system that could do the same had been disabled to maintain the power level, and many other automated and even passive safety features of the reactor had been bypassed. Further, the reactor coolant pumping had been reduced, which had limited margin so any power excursion would produce boiling, thereby reducing neutron absorption by the water. The reactor was in an unstable configuration that was clearly outside the safe operating envelope established by the designers. If anything pushed it too far, it would be unable to recover automatically.

Now, at this point any wise person would realise that, maybe, just maybe, a very dangerous situation had now been created, and said wise person would have initiated steps in order to secure the situation. What did the Russians do? They declared that all was well and then went ahead with their experiment. I could carry on with the extremely technical explanation of what went wrong, but half of you have either dosed off or browsed away by now, so let's just say there was a rather large and impressive explosion. The reactor was spewing radioactive material into the night sky and causing fires all around the plant. The Russians thought "Well, we'd better put out those fires" and proceeded to do just that, without any safety gear or radiation suits. The fire brigade was also not informed about the radiation pouring from the reactor when they arrived to help. So a large number of people received MASSIVE doses of radiation which killed some within hours and some within days of exposure. To this day the Government does not allow anyone to go within 30 square kilometers of the reactor for more than a few minutes. This is to ensure that you don't come out with three heads, the ability to glow in the dark and various other superpowers.

So what can we learn from this? That lack of attention to detail and ignoring some very obvious warning signs can lead to terrible disaster. One which will have serious repercussions for years to come. Now if only someone would mention this to the South African Government.....


Wednesday 29 June 2016

Cooking Up a Storm

Who doesn't love a good meal? One prepared skillfully and thoughtfully. One that satisfies you in ways that nothing else can. I am a big fan of cooking, even though I sometimes come up with dishes that look and taste more like biological weapons than food. Not too long ago I tried my hand at making pea soup. Simple, yet delicious. Well, that was the idea anyway. The end result was.....um.....well......boring. It needed a massive amount of salt, pepper and Worcestershire Sauce to even start resembling something that you'd actually want to eat. And even then you ended up like this...
A while back I sat thinking back to the golden days of my youth (stop laughing, it wasn't THAT long ago). My grandfather used to make a pretty decent shrimp cocktail as an appetizer for Sunday lunches. I thought to myself "How hard can it be?" and bought the necessary ingredients. Well, in my mind anyway. After much measuring, adding, chanting and dancing my meal was complete. And it was terrible! Instead of ending up with a much loved childhood meal, I ended up with the edible equivalent of nerve gas.

Thankfully not all of my attempts at rustling up a good meal have ended so disastrously. Some of them have actually yielded some pretty awesome dishes. And needless to say, those are the ones I share with friends and family. That way they know that I can actually do something worthwhile in the kitchen, and that I am not secretly living on a diet of KFC and burgers. Of course, there is a slight downside to having good food. And it is one that we have to consider whenever we bite into something gloriously rich and creamy......


Tuesday 21 June 2016

Giddy-Up!

There is a saying that goes: "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." Many people will read this and nod sagely. I have a slight problem with this saying as I fail to see how you wouldn't notice that the horse you are sitting on has dropped dead. There are a few clues to give this fact away. First off, the horse is probably not moving. That is okay, it might have stopped for a breather. Secondly, there is a good chance that the horse is on its side. Okay, fair enough, it might need a substantial breather. But thirdly, the horse is most likely partially on top of you at this point, so you have to be monumentally stupid not to notice that said horse is actually dead.
Now I understand that you will say "Yes, but this is an analogy that states that, if you are participating in a lost cause, your best chance of success is to stop doing it." Alright, fair enough. And it makes a lot of sense. But apparently not to the South African Government. They have failed to notice that the recently deceased horse is lying on top of them, and have resorted to various tactics:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

While I understand that no Government is perfect, I fail to see how the people in power in South Africa can look at a situation that is clearly not working, nod to themselves, proclaim that everything is going according to plan, and then buggering off to lunch. Einstein once declared that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. By that definition our Government needs a new clothing accessory. One that you wear as a jacket, that fastens in the back, and makes you hug yourself......

Monday 13 June 2016

Adrenaline

This weekend my dad decided to treat myself and my two future brothers-in-law to the Airlink Adrenaline Show held at Wonderboom airport. It was a unique show featuring a blend of airplane stunts and car stunts, and it was all terribly exciting. They had everything from choppers flying sideways and even backwards to a jet car tearing down the runway at tremendous speed.
If walking around looking at various muscle cars, supercars and hotrods are more your thing, they had plenty of those as well. Every few minutes you would hear someone start up something with a massive engine and rev it much to the delight of spectators and passers-by. At some point we too decided to join the masses wandering aimlessly around and found ourselves at the supercar display. Unlike the muscle cars which were standing around with people thronged tightly around them, the supercars were cordoned off, to keep you from drooling on the paintwork. Now, my one future brother-in-law is slightly obsessed with Lamborghini. And when I say slightly obsessed, I mean that he would happily sell off a kidney, part of his digestive tract and even a lung in order to own one. I'm pretty sure that, when pressed, he would also throw in a testicle just to sweeten the deal. So the sight of a Lamborghini Huracan displayed in all its magnificent glory had him frothing at the mouth.

He declared that he was going to go find the organisers in order to get permission to have his photo taken next to it. After a brief absence he came back and declared that he had been given the go-ahead and promptly ducked under the rope before striking a heroic pose while leaning on the 6 million rand supercar for a photo. After snapping a picture of him reclining against a car that costs more than feeding most third world countries, he then had to scamper off when a gigantic bouncer appeared and approached my future brother-in-law with a look of deadly intent in his eyes. After a quick exit, I was left wondering if the organisers had in fact given permission or whether they had laughed off the request, at which point he decided to take matters, and his life, into his own hands. For the rest of the day I half expected the bouncer to jump out of the shadows, grab my future brother-in-law in a headlock and drag him away, leaving me to explain to my sister why she won't be getting married in a few months.

But all things considered, it was quite an eventful day. Pilots and drivers showed off their tremendous skill, man and machine working in perfect harmony. It was breathtaking! And the day lived up to its name, even though the biggest jolt of adrenaline was caused by being chased by a big man with evil intentions......

Thursday 2 June 2016

A Fishy Tale

A friend alerted me to a news story about a National Geographic cameraman that was unexpectedly swallowed by an Ocean Sunfish. For those who don't know, an Ocean Sunfish is something that resembles a whale that was hit by a cruise ship. It is massive but rather flat. Just to give you an idea....
Now the story goes that the unfortunate diver was filming pygmy sperm whales (because that is what one does in your spare time) when the massive sunfish swam up and swallowed him in one gulp before continuing on to wherever sunfish go for after-dinner drinks. The other divers could only watch as the massive fish swam peacefully away.

My friend and I had a long discussion about the digestive capabilities of the sunfish. Seeing as it swallowed the diver whole, what would happen once the diver's oxygen tank encountered the digestive tract? Would the fish explode in a massive cloud of blood, scales and half digested diver, or would it get a rather confused look on its face before rocketing away like a deflating balloon?

And what was going through the cameraman's head as he was swallowed up? Was he wondering if he packed a diving knife? Maybe he was pondering the rarity of being swallowed up by something that looks like a squashed whale? Or maybe he was thinking that he should have rather stayed in bed that morning. Thankfully the man in question can still be asked about the thoughts that flashed through his mind, as he is still very much alive and uneaten. It turns out the story was a hoax, but one that went viral. Ah, the joys of the internet!

For those who want to read the factual article about the diver's encounter with the sunfish, you can find it here.

Tuesday 24 May 2016

The Inevitable Event

I think we've all been there; you get this strange tickle in your throat and you think nothing of it. Then it becomes a scratchy feeling and eventually you have to face the facts.....you have a cold. You try to carry on with life as normal, but you have about as much energy as a hibernating sloth, your head is filled with more goo than a Ghostbusters movie and your voice sounds like you are about to make someone an offer they can't refuse.....well, when you aren't coughing or sneezing on them.
Today I was sitting in a meeting with a supplier when my cold medicine rudely decided to wear off. My first indication was a slight tickling sensation in my nose, announcing the imminent arrival of something which would require a tissue or handkerchief to dispose of. None of which I had handy at the time. Now I am pretty sure we have all had to deal with this situation. And you probably tried dealing with it in the same way I did. You give a very subtle tentative sniff, just to see if you can persuade the approaching stream to head back in the other direction. When this fails you try with a bit more force, only to realise that this doesn't have the desired effect either. With the stream now about to make an appearance at the entrance to your left nostril, you give a mighty sniff which sounds like a Hoover sucking on a wet gym sock before giving up and excusing yourself from the meeting to go and blow your now dripping nose.

I am convinced that pharmaceutical companies have long ago discovered the cure for the common cold. It's been around for so long that, if they haven't found a cure, then clearly they are all napping instead of working. They probably make more money out of the various medicines that deal with the symptoms than they would actually curing the common cold. Either that or they find random attempts at vacuum cleaner impersonations during meetings extremely amusing......

Tuesday 17 May 2016

Kids!

I recently read an article titled "Signs that You're the Parent of a Toddler". While reading this article I found that they mentioned some very profound truths, some of which I will share with you below:
  1. You keep watching Paw Patrol long after your toddler has grown bored with the episode and has wandered off because you want to see if they rescue the baby turtles.
  2. You cannot figure out how a child that small can have more energy than a nuclear reactor.
  3. Silence is no longer golden, it is suspicious!
  4. You come up with a cute action, game or phrase to entertain your toddler and then you have to do it at least 3000 times more because stopping causes Armageddon.
  5. You almost throw a party when your kid agrees to something, because "No!" is the default answer to all questions.
  6. You can sing along to the theme tunes of children shows like Sophia the First and Bubble Guppies.
  7. You find yourself with said theme tunes stuck in your head daily.
  8. You try not to use any Tupperware containers because they have been converted into toys.
  9. All of your belongings actually belong to your toddler. You are just the steward.
  10. You automatically tell your toddler not to pull the cat's tail, even if said cat is a stuffed toy.
  11. Your car contains more toys than Toys R Us.
  12. Whenever your toddler finally takes a nap, you relax until the dog barks, which then causes you to storm out of the house and silence the dog in hushed yet frantic tones in case you yourself wake up your toddler again.
  13. A kid crying immediately attracts your attention, even if the kid is not your own.
  14. You have come to the realization that kids can fit anything in anywhere.
  15. And you wouldn't trade any of the above for the world!