Wednesday, 2 November 2016

Scaredy-Cat

While perusing my usual morning news sites, I happened upon an article about the top 10 creepiest jobs in South Africa. I was quite surprised while reading through the list, as I thought it would include clowns and possibly politicians, but alas, I was wrong. So herewith the Top 10 Creepiest Jobs in South Africa.....
1. Gravedigger
Do you enjoy being outdoors? Are you a fan of manual labour that doesn't require any qualifications? Do you enjoy meeting new people? Then grave digging is just the job for you! Apart from the fact that your clientele is dead......well, hopefully.

2. Forensic Entomologist
For those who are now scratching their heads, let me save you the trip to Google. A regular entomologist is a person that studies insects. Now while that is already sort of creepy in and of itself, a forensic entomologist studies insects in dead bodies. Think of Doctor Hodgens in the TV series Bones. So not only should you have an unhealthy interest in insects, you should also be fine with digging them out of corpses. Not exactly the kind of person I'd like to hang out with.....

3. Road Kill Removal Specialist
Yep, there are people who remove dead animals from the road. And because they can't do it during the day when the roads are busy, they do it at night. So you can sleep soundly tonight knowing that our roads will be safer because someone out there is dragging a kudu carcass around and mopping up the road surface.

4. Arachnologist
This is a person who studies spiders for a living. So someone wakes up in the morning, showers, gets dressed, and then goes out to handle spiders, stick them under a microscope, milk them for their venom, check out their silk and generally get all enthusiastic about something that has way more legs than it is supposed to. Why? Just why?

5. Forensic Scientist
This profession has been made to seem a lot more glamorous than it truly is by series like CSI and NCIS. More often than not you are asked to collect bits of human from accidents and the occasional crime scene. Then you spend the rest of the day putting them all back together again, studying them and generally trying to figure out what killed the unfortunate person in question.

6. Crime Scene Cleaner
After the guys who arrive first and get all the attention leave, it is up to the intrepid crime scene cleaner to tidy everything up. This can involve having to clean up bloodstains and pieces of brain or other fun and disgusting body parts. They even get called in to clean up meth labs and other drug creation sites. So, bored of your office cleaning job, are you? Maybe you can go and scrape some brain off a wall.

7. Blood Technician
Someone who works with blood for a living. A haemodialysis technician analyses blood, looking for diseases or mutations and variations. The upside to this job is that you can tell people you are a vampire when asked what you do for a living.

8. Taxidermist
Someone who preserves animals, whether for hunters, museums or just the little old lady that is not quite ready to part with her beloved family pet. Not exactly my cup of tea.....

9. Police Diver
A police diver has to swim around in murky conditions looking for bodies or evidence which has been discarded in a body of water. I suspect the only thing creepier than finding a body is finding a body when some fish have been feasting on it.

10. Clinical Trial Subject
When a new drug is created, it requires test subjects to see whether it actually works. Now seeing as they can't just randomly pull people off the streets and inject them full of weird and wonderful things to see whether they grow a third nipple or glow in the dark, they have to ask for volunteers. While this is a relatively well-paying job, you have to get used to developing some strange side-effects. After all, they don't quite know what this drug is going to do to you until they test it. So when the nice paycheck arrives, you can use it for surgery to amputate your newly grown tail.....

Monday, 17 October 2016

Ons vir jou, Suid-Afrika!

Gewoonlik sou ek my blog artikel in Engels doen sodat meer mense dit kan lees en verstaan. Maar die afgelope ruk het sekere gebeurtenisse in Suid-Afrika my laat besluit om hierdie artikel in Afrikaans te doen. Ons trotse Afrikaner kultuur is die afgelope ruk sonder ophou aangeval. Of dit nou in die parlement of by skole en universiteite is, ons kultuur en ons taal word konstant geteiken. "Dit is die taal van rassisme!" word uitgeroep tydens optogte. "Afrikaans moet val!" Wat bloot 'n opstand teen universiteitkostes was het 'n direkte aanval teen Afrikaans en die Afrikaner kultuur geword.

Ek het absoluut niks teen ander kulture en geloofsinstansies nie. Ek respekteer die waardes van ander kulture. Maar hoekom moet ek my eie kultuur en geloof opsy skuif omdat dit nie by die wêreldse norm pas nie? Hoekom moet my pragtige taal ly omdat die meerderheid dit nie praat nie? So terwyl die massas in ons land dit probeer onderdruk, laat ek julle my opinie gee.

My taal is my trots! Afrikaans is in my bloed. Dis in my murg en been. Dit is 'n taal waamee jy pragtige en skone beelde kan skep. My taal is die warm beker boeretroos vir my siel. Dit gee my 'n identiteit, een waarvoor daar jare lank baklei is. My taal is my eie. Dit is wie ek is. Niemand sal dit van my af kan wegneem nie!

My kultuur is in my ingevleg. Dit het 'n ryk geskiedenis. Van die werke van CJ Langenhoven wat ons pragtige Afrikaner volkslied geskep het tot die pragtige poësie van C. Louis Leipoldt, dit is deel van my. My kultuur is die koeksister wat soetheid aan my siel gee. Dit is 'n koele lafenis na 'n warm dag. Dit is kleurryk en pragtig!

Laat ons as Afrikaners nie vergeet wie ons is nie. Laat ons nie verder toelaat dat ons beeldskone taal en ryk kultuur onderdruk word nie. Laat ons vreesloos opstaan vir dit waarin ons glo. Laat ons saam as 'n Afrikanervolk opstaan, ons hand op ons hart sit en hard en duidelik uitroep: "ONS VIR JOU, SUID-AFRIKA!"


Monday, 10 October 2016

Cry of the Gentleman

Something that has become a regular occurrence on the internet and social media is women decrying the death of the gentleman. "Gentleman don't exist anymore!" "Bring back the gentleman!" "Oh, how I wish there were still gentlemen out there!" You read these or similar statements almost every day. But ladies, fear not! I have some good news for you! Gentlemen still exist! You can still encounter them in your daily lives. There is just one problem.......you ignore them!
"We certainly do not!" you exclaim. "We would know a gentleman if we saw one!" Nope, you really wouldn't. And why is that? Because society has lead us to believe that every man is trying to get into your pants. Which doesn't make sense, because we wouldn't fit into your pants. All jokes aside though, I was raised to respect the female gender. To open doors for them, and to let them walk in first. To be polite and to offer to help with carrying heavy items with no expectation of anything but a "thank you" in return. But for some reason such behaviour seems to confuse those of the female persuasion these days. When I am at a store and see a woman struggling with a heavy item and I offer to assist, I always get a cold "no, thanks" in return. When I hold open a door for a woman, I get a confused look as if I have just sprouted cat ears and started floating.

Ladies, the gentlemen are out there! They still exist! And chances are that you are encountering them every day! But you miss them. You will walk past the guy holding open the door for you while furiously tweeting about the lack of gentlemen in your life. You will keep struggling with the heavy grocery item while coldly refusing help from a guy because just now he wants to get into your pants. Again, they won't fit us! You need not worry! So here is a plea from gentlemen everywhere. A cry for attention, if you will. Ladies, we are here! And we still have proper moral values! And, if you let us, you will realise that we are not going anywhere!

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Pass the Cheese

I am a really big fan of cheese! And who can blame me? Well, okay, maybe those who are lactose intolerant might have a thing or two to say, but as I do not fall into that category I can freely enjoy the rich flavours and awesome textures of cheese. And the variety of cheeses available are staggering!
But while researching some innovative recipes using this humble dairy product, I happened upon an article describing some of the strangest cheeses in the world. I thought I would share my findings with you.

From Italy: Casu Marzu
Like caviar, Casu Marzu is enjoyed only by a select population. That's because it's served with live maggots. At this point you are either fascinated, horrified or have browsed away in order to think happy thoughts, but bear with me. It has a fan base in Sardinia, where sheep farmers for centuries have made pecorino cheese and left it to rot and attract flies. When the flies' eggs hatch the transformation takes place and the cheese becomes Casu Marzu. It's then consumed with relish or perhaps trepidation and it has an aftertaste that lasts for hours. Gordon Ramsay once called it "the most dangerous cheese in the world." Can't really blame him for that!

From Germany: Milbenkase
Just when you thought the Italians took the proverbial cheese for their maggots, along come the Germans with their mite excrement variety. Yeah, unfortunately you did read that correctly! Produced in Wurchwitz from quark (a type of German dairy product, it is made by warming soured milk until the desired degree of curdling is met, and then straining it), it sits among dust mites for several months, with some rye for them to nibble on. The mites excrete an enzyme to ripen the cheese that turns it progressively yellow, red-brown and then black, at which point it's eaten, mites and all. Bitter and zesty, the cheese is said to have curative effects for allergies to house dust. I think rather just use a broom or a vacuum cleaner, but hey, whatever makes you happy! If you'd like some cheese with your mites, there's a mite-shaped memorial in Würchwitz -- in the hollow base there's some Milbenkase left for passersby to try.

From Tibet: Yak Cheese
Imagine sucking and gnawing a piece of cheese-flavored resin for several hours and you'll get an idea of how hard this cheese is -- it could in fact break your teeth, although there are softer varieties. The cheese is made by wrapping the curd from yak's milk in cloth and pressing it to get rid of the water. When it dries out it's cut into pieces and allowed to dry, often over a wood fire. It is said to be earthy and tasty. The yak is the male of the species and doesn't produce milk, so it really should be called nak cheese after the female. Otherwise we sincerely do not want to try this cheese!

From Central Asia: Airag Cheese
Airag cheese, or horse milk cheese, is common in Central Asia where the horse is still integral to life in many places. To make airag, a mare is milked during foaling season and the milk left to ferment with an agent such as last season's airag. It's either suspended next to the ger/yurt entrance so anyone passing can stir it or it's tied to a saddle to achieve the same effect over a day's riding. The airag is then added to boiled milk to curdle it, filtered through a fabric bag and pressed. It can be eaten fresh or dried. The dry variety is a popular snack out on the steppe, softened by soaking it in tea or soup.

From Ethiopia, Mauritania, Sudan and Bedouin communities: Camel Milk Cheese
Nomadic herders across Africa have been milking their camels for centuries. Not only are the resilient beasts a more viable alternative to cows in dry climates, but their rich, earthy milk has more fat and protein. However, making cheese from camel milk is a more difficult process, so herders use camel rennet from pieces of the animal's stomach to coagulate the milk and create curds. This may account for its sour taste and pungent aroma. To enjoy camelbert (see what I did there?) options you'll have to visit supermarket shelves in Nouakchott, the UAE and Saudi Arabia. It's also found in Kazakhstan, which I hear is lovely this time of year!

From New York: Breast Milk Cheese
When the freezer of New York chef Daniel Angerer started to overflow with his wife's breast milk, he decided to experiment with it rather than throw it out. He blogged about the process online with photos of mother's milk with beets and romaine, dehydrated porcini mushroom and onion chutney. For those feeling queasy, rest assured the cheese was never produced in his restaurant or sold. As for commercial opportunities, lactating mothers can't produce anything like the quantity of breast milk needed to make large quantities of cheese.

From the United States of America: American Cheese
In a country that celebrates National Grilled Cheese Day, it should come as no surprise that American cheese remains a staple on grocery shelves -- the texture and meltability are perfect for toasted sandwiches and burgers. Which is surprising, as technically, of course, American cheese isn't even real cheese; ingredients include milk, whey, milkfat, salt, gelatine, milk powder, dyed orange, artificial flavors and oil. The odd concoction is blended with a generic processed cheese to form the smooth, creamy and super-melty slices that are either loved, tolerated or abhorred around the United States.

From Canada: Lichen Cheese
When a small Quebec company found out the Inuit once ate a fermented lichen from the stomach of caribou that tasted like blue cheese, they decided to try it for themselves. Using Quebec goat's milk and lichen, the company creates a mold from roasting and boiling the lichen, then lets it rest and ferment. The cheese is, thankfully, still in its experimental stage.

From New Zealand: Deer Milk Cheese
Reindeer milk cheese has been produced among the Sami communities in Finland for years. Now, cheese from the humble red deer may soon become a hallmark of New Zealand. The combined work of scientists and a cheese maker have resulted in the first cheese from the Kiwi bambi. At $100 per liter, the rich deer milk isn't cheap, but with half of the world's farmed red deer production in New Zealand, farmers are getting excited about the possibility of having a product to sell beyond venison. Because clearly there is not much else to do in New Zealand!

From South America: Llama and Alpaca Cheese
Life on the harsh Altiplano would be a struggle without the alpacas and llamas that give their dung for fuel, hide for leather, wool for clothing and milk for cheese. Comical though they may appear (they even give the occasional spit and unusual noise) they're a little tricky to milk. Once extracted, though, their whole milk can be made into a long-lasting cheese that's salty, rich and heavy in texture. This finds its way into markets and local food like empanadas, though most travelers come across it only when visiting locals.
From Serbia: Donkey Milk Cheese
At the Zasavica Special Nature Reserve, 50 kilometers out of Belgrade, you can get your hands on pule, or donkey cheese. While healthy (it has 60 times more vitamin C than cow's milk) donkeys only produce 200 ml of milk a day. About 25 liters are required to make just one kilogram of cheese. That means the white, crumbly pule is both limited and costly. Currently it goes for about €1,000 a kilo, or $576 a pound. The reserve also makes soap, a liquor and facial cream from the milk. Cleopatra claimed her beauty was due to bathing in donkey milk.
Personally, I think I'll just stick to what I find in my local supermarket!

Monday, 26 September 2016

Proudly South African

Last week I did a blog post on the most ludicrous questions that get asked on Yahoo Answers. This week I stumbled upon an article titled The Top 20 Silly Questions That Foreigners Ask South Africans. This seemed too good an opportunity to pass up, so without further ado, here are said top 20 silly questions that foreigners ask South Africans visiting or living in other countries:

20. Do you have the internet/ phones/ roads/ cars/ post/ shops/ schools/ money in South Africa?
No, we all live in the bush. To access the internet we have to go to special locations where we queue in order to use a computer.

19. Do you own a gun?
Yes, but it is mainly for shooting mosquitoes.

18. Do you have lions in your garden?
Constantly! Just last week one ate my poodle!

17. Do you ride around on elephants?
No, we prefer riding hyenas. They are much easier to park.

16. Why would you want to come here (UK, USA, etc)?
To see what actual houses look like.

15. Can you see Kilimanjaro from your house?
Only when it isn't raining.

14. Oh you’re from Johannesburg – do you know my friend Peter in Nairobi?
Peter! Of course! Do you know my friend Sixpence Dlamini?

13. How many wives does your husband have?
 72, but I'm his favourite.

12. How does it feel to wear clothes?
Fantastic! Loincloths really chafe!

11. Have you ever had Aids?
Yeah, but I took some tablets and now I am fine again.

10. Which tribe do you belong to?
I belong to the Blue Bullius Proteana Tribe. Once a year we paint ourselves blue and watch other people fight over a ball.

9. So you’re down next to Australia, right?
Yes, in fact, on a clear day I can see Sydney.

8. Do you speak African?
Yes, all 27 dialects.

7. Did you have a slave in South Africa?
Yes, but they keep being eaten by leopards.

6. But you don’t have a South African accent? (not understanding that there are a lot of different accents)
It took lots of training at a special school, but thankfully I don't have an accent any more.

5. I know that you lived in South Africa but where were you born? You must have been born somewhere else.
Yes, I was born in Guatemala.  As a coming of age ritual we have to swim to South Africa. The ones that aren't eaten by sharks get to live there.

4. How did you learn to speak English?
From the village elder.

3. Which country in South Africa are you from?
I live in the country of Grootfontein. It is like London, but with more elephants.

2. Are you black?
No, I started off as white but living outdoors wearing nothing but loincloths turned me black.

1. Why are you white?
Why are you asking me this?

Viva South Africa!

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Dawn of the (Brain)Dead

Every now and then when I am bored, or in serious need of a good belly laugh, I go onto Yahoo Answers. For those who don't know, Yahoo Answers is a forum where people can ask about literally anything, and then get answers from other people. And it definitely has its benefits. But you also get a glimpse into a dark world, a world filled with people who think with other parts of their body, because their brain has gone missing. I thought I'd share a few of dumbest questions ever asked, and their frankly brilliant answers.....

Question: “Why are babies so ugly when they are born?”
Answer: “How about you stay under water for 9 to 10 months then squeeze through a straw and see how you look???”

Question: “How do I get rid of oily face?”
Answer: “Getting rid of your face is not recommended. No matter how oily it is. The face serves many functions and you should not try to remove it.”

Question: “How big is Specific Ocean?”
Answer: “Can you be more Pacific?”

Question: “…Is it true that if you dye you hair a week before your period the dye doesn’t color as well?”
Answer: “It seems like most of your brain cells are already dead. So I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.”

Question: “I don’t fit in the family. I think its time to come clean with them, should I tell my parents I’m adopted?”
Answer: “No; let them keep guessing.”

Question: “If a two-year old hands you a toy phone, should you answer it? What will you do if this happened to you?”
Answer: ” Oh definitely, what happens if it's someone massively important on the other end?!”

Question: “I’ve been calling & calling & calling YouTube all day to come film me but no answer. How do other people get their videos up there? I have some really funny stuff but they won’t come.”
Answer: “You have to call 1-800-You-Tube. The issue is that they are so busy that they only answer the phones at 2 am on Sundays and Wednesdays only…this way they know who the serious people are and only send film crew out to those people. If you call at any other time you won’t even be connected through to them. Source(s): I work for YouTube.”

Question: “if I eat myself would I become twice as big or disappear completely?”
Answer: “That just blew my mind.”

Question: “Just ate 52 pizza rolls, will I die in my sleep? There are 152 calories in 2 rolls, will I die? Oh and I had 2 litters of coke with it.”
Answer: “You have a better chance of farting a hole through your sheets.”

Question: “What kind of bees produce milk?”
Answer: “What kind of cow produces honey?”

Question: “What percentage of water is celery”
Answer: “Water is exactly 0% celery.”

Question: “if evolution is true then why do pigs not have wings?"
Answer: “Because evolution doesn’t give you wings, Red Bull does.”

Question: “What’s better to learn, American, British or English?”
Answer: “well considering American is English, you should probably jump off a bridge.”

Question: “How was the routine of milking cows for milk discovered?”
Answer: “Guessing there was a cow molester?”

Question: “What does it mean when someone says “meow” to you?”
Answer: “They’re cats.”

Question: “I’m 11 and I have my period and my brother is 17 and he hasn’t got his yet? Does it take longer because he’s a boy?”
Answer: “Yeah, it just takes longer for a boy.”

Question: “Why doesn’t the earth fall down.”
Answer: “Because it can fly.”

Question: “How do you know if u’re possed by the devil, are their any signs?”
Answer: “Yes. Inability to spell.”

Question: “I would like to be a Justin Bieber fan. Currently I am a Jack Norris fan and I would like to switch to Justin Bieber. How can I successfully achieve this goal?”
Answer: “Lose all brain function. Maybe sustain a pretty substantial blow to your head.”

Question: “What does India produce more of?”
Answer: “They produce more Indians than any country on earth.”


I despair for mankind.....

Monday, 12 September 2016

Greatness Awaits! Hah!

I've been a fan of the Sony Playstation since the very first iteration. Ah yes, the glorious days where the pixels were the size of VW Beetles and the loading times moved at a glacial pace, but you didn't care. And each time a new Playstation is announced I get excited. Now I will have more performance and the graphics won't look like the fever dreams of a concussed glue addict. Needless to say when the Playstation 4 came out I was ecstatic! I carefully saved up until I had enough to take the plunge and get mine. And it was......well, confusing.....
Let me explain. With the Playstation 3 you could plug it in, boot it up, configure a few settings and be playing your first game within 5 minutes. Not so with the 4. I booted it up and was greeted by the kind of background music usually reserved for most Swedish Spas. Thankfully you have the option of turning the music off, which then lessens your sudden craving for a massage. Then I had to go through a myriad of settings that had to be configured, with the Playstation also constantly informing me that it wants an internet connection. Included with my PS4 was a camera which I set up when I initially unpacked the system. Now, keep in mind that I live in South Africa, a place that doesn't have the Spring season. We go directly from Winter into Summer. No in-between. It's like walking between two rooms and the one has icicles hanging from the ceiling and the next is somewhere in Mordor. So needless to say I was in a state of undress while setting up my Playstation. It suddenly decided to activate its facial recognition software in order to finalise my user profile and I was presented with a shot of my genitals in full 1080p HD. That was rather unsettling. It then further informed me that I had to brighten my room as it couldn't find my face. (I have to clarify that I was standing in front of it at this point because the controller was plugged in and charging, so I was not seated on my couch.) I proceeded with a type of limbo dance where I was bent at the knees and leaning backwards because the PS4 kept saying I was too close to the camera. Eventually it found the right distance and then told me to perform certain movements with my head so that it could capture my face at various angles. After about 5 minutes of repeated attempts, I half expect the PS4 to just give up and use the genital shot instead. But finally, through perseverance and much straining (on my part), it was satisfied.

Then I decided to play a DVD on it, and again it demanded an internet connection, which took about 10 minutes to set up because it kept telling me to re-enter the WiFi password. So, in summary, I managed to get my new Playstation 4 set up and working, but it took longer than most advanced math tests. I don't want to do higher level calculus, I just want to play a game! At least if I ever decide to shave off my beard and the PS4 doesn't recognise me I know I can just drop my pants and it will know exactly who I am......