The Big Scare

So my lovely lady and I are fans of scary films. I'm not referring to anything with Justin Bieber or Paris Hilton in them, but genuine thrillers or horror films. But, after a while, we've started noticing some really common events that happen in pretty much any scary film, so much so that I have started referring to them as Horror Cliches. I've even started looking out for them in every film we watch and, most of the time, I find them. So without further ado, herewith my list of the most common Horror Film Cliches.

The Road
Inevitably someone will be running down a road and will be chased by the baddie in a car. It won't matter that the foliage next to the road is thick enough to hide Godzilla, the victim will never think to dive into the safety of the bushes where the car can't go.

Women Can't Run
The baddie appears, the woman bolts for the exit. The floor will be as free from obstacles as an ice rink but the woman will trip over absolutely nothing, enabling the baddie to catch up and shoot/stab/eat her.

The Useless Cars
At some point someone will jump into a car and try and start it. And, without fail, the car won't start. This is the same car that will most likely be shown running perfectly and reliably throughout the first part of the film.

Splitting Up
In most, if not all horror films, a group of people will decide that their chances of survival will increase if they split up into smaller groups or head off into the darkness on their own. Let's face it, if you are in a group of people of 4 to 6, you could easily overpower said baddie. But no, let's all split up and get creatively murdered while stumbling around in the dark.

Adults Are Useless
If it is a horror film where the main protagonists are kids/teens, the adults will usually not be of any help whatsoever and get murdered by the baddie the moment the kids/teens approach them for help.

The Speed-walking Killer
It seems that, no matter how fast the victim is running, the killer who is purposefully striding after them at a brisk pace will always be gaining. I'd love to be on that fitness program!

Phones Don't Work
No phone will ever work in a horror film once the baddie makes an appearance. Landlines will be cut or out of service and cell phones won't have signal or would have been destroyed in some accident.

Dark House/Building/Basement
There will always be a creepy house or dilapidated building or gloomy basement, usually so the baddie can jump out and murder a member of the group. What baffles me is how the baddie hasn't fallen asleep out of sheer boredom while sitting in the dark waiting for his first victims to arrive. And how he is not instantly blinded by the light that someone will eventually shine on him so he can murder them.

The Final Girl
There will always be the girl/teen/woman who has faced the baddie at least 15 times, each time getting slashed or stabbed or wounded in some way but persevering and eventually ending the baddie in some brutal way before hobbling off into the sunrise.

The Expert Shooter
The hero will always be an expert marksman, even when they've never wielded a gun up to that point. They will find one, fumble with it for a bit before emptying the entire magazine into the killer with surprising accuracy.

Jump Scares
There will come a time where the hero is catching his/her breath, usually in a darkened space, and then suddenly the killer will leap out and cause them to run away. How the killer got into their hiding space before them and why he doesn't just stab them then and there will always puzzle me.

Creepy Kids/Teens
For some reason there will always be creepy kids or teens hanging around. The little girl with the dark hair blocking out her face is a popular choice.

Killer Bathrooms
Most of the murders in movies will happen in the bathrooms. Either because the victims have decided to take shelter there (in case of pooping themselves out of sheer terror) or they are in the bath or shower, usually soaping themselves up like someone in a body wash commercial before getting murdered by the baddie.

Tardy Cops
The police will always arrive too late to actually do anything. And then in most cases get murdered by the baddie themselves.

Affection Kills
ANY form of romantic affection or intimacy basically guarantees that you will get murdered in the same scene, while the steamy events are happening, or one directly thereafter.

"Based on Actual Events"
Thriller/horror film producers like adding that line in, just to make you think that this has happened somewhere in the world and could thus happen to you.

The Rising Tension
Most of the time, while the hero is attempting to sneak away from the baddie, the music will rise dramatically thus making you think that the baddie is going to jump out and murder them right there and then but..........nothing happens.

Gloomy Investigations
The victims will always go and investigate dark areas. If you knew a killer was in the vicinity you would rather stick to well-lit areas instead of bravely but stupidly heading into the dark to go and see if you can find them. But then I suppose if the victim simply walks into a well-lit area and sits around for 90 minutes the film would be pretty boring.

Animals
Just as with affection, if the victim investigates a noise in a darkened room and is startled by a cat/dog/other miscellaneous animal, they are pretty much guaranteed to get murdered immediately after breathing a sigh of relief.

The Unkillable Killer
The killer will always survive whatever is done to them for the duration of the movie. They will get stabbed, shot, set on fire, thrown from a roof, blown up or run over but will always get back up to try and murder the victim again. That is some serious dedication!

The Alien Report

Mandalosian Star Command
Mission Report - Sub-Commander FhxlG'Tul
Subject - IGO-3 (Known to its inhabitants as Earth)

As you are aware, our primary mission was to observe and learn about the inhabitants of IGO-3 for a time period of 5 Mandalosian Time Cycles (approximately 11 Earth months). In this time we would document every aspect of their life cycles and determine if official first contact and possible colonization would be feasible. Herewith my report.

Life Cycle
Humans appear to be the dominant species on this planet, or at least the most evolved. They are conceived during some sort of elaborate mating ritual, culminating in what appears to be a feverish tussle with the male inserting his insemination appendage into the female's reception orifice. In some cases this is over rather quickly, in other cases it is a long and drawn out affair with lots of grunting and other sounds. Not a quiet, sterile insemination as is the case in our species. The gestation period in humans is also extremely long, taking approximately 9 of their months before the infant is ejected from the mother's body. Unlike our offspring, the human infant is dependent on the human adults for nourishment and care. This may last as long as 20 of their years. Compared to other mammalian species on the planet, whose young are weaned in a much shorter time, it is surprising that humans have risen to the top of their food chain.

Nourishment
Unlike our society that uses lab-grown re-sequenced foodstuffs with all the necessary nutrients added, humans appear to eat plant material. They also eat other mammalian species. In fact, it appears that they are willing to consume just about any other living species on the planet. In some remote locations on the planet, humans even hunt and consume each other! Unlike us, they have to eat frequently. In fact, it is recommended that they eat 3 meals a day. I am not sure why they require that much sustenance. Surely it places a large strain on available food sources.

Health
Humans appear to be extremely hardy. They are able to survive in temperatures ranging from freezing cold to extremely hot. Although there are many bacterial and viral agents present on their world, which cause a wide variety of illnesses, humans can in most cases fight off these illnesses using only their body's natural defense system. Humans are so hardy, in fact, that I have observed them with missing limbs and internal organs and yet they can still function normally. They also have supreme stamina and large groups regularly engage in various physical activities which would leave us exhausted.

Recreation
As mentioned above, humans engage in a wide variety of physical activities that they call "sport". This involves running long distances or having teams fight over spherical or oval shape objects referred to as "balls". Some of the games appear to involve getting rid of the "ball", as in something called "cricket". One player, as they are referred to, hurls the ball away from them and at another player who, in turn, swats it away using a large piece of wood called a "bat". Other players then rush to intercept the ball, I assume in case it goes missing, and hurls it back to its starting position. The whole procedure then starts all over again. Unfortunately its purpose completely escapes me.

Relationships with Other Species
Humans appear to enjoy the company of other species on their planet. I have observed them sharing their abodes with multiple animal species, including felines and canines. They appear to have a fascination with animals, no matter how large or fierce. As an experiment we selected a secluded area with a low human population and dropped off a Mandalosian fur-beast. As you well know, these are fierce predators on our home-world, so I expected the sight of an alien predator to strike fear into humans. The response was not one that I expected. Upon sighting the fur-beast, a human female emitted a high pitched squeal which I originally took to be a cry of fear. But then she rushed towards the fur-beast screaming incomprehensibly. I managed to pick out human words like "cute" and "fluffy". I suspect she intended to cuddle the fur-beast which, understandably, fled in confusion.

Transportation
Humans use land, water and air-based vehicles to travel across their planet. Most of these are crudely constructed out of metals and synthetic materials and use the controlled combustion of highly flammable liquids to power them. The astonishing thing is that they manage to travel around in these vehicles daily and do not spontaneously explode every so often. And when they want to travel outside of their atmosphere they use massive missiles filled with an even more combustible mix of liquids to propel themselves into space. I honestly do not know how they have managed to get this far technologically without killing off their entire species.

In Conclusion
I am of the opinion that humans are not suitable for contact with our species. They are violent and confusing, apparently reveling in destroying the world they live on. I was suprised to discover that they discovered how to split atoms, but not as suprised to find out that the first thing they applied it to was weaponry. I have observed a certain capacity for good as well, but in my opinion they are not ready or evolved enough to interact with us directly. And from what I have seen in their interactions with other species, they might try to eat/kill/cuddle our ambassador.

Power Up

My lovely lady and I were chatting the other day and the question of super powers came up. What super power would you choose if you could have any super power? Invisibility is at the top of the list, along with the ability to not go into a boiling rage when the taxi driver decides to park his beaten up minibus in the middle of the intersection so that one person can take an eternity to get in/out. But that got me thinking, what are the strangest super powers to ever grace comic books? I was very surprised when I looked it up!

1. Matter-Eater Lad
Matter-Eater Lad is from the planet Bismoll, where poisonous microbes made all food inedible, forcing the planet's inhabitants to evolve to have the ability to eat any form of matter. Matter-Eater Lad can also eat at super-speeds and consume matter otherwise thought to be indestructible, meaning that theoretically, he could eat Superman.

2. Bouncing Boy
Bouncing Boy made his comic book debut in 1961 after young Chuck Taine accidentally drank an experimental super-plastic formula he mistook for soda pop. He then gained the ability to inflate his body like a ball and bounce around without injury.

3. Arm-Fall-Off Boy
Arm-Fall-Off Boy's power stems from his ability to -- you guessed it -- detach his limbs and use them to beat evil-doers. Sadly, he was denied entry into the Legion Of Super-Heroes, despite the group inducting the likes of Matter-Eater Lad and Bouncing Boy. By all accounts, Arm-Fall-Off Boy was intended to be a joke character, and he very much was.

4. Squirrel Girl
This crime-fighting high-schooler can communicate with squirrels, but also has super strength, super speed and a retractable knuckle spike. She consumes macadamia nuts for extra strength and even has a squirrel sidekick. Squirrel Girl's crowning achievement is her defeat of the infamous Doctor Doom after she, umm, overwhelmed him with squirrels.

5. Red Bee
When Rick Raleigh isn't working as the assistant to Superior City's District Attorney, he's fighting crime under the guise of Red Bee. Red Bee has a swarm of trained bees stored in his belt to unleash on criminals at the ready. It is unknown how he trained the bees or how he is able to keep them in his belt (don't ask too many questions) but Red Bee is not to be confused with Yellowjacket, who can also control bees.

6. Zeitgeist
Alex Cluney has a very distinctive mutant power which enables him to spew acidic vomit from his mouth. Tragically, he discovered his power while making out with a girl; he vomited acid all over her and burned her face (thankfully she survived). His vomit is highly acidic, able to burn through 10-centimetre-thick steel in less than 30 seconds. Hopefully he also carries mints.

7. Infectious Lass
Drura Sehpt hails from the planet Somahtur, whose inhabitants can easily infect others with various diseases while they themselves remain immune to its effects. After travelling to Earth, Drura became Infectious Lass and began fighting crime, although her powers sometimes do as much harm as they do good, especially when she accidentally infects other heroes with illnesses.

8. Color Kid
Ulu Vakk was just a normal guy until a beam of multi-coloured light from another dimension struck him, thereby giving him the superpower to change to the colour of anything he wants.

9. Rainbow Girl
Dori Aandraison, also known as Rainbow Girl, can wield the mysterious power of the Emotional Spectrum, meaning that she has the ability to give herself unpredictable mood swings (ladies, amiright?!). Having always wanted to become an actress, she aspired to join the Legion Of Super Heroes in order to gain notoriety, but instead had to settle for the Legion Of Substitute Heroes.

10. Anarchist
Anarchist, one of the founding members of the X-Statix mutant superhero group, has the ability to secrete acidic sweat. His sweat allows him to project acidic blasts of energy. He and Zeitgeist should probably talk.

11. Dead Girl
Dead Girl's mutant powers were activated by her death (there's a shocker) which allowed her to continuously reanimate her corpse and come back to life, essentially making her immortal. Additionally, she can communicate with other dead beings, survive without any food, water or oxygen, and control severed parts of her body. And guys, she's (unsurprisingly) single.

12. Stone Boy
Dag Wentim is a native of the planet Zwen, where people developed the ability to turn themselves into stone for long periods of hibernation. Originally, he was unable to move in his stone form and was only able to transform into an immovable, nearly indestructible statue of himself, which was not very useful in battle (his teammates would sometimes drop him on villains). However, he eventually gained the ability to move while in his stone state.

13. Brother Power the Geek
Brother Power The Geek was originally just a mannequin in a tailor's shop. One day the mannequin was struck by lightning, which somehow not only brought it to life, but also gave it super powers. He may not look very formidable, but he has super strength and is nearly indestructible, though he is portrayed as a pacifist. (The original comic book debuted in 1968 and only lasted two issues before being cancelled.)

14. El Guapo
Robbie Rodriguez, a member of the X-Statix mutant group, has no discernible powers aside from a telepathic connection to a flying, seemingly sentient skateboard. He can control the skateboard with his mind, though the skateboard can also act through his subconscious thoughts. Sadly, after the skateboard falls under a curse, it flies out of control and impales El Guapo through the heart, killing him. Ironic, isn't it?

15. Jazz
Jazz appears to be a very special case in the X-Men universe due to the fact that his genetic mutation is not a power, but rather a change to his physical appearance, resulting in his skin turning blue. He has no other discernible powers or abilities. However, he is an aspiring rapper.

Somehow I am not very surprised that we never see the above heroes in any of the Avengers, Justice League or X-Men films.....

Cruel, Crazy, Beautiful World

For those of you who grew up in the 90's, the title of this post would mean that you now have Johnny Clegg's catchy hit song from that period stuck in your head. For those who have no idea what I am talking about, you are either too young or too lazy to just Google it. Shame on you! Anyway, I was lying in bed last night thinking about our country and the things happening in it and to it. Every day we get more news about corruption in government, or the fact that the Guptas were playing their own personal game of Monopoly with South Africa, or (unnecessary) fuel price hikes, or more strikes, or crime on the rise and so on. With the way things are going our national animal shouldn't be a springbok, it should be a rottweiler and our national anthem should be 5 minutes of gunshots, sirens and screaming.

I agree, this is not exactly a optimistic view of our country, but before you browse away looking for a passport and visa out of the country, or pictures of fluffy kittens or the nearest bottle store, bear with me. Yes, the country might be in chaos, and it might be ruled by people who think proper governance is something that comes as a cheap toy in a cereal box, but actually we still live in a beautiful place. We have the Big 5 (if you don't know what that is, why are you even on my blog), we have breathtaking scenery and we have a rich cultural heritage. Think about it, almost every week you read about floods in various parts of the world unceremoniously moving people's houses from one spot to another, or earthquakes knocking out power and playing dominoes with buildings, or typhoons/hurricanes/tornadoes/Justin Bieber causing chaos and completely ruining people's lives. Whereas here in South Africa, natural disasters tend to pass us by. A few years ago we had our very first tsunami warning. A massive wave was set to hit Durban and wipe out houses and businesses and cause death and destruction. Instead a large amount of surfers showed up and surfed a swell that was only marginally larger than the standard variety. Gauteng has recently experienced a few earthquakes which rattled windows and startled poodles, but nothing strong enough to cause any actual damage.

Let's face it, even the rest of the world acknowledges that we tend to be relatively free of any major meteorological or geological catastrophes. Look at any disaster movie where our planet is shown from space. The rest of the globe is encased in ice or submerged in water, but the continent of Africa is still there, sticking out of the ocean as proudly as a hippo in a bathtub. So relax, crack open a beer or pour a nice chilled glass of wine. As crazy as things seem, we are not all going to get washed away by the next cataclysm.....

Shower Thoughts

Recently I came across an article listing some "shower thoughts" that a selection of people shared online. Shower thoughts are defined as the strange and unusual thoughts that some people have while in the shower. And I'm not one to knock that, since most of my blog posts and short stories have their origin in a room filled with steam and whatever soap I have handy at that point! Without further ado, herewith some of the best Shower Thoughts I have found online so far....

"Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but there are no enemies."

"When we're young, we sneak out our house to go to parties. When we're old, we sneak out of parties to go home."

"There should be a reality show where flat-earthers have to find the edge of the world."

"If you run at 11pm you are a night person. If you run at 5am you are a morning person. If you run at 3am you are a suspicious person."

"Maybe dogs bring home sticks because that was bred into them over millennia of humans needing wood for fires."

"You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner."

"A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you."

"8 hours of drinking is binge drinking, 8 hours of TV is binge watching, 8 hours of sleep is barely enough."

"An underrated perk of being an adult is you no longer outgrow your clothes."

"Bean bags are just boneless sofas."

"The best part of cucumber tastes like the worst part of watermelon."

"Witches have black cats because if they had white cats they would have white cat hair all over their clothes."

"Drinking water with a minty mouth is the cold version of spicy."

"Only one sock goes missing because if both disappeared, you wouldn’t notice."

"25 years ago seeing a toddler use technology was seen as a stroke of genius, today it is largely met with thoughts of a lack of parenting."

"Your tongue’s ability to detect hair is underrated."

"The E's in pee/bee are silent."

"Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that's entirely end credits."

"Your dog thinks "fetch" is a game that the two of you made up, and he loves you for that."

"Knowledge is knowing that you can carry all of the groceries in at once. Wisdom is making multiple trips so that by the time you are done, other family members have put away most of the groceries."

"Accidentally liking someone's post while snooping through their profile is the digital equivalent of stepping on a twig while sneaking through the forest."

"Its common for babies to fall asleep and wake up in different locations all the time, but as an adult the idea of that happening is terrifying."

"Being shot with an arrow is basically being long-distance stabbed."

Why So Serious?

I was watching the Chris Nolan Batman trilogy again not too long ago. In one of the pivotal scenes of the second film, the Joker (brilliantly played by the late Heath Ledger) asks "Why so serious?" And, because I am rather weird and pick up on strange things, I thought to myself "Why am I so serious?" Yes, I do understand that the fact that I identify on some level with a psychopathic killer clown is a bit concerning, but hear me out. We live in a day and age where, all around us, the world is going belly up. Crime is at an all time high (and that is just in the Government), the prices of literally everything are going up and depressing news is everywhere. So in the face of all of this negativity we can either give in and hide in our fallout shelters (not that I have one, I'm just saying) or we can enjoy what we have.

Since having a daughter I have learned that it is okay to be silly sometimes. There are times where I have to just sit still and have her paint my face, usually making me look like I got farted on by a unicorn. Other times I have to duel with her and, because she is my daughter and thus just as weird as I am, she is usually in a dainty princess dress and tiara while wielding her mighty sword and chasing me around the garden. So, in short, it is okay to be silly at times.

This morning I saw a poster that went "I am a mature adult. I am a mature adult. I am a mature.....ah screw it! I am building a blanket fort! You need a password to get in. The password is monkey butt."
So today I am throwing down the gauntlet. To everyone out there reading this, whether on purpose or because you Googled the phrase monkey butt and ended up here, be silly! Lighten up! Build that pillow fort! Have your face painted badly by a 4 year old! Remember what it is to have fun!

Annual Suffering

A few weeks ago I caught a cold. Up to that point I had successfully been avoiding all the cold viruses that seemed determined to infect me. But alas, one can only resist it so long when everyone around you is coughing and sneezing up a storm. So, involuntarily, I joined the club. It started with the usual suspects: a sore, scratchy throat, a slightly runny nose and a bit of a fever. Naturally I got myself the usual round of cold meds and just kept going. But no, this cold was on the warpath! It would not go down without a fight!

Now, medical research, pharmacies and doctors everywhere maintain that there is still no cure for the common cold, something that has been around in some shape or form for centuries. I still firmly believe the cure was discovered long ago, but the pharmaceutical companies keep it under wraps because they make more money out of our misery. So needless to say, with a cold as determined as this one, regular meds were not cutting it. I woke up one morning with my voice missing in action and my throat swollen shut, so I finally decided to call in reinforcements and went to the doctor. He asked me about my symptoms and listened patiently while I whispered them out to him. Then he had a look at my throat, proclaimed that I had viral pharyngitis with a secondary bacterial infection, and promptly wrote me a prescription for half the meds in the pharmacy. He also sternly told me that he was sending me home where I had to stay quarantined for 3 days.

After working my way through the course of antibiotics, pain meds, corticosteroids and stuff to protect my stomach from the rest of the meds, I finally started to feel better. The cold still tried to hang on for another week or so, but faced with such an overwhelming onslaught of medication that I can't even spell or pronounce, it finally gave up.

Again, pharmaceutical companies, if you are listening, or browsed to my page by mistake while looking for the Dummies Guide to Raising Leeches please, I beg of you, release the cure for the common cold. End our annual suffering! Then you can focus on more important matters, like trying to figure out why politicians are all so darn dim-witted......