The Tongue

I don't think I classify as an animal lover. Sure, I appreciate the beauty of nature and the animals that dwell therein. But in general I like cats. And that's pretty much it. I do tolerate dogs, don't get me wrong, and I've even learned to like and appreciate some of the dogs that I have gotten to know. But there are some dogs that I struggle to like. Dogs that seem to go out of their way to annoy me. A prime example of this is the basset hound. My first experience with a basset hound was when I was sitting somewhere, casually working on my laptop, and the sound of scrabbling paws reaches my ears. I look up and there, seemingly suspended in mid-air, was a basset hound on a flying trajectory to my lap.

Now, before I make up my mind about any dog, I have to meet them and get to know them first. Having one the size of a small rhino making an unannounced landing on my lap is definitely not my idea of a first meeting. That encounter already gave me an uneasy feeling about basset hounds. So it was with some trepidation that I found out that my future brother-in-law had acquired one. He called it Bones. And for some reason, known only to him, he loves it dearly. I do not. After my first encounter with it I promptly renamed it The Tongue. It seems to derive a great amount of pleasure chasing you around the house trying to sniff and/or lick you. It once chased me around their kitchen trying desperately to lick my ankles (in retrospect wearing sandals to their home might have been a bad idea). It finds feet and exposed skin irresistible! And for some reason it has a tongue that appears to be longer than the dog itself. How it fits that sizable (drooling) tongue into its mouth remains a mystery. Maybe they should invite over a few scientists in HazMat suits to find out.

To me a basset hound is like a cartoon character that has come to life. It seems impossibly droopy and floppy with a tongue that is longer than the Nile River, and just as wet. And yet it is blessed with an almost inexhaustible level of energy. And does it use this endless supply for the greater good? No! It uses it to chase you around the house in a crazy bid to lubricate your ankles! Or to chew whatever it can find. I'm pretty sure that the stomach lining of the average basset hound consists of die-cast titanium! It will eat rocks, plastic bottles, clothing, yellow-cake uranium and other miscellaneous items and still be perfectly fine! It proves my theory that it is a living cartoon character time and time again.....

A Challenging Task

So I read recently that the mark of a good writer is the ability to write about pretty much anything. A really good writer can take a boring topic like toenails or slightly green moss and turn it into something informative and amusing. That gave me an idea. I selected a few of my more avid readers and sent them a message, asking them to come up with strange and unusual ideas for my next blog post. Obviously topics that were overtly sexual, racist or blasphemous would be discarded. As would anything that has to do with Justin Bieber, and I would probably block the person who suggested him. Soon my inbox was absolutely flooded with a suggestion. Yip, just one. The topic? My future brother-in-law's basset hound. Thankfully I decided not to give up, and received a few verbal suggestions. My original plan was to put all the topics I received in my inbox to a vote, and then pick the most popular one. Seeing as I only received one written suggestion, I have decided to rather take all the suggestions that I have received (written and verbal) and blog about them in the coming weeks. I have also decided to blog about them in the order that they were suggested, so next week Monday you can sit back, relax and read the gripping tale of one man's best friend. Or as I like to call him......The Tongue!

How's the Weather?

What could be easier? You go onto the internet, do a quick search for the weather for your area, and voila! Instant weather forecast! Even most smartphones have weather apps that will tell you what the weather will be like on an hourly basis. How extremely convenient! Too bad that it is always wrong! When you think of people who predict the weather, you think they have access to advanced satellites and weather stations globally that will give them accurate information. I think they just tell us this to put us at ease. Their extremely advanced equipment actually looks something like this.....

Either that or they pull weather conditions out of a large bowl every morning. To give you an example, a while back I checked the app on my phone and found that they were expecting a thunderstorm. In reality it was nothing but sunshine and a light breeze. So the next day they predicted another thunderstorm. Unfortunately for them it was another glorious sunny day. The next day they were so certain that they gave a warning of severe thunderstorms with heavy rainfall. Alas, nothing. The only drops that fell were from my neighbour's sprinkler. After that they gave up on the idea of a thunderstorm and predicted a sunny day with a light breeze. And immediately we had strong winds, dark clouds and thunder was booming.

I recently suggested to a colleague of mine that the guys who designed the weather app should add the words "I guess" in front of every forecast. That way it will be more realistic: "I guess there may be thunderstorms later." The reason I think they should do this is because it seems that guessing is all they do.....

Rock Out to......Gummy Bears?

I attended my very first music festival recently. Well, when I say attended, I actually mean I accompanied a friend who was supporting her brother, who was doing the sound for the event. We arrived rather late, because my friend had to finish working first. So we had to pay a rather large amount of money to enter, even though we weren't actually there for the event itself. And upon entering, we heard this....

A local singer blasting his way through the beloved Gummy Bears theme song. Now, while I really enjoy the cartoon series and its extremely catchy opening theme, I wasn't quite expecting to hear it at a music festival. More specifically, an Afrikaans music festival. But the crowd loved it! Hearing a large drunken gathering of people all singing along to Gummy Bears at the top of their voices was quite an experience! After the singer finished his set, the live portion of the show was over and a local DJ started entertaining the crowd. At this point two bottles of alcohol was offered to the person who could dance the best on-stage. This prompted a massive response from the crowd and the dancers were cheered on enthusiastically. The winner was a girl who stopped just short of actually taking her clothes off, which goes to show, people will do just about anything to win!

Thereafter I sat and watched the crowd, who had by now imbibed in rather large amounts of alcohol. People were drunkenly dancing, or swaying across the terrain. I couldn't be sure if they were swaying to the music or just trying not to topple over. I also saw people drunkenly making out as if the world was ending in 10 minutes, and a few people of....er.....robust weight dancing around. I saw things jiggle that I am pretty sure are not supposed to jiggle!

All-in-all it was a rather unique experience. And even though I was quite baffled by the choice of songs and some of the goings-on, I do believe I shall attend a few more music festivals. Who knows, next time I might even sing along.....

The Black Plague

Normally the title of this post would call up images of the most devastating pandemic in human history. One that killed an estimated 200 million people in the years 1346 to 1353. While tragic, it is not that specific black plague that I am referring to. No, I am referring to this one....

I am currently struggling with an ant infestation. It seems that there are ants everywhere! And I have tried a variety of methods of ridding myself of them. Ant Traps, which are containers carrying a poisonous fluid that ants can take into their nest, killing it from the inside. They were interested in it for about two weeks, and then started ignoring it after it gave them heartburn. It didn't seem to do anything other than annoy them! Aerosol poisons like Doom and Raid managed to kill a few of them, but because of the sheer volume of ants in my dwelling place it was like throwing water balloons at an elephant. Very ineffective! "Try cinnamon. Ants don't like cinnamon," someone suggested. Apart from making my place smell like a pancake factory, it didn't do much to deter them. Baby powder was another suggestion, but it too was ineffective.

I realise that ants have a very important role to play in the Circle of Life. ("Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba!"....okay, I'll stop now) For those who have no idea what just happened, click here. I realise that they are an intricate part of nature. In certain African countries army ants are used as surgical sutures. Here in South Africa ants are used to harvest Rooibos seeds. Weaver ants in China are used to control pests that threaten crops. So they definitely have their uses. Just not in my house. It seems that I can't escape them! While I'm taking a bath they will all line up along the side of the bathtub and stare at me. I too find the human body fascinating and beautiful but the way they watch me with their beady little black eyes is unnerving! Are they admiring me? Are they trying to share thoughts and insights? Are they trying to eat me? Who knows! Once, I tried to ignore their constant staring and continue with my bathing, not noticing that one had taken a dive into my bathwater. But I noticed it rather quickly when it clamped onto my genitals and refused to let go! I had to completely maim it in order to free my pained man-bits from its vice-like grip!

It is estimated that there are around 1 million ants for every human being on the planet. They occur on every single landmass except Antarctica. And they can adapt to changing environments like no other species on Earth. So it seems highly unlikely that I will get them to stop staring at me during bath-time! When faced with such overwhelming odds there is but one thing you can do.....

When the Bough Breaks

Amber Whittington-Jones is dying. She starts looking back on her life and writes a series of letters to her husband and teenage son, trying to explain her actions and begging for their forgiveness. Late one night, after falling and knocking herself unconscious, she slips into a coma from which she will never awaken, but all is not what it seems....

When the Bough Breaks is the first work of fiction from South African author, actress, singer and DJ Casey B Dolan. After the success of her autobiography, An Appetite for Peas, which I reviewed here, she once again awed us with another written masterpiece. It is a hard-hitting tale of love, deceit, lust and passion that will leave you begging for more. The story is told in a very unique way, through letters written by the lead character to her loved ones and it is gripping from beginning to end. I was simply amazed by the vast array of emotions that I experienced while reading this novel. I truly believe that Ms Dolan is firmly planting herself in the upper echelons of great authors which include Wilbur Smith and Michael Crichton. It is said that if reading a book leaves you utterly breathless and exhausted, you have read a great book. And When the Bough Breaks falls squarely into that category. Ms Dolan, your audience breathlessly awaits your next masterpiece!

Sense? This Makes None!

I am a big fan of video games. To play a video game is to be transported to another world, one where you can slay dragons or fight armies. You can immerse yourself in a world of fantasy and escape from your daily routine for a while. Certain games are also breathtaking to look at. One of my favourites is Skyrim, the fifth game in The Elder Scrolls series. Just look at this view!

Who wouldn't want to take a stroll through that?! But something that is bugging me, and has bugged me for a while, is the in-game logic when it comes to healing your character. In games like Call of Duty or Half-Life you get healed by med stations or by picking up med-kits. This makes sense to me, but in games like the original side-scrolling Duke Nukem, the Wolfenstein series and in Skyrim, you eat something to heal your character. How does that make sense? Where in the real world, after you are stabbed or shot, do you quickly drive to the nearest KFC, munch on a Boxmaster and you are fine again?! How did the video game creators come up with this plan? I do realise that video games are fantasy, but in games like Wolfenstein and Skyrim you do actually have alternative ways of healing your character, so why not stick to that?

Speaking of Skyrim, you can actually carry a bewildering amount of food with you, enough to feed yourself and all of the bandits/mages/thieves that are attacking you. But just imagine that scene; you are in the middle of an epic fight for your life when you realise your health is running low, so you loudly yell "WAIT!" and all combat stops. Your opponents look at you in puzzlement while you open your knapsack and start munching your way through its contents. Eating food to heal yourself in Skyrim is a slow process, as food only heals you slightly, so you have to consume quite a large amount in order for it to make any difference. So all of your attackers are standing around awkwardly while you engage in a mid-combat picnic.

Now, I don't know about you, but after eating a large meal (usually around Christmas time) I don't feel like moving, much less getting up and fighting a rampaging barbarian horde! So that also doesn't make sense! And the vast array of food you can carry with you is mind-boggling! Most of the meals you carry with you are cooked in-game from ingredients that you purchase or gather in the wild. Everything from apple pie to stews and soups! And you have to cook/bake it yourself! Half the time you don't know whether you are playing Skyrim or participating in some weird virtual episode of MasterChef! Technically your character should end up looking something like this....

One of the most famous lines uttered by a random guard (which spawned a massive amount of internet memes) is "I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow in the knee." I firmly believe this should be changed to "I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I ate too much and now I have to watch my cholesterol."