Eight Legged Freak!

The other day I was thinking back to the early days of my courtship with my lovely companion when a certain memory resurfaced. After a period spent breathing deeply, consuming some alcohol and thinking happy thoughts I decided to share my experience here.

We had been dating for about 2 years at that point when I received a call from my lovely companion at about 22:30 one evening. There was a major emergency and she impressed upon me that speed was required. My first clue that something was amiss was that she did not want to explain the nature of said emergency. When I arrived at her humble abode, she handed me the keys to the house through her bedroom window. That was my next clue. Upon entering the house, I rounded a corner and came eyeball to eyeball with the largest member of the arachnid family that I have ever seen. Unfortunately I do not possess a picture of this freak of nature because I was too focused on whimpering and trying not to soil myself. It was sitting on the door (which was closed, hence my lovely companion handing me the keys through the window) which leads to the bedrooms. My lovely companion was on the other side of the door, trying to get me to describe what was going on instead of crying softly. She then (from the other side of the freaking door, and thus safe) told me not to kill it, but to catch it and release it instead. Keep in mind that this was a GINORMOUS spider, probably the result of some twisted and mad scientist's genetic experiments into creating some super arachnid species, or it was a mutated monster created by the effects of global warming, radioactive waste and no-name brand margarine. I decided that it was not allowed to live, for it would take over the world if it did. I armed myself with a rolled-up newspaper, but quickly discarded the idea for fear that the spider would take it from me and attempt to beat ME to death with it. I grabbed the next best thing; the telephone directory. With a massive war-cry, worthy of any Klingon, I swung my chosen weapon with a righteous fury. It connected solidly, smashing my foe to bits (it was so large that its legs stuck out on either side of the telephone directory) and fracturing my thumb in the process. So wounds were sustained on both fronts, but at least I emerged victorious, reveling in the knowledge that there is one less monster spider in the world.....