Vampires Suck!

I was recently invited to accompany my lovely companion to the very last (thank the Lord!) Twilight movie. An invitation that I respectfully declined. The reason is that I now have a big problem with vampires. Gone are the days of the dark, dangerous and mysterious creatures of the night. You used to have Vlad the Impaler, more commonly known as Dracula. A man so evil that even death couldn't stop him. He would rise nightly to terrorise virgins everywhere, spawning the vampire legend. Then you had Lestat; cold, vicious and annoyingly good looking. And from the legendary Count Dracula and Lestat, we went to.......Edward. Now I'm sorry, but I refuse to be afraid or in awe of an Edward. Especially when he lights up like a diamond encrusted Christmas tree every time he steps into sunlight. In the good old days vampires would burst into flame when exposed to sunlight, a good situation for the savvy vampire hunter who remembered to pack his marshmallows. So instead of having dark and dangerous, you now have a teenage vampire who's constantly brooding; skulking around with a look of extreme angst and mild constipation on his face. (Hey, an undead digestive system will do that to you.) Then you have Bella, portrayed on the big screen by an actress who has heard of the concept of facial expressions and emotions but couldn't be bothered to apply them. With that in mind, I think a pivotal moment of the first movie should have gone like this:

Bella: I know what you are.

Edward: Say it....

Bella: Gay!

Edward: Ye....wait, what?

Bella: I said you're gay.

Edward: Why the hell would you say that???

Bella: Well, you light up like a fairy princess every time you step into the sun.

Edward: That's it! I've heard enough! I'm off to go brood some more! And don't you dare tell Jacob about this! You'll make him take his shirt off again!

Let's face it, vampires have lost their mysticism. Even Underworld was pushing it slightly. The only reason that it succeeded was because they decided to put Kate Beckinsale in a skin-tight leather outfit and give her guns. I am probably right in saying that most men on this planet don't remember a single line of dialogue, they were just looking at Kate's leather-clad posterior through most of the movie.

And don't even get me started on Buffy the Vampire Slayer! That was like The Young and the Restless with fangs! Sigh.....maybe one day vampires will once again regain their dignity. Until then, I'm swearing off of vampire movies completely! Let's face it, vampires suck!