Man of Many Talents

Talents. Some have lots, some have but a few. Thankfully I have a multitude of talents; making a killer cup of tea, solving most computer ailments just by thinking about it and other miscellaneous talents that only my lovely companion will ever know about, but chief of these, the talent I use the most is simply this: I am always in the way. I decide to stand in the kitchen while my lovely companion is preparing a sumptuous meal, and no matter where I decide to plant my 6 foot frame, I manage to be where she needs to be 2 minutes later. I can't accurately describe this uncanny ability to be a physical (and rather pudgy, time to hit the gym again) barrier. It just happens. I don't think about it, I don't even try to be in the way, it just happens. And I have tested this theory. We would visit friends and I would pick a place to stand. It would look harmless enough, but without fail, about 2 minutes later someone would want something and I would have to move. You could describe it as my super power. Which would suck if super powers actually existed. Can you imagine the conversation at a superhero convention:

Me: So, what is your superpower?

Random Superhero: I can move objects just by thinking about it. I also have superhuman strength and the ability to sing soprano without sounding gay. What is your superpower?

Me: I block kitchen cupboards with my massive frame.

Random Superhero: Ha ha ha ha! That's a good one! But seriously, what's your superpower?

Me: I was serious.

(Awkward silence ensues)

So now I pull up a chair and sit quietly in a corner whenever I am in the kitchen, after making sure that the chair that I am occupying is not located in front of any condiment-containing cupboard which would need to be accessed just as I am getting comfortable. Things could be worse in the grander scheme of things I suppose. My super power could have been blocking toilets every time I flush, or causing cats to spontaneously develop hairballs along with the irresistible urge to yark it up on our bed. Or causing global warming. So the next time someone thinks about complaining that I am in the way they should just remain quiet and let me make them a cup of tea.....