Tahlia: Papa, I made you a cupcake for your birthday!
Me: Thank you! It looks awesome! I can't wait to eat it!
Tahlia: You can't eat it, it's dirt!
Me: ........
As a result of our unusual conversations, I started wondering if there were other parents with the same experiences. A quick Google search revealed that, while my kid was definitely the cutest girl on the planet (I'm her father, deal with it) she was not the only kid surprising her parents with the weird things she comes up with. Herewith some of the best examples I have found....
1. Little girl with a wild imagination.
A few months back my wife showed a picture of herself to our 3-year-old daughter. In the picture my wife is about 7 years old. “Do you know who this is?”
Daughter: (gasps) “That’s me when I’m bigger!”
I love that she thought this was actually possible.
2. The simple logic of children.
My son when he was 6: “Dad, can we get a cat?” Me: “Your Mom is allergic to cats, so no.” My Son: “When Mom dies can we get a cat?” Me: “Sure.”
3. Sometimes, you have to set your mom straight.
This morning, my wife told my 3-year-old daughter that owls were nocturnal. My daughter responded, “Yes, owls are not turtles.”
4. A boy who is wise beyond his years.
My 4-year-old is currently singing a song he made up himself. He only has a chorus that goes “You can’t soooooolve Mississippi’s problems.”
5. Filter-less children.
Son and I are playing catch. I have a terrible throw that sails over his head. I say, “Sorry, that was a bad throw.” He stops, gives me a kind look and says, “No daddy, that was a wonderful throw.” Then takes 2 steps towards getting the ball. He stops again, turns back around and says, “When we say something nice, even when we don’t mean it at all, that’s called being polite, right?”
6. Any time a kid says “penis” it’s funny.
My four-year-old son was in the bathroom with the door closed.
I knocked and said, “What’s going on in there?”
His reply: “Nothing, it’s just me and my penis.”
7. A boy who simply loves nipples.
I was putting my son to bed when he was about 5, and after the bedtime story, right when I was tucking him in and turning out the light, he said “Nipples. I love ’em. What about you?” with this totally serious expression. It took major effort to remain composed and try to make it look like I was taking his question seriously.
8. A smart-ass little girl.
My little sister was at the doctor’s office for her annual check up–she had to be somewhere around 3. The nurse was asking all the standard coordination type questions–touch your nose, put your hands up, jump, etc. Being a healthy capable little devil, she’s doing everything fine. Then, the nurse says, “stand on one foot.” My little sister looks at the nurse, looks down, and hesitates. Then she walks over and stands on one of the nurse’s feet.
9. Why are kids so clever?
My cousin’s daughter’s response to “I love you,” was “I love me too” for the longest time.
10. A truly frightening mispronunciation.
While waiting in line to get her picture taken with Santa I was giving my 2-year-old daughter pieces of popcorn one at a time as a snack. I must have been a little slow with my delivery and she shouted “MORE COCKPORN DADDY” at the top of her lungs. It was awesome.
11. A boy on salad.
I was on the phone with my wife discussing dinner plans and my 7-year-old informed us that “salad is ruining my life.”
12. When kids take things too literally.
I try to make it a point to take about 10 min at the end of each evening to help my daughter straighten up her room.
After a particularly rough day, I sat down on the floor of her room to help her sort thru her dolls and I had muttered “I really don’t have the juice for this tonight…”
My daughter left the room and returned a few minutes later with a cup of apple juice for me.
13. Overheard: children talking in a first grade classroom.
Overheard in a first grade classroom:
“Well when my Mom and Dad practice wrestling I get to eat a whole bowl of ice cream and watch whatever movie I want!!!”
That was a fun one!
14. When life gives you lemons…
I gave my son a timeout from swords, light sabers, guns and (Thor) hammers due to him being too violent/aggressive. After about 10 minutes of quiet, I went to check on him and found him building w/ his Legos.
After I told him that I was proud of him for listening, I asked him what he was building. He told me he was building an ultimate Lego weapon so that he could destroy me.
I think he may have missed the point, but at least he’s persistent.
15. Another case of filter-less children.
My three-year-old niece is a great little girl, and she has a firm grip on the rules… So much so that she walks around repeating them from time to time. Usually it’s pretty mundane things like, “be careful around [her baby sister’s name]” or simply “don’t be mad.”
The unprompted sharing of the rules is pretty cute, but it is really great when some of the more private rules come out while eating dinner or walking in the store, like “only daddy says god damnit” or “don’t stick your fingers in your butt.”
16. A very picky trick-or-treater.
My son just turned two and is barely saying complete words. On Halloween we took him trick-or-treating and when someone would hold out their hand with candy, he would inspect it and if he didn’t care for what the candy was, he would look up and say ” no thank you” and then start towards the next house. It was hilarious.
17. Reaction to the first time she was asked to pee in a cup.
Not my son, but when I was a little kid, I had to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office. It was my fist time doing it, so my mom helped me. After I peed into it, I said to her, “I don’t have to drink it, do I?”
18. Kids just say the darndest things.
While driving on the interstate with my 2.5 year old in the back seat: “Any idiots out today, dad?”
Also, my wife was in the elevator with my son at work once, and a Sikh with a thick beard got on. My son pointed at him and said “wolfman.”
19. A boy who mixed up testicles with intestines.
My husband overheard his son talking with his friends about testicles at about age 8. The conversation went like this. “Those are the things that are underneath your penis.” “I think those are called balls,” tapping his chin thoughtfully. “No they aren’t. They are right here,” pointing to his abdomen. “What?” “You know, your large intesticles and small intesticles.”
20. Kids can be so simple…
My father was driving with my niece in the back. At one point she said, “How old are you granddad?”. “59,” he replied. “Oh, so next year you’ll be 60?” “Yes.” “And after that, you’ll be dead.” Then she just kind of shrugged her shoulders and looked out of the window.
