Cooking Up a Storm

Who doesn't love a good meal? One prepared skillfully and thoughtfully. One that satisfies you in ways that nothing else can. I am a big fan of cooking, even though I sometimes come up with dishes that look and taste more like biological weapons than food. Not too long ago I tried my hand at making pea soup. Simple, yet delicious. Well, that was the idea anyway. The end result was.....um.....well......boring. It needed a massive amount of salt, pepper and Worcestershire Sauce to even start resembling something that you'd actually want to eat. And even then you ended up like this...

A while back I sat thinking back to the golden days of my youth (stop laughing, it wasn't THAT long ago). My grandfather used to make a pretty decent shrimp cocktail as an appetizer for Sunday lunches. I thought to myself "How hard can it be?" and bought the necessary ingredients. Well, in my mind anyway. After much measuring, adding, chanting and dancing my meal was complete. And it was terrible! Instead of ending up with a much loved childhood meal, I ended up with the edible equivalent of nerve gas.

Thankfully not all of my attempts at rustling up a good meal have ended so disastrously. Some of them have actually yielded some pretty awesome dishes. And needless to say, those are the ones I share with friends and family. That way they know that I can actually do something worthwhile in the kitchen, and that I am not secretly living on a diet of KFC and burgers. Of course, there is a slight downside to having good food. And it is one that we have to consider whenever we bite into something gloriously rich and creamy......

Giddy-Up!

There is a saying that goes: "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." Many people will read this and nod sagely. I have a slight problem with this saying as I fail to see how you wouldn't notice that the horse you are sitting on has dropped dead. There are a few clues to give this fact away. First off, the horse is probably not moving. That is okay, it might have stopped for a breather. Secondly, there is a good chance that the horse is on its side. Okay, fair enough, it might need a substantial breather. But thirdly, the horse is most likely partially on top of you at this point, so you have to be monumentally stupid not to notice that said horse is actually dead.

Now I understand that you will say "Yes, but this is an analogy that states that, if you are participating in a lost cause, your best chance of success is to stop doing it." Alright, fair enough. And it makes a lot of sense. But apparently not to the South African Government. They have failed to notice that the recently deceased horse is lying on top of them, and have resorted to various tactics:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

While I understand that no Government is perfect, I fail to see how the people in power in South Africa can look at a situation that is clearly not working, nod to themselves, proclaim that everything is going according to plan, and then buggering off to lunch. Einstein once declared that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. By that definition our Government needs a new clothing accessory. One that you wear as a jacket, that fastens in the back, and makes you hug yourself......

Adrenaline

This weekend my dad decided to treat myself and my two future brothers-in-law to the Airlink Adrenaline Show held at Wonderboom airport. It was a unique show featuring a blend of airplane stunts and car stunts, and it was all terribly exciting. They had everything from choppers flying sideways and even backwards to a jet car tearing down the runway at tremendous speed.

If walking around looking at various muscle cars, supercars and hotrods are more your thing, they had plenty of those as well. Every few minutes you would hear someone start up something with a massive engine and rev it much to the delight of spectators and passers-by. At some point we too decided to join the masses wandering aimlessly around and found ourselves at the supercar display. Unlike the muscle cars which were standing around with people thronged tightly around them, the supercars were cordoned off, to keep you from drooling on the paintwork. Now, my one future brother-in-law is slightly obsessed with Lamborghini. And when I say slightly obsessed, I mean that he would happily sell off a kidney, part of his digestive tract and even a lung in order to own one. I'm pretty sure that, when pressed, he would also throw in a testicle just to sweeten the deal. So the sight of a Lamborghini Huracan displayed in all its magnificent glory had him frothing at the mouth.

He declared that he was going to go find the organisers in order to get permission to have his photo taken next to it. After a brief absence he came back and declared that he had been given the go-ahead and promptly ducked under the rope before striking a heroic pose while leaning on the 6 million rand supercar for a photo. After snapping a picture of him reclining against a car that costs more than feeding most third world countries, he then had to scamper off when a gigantic bouncer appeared and approached my future brother-in-law with a look of deadly intent in his eyes. After a quick exit, I was left wondering if the organisers had in fact given permission or whether they had laughed off the request, at which point he decided to take matters, and his life, into his own hands. For the rest of the day I half expected the bouncer to jump out of the shadows, grab my future brother-in-law in a headlock and drag him away, leaving me to explain to my sister why she won't be getting married in a few months.

But all things considered, it was quite an eventful day. Pilots and drivers showed off their tremendous skill, man and machine working in perfect harmony. It was breathtaking! And the day lived up to its name, even though the biggest jolt of adrenaline was caused by being chased by a big man with evil intentions......

A Fishy Tale

A friend alerted me to a news story about a National Geographic cameraman that was unexpectedly swallowed by an Ocean Sunfish. For those who don't know, an Ocean Sunfish is something that resembles a whale that was hit by a cruise ship. It is massive but rather flat. Just to give you an idea....

Now the story goes that the unfortunate diver was filming pygmy sperm whales (because that is what one does in your spare time) when the massive sunfish swam up and swallowed him in one gulp before continuing on to wherever sunfish go for after-dinner drinks. The other divers could only watch as the massive fish swam peacefully away.

My friend and I had a long discussion about the digestive capabilities of the sunfish. Seeing as it swallowed the diver whole, what would happen once the diver's oxygen tank encountered the digestive tract? Would the fish explode in a massive cloud of blood, scales and half digested diver, or would it get a rather confused look on its face before rocketing away like a deflating balloon?

And what was going through the cameraman's head as he was swallowed up? Was he wondering if he packed a diving knife? Maybe he was pondering the rarity of being swallowed up by something that looks like a squashed whale? Or maybe he was thinking that he should have rather stayed in bed that morning. Thankfully the man in question can still be asked about the thoughts that flashed through his mind, as he is still very much alive and uneaten. It turns out the story was a hoax, but one that went viral. Ah, the joys of the internet!

For those who want to read the factual article about the diver's encounter with the sunfish, you can find it here.

The Inevitable Event

I think we've all been there; you get this strange tickle in your throat and you think nothing of it. Then it becomes a scratchy feeling and eventually you have to face the facts.....you have a cold. You try to carry on with life as normal, but you have about as much energy as a hibernating sloth, your head is filled with more goo than a Ghostbusters movie and your voice sounds like you are about to make someone an offer they can't refuse.....well, when you aren't coughing or sneezing on them.

Today I was sitting in a meeting with a supplier when my cold medicine rudely decided to wear off. My first indication was a slight tickling sensation in my nose, announcing the imminent arrival of something which would require a tissue or handkerchief to dispose of. None of which I had handy at the time. Now I am pretty sure we have all had to deal with this situation. And you probably tried dealing with it in the same way I did. You give a very subtle tentative sniff, just to see if you can persuade the approaching stream to head back in the other direction. When this fails you try with a bit more force, only to realise that this doesn't have the desired effect either. With the stream now about to make an appearance at the entrance to your left nostril, you give a mighty sniff which sounds like a Hoover sucking on a wet gym sock before giving up and excusing yourself from the meeting to go and blow your now dripping nose.

I am convinced that pharmaceutical companies have long ago discovered the cure for the common cold. It's been around for so long that, if they haven't found a cure, then clearly they are all napping instead of working. They probably make more money out of the various medicines that deal with the symptoms than they would actually curing the common cold. Either that or they find random attempts at vacuum cleaner impersonations during meetings extremely amusing......

Kids!

I recently read an article titled "Signs that You're the Parent of a Toddler". While reading this article I found that they mentioned some very profound truths, some of which I will share with you below:

1. You keep watching Paw Patrol long after your toddler has grown bored with the episode and has wandered off because you want to see if they rescue the baby turtles.
2. You cannot figure out how a child that small can have more energy than a nuclear reactor.
3. Silence is no longer golden, it is suspicious!
4. You come up with a cute action, game or phrase to entertain your toddler and then you have to do it at least 3000 times more because stopping causes Armageddon.
5. You almost throw a party when your kid agrees to something, because "No!" is the default answer to all questions.
6. You can sing along to the theme tunes of children shows like Sophia the First and Bubble Guppies.
7. You find yourself with said theme tunes stuck in your head daily.
8. You try not to use any Tupperware containers because they have been converted into toys.
9. All of your belongings actually belong to your toddler. You are just the steward.
10. You automatically tell your toddler not to pull the cat's tail, even if said cat is a stuffed toy.
11. Your car contains more toys than Toys R Us.
12. Whenever your toddler finally takes a nap, you relax until the dog barks, which then causes you to storm out of the house and silence the dog in hushed yet frantic tones in case you yourself wake up your toddler again.
13. A kid crying immediately attracts your attention, even if the kid is not your own.
14. You have come to the realization that kids can fit anything in anywhere.
15. And you wouldn't trade any of the above for the world!

Show Me the Money....er....Movie!

Who doesn't enjoy curling up on the couch in front of the TV for a good DVD? You have the popcorn ready, the lighting set just so, drink in hand, everything is in readiness. And by the time you have gone through all the useless disclaimers and warnings and skipped through two million coming attractions and actually get to the main menu, half the popcorn is gone, your toddler has wandered off out of boredom and you have to get up to fetch another drink, this time possibly alcoholic.

Why do the companies that put together DVDs do this? Why do I need to sit through warnings about the illegality of pirating DVDs, or where the particular DVD can be watched (apparently oil rigs are a no-no), or FBI warnings, or warnings about global warming or Ebola or Justin Bieber's latest single? I just want to watch the movie that I have legally purchased, for crying out loud! I collect DVDs so that I will have the movie that I am interested in readily available to watch at any time. I don't need previews of coming attractions! It is just not relevant! Most of the time I attempt some serious button mashing in order to skip said attractions anyway.

Disney DVDs are the absolute worst! My two year old wants to watch a specific Disney movie or cartoon series. So I put the DVD in and get the Disney logo and some warnings about copyright and the dangers of sniffing glue, and then some really cheerful guy informs you that this DVD has been "enhanced" (Ha! Yeah right!) with Disney's Fastplay. What this means is that if you do not press a button at a certain time, your toddler will have to sit through at least 5 previews of Disney movies that came out when you were their age. By that time you have a full scale riot on your hands! Your kid is now convinced that you do not have its best interest at heart and is pelting you with Legos. If you do manage to skip the Fastplay option, you get to the main menu where you triumphantly press the Play Movie button. And then you have to endure more Lego bombardment as yet more warnings about copyright and prostitution appear on the screen. By the time the movie actually starts, your kid is extremely frustrated and you have more bruises than someone who kicked a lion. Not to mention the fact that you will be sneezing out pink Lego blocks for a week!

I can understand adverts for everything from insurance to new cars when you are sitting in the cinema, as this generates revenue. Coming attractions also make sense in this setup, and is actually one of my favourite parts of the movie experience. But when I am at home attempting to watch a DVD that I have purchased, then I am not interested in ads or coming attractions. For crying out loud, just SHOW ME THE MOVIE!