Adrenaline

This weekend my dad decided to treat myself and my two future brothers-in-law to the Airlink Adrenaline Show held at Wonderboom airport. It was a unique show featuring a blend of airplane stunts and car stunts, and it was all terribly exciting. They had everything from choppers flying sideways and even backwards to a jet car tearing down the runway at tremendous speed.

If walking around looking at various muscle cars, supercars and hotrods are more your thing, they had plenty of those as well. Every few minutes you would hear someone start up something with a massive engine and rev it much to the delight of spectators and passers-by. At some point we too decided to join the masses wandering aimlessly around and found ourselves at the supercar display. Unlike the muscle cars which were standing around with people thronged tightly around them, the supercars were cordoned off, to keep you from drooling on the paintwork. Now, my one future brother-in-law is slightly obsessed with Lamborghini. And when I say slightly obsessed, I mean that he would happily sell off a kidney, part of his digestive tract and even a lung in order to own one. I'm pretty sure that, when pressed, he would also throw in a testicle just to sweeten the deal. So the sight of a Lamborghini Huracan displayed in all its magnificent glory had him frothing at the mouth.

He declared that he was going to go find the organisers in order to get permission to have his photo taken next to it. After a brief absence he came back and declared that he had been given the go-ahead and promptly ducked under the rope before striking a heroic pose while leaning on the 6 million rand supercar for a photo. After snapping a picture of him reclining against a car that costs more than feeding most third world countries, he then had to scamper off when a gigantic bouncer appeared and approached my future brother-in-law with a look of deadly intent in his eyes. After a quick exit, I was left wondering if the organisers had in fact given permission or whether they had laughed off the request, at which point he decided to take matters, and his life, into his own hands. For the rest of the day I half expected the bouncer to jump out of the shadows, grab my future brother-in-law in a headlock and drag him away, leaving me to explain to my sister why she won't be getting married in a few months.

But all things considered, it was quite an eventful day. Pilots and drivers showed off their tremendous skill, man and machine working in perfect harmony. It was breathtaking! And the day lived up to its name, even though the biggest jolt of adrenaline was caused by being chased by a big man with evil intentions......

A Fishy Tale

A friend alerted me to a news story about a National Geographic cameraman that was unexpectedly swallowed by an Ocean Sunfish. For those who don't know, an Ocean Sunfish is something that resembles a whale that was hit by a cruise ship. It is massive but rather flat. Just to give you an idea....

Now the story goes that the unfortunate diver was filming pygmy sperm whales (because that is what one does in your spare time) when the massive sunfish swam up and swallowed him in one gulp before continuing on to wherever sunfish go for after-dinner drinks. The other divers could only watch as the massive fish swam peacefully away.

My friend and I had a long discussion about the digestive capabilities of the sunfish. Seeing as it swallowed the diver whole, what would happen once the diver's oxygen tank encountered the digestive tract? Would the fish explode in a massive cloud of blood, scales and half digested diver, or would it get a rather confused look on its face before rocketing away like a deflating balloon?

And what was going through the cameraman's head as he was swallowed up? Was he wondering if he packed a diving knife? Maybe he was pondering the rarity of being swallowed up by something that looks like a squashed whale? Or maybe he was thinking that he should have rather stayed in bed that morning. Thankfully the man in question can still be asked about the thoughts that flashed through his mind, as he is still very much alive and uneaten. It turns out the story was a hoax, but one that went viral. Ah, the joys of the internet!

For those who want to read the factual article about the diver's encounter with the sunfish, you can find it here.

The Inevitable Event

I think we've all been there; you get this strange tickle in your throat and you think nothing of it. Then it becomes a scratchy feeling and eventually you have to face the facts.....you have a cold. You try to carry on with life as normal, but you have about as much energy as a hibernating sloth, your head is filled with more goo than a Ghostbusters movie and your voice sounds like you are about to make someone an offer they can't refuse.....well, when you aren't coughing or sneezing on them.

Today I was sitting in a meeting with a supplier when my cold medicine rudely decided to wear off. My first indication was a slight tickling sensation in my nose, announcing the imminent arrival of something which would require a tissue or handkerchief to dispose of. None of which I had handy at the time. Now I am pretty sure we have all had to deal with this situation. And you probably tried dealing with it in the same way I did. You give a very subtle tentative sniff, just to see if you can persuade the approaching stream to head back in the other direction. When this fails you try with a bit more force, only to realise that this doesn't have the desired effect either. With the stream now about to make an appearance at the entrance to your left nostril, you give a mighty sniff which sounds like a Hoover sucking on a wet gym sock before giving up and excusing yourself from the meeting to go and blow your now dripping nose.

I am convinced that pharmaceutical companies have long ago discovered the cure for the common cold. It's been around for so long that, if they haven't found a cure, then clearly they are all napping instead of working. They probably make more money out of the various medicines that deal with the symptoms than they would actually curing the common cold. Either that or they find random attempts at vacuum cleaner impersonations during meetings extremely amusing......

Kids!

I recently read an article titled "Signs that You're the Parent of a Toddler". While reading this article I found that they mentioned some very profound truths, some of which I will share with you below:

1. You keep watching Paw Patrol long after your toddler has grown bored with the episode and has wandered off because you want to see if they rescue the baby turtles.
2. You cannot figure out how a child that small can have more energy than a nuclear reactor.
3. Silence is no longer golden, it is suspicious!
4. You come up with a cute action, game or phrase to entertain your toddler and then you have to do it at least 3000 times more because stopping causes Armageddon.
5. You almost throw a party when your kid agrees to something, because "No!" is the default answer to all questions.
6. You can sing along to the theme tunes of children shows like Sophia the First and Bubble Guppies.
7. You find yourself with said theme tunes stuck in your head daily.
8. You try not to use any Tupperware containers because they have been converted into toys.
9. All of your belongings actually belong to your toddler. You are just the steward.
10. You automatically tell your toddler not to pull the cat's tail, even if said cat is a stuffed toy.
11. Your car contains more toys than Toys R Us.
12. Whenever your toddler finally takes a nap, you relax until the dog barks, which then causes you to storm out of the house and silence the dog in hushed yet frantic tones in case you yourself wake up your toddler again.
13. A kid crying immediately attracts your attention, even if the kid is not your own.
14. You have come to the realization that kids can fit anything in anywhere.
15. And you wouldn't trade any of the above for the world!

Show Me the Money....er....Movie!

Who doesn't enjoy curling up on the couch in front of the TV for a good DVD? You have the popcorn ready, the lighting set just so, drink in hand, everything is in readiness. And by the time you have gone through all the useless disclaimers and warnings and skipped through two million coming attractions and actually get to the main menu, half the popcorn is gone, your toddler has wandered off out of boredom and you have to get up to fetch another drink, this time possibly alcoholic.

Why do the companies that put together DVDs do this? Why do I need to sit through warnings about the illegality of pirating DVDs, or where the particular DVD can be watched (apparently oil rigs are a no-no), or FBI warnings, or warnings about global warming or Ebola or Justin Bieber's latest single? I just want to watch the movie that I have legally purchased, for crying out loud! I collect DVDs so that I will have the movie that I am interested in readily available to watch at any time. I don't need previews of coming attractions! It is just not relevant! Most of the time I attempt some serious button mashing in order to skip said attractions anyway.

Disney DVDs are the absolute worst! My two year old wants to watch a specific Disney movie or cartoon series. So I put the DVD in and get the Disney logo and some warnings about copyright and the dangers of sniffing glue, and then some really cheerful guy informs you that this DVD has been "enhanced" (Ha! Yeah right!) with Disney's Fastplay. What this means is that if you do not press a button at a certain time, your toddler will have to sit through at least 5 previews of Disney movies that came out when you were their age. By that time you have a full scale riot on your hands! Your kid is now convinced that you do not have its best interest at heart and is pelting you with Legos. If you do manage to skip the Fastplay option, you get to the main menu where you triumphantly press the Play Movie button. And then you have to endure more Lego bombardment as yet more warnings about copyright and prostitution appear on the screen. By the time the movie actually starts, your kid is extremely frustrated and you have more bruises than someone who kicked a lion. Not to mention the fact that you will be sneezing out pink Lego blocks for a week!

I can understand adverts for everything from insurance to new cars when you are sitting in the cinema, as this generates revenue. Coming attractions also make sense in this setup, and is actually one of my favourite parts of the movie experience. But when I am at home attempting to watch a DVD that I have purchased, then I am not interested in ads or coming attractions. For crying out loud, just SHOW ME THE MOVIE!

Damn You Autocorrect!

Technology is a great help in today's day and age. It makes our lives so much simpler in all aspects. Except one.....autocorrect for text on your phone. All phones come with an autocorrect function these days. A handy helper to make your life easier. Except that its word suggestions are about as accurate as an Imperial Stormtrooper trying to hit the broad side of a barn. I think we have all experienced embarrassing and enraging moments while typing a message on our phones.

This morning a friend of mine typed an instant message in response to a picture that I sent her. She wanted to make a comment about arachnophobia. Instead, her phone turned it into aracmaphowbic. So either the phone was suggesting something in Ukrainian or it is completely intoxicated on something highly hallucinogenic! After we laughed about her phone's faux pas I recounted an instance where I was typing a message to another friend of mine. I typed the word "organise" and my phone turned it into "orgasm". How is that even remotely connected to the word that I intended to use?! And it would have in no way fit the sentence! I suspect the programmers responsible for creating the autocorrect function either suffer from a serious lack of sleep or a very sadistic sense of humour!

This new electronic blight on our society is so widespread that it has spawned a plethora of websites dedicated to this problem. My favourite is Damn You Autocorrect, hence the name of my post. Here people take screenshots of conversations which have gone spectacularly wrong because of the autocorrect function. If your phone is annoying you, or you have unexpected free time during your lunch hour, I suggest you browse around on the site and share in the frustration of others who have fallen victim to their phone's vindictiveness. Who knows, you may even be tempted to share some of your own horror stories....

Just Another Manic Monday

I recently had a very relaxing vacation in George, in the Western Cape. From the moment the plane touched down I could sense that I was somewhere where time moves at a different pace. People drive at a leisurely pace, even during the week. There is no rush to get anywhere. And everywhere you look there are beautiful green fields and majestic mountains. Not to mention the pristine beaches and gorgeous blue water. It truly is a wondrous place!

Then, on Saturday, I took my leave of the glorious city of George and flew back to Johannesburg. And immediately I could sense that I am back in the hustle and bustle of the big city. Taxis racing all over the place, people shouting and displaying various hand signals of dubious meaning, streets packed with cars. It made me want to get back on a plane to George instantly!

In Johannesburg and Pretoria, people drive a certain way - unpredictably. You never know if the guy in front of you will suddenly decide that he fancies chicken for lunch, or if he is in the mood to run over a pedestrian. He will just change lanes without any warning, usually at quite a high speed and with a complete and utter disregard for the traffic laws. In Gauteng people do know about the traffic laws, but have decided that it does not apply to them. No-one ever uses indicators, because it will give away their next move. You can't leave any gap between you and the car in front of you because it will instantly be filled with 4 taxis, 2 BMWs, an Audi and a Gautrain bus. And at every intersection you have someone trying to sell you coat hangers/newspapers/bumper stickers/license disc holders or other completely random objects. And the moment you show an interest in any one of these entrepreneurial geniuses they will all descend upon you like a swarm of bees.

It is no small wonder then that stress levels are much higher in the big cities. And it makes me long for the leisurely pace and stress free living along the coast. But when I really think about it, I will always miss the hustle and bustle of the big city. Is it because of the vibrant atmosphere, or the utter unpredictability? Maybe the colorful people and varied cultures? Or it may be that I am just utterly and completely mad. Who knows!