How's the Weather?

What could be easier? You go onto the internet, do a quick search for the weather for your area, and voila! Instant weather forecast! Even most smartphones have weather apps that will tell you what the weather will be like on an hourly basis. How extremely convenient! Too bad that it is always wrong! When you think of people who predict the weather, you think they have access to advanced satellites and weather stations globally that will give them accurate information. I think they just tell us this to put us at ease. Their extremely advanced equipment actually looks something like this.....

Either that or they pull weather conditions out of a large bowl every morning. To give you an example, a while back I checked the app on my phone and found that they were expecting a thunderstorm. In reality it was nothing but sunshine and a light breeze. So the next day they predicted another thunderstorm. Unfortunately for them it was another glorious sunny day. The next day they were so certain that they gave a warning of severe thunderstorms with heavy rainfall. Alas, nothing. The only drops that fell were from my neighbour's sprinkler. After that they gave up on the idea of a thunderstorm and predicted a sunny day with a light breeze. And immediately we had strong winds, dark clouds and thunder was booming.

I recently suggested to a colleague of mine that the guys who designed the weather app should add the words "I guess" in front of every forecast. That way it will be more realistic: "I guess there may be thunderstorms later." The reason I think they should do this is because it seems that guessing is all they do.....

Rock Out to......Gummy Bears?

I attended my very first music festival recently. Well, when I say attended, I actually mean I accompanied a friend who was supporting her brother, who was doing the sound for the event. We arrived rather late, because my friend had to finish working first. So we had to pay a rather large amount of money to enter, even though we weren't actually there for the event itself. And upon entering, we heard this....

A local singer blasting his way through the beloved Gummy Bears theme song. Now, while I really enjoy the cartoon series and its extremely catchy opening theme, I wasn't quite expecting to hear it at a music festival. More specifically, an Afrikaans music festival. But the crowd loved it! Hearing a large drunken gathering of people all singing along to Gummy Bears at the top of their voices was quite an experience! After the singer finished his set, the live portion of the show was over and a local DJ started entertaining the crowd. At this point two bottles of alcohol was offered to the person who could dance the best on-stage. This prompted a massive response from the crowd and the dancers were cheered on enthusiastically. The winner was a girl who stopped just short of actually taking her clothes off, which goes to show, people will do just about anything to win!

Thereafter I sat and watched the crowd, who had by now imbibed in rather large amounts of alcohol. People were drunkenly dancing, or swaying across the terrain. I couldn't be sure if they were swaying to the music or just trying not to topple over. I also saw people drunkenly making out as if the world was ending in 10 minutes, and a few people of....er.....robust weight dancing around. I saw things jiggle that I am pretty sure are not supposed to jiggle!

All-in-all it was a rather unique experience. And even though I was quite baffled by the choice of songs and some of the goings-on, I do believe I shall attend a few more music festivals. Who knows, next time I might even sing along.....

The Black Plague

Normally the title of this post would call up images of the most devastating pandemic in human history. One that killed an estimated 200 million people in the years 1346 to 1353. While tragic, it is not that specific black plague that I am referring to. No, I am referring to this one....

I am currently struggling with an ant infestation. It seems that there are ants everywhere! And I have tried a variety of methods of ridding myself of them. Ant Traps, which are containers carrying a poisonous fluid that ants can take into their nest, killing it from the inside. They were interested in it for about two weeks, and then started ignoring it after it gave them heartburn. It didn't seem to do anything other than annoy them! Aerosol poisons like Doom and Raid managed to kill a few of them, but because of the sheer volume of ants in my dwelling place it was like throwing water balloons at an elephant. Very ineffective! "Try cinnamon. Ants don't like cinnamon," someone suggested. Apart from making my place smell like a pancake factory, it didn't do much to deter them. Baby powder was another suggestion, but it too was ineffective.

I realise that ants have a very important role to play in the Circle of Life. ("Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba!"....okay, I'll stop now) For those who have no idea what just happened, click here. I realise that they are an intricate part of nature. In certain African countries army ants are used as surgical sutures. Here in South Africa ants are used to harvest Rooibos seeds. Weaver ants in China are used to control pests that threaten crops. So they definitely have their uses. Just not in my house. It seems that I can't escape them! While I'm taking a bath they will all line up along the side of the bathtub and stare at me. I too find the human body fascinating and beautiful but the way they watch me with their beady little black eyes is unnerving! Are they admiring me? Are they trying to share thoughts and insights? Are they trying to eat me? Who knows! Once, I tried to ignore their constant staring and continue with my bathing, not noticing that one had taken a dive into my bathwater. But I noticed it rather quickly when it clamped onto my genitals and refused to let go! I had to completely maim it in order to free my pained man-bits from its vice-like grip!

It is estimated that there are around 1 million ants for every human being on the planet. They occur on every single landmass except Antarctica. And they can adapt to changing environments like no other species on Earth. So it seems highly unlikely that I will get them to stop staring at me during bath-time! When faced with such overwhelming odds there is but one thing you can do.....

When the Bough Breaks

Amber Whittington-Jones is dying. She starts looking back on her life and writes a series of letters to her husband and teenage son, trying to explain her actions and begging for their forgiveness. Late one night, after falling and knocking herself unconscious, she slips into a coma from which she will never awaken, but all is not what it seems....

When the Bough Breaks is the first work of fiction from South African author, actress, singer and DJ Casey B Dolan. After the success of her autobiography, An Appetite for Peas, which I reviewed here, she once again awed us with another written masterpiece. It is a hard-hitting tale of love, deceit, lust and passion that will leave you begging for more. The story is told in a very unique way, through letters written by the lead character to her loved ones and it is gripping from beginning to end. I was simply amazed by the vast array of emotions that I experienced while reading this novel. I truly believe that Ms Dolan is firmly planting herself in the upper echelons of great authors which include Wilbur Smith and Michael Crichton. It is said that if reading a book leaves you utterly breathless and exhausted, you have read a great book. And When the Bough Breaks falls squarely into that category. Ms Dolan, your audience breathlessly awaits your next masterpiece!

Sense? This Makes None!

I am a big fan of video games. To play a video game is to be transported to another world, one where you can slay dragons or fight armies. You can immerse yourself in a world of fantasy and escape from your daily routine for a while. Certain games are also breathtaking to look at. One of my favourites is Skyrim, the fifth game in The Elder Scrolls series. Just look at this view!

Who wouldn't want to take a stroll through that?! But something that is bugging me, and has bugged me for a while, is the in-game logic when it comes to healing your character. In games like Call of Duty or Half-Life you get healed by med stations or by picking up med-kits. This makes sense to me, but in games like the original side-scrolling Duke Nukem, the Wolfenstein series and in Skyrim, you eat something to heal your character. How does that make sense? Where in the real world, after you are stabbed or shot, do you quickly drive to the nearest KFC, munch on a Boxmaster and you are fine again?! How did the video game creators come up with this plan? I do realise that video games are fantasy, but in games like Wolfenstein and Skyrim you do actually have alternative ways of healing your character, so why not stick to that?

Speaking of Skyrim, you can actually carry a bewildering amount of food with you, enough to feed yourself and all of the bandits/mages/thieves that are attacking you. But just imagine that scene; you are in the middle of an epic fight for your life when you realise your health is running low, so you loudly yell "WAIT!" and all combat stops. Your opponents look at you in puzzlement while you open your knapsack and start munching your way through its contents. Eating food to heal yourself in Skyrim is a slow process, as food only heals you slightly, so you have to consume quite a large amount in order for it to make any difference. So all of your attackers are standing around awkwardly while you engage in a mid-combat picnic.

Now, I don't know about you, but after eating a large meal (usually around Christmas time) I don't feel like moving, much less getting up and fighting a rampaging barbarian horde! So that also doesn't make sense! And the vast array of food you can carry with you is mind-boggling! Most of the meals you carry with you are cooked in-game from ingredients that you purchase or gather in the wild. Everything from apple pie to stews and soups! And you have to cook/bake it yourself! Half the time you don't know whether you are playing Skyrim or participating in some weird virtual episode of MasterChef! Technically your character should end up looking something like this....

One of the most famous lines uttered by a random guard (which spawned a massive amount of internet memes) is "I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow in the knee." I firmly believe this should be changed to "I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I ate too much and now I have to watch my cholesterol."

Open Wide....Now Tell Me Your Life's Story

On Thursday last week I went for a follow-up appointment with my doctor. For those who missed my post about my first awkward visit to my doctor, that post can be found here. Once again he enquired about my well-being before taking me to an examination room and ordering me to drop my pants. It was no less awkward having another man fondle my genitals than the previous time, but at least this time he decided a sonar wasn't required so I wasn't exposed to the discomfort of having my man-bits lubed up again. And, as before, he looked me dead in the eye while handling my family jewels to see if there was any discomfort. I am just extremely grateful that he did not resort to small talk while fondling me! But that got me thinking. On my last visit to the dentist it was quite a different story. For some reason a dentist firmly believes in engaging in some light conversation while busy in your mouth. I normally wouldn't mind this, as I can grunt in agreement if the topic calls for it. But it gets quite weird when he asks you a question. And then looks at you expectantly while you decide how to answer someone who has various pieces of dental equipment, both hands and a little suction pipe for excess saliva in your mouth!

This has often baffled me! How does he want me to answer? Telepathically? Using hand signals? Do I need to wag my tongue in Morse code? Another time the dentist required me to swallow, also while I had a myriad of metal implements and gloved human fingers in my mouth. Now I am one of those people who can't swallow with my mouth open. Trying to communicate this to my dentist was pointless, as he couldn't understand what I was grunting. He just kept telling me to swallow, so I did, biting him in the process. Needless to say he was quite upset about that! After extracting his bruised fingers and various bits of steel, he angrily demanded an explanation. After I explained the situation he carried on working, but conversation was dialled down to a minimum lest I try to answer him and he loses a finger.

After my experience with the chatty dentist and my thankfully silent (but still awkward) experience with my urologist, I have developed a deep sympathy for all women out there who have to deal with extremely talkative gynaecologists. I can just imagine the awkwardness of having to chat to him/her about your weekend or career while having your lady-bits touched and probed. Ladies, I finally understand your pain!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot!

We've all done it. You say something that sounds completely fine in your head but as soon as it is out and you start noticing the stares, you realise you may have just said something completely weird. The popular term for this is Foot-In-Mouth-Syndrome and I thought I would have a look at a few examples found on the internet.

• A woman walked into a store specialising in golf equipment and asked a salesman if she could see his balls. After everyone burst out laughing she realised what she had said and walked out again without saying a word.
• "When I was in high school, I worked as a cashier at a local grocery store. One weekend, at the very end of a ten-hour shift, I was utterly exhausted and partially brain dead. A woman came through buying diapers and baby formula, and as we chatted she confided in me that she had a newborn at home. I, in my brain-dead state, took one look at her still-heavy-with-baby-weight frame and popped off with, "Oh, and another one on the way!" Unfortunately it didn't click until AFTER the words were out of my mouth. I spent the rest of the weekend praying I would never see her again."
•  "Several years ago I used to work alongside my best friend, cooking in a small diner. One day I spotted a pair of rather unattractive older women coming into the restaurant and, finding their appearance amusing I quipped, "Oh look! Fat old ladies in baseball caps!" My friend never said a word, and it wasn't until he went out to speak to the women that I realized I had seen them before. They were my friend's mother and sister."
•  Barista: “Here’s your change… have a nice day.”
  Customer: “You know, you haven’t smiled once.”
  Barista: “Sorry.”
  Customer: “I’m so sick of the attitude of people in the service industry! Is it so hard to give your customers a smile as you’re pouring water through beans? You all are so arrogant, it makes me sick!”
  Barista: *eyes begin to well up*
  Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling?!”
  Barista: “…because my father died last night.”
  (At this point, you could hear a pin drop. The customer was literally glared out of the shop, forgetting her coffee.)
• "I remember, when working as a clerk in a library, telling a young Indian girl she should work hard during the summer and, "get up early to milk the cows." She looked at me and said "We don't eat cows." Then she left, making me feel like a moron."
• "My little brother and I, 6 and 11 at the time, were at the park with my mom walking through some heavily wooded trails. We must have been pretending we were in a jungle or something and my brother and I ran ahead on the trail out of sight from my mom. We came across a very obese couple walking in the other direction and we both smiled at them. At the same moment my mom who is still out of sight yells "Look Out For The Elephants!!" My brother and I froze in shock as they passed up and then turned to watch as my mom came around the corner and the smile on her face turned into a look of horror. Just as she passed them she says very ackwardly "And the giraffes and bears too..."
• "I'm scoring at my son's school cricket match. As is the convention, the other school has a Dad who is also scoring, so that we can both keep the score books in agreement. Turns out he went to the same high school as me, which is odd, because it is not either of the schools that our sons are going to. So we start reminiscing about old teachers, blah blah blah. Before long, we're getting on famously. Later on, while his son's team are batting (and so most of their team is off the field) some young 14 year old girl with too short a skirt and too much make-up comes up to them and behaves in a manner that is far too familiar to be proper. I figure she is a sports groupie hoping to get lucky with a trophy jock. So I say to my new found scoring mate, "Gee, someone's going to go to jail for that little tart." He says "What? My daughter?" An instant hideous painful death would have been a blessing. Because we were stuck with each other's frosty company for the next several hours."

And I decided to end off this post with a story of my own. A video store that I used to frequent upgraded from a card system to a biometric system that reads your finger prints and brings up your account. So the one day I had decided to rent some DVDs and was waiting at the counter for the (female) assistant to tell me when to place my finger on the biometric reader. Unthinkingly I told her "Let me know when you want my finger." She turned beet-red and all of the people in line behind me burst out laughing. And with that comment I officially joined the Foot-in-Mouth Club!