The Horror!

So, it's late at night, and my wife has gone off to bed. I decide to watch TV for a while longer (I know what you're thinking, that's not what I watched) before going to bed as well. Now, I usually check all the doors and gates before heading to dreamland, and I notice something slithering into the bathroom. I peek into the bathroom and there, on the floor, being harassed by our tabby cat, is a snake. At this point the snake, which had been kidnapped, dragged inside the house and then harassed by the cat, was understandably less than pleased. I don't personally really care what kind of snake it was, all I knew was that it was a snake. Now, I'll be the first to admit that when faced with snakes and ginormous spiders, I turn into a 5 year old girl. It doesn't matter that I am 6 feet tall and weigh 112Kg, I saw the snake and immediately had to resist the urge to have a spontaneous bowel movement. So I did what any self-respecting husband would do: I woke up my wife. I should note that this is a VERY dangerous course of action! You don't just wake up a sleeping woman. Not unless you offer chocolate or romantic intentions in return. The news of a snake in the bathroom did not really impress her. After listening to her for a while, during which time she shared many words of wisdom, most of which can not be repeated here, I was told to go deal with it myself. Armed with her sage counsel I then headed back into the bathroom, after first stopping by the kitchen for a deep breath and the dustpan. After much hissing and whimpering (the snake doing the hissing and me doing the whimpering) I managed to maneuver the snake into the bathtub. At this point I would have been more than happy to leave the snake there to think about what it had done. (I didn't care that the snake wasn't there by choice, the point was that it was in my house, and thus had to go to the naughty corner). Unfortunately I am burdened with a conscience which silently informed me that to leave the snake in the bathtub and then go to sleep would not be the right thing to do. Besides, the cat might jump into the bath, annoy the snake some more and then release it back onto the bathroom floor, a prospect that I found unnerving. So I grabbed an (empty and washed) ice cream container and after much swearing from me and angry hisses from the snake managed to get it into the container. I decided to go set it free, and was promptly followed by all three our cats, who were very interested in this softly hissing container that I was carrying. I decided then to do what any kind, caring and generous person would do, and dropped the snake into my neighbor's yard. (He had recently spent thousands on landscaping, so instead of Death by Cat, the snake would be in a virtual paradise!) After having triumphantly disposed of my slithering nemesis, I locked up everything and went to bed, feeling quite pleased with myself. That feeling only lasted until the next morning, when my wife and I had a long, and rather one-sided conversation about waking up a sleeping woman in the middle of the night for something so trivial. Oh well, can't win 'em all.