Fitness Fanatics

During the week a friend and I met up for a visit. At some point during the conversation the topic of fitness came up. We decided to order another round of beers and discuss it. We all know that we have to stay healthy and keep fit. And there are a myriad of ways to do so. One of the options that I am looking into is to take up cycling. I just refuse to wear modern cycling apparel which makes you look like a cross between a power ranger and a comic book villain. Another option is to get a gym membership. And this may be the most daunting option of all!

Upon entering most gyms you are faced with a bewildering array of equipment. (Or torture devices, depending on your mind set.) Most of the time you will be wearing an expression that is a mix of fear and cluelessness. This is usually when one of the personal trainers will stomp on over to see if they can be of any assistance. These guys normally look like they regularly bench press locomotives, just for fun. So now you are faced with a mountain of a man with more muscles than a small country, usually towering over you and so filled with testosterone that you can feel your body hair growing just standing next to him. Outwardly you put on a brave face but inwardly you want to turn and run away just in case he decides to eat you.

In April I decided to venture into a small gym located in a shopping centre to see if it was any better. Imagine my surprise when the gym was almost smaller than my flat and had no equipment in it at all. Seeing my bewilderment, a ridiculously good looking buxom blonde bounced over to me and explained that this gym utilised electrical muscle stimulation. So, in essence, they stick little electrical pads to various locations on your body which generate small electrical impulses which cause your muscles to contract. They couple this with an exercise routine so that you get double the exercise you normally would. In theory it sounds quite plausible. In reality that means that I am going to already be trying not to poop myself while going through the normal exercise routine, and now they are going to be inducing small electric shocks as well. It sounds like a recipe for utter disaster for someone as unfit as I am!

I recently discovered a mockumentary that sheds some amusing light on what really happens in most gyms. Be warned, there is some strong language involved:

The Common Cold

Yes, it is that time of the year again. The time of the year where temperatures plummet faster than political promises. And while we have not experienced any truly arctic temperatures this year, it has been enough for some crafty airborne viruses to do the rounds. There has been a resurgence in swine flu and a wide variety of other exotic and unwanted illnesses associated with winter. I was lucky to have escaped most of it until this past weekend. I woke up on Sunday morning feeling fine but then had a bit of a scratch in my throat by midday. By the time evening swung around my throat felt like I had gargled with molten glass and my voice sounded like that of a serial killer in a horror film bent on threatening teenage girls over the phone.

Yes, someone had graciously (and unwantedly) shared their cold with me. Unfortunately I do not know who this generous individual is, otherwise I would have graced them with a glare colder than our temperatures. Sleep was completely out on Sunday evening. I could barely swallow because of the rawness of my throat, and every time I fell asleep my now blocked nose would cause me to wake myself with the horrendous sound of my own snoring. And not the normal run-of-the-mill blocked nose snoring. No! I am pretty sure I sounded like a misfiring farm tractor on a cold morning. The neighbours probably thought that I was working on a diesel engine through most of the night.

The rest of the week brought a nose that ran more than I do. Any sudden head movement would cause my nose to unleash a rather unwanted torrent. Then, especially when I am nowhere near a convenient bathroom, I would have to give a mighty sniff, one that makes me sound like a pool cleaner sucking on an especially large leaf. With the tide momentarily stifled I would have to seek out a bathroom where I could temporarily relieve the pressure in my nasal cavities, only for it to start again 10 minutes later.

Around the second day I also developed a cough. One that made me sound like I had the black plague, or at least an interesting and disgusting variation of it. Conversations would have to be halted because I would cough like a dying Buick and then have to run to the bathroom to get rid of the offending stream of mucus that would follow. The cough would also interfere with my sleep, but thankfully I procured some medication that would suppress it until the following morning, when the whole coughing/sneezing/sniffing/dying thing would start all over again.

Thankfully I am on the mend and my trips to the bathroom to blow my nose have lessened considerably. My coughing is also not so bad anymore. I can actually have a conversation without sounding like I am about to keel over mid-sentence. I think I have mentioned this in a previous blog post, but I suspect the cure for the common cold has been discovered ages ago. The pharmaceutical companies just don't want to release it because they are making way too much money out of our misery. I think we should, when we develop a cold, walk into one of their laboratories and go sneeze/cough/drip on them, and see how they like it. The cure will be released pretty soon after that....

Pain in the....um....Eye

For a few months now, I have experienced a scratching sensation in my right eye. Some days it would be barely noticeable, other days it would feel like I am constantly being poked in the eye with a splintery stick. On those days even light would cause my eye to ache so much that it would constantly water and turn an alarming shade of red. To other people it would look like I am half grieving over some devastating personal loss (the other eye being completely oblivious and thus not watering at all). Shortly after it started I went to the optometrist and was told to not wear my contact lenses as it sounded like an infection, and that it would clear up by itself in a few weeks.

Alas, it did not, and after two months of not wearing contact lenses the pain and irritation still persisted. So I returned to the optometrist, who decided to run a few more in-depth tests. She looked deeply into my eyes (with a big machine, not romantic in the least) and declared that she could not see anything out of the ordinary. Thereafter she turned my eyelid inside out, which was just as uncomfortable as it sounds, and declared that she had found the infection, as my inner eyelid was inflamed and red. As she could not determine what kind of infection it was with her equipment, I was referred to an eye specialist. Unfortunately I could not get an immediate appointment with him because he was fully booked for two weeks.

But, finally, the day of my appointment arrived and I was shown into the eye specialist's office. They did an eye test wherein they found that, unsurprisingly, I could not see very clearly with my irritated eye. I could have saved them some effort there! Next, the eye specialist used a much more powerful machine to look deep into my eye and declared that there was a microscopic piece of plastic lodged in the single celled layer covering my cornea. It had been there for so long that it had been covered by that single layer, and that was the cause of the immense irritation. He put some sedative in my eye and told me to hold still, as he was going to use a needle to try and pry it loose. Never in my life had I focused on a spot on the wall more than in that moment. I had visions of me flinching and him having to book me into hospital to remove the now lodged needle from my eye.

Thankfully that didn't happen, but unfortunately the needle had no success. So he took another little device and, after applying some more sedative, started it up. It sounded like a dentist's drill and he told me to keep still again. It was only after this device had successfully removed the piece of plastic that he informed me that it was in fact a small drill, and that he had drilled through the single celled layer in order to get to the offending piece of detritus. A contact lens was fitted which would protect my eye and I was given a prescription for antibiotics that I had to apply every 4 hours. Then I was sent home with instructions to have some pain medication on hand. That confused me as, apart from a lot of blurriness, my eye didn't hurt. Unfortunately a short time later the sedative wore off and it felt like someone had scraped sandpaper over my eye. The pain was immense! I sat in the dark, almost vampirically afraid of light sources, for two days. Then it was time for my follow up appointment, during which the contact lens was removed and I was told my eye is healing beautifully.

Now, two weeks later, the pain is gone and, apart from a slight blurriness, my vision has returned. I am still using eye drops every four hours, which is rather annoying, but at least I can get on with my daily routine without looking like I have just returned from a funeral. All-in-all this was a very unpleasant experience, but I thank the Lord that all is well! And with that, I will be "seeing" you soon......

Holding Out for a Hero

Right, now that you have Bonnie Tyler's massive blond mane and raspy voice singing through your head, we can continue. It has been said that a dad is his daughter's hero. He can do anything, fix anything, be anything. He is stronger than Superman, faster than the Flash and can handle more repair jobs than Bob the Builder. His mighty arms provide comfort and in his presence nothing can go wrong. And as a dad, that is a lot of pressure!

My little one clearly has a lot of faith in my fatherly abilities. One night, while outside and gazing at the full moon (which she has always adored) she asked me to hold her up high so that she could touch it. I had to explain rather quickly that it is quite far away, and that she wouldn't be able to reach. Another time she brought me a rubber toy that had been treated rather differently than the designer had anticipated and was thus mangled and broken. With her big beautiful brown eyes sparkling with daughterly trust she asked me to repair it. I should explain that it had started off its life as a rubber lizard, but now resembled a thoroughly masticated jelly baby. I had to tell her that, unfortunately, said rubber lizard was beyond even my ability to repair.

There are many other examples of her tremendous trust in my supernatural abilities:

• She once asked me to make a helium balloon float again.
• Another time she asked me to pick up her boerboel and throw him on the house's roof so that he could chase and scare off birds that were annoying her.
• On another occasion, while preparing to make dinner, she declared that because I had handled the food it had magically been made edible and wanted some immediately.
• I have to occasionally do animal impressions for her as a game, the most interesting request was to pretend to be a zebra (with all the appropriate sound effects)
• She recently went on her first major airline flight and enjoyed it so much that she constantly requests to do it again. Once, when I answered that it was too expensive to do it regularly, she told me to simply build a Boeing so that we would have one of our own.

I suspect that dads everywhere can identify with the adoration that our little ones shower upon us. But I also suspect they can identify with the weird requests that our kids can come up with, because let's face it, in their innocent eyes we are all heroes.

Innocence Lost

So my little one is a big fan of animated movies. And let's face it, Disney and Pixar can crank out some really awesome ones. But of course, having a pre-schooler does mean that you have to watch the same animated movie at least 17 592 times before they get bored of it. Which usually lasts about two weeks and then they want to watch it again, just to make sure. So the other night, while watching The Lion King for the 739th time, I started noticing some rather adult references, something that would, thankfully, pass the little one by. So I thought I'd scour the internet and see if what I glimpsed was true. And I found a lot more than I bargained for! It appears that animated filmmakers like to sneak in some very adult humour in an attempt to amuse the more mature watcher:

Cars

This Pixar film about a world with living cars looks like a lot of fun, until you have a look at some of the characters depicted. I draw your attention to a rather inappropriate van in the picture above.

At some point during the movie, two of Lightning McQueen's female fans flash their headlights at him. I don't think I have to explain that reference.

Monsters Inc

Monsters Inc is another award winning Pixar film. The story revolves around monsters that scare children in order to power their city using the sound of the children's screams. In a heartwarming turn of events, they realise that children's laughter has much more power. In the scene above though, it might be the adults laughing. Have a look at the drawing to the left of the door.

Ratatouille

There are lots of funny moments in this movie that would slip past a younger audience. One such moment is where Linguini tries to reveal the truth about his cooking ability to his love interest, Colette. When he starts the sentence with "I have this tiny..." she briefly looks down to his trousers with concern.

The main villain in the film, food critic Anton Ego, also makes a rather adult reference when discussing how he rates food. He blatantly states "If I don't love it, I don't swallow."

Mulan

In the Disney animated film about the great Chinese female general Mulan, the Fa family guardian Mushu, portrayed by Eddie Murphy, explains his tremendous powers to Mulan. His abilities include being able to see right through Mulan's armour, causing her to try and cover up.

 

The Lion King

Now for the film that made me take notice of the rather R-rated moments in children's films. At some point Simba and Nala frolic together after meeting up again after years apart. At some stage during their playful session, Nala licks Simba on the cheek and then lays back and gives him a look that, thankfully, only adults will understand.

During the catchy musical number "I Just Can't Wait to be King" Zazu, portrayed brilliantly by Rowan Atkinson chases after Simba who is riding an ostrich. He flies through some trees and over some very, um, suggestively shaped hills.

These were just a few of the more mature moments in animated films. There are literally hundreds of others that I haven't mentioned. Clearly, when it is time for the little one to learn about the birds and the bees, no explanation is necessary. Just throw on a Disney and relax.....

 





Joyride

I'm not referring to the extremely catchy Roxette song from the early 90's. No, I am talking about the things that we do to amuse ourselves in our cars. Let's face it, as adults we spend quite a large part of our day driving around. And sometimes during our automotive wanderings, we get stuck in traffic. Now, when stuck in traffic, you have a wide variety of options. You can sit and steam, frustrated at the lack of movement, until all the windows in your car are fogged up. You can open your windows (weather permitting), turn up the radio and share your early 90's music with the rest of the traffic. Or you can get creative. One particularly balmy day I was stuck on a highway with traffic moving slower than a sloth on marijuana when I spotted a female driver in the car next to me calmly blowing soap bubbles. I had to look away for a moment and then look back to ensure that I was not suffering some heat induced delusion, but no, she was actually blowing soap bubbles. And it was actually cheering up everyone in the cars around her.

I've spotted some strange things in traffic, from people applying eye and lip makeup to someone actually pulling faces at themselves in the rear view mirror. One particular day during the morning rush hour (which never actually seems to rush anywhere) I spotted a young lady dancing to some tunes behind the steering wheel. The man in the car behind her opened his sunroof, got her attention by flashing his lights and proceeded to stand up on his seat and dance along with her. This amused other motorists greatly thereby improving everyone's mood.

On another day that started off quite chilly but warmed up very quickly I was also (unsurprisingly) stuck in traffic. The car next to me had two young ladies in it and the one in the passenger seat decided that it was getting a bit warm. So she proceeded to take her jersey off. Unfortunately for her, she had grabbed her shirt as well and only realised it when both shirt and jersey were already above her head, thus displaying the fact that she had decided to forgo underwear that morning to everyone in the surrounding cars. She realised her mistake very quickly and managed to cover up, but not before markedly improving the mood of all the males in the cars around her. It just goes to show, you never know what you'll see if you are vigilant enough......

Google It!

A friend and I were discussing Google earlier. It has become an indispensable tool and let's face it, most of us would struggle without its ability to provide us with information within seconds. But you do get the select few who are struggling with questions that the rest of us would not normally think of. Just to get an idea I Googled (obviously) the most random questions ever revealed by Google's search suggestions. I was not disappointed!

What was typed: why does my husband....
Best search suggestion: why does my husband wear panties

What was typed: what....
Best search suggestion: what are these strawberries doing on my nipples I need them for fruit salad

What was typed: what would a....
Best search suggestion: what would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way

What was typed: I like to ta....
Best search suggestion: I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur

What was typed: sometimes when I'm....
Best search suggestion: sometimes when I'm alone I use comic sans

What was typed: I am....
Best search suggestion: I am extremely terrified of Chinese people

What was typed: why....
Best search suggestion: why can't I own a Canadian

What was typed: I did th....
Best search suggestion: I did the Macarena in an elevator with a homeless guy because big bird said to and he's my leader

What was typed: what would happen....
Best search suggestion: what would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other

Clearly you get some rather unusual people out there! Strange searches on Google actually prompted a comedy channel called College Humor to bring out a 5 part series called "If Google was a Guy". While extremely funny it does highlight some of the weirder aspects of internet searches.

If Google was a Guy - Part 1

 

If Google was a Guy - Part 2

 

If Google was a Guy - Part 3

 

If Google was a Guy - Part 4

If Google was a Guy - Part 5