Open Mouth, Insert Foot!

We've all done it. You say something that sounds completely fine in your head but as soon as it is out and you start noticing the stares, you realise you may have just said something completely weird. The popular term for this is Foot-In-Mouth-Syndrome and I thought I would have a look at a few examples found on the internet.

• A woman walked into a store specialising in golf equipment and asked a salesman if she could see his balls. After everyone burst out laughing she realised what she had said and walked out again without saying a word.
• "When I was in high school, I worked as a cashier at a local grocery store. One weekend, at the very end of a ten-hour shift, I was utterly exhausted and partially brain dead. A woman came through buying diapers and baby formula, and as we chatted she confided in me that she had a newborn at home. I, in my brain-dead state, took one look at her still-heavy-with-baby-weight frame and popped off with, "Oh, and another one on the way!" Unfortunately it didn't click until AFTER the words were out of my mouth. I spent the rest of the weekend praying I would never see her again."
•  "Several years ago I used to work alongside my best friend, cooking in a small diner. One day I spotted a pair of rather unattractive older women coming into the restaurant and, finding their appearance amusing I quipped, "Oh look! Fat old ladies in baseball caps!" My friend never said a word, and it wasn't until he went out to speak to the women that I realized I had seen them before. They were my friend's mother and sister."
•  Barista: “Here’s your change… have a nice day.”
  Customer: “You know, you haven’t smiled once.”
  Barista: “Sorry.”
  Customer: “I’m so sick of the attitude of people in the service industry! Is it so hard to give your customers a smile as you’re pouring water through beans? You all are so arrogant, it makes me sick!”
  Barista: *eyes begin to well up*
  Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling?!”
  Barista: “…because my father died last night.”
  (At this point, you could hear a pin drop. The customer was literally glared out of the shop, forgetting her coffee.)
• "I remember, when working as a clerk in a library, telling a young Indian girl she should work hard during the summer and, "get up early to milk the cows." She looked at me and said "We don't eat cows." Then she left, making me feel like a moron."
• "My little brother and I, 6 and 11 at the time, were at the park with my mom walking through some heavily wooded trails. We must have been pretending we were in a jungle or something and my brother and I ran ahead on the trail out of sight from my mom. We came across a very obese couple walking in the other direction and we both smiled at them. At the same moment my mom who is still out of sight yells "Look Out For The Elephants!!" My brother and I froze in shock as they passed up and then turned to watch as my mom came around the corner and the smile on her face turned into a look of horror. Just as she passed them she says very ackwardly "And the giraffes and bears too..."
• "I'm scoring at my son's school cricket match. As is the convention, the other school has a Dad who is also scoring, so that we can both keep the score books in agreement. Turns out he went to the same high school as me, which is odd, because it is not either of the schools that our sons are going to. So we start reminiscing about old teachers, blah blah blah. Before long, we're getting on famously. Later on, while his son's team are batting (and so most of their team is off the field) some young 14 year old girl with too short a skirt and too much make-up comes up to them and behaves in a manner that is far too familiar to be proper. I figure she is a sports groupie hoping to get lucky with a trophy jock. So I say to my new found scoring mate, "Gee, someone's going to go to jail for that little tart." He says "What? My daughter?" An instant hideous painful death would have been a blessing. Because we were stuck with each other's frosty company for the next several hours."

And I decided to end off this post with a story of my own. A video store that I used to frequent upgraded from a card system to a biometric system that reads your finger prints and brings up your account. So the one day I had decided to rent some DVDs and was waiting at the counter for the (female) assistant to tell me when to place my finger on the biometric reader. Unthinkingly I told her "Let me know when you want my finger." She turned beet-red and all of the people in line behind me burst out laughing. And with that comment I officially joined the Foot-in-Mouth Club!

An Appetite for Peas

I recently read An Appetite for Peas by Casey B Dolan. While the title makes this book sound like some strange manual on the joys of vegetarianism, I assure you it is not! It is her autobiography, and before you give a groan of despair, it is actually very good! Normally when it comes to autobiographies I tend to avoid them like a cat avoids a bubble bath, generally because the authors fall into one of three categories:

• The "I am so important/popular/interesting/all of the above that you simply must read my story" category
• The "My life was terrible and I feel extremely sorry for myself" category
• The "I believe I am interesting but I have no measurable writing talent whatsoever" category

I am extremely pleased to say that An Appetite for Peas does not fall into any of those three categories!

It is a no-holds-barred look at one of South Africa's most quirky individuals. You could say that Casey B Dolan has done it all: author, acclaimed actress, stuntwoman, 5FM DJ, FHM cover girl, there are too many things to mention! This book takes an in-depth look at her rise to stardom, and the difficulties that she faced along the way. You will be taken on an emotional roller coaster ride (just without the throwing up and screaming) that will leave you breathless. I recently mentioned to Casey that she should have added a disclaimer to the cover; "Warning: Reading this book will lead to sleep deprivation". Once I started reading it I could not put it down! I kept thinking to myself "Just one more chapter!" until the wee hours of the morning. It was absolutely captivating! Written with a liberal blend of Casey's trademark wit and brutal honesty, it will keep you riveted! "But what about the peas?" you ask. Well, as it says on the back of the book, if you want to know about the peas you should just go ahead and read it!

Heading for the Hills

I recently decided to take a break and head for the picturesque vacation town of Clarens for a long weekend. A friend went with me and we hit the road at 16:00 the Friday afternoon. It's about a 3 to 3 and a half hour drive there, so plenty of time to get there to collect the keys for the townhouse in which we would be staying. We had to collect the keys at a local restaurant before 10, when the restaurant closes. Not a problem, plenty of time. What could possibly go wrong?

All was going well until we hit Johannesburg, where we got stuck in heavy afternoon traffic. And seeing as it was a long weekend, something that inspires people everywhere to get in their cars and go somewhere scenic, there was more traffic than usual. In fact, it took us two hours just to get through Johannesburg. After that the road quietened down slightly (but only slightly) and we could get moving again. At about 19:00, still nowhere near our destination, we decided to pull over at a petrol station for some dinner. Sounds simple enough. But no, the cars were queuing at the rate of 4 cars per pump for petrol, and the parking lot was completely full. So I did what any self-respecting BMW owner would do, and parked illegally. Thankfully I parked in a parking space reserved for a shop that was closed, so no-one minded. And oddly enough, as soon as I did, so did everyone else, who were apparently just waiting for that first brave soul to take the risk. Inside the petrol station it was absolute chaos! People were queuing out the door to buy snacks, so we decided to sit down at the restaurant (which was oddly empty) rather than risk dying from boredom in a queue. And once again, the moment we sat down, everyone else thought "What a good idea!" and soon the tables were full. After a thankfully quick meal we hit the road again and made some good time. We turned off at a small town called Warden which (at night) sort of resembled any run-down ghost town filled with zombies, gangsters and the occasional ghost. In short, not a place to linger if you wanted to stay in possession of your car and/or wallet. After getting slightly lost we managed to find the right road and were soon zooming along. At Bethlehem (no, not that one, the one in the Free State) we filled up our car with petrol and arrived at our destination about 25 minutes later. We got to the restaurant 20 minutes before they closed and managed to collect our keys and swallow down a celebratory glass of gluhwein. Which, seeing as they got the spice/citrus ratio wrong, tasted rather hair raising. But, we didn't care. We were there! And just in time too!

The following morning the rising sun revealed the glorious view of the Clarens mountains. It was magnificent! But something was bothering us. Something that we couldn't quite put our fingers on. Then it dawned on us. It was quiet! Not a bird or a car or a single human voice could be heard. The silence was so thick you could wrap yourself in it and cuddle it gently. It was absolutely amazing!

I am sad to say that the weekend went past way too quickly, and all too soon we had to hit the road back to Pretoria. Thankfully this time it took us 4 hours instead of 6. After dropping my friend off I arrived home and, after unpacking, clambered into bed. And realised immediately that I was back in a major city, with barking dogs, revving engines and screaming sirens. I was almost tempted to just pack up and drive back to Clarens again! They say that all good things must come to an end, but I wish that this end could have stayed away a bit longer.....

Love The Glove

Yesterday I had my first ever visit to a urologist. I am quite embarrassed to say that I have never gone for a checkup of the family jewels before yesterday. No, I waited until it actually became necessary. A month or so ago I developed a pain where you wouldn't really want one. It felt like someone was constantly cupping one of my.....um.....globes and it started to get quite painful. After an attempt at some medicinal relief proved unsuccessful I took the plunge and made an appointment. I was understandably nervous as I had never been fondled by another man, so I was quite unsure of what to expect. The doctor seated me in his office and politely inquired as to my career and my state of well-being before asking me why I was there. I stammeringly tried to explain the situation to the best of my ability while he listened patiently and nodded every now and then. I was then escorted into his examination room where he asked me to lie down on the bed. Fully clothed. That confused me somewhat, leaving me wondering if he had x-ray vision or some other diagnostic superpower. He lifted my shirt and started pressing and kneading key points on my abdomen. This confused me even more, as I recalled quite clearly telling him that my problem was further south. Then he asked me to pull my pants down. I wanted to quote Jack Carter from the brilliant TV series Eureka, "Yeah, no. There will be no pant dropping without a nice dinner and many, many cocktails."

Unfortunately my doctor has absolutely no measurable sense of humour whatsoever, so I decided to rather keep that comment to myself. This was the first time ever that I lay flat on my back with my jewels exposed to another man. I felt quite uncomfortable! He then proceeded to press key points on my bladder to see if anything was amiss. Then, the dreaded moment, he started handling my globes (quite firmly, I might add) squeezing and touching and checking, all the while looking me dead in the eyes to see if it hurt. At some point he asked me "How does this feel?" to which I responded "Very awkward!" He didn't even blink before asking me "No, does it hurt?" Clearly not one for humour, this one! After he found the problem area I thought we were done, but no. He grabbed a bottle of lubricant and applied a generous portion to my man-parts. This concerned me greatly, as I had no idea of what to expect next! Thankfully it was so that he could do a sonar to check for blood flow. Afterwards he patted me dry with a paper towel and handed me a cup with instructions to fill it. I was still quite uncomfortable, so I jokingly asked what he wanted me to fill it with, to which he replied "Pee in it." Thus confirming that this man was not a fan of comedy. After filling the cup, and spending some time trying to get the excess lube off of my man-bits, I handed him the cup so he could run a few tests. Thereafter he gave me my prognosis, a prescription, a firm handshake and bid me farewell. All in all not as bad as I was expecting.

A relative of mine recently found out he has prostate cancer, something that can be detected early if you go to a doctor for an examination. I have decided that, while uncomfortable, this is a necessary part of staying healthy. So I shall have my annual exam. Samuel L Jackson recently went onto the Graham Norton Show to promote his participation in the campaign to get men to go for regular checkups. The campaign is called "Love the Glove" hence the name of this post. Seeing as few men on this planet are as eloquent as Mr Jackson, I shall let him explain it to you......

Raise Your Glass!

Over the weekend I was chatting to my father, discussing our upcoming Russian evening. He will be responsible for providing the beverages and has researched quite a few interesting Russian drinks options. But that got me thinking, what else is out there? Following on my previous post about weird things to ingest (which can be found here) I decided this time around to focus specifically on drinks. And so, without further ado (or thinking too hard about it) here is what I found:

Birch Sap Wine

This little gem comes to us from the weird and wonderful folks in the United States of America. A twig is cut off from a Birch tree and the sap is then allowed to run into a bottle (which hangs in the tree like some big plastic parasite). When enough sap has been gathered it is taken down and sugar, yeast and lemon juice is added to it. It is then heated and left to ferment for 5 days. It is said, and I'm copying a direct quote here, to taste like "citrus, some sour dough bread and nuts” with a “long, slightly nutty balanced aftertaste of forest, fungus, herbs and apples”. First of all, just the fact that the word "fungus" appears in the description of the taste already makes me wonder about the sanity of the people who drink this! Secondly, what is wrong with wine made from grapes? I have never once looked at a tree in my yard and thought "Yes, you will be delicious with some sugar, yeast and lemons!"

Mamma Mia's Pizza Beer

Once again, the intellectual giants in the United States of America have managed to ruin another of my favourite foods. This time by making beer out of it. I wish I was joking about this, but the review on the brewer's website reads as follows: “A whole wheat crust made with water, flour and yeast is topped with tomato, oregano, basil and garlic. The essence of the pizza spices is washed off with hot water and filtered into a brewpot, where it is boiled for a long, long time. During the process, we add hops and spices in a cheesecloth type bag & filter the cooled liquid into a fermentation vessel (big glass six gallon water jug). After a week or two, the beer is good to go. Keg it or bottle it.” You can only shake your head and wonder what else the Americans will ruin for us!

Reindeer Horn Whiskey

Have you ever had a longing for a nice refreshing glass of reindeer horn whiskey after a long day at the office? No? Neither have I! But apparently the people of Thailand think this is quite good. This traditional rice grain Thai whiskey is made by infusing actual reindeer antlers, ginseng roots and other special medicinal herbs in a large clay pot for several months, after which it is filtered and bottled. Reindeer antlers are believed to increase virility and improve well-being, while in some south east Asian circles, it is believed consuming them will bring you higher social status. The spirit is said to have a “rich earthy finish with a woody aroma”, and a slight “sweet taste with a hint of liquorice”. Um, no. Just no!

Three Penis Liquor

Just when you thought things couldn't get any stranger, the Chinese proudly present Three Penis Liquor! It is made by brewing seal penis, deer penis and Cantonese dog penis to produce a Chinese rice wine which is also a traditional medicine believed to impart male potency and virility to the drinker. Bottles of Tezhi Sanbian Jiu (Three Penis Liquor) can apparently be found in supermarkets across Shanghai. I am at a loss for words!

Seagull Wine

This rather strange drink comes to you from our friends the Inuits, who prepare this refreshing drink by taking a dead seagull and stuffing it in a jar full of water and then leaving it in the sun to ferment. A brave reviewer sums the taste up as follows: “If you opened up a Toyota’s Carburetor and drank the leftover fluid from inside, that would be pretty close. It goes down hard and settles in even worse. But I must say it sure gets people inebriated in a hurry. And the next day’s hangover is nothing short of spectacular. You’ll feel like you’ve been repeatedly beaten over the head by a giant…well, seagull.”

Sourtoe Cocktail

I decided to finish this post off with a bizarre contribution from those zany folks up in Canada. Exclusive to The Downtown Hotel in Dawson City, for a fee, they will drop a pickled human toe into your cocktail. The toe was donated by a man who accidentally cut his off with a lawn mower, and has been a tradition since the 1970s. More than 50 000 people are alleged to have joined the Sourtoe Cocktail Club! Unfortunately for the hotel, this practice recently came to an abrupt halt when one daring individual swallowed the toe, incurring a fine of  CA$500 and probably a very upset stomach! The hotel has since started advertising for another donation, hoping to continue the tradition.

Create, Share, Rinse, Repeat!

On Friday evening I watched the latest installment of the Jurassic Park series; Jurassic World. And while I did enjoy it (who doesn't enjoy dinosaurs chasing Americans all over the place) I was left feeling a bit cheated. When Michael Crichton first wrote Jurassic Park, and its sequel The Lost World, I was immediately enamored with the idea of resurrecting dinosaurs. Who wouldn't want to see these magnificent ancient beasts up close and personal! When the first Jurassic Park movie came out, I loved it! Obviously, as per Hollywood Standard Operating Procedure, they changed quite a bit of the storyline, but the end result was still brilliant!

Unfortunately they then decided to release Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World. The novel was an absolute masterpiece, so the good folks at Hollywood decided not to keep any of it, and instead did their own thing. Which sucked. Badly. You would have thought that they would rather end it there and move on to other things. But no, they then decided it was a good idea to try for Jurassic Park 3. That was so bad that I won't spend any time elaborating on it! Obviously as a result of the massive failure of JP3, the Hollywood folks decided to try and redeem the franchise. It took them 10 years and a multitude of script rewrites before they came up with a decent plot for Jurassic World. Which brings me back to the title of this post. See if this sounds familiar:

• a dinosaur park opens, and people can go and visit it
• something goes catastrophically wrong and a dinosaur escapes
• it just happens to be the biggest, baddest one they have
• two kids happen to be in the middle of it
• they are rescued by a dinosaur expert
• the dinosaur eats many people
• the park gets shut down

This is almost a carbon copy of the plot of the first Jurassic Park! They just updated the graphics, added a few subplots here and there and cast Chris Pratt, which happens to be brilliant in just about anything. The T-Rex gets replaced with a genetically engineered super predator (oh yeah, spoiler alert) and there are still Velociraptors everywhere. This seems to be the trend these days. Hollywood is running out of ideas, and so it is just using a Xerox copier and some updated graphics to bring out new films. I guess the only thing we should be really glad about is the fact that they didn't try and reboot it......

Wax On......Wax Off!

I've been playing around with the idea of going for a wax for a while now. The only thing that was  thus far stopping me were the tales of immeasurable pain from wax survivors. I'm pretty sure if you walk through a cemetery you will happen upon one or two headstones with the following words on them:

Here lies John Simmons

 He thought he could survive a wax session

He was wrong

So naturally the idea of willingly submitting to torture made me wonder about booking a session. The premise seems right out of a horror movie; boiling hot wax slathered on the skin then left to cool slightly before being ripped off, taking hair and possibly skin right with it! Who the hell thought that this was a good idea for hair removal?! Some medieval torture master in a castle dungeon somewhere?! 

But then I heard from a few friends (who were possibly high on some sort of prescription medicine) that waxing is not that painful. And when a friend who owns a salon asked if I would volunteer for a session, I finally agreed. So we booked a session to remove some unwanted fluff from my back. Thankfully I do not fall into the gorilla category, so there wasn't too much hair to remove. But still I was quietly worried that I would make a complete fool of myself!

As I lay down on the bed I was getting extremely nervous! Especially when the wax was applied using a special roller. Then the paper strip that would be the forerunner to my suffering was applied to the wax. Visions of nuclear explosions, limbs being torn from bodies, Justin Bieber's latest album all flashed through my mind. I was about to experience all the suffering in the world! I would understand what it was like in a Vietnamese prison! With a quick yank the strip came off and.........I was slightly puzzled. I was expecting it to feel like someone had just poured lava onto my back, but no, while it did sting, it was not that bad. Maybe it was just a fluke, I thought to myself. Maybe the next one would cause me to pee myself and run away crying like a little girl. Another yank, some more stinging, but nothing that I would consider cruel and unusual. Yes, the intensity of the stinging varied depending on where on my back I was being waxed, but I still wondered why some guys turned into weeping fountains during waxing.

After the session was done and some soothing cream was applied, the redness quickly faded and my back was not all that sensitive. I do credit my friend's skill for most of this. But I also kept wondering what the fuss was about. Especially after chatting to a few guys who firmly stated that they would never submit themselves to this particular form of torture. Maybe I was just lucky, or maybe waxing isn't really that bad. We'll find out when I go back for my second session.........legs!