Love The Glove

Yesterday I had my first ever visit to a urologist. I am quite embarrassed to say that I have never gone for a checkup of the family jewels before yesterday. No, I waited until it actually became necessary. A month or so ago I developed a pain where you wouldn't really want one. It felt like someone was constantly cupping one of my.....um.....globes and it started to get quite painful. After an attempt at some medicinal relief proved unsuccessful I took the plunge and made an appointment. I was understandably nervous as I had never been fondled by another man, so I was quite unsure of what to expect. The doctor seated me in his office and politely inquired as to my career and my state of well-being before asking me why I was there. I stammeringly tried to explain the situation to the best of my ability while he listened patiently and nodded every now and then. I was then escorted into his examination room where he asked me to lie down on the bed. Fully clothed. That confused me somewhat, leaving me wondering if he had x-ray vision or some other diagnostic superpower. He lifted my shirt and started pressing and kneading key points on my abdomen. This confused me even more, as I recalled quite clearly telling him that my problem was further south. Then he asked me to pull my pants down. I wanted to quote Jack Carter from the brilliant TV series Eureka, "Yeah, no. There will be no pant dropping without a nice dinner and many, many cocktails."

Unfortunately my doctor has absolutely no measurable sense of humour whatsoever, so I decided to rather keep that comment to myself. This was the first time ever that I lay flat on my back with my jewels exposed to another man. I felt quite uncomfortable! He then proceeded to press key points on my bladder to see if anything was amiss. Then, the dreaded moment, he started handling my globes (quite firmly, I might add) squeezing and touching and checking, all the while looking me dead in the eyes to see if it hurt. At some point he asked me "How does this feel?" to which I responded "Very awkward!" He didn't even blink before asking me "No, does it hurt?" Clearly not one for humour, this one! After he found the problem area I thought we were done, but no. He grabbed a bottle of lubricant and applied a generous portion to my man-parts. This concerned me greatly, as I had no idea of what to expect next! Thankfully it was so that he could do a sonar to check for blood flow. Afterwards he patted me dry with a paper towel and handed me a cup with instructions to fill it. I was still quite uncomfortable, so I jokingly asked what he wanted me to fill it with, to which he replied "Pee in it." Thus confirming that this man was not a fan of comedy. After filling the cup, and spending some time trying to get the excess lube off of my man-bits, I handed him the cup so he could run a few tests. Thereafter he gave me my prognosis, a prescription, a firm handshake and bid me farewell. All in all not as bad as I was expecting.

A relative of mine recently found out he has prostate cancer, something that can be detected early if you go to a doctor for an examination. I have decided that, while uncomfortable, this is a necessary part of staying healthy. So I shall have my annual exam. Samuel L Jackson recently went onto the Graham Norton Show to promote his participation in the campaign to get men to go for regular checkups. The campaign is called "Love the Glove" hence the name of this post. Seeing as few men on this planet are as eloquent as Mr Jackson, I shall let him explain it to you......