New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of the year again. Everyone is relaxed after the Christmas season. It is a new year, filled with fresh promise and new opportunities! And it is also the time of year that we lie to ourselves like no other time! Common lies include "I'm going to quit smoking" or "I'm going to be healthy, I'm only going to eat salad and muesli" or "I'm going back to the gym so that I can lose weight and look like Hugh Jackman".

But then, somewhere around June, we realise that we are still puffing away, still eating cheeseburgers with extra everything and we still look like the bastard child of the Oros Man. The only exercise we get is going to the fridge for another beer!

Why do we lie to ourselves like this? Why do we keep setting goals that we never ever attempt to reach? Is it that we don't have the time? Maybe we are not motivated enough. Or maybe that couch is just so damn comfortable! "This won't happen if I get a personal trainer" you say. But yes, it will. You will show up diligently for one week, maybe two if the trainer is of the opposite sex and really cute, but eventually you'll stop altogether. So I suggest a personal trainer that won't take no for an answer, one that will show up at your house and drag you to the gym. One that will appear behind you in every mirror you look into.

Yes, Chuck Norris. This is a man that can play tennis against a wall, and the wall will lose. A man that can have a staring contest with the sun, and the sun will blink first. A man that can shoot down airplanes by pointing a finger at them and yelling "Bang!" So if anyone can get us to keep our promises this year, it is Chuck Norris! No matter where you hide, he will find you. No matter the excuse, he will roundhouse kick it out of you. And when he's done with you, you will have abs of steel, pectorals that can move mountains and a beard that can stop bullets! You will also talk with a cowboy accent and have the irresistible urge to kick people in the face. Okay, maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.......

The Dark Knight

Picture the following: the sound of an alarm pierces the still night, a crime is in progress. A powerful searchlight stabs the dark clouds painting the image of a gigantic bat for all to see. Somewhere in a dark cave a sleek black urban tank roars to life. The Caped Crusader is on his way! He arrives on the scene just in time to dramatically step from the shadows and punch the villain in the kidney!

The entire scene is infused with drama and action, and fear is struck into the hearts of evil-doers everywhere! But now, that got me wondering. You often see Batman emerging very dramatically from shadows in the comic books, films and animated series. But what would happen if his intended target was late, or didn't arrive? What would he do while waiting? Play Angry Birds? Check his Facebook? Imagine the following, Commissioner Gordon leaves the crime scene. Batman decides to wait for him in his office, in a conveniently dark corner so that he can emerge and share his thoughts with the chief of police. But Gordon doesn't arrive until much later. Can you just picture that conversation:
Batman: "Commissioner, I've been waiting for you."
Gordon: "GAH! How many times have I told you not to do that?! How long have you been in here?"
Batman: "About two hours or so."
Gordon: "Two hours?! What the hell have you been doing?!"
Batman: " I watered your fern and organised your stationary. I also Googled a nice quiche recipe and beat your Minesweeper score."
Gordon: "Why the hell would you do that?"
Batman: " Because.......(dramatic pause).....I'm Batman!"

I think that Batman spends a lot more time waiting around in order to make a dramatic entrance than is shown in popular media. But then, if you are Batman, who is going to argue with you?

The Rising Tide

So the other day I had a thought. (Don't look at me like that, guys can think too!) People keep complaining about rising ocean levels, terrified that it will cover pristine beaches and allow sharks to catch your poodle in the backyard. There are many theories as to why the oceans are rising. The main culprit, according to scientists, is the melting of the polar ice caps. This, they say, is because of global warming. "Ah yes, global warming", you say, nodding sagely. Yes, entirely possible. That horrible heating of the atmosphere caused by greenhouse gases, air pollution and political promises. But, as I have already explained here, they are all wrong about global warming!

After some seriously deep though, which may have included the consumption of an alcoholic beverage or two, I realised that the cause of rising sea levels is actually quite obvious......we keep putting stuff in the ocean! Think about it this way, when you fill a bathtub with water, and then get into it, the water level rises. Unless you are an anorexic supermodel, in which case it stays where it is. But when any NORMAL person gets into a tub of water, the water level rises. It is something so simple! Unfortunately I can't claim credit for this one. The ancient Greek scholar Archimedes decided to take a warm, relaxing bubble bath with some scented candles and soft music one evening. (Not entirely true but I'm using artistic license to set the scene here!) As he sank into the tub, the water level rose, spilling over onto the floor and thus accomplishing two things. One, he was struck by the realisation that the water was being displaced by his body sinking into it, and two, his wife probably started yelling at him for soaking the bathroom. He was so excited about his discovery that he exclaimed "Eureka!" and ran naked down the street, probably chased by his mop-wielding wife.

Now let's follow this thought through to its conclusion, which is that we keep putting more ships in the water, and the ships keep getting bigger and bigger. So inevitably, the water level will keep rising. Let me give you an example, the largest ship ever constructed was the Knock Nevis, now known as the Seawise Giant. This behemoth weighed close to 660 000 tons with a full cargo hold. At 458m, she was the longest ship ever constructed. She had 31 541 square meters of deck space. Now imagine what would happen if you put something of that size in the water!

There are currently countless supertankers, cargo ships, cruise liners, aircraft carriers and a wide variety of warships floating around on the oceans. And that's just on the surface! Beneath the waves we have submarines and submersibles and a few underwater research stations, not to mention the large collection of sunken wrecks scattered all over the ocean floor! If we keep adding stuff to the oceans, I'm pretty sure that one day soon taking the dog for a walk will look something like this....

Anger Management

So we had a power failure recently. Usually not a major issue, just a minor inconvenience. Except that the power didn't come back up. For three days! Unfortunately this meant calling our local Municipal offices for their assistance. And after all this time spent on the phone multiple times a day for updates and progress reports, I can say with full honesty that I would rather eat broken glass and wash it down with battery acid than deal with the municipality again! First of all, you call the municipal call center and listen to all the various mind-numbing options:

"For assistance in English, Press 1. For assistance in Afrikaans, Press 2. If you suspect we are wasting your time, Press 3. Just because we ARE actually wasting your time, Press 4."

Once you have waded through the myriad useless options, then they put you on hold, also with a pre-recorded message. Unfortunately they used the most bored person they could find to record said message, so you are left almost sobbing with depression at the end of it. I am convinced that they actually want to say the following:

"Your call is important to us. Not really, but we have to say that to put you at ease. All of our agents are currently busy ignoring your call. Your call will be answered as soon as an agent can be bothered to pick up the phone. Or after the poker game."

After three days of begging, pleading, threatening, swearing, ranting and raving they finally managed to gather enough surviving brain cells to send out a technician. And 15 minutes later the power was restored. The whole experience has left me feeling like this...

Terror

I am a big fan of games. And I am a big fan of sci-fi. I particularly enjoy the Alien franchise. So when I heard that they were bringing out a survival horror game based on the franchise I jumped at the chance to experience it. For those who don't know what I am talking about, the picture below should refresh your memory....

Everyone has at some point or another watched a film featuring the cuddly guy above. Known as xenomorphs, these things are terrifying killing machines, capable of running on the walls or ceilings, tearing metal apart like it was soggy toilet paper and eliciting a yelp of terror from even the hardiest gamer or movie-goer. And now they've turned dealing with these things into an interactive bladder-leaking experience.

The game is called Alien Isolation and puts you in a direct one-on-one confrontation with a xenomorph who stalks you relentlessly through the halls of a derelict space station. "Ah, at least they will give you the means to deal with this nasty critter!" you say. But no, they don't. Nothing you do will deter this thing from trying to suck your liver out through your nose. If you make a noise, it will find you and kill you. If it is in the area while you are walking about, it will find you and kill you. If you walk under an open air vent, it will kill you. If you sneeze, it will kill you. If you breathe, it will kill you. A friend and I have spent some time trying to get through the game without getting killed. We have failed hopelessly. Time and time again. We've even silently crawled around for literally hours on end, hiding in lockers and under beds, trying to outsmart our grinning foe, only to be violently janked out of an air-duct or locker and french kissed to death. But we love it! Yes it is frustrating and terrifying, but that is what makes this an awesome game. Someone once asked me just how terrifying this game really is. I'll let you judge for yourself....

Snakes On a Plane

Snakes! Since the beginning of time they have fascinated/intrigued/horrified us. And there are so many different kind of snakes that you'd be hard-pressed to try and remember them all. We are so fascinated by them that we make movies about them. Take the title to my post for example. Here is a movie made more terrifying by the prospect of being inside a pressurized tube hundreds of feet up in the air filled with slithering reptiles. Of course they just had to add Samuel L Jackson to it, because they also felt that the movie could use multiple instances of the word "motherf*cker".

Not too long ago I was in a pet shop. The main display was a massive glass tank with a 2 meter python in it. That wasn't disturbing. What disturbed me was the fact that the python was named Sugar! Why on earth would you want to call something that could squeeze the life out of you, and then eat you Sugar?! It's like calling a pit bull Muffin. It makes absolutely no sense to me!

Snakes have been kept as pets, been the stars in many movies, and have been the antagonists in many video games. Let's face it, we can't get away from them! Then there is the most famous snake of all, the one that mislead Eve in the Garden of Eden. Now, I am willing to give Eve the benefit of the doubt here. Everything was still new and shiny, so for her to have a conversation with a snake was probably nothing out of the ordinary. I, on the other hand, would have gone "Holy Crap! A talking snake!" and run off to fetch Adam, leaving the snake wondering what the hell just happened.

I don't mind people keeping snakes as pets, and I certainly don't mind them being included in popular media. But unfortunately, as fascinated as I am with them, I just can't bring myself to actually own one.....

The Grammar Nazis

So as an additional source of income, my lovely companion is a freelance editor for the University of Pretoria. This means that students (and sometimes lecturers) can send her their thesis for editing. This involves checking grammar, spacing, referencing and all sorts of other weird and mysterious things. And because of her thoroughness she is quite popular. Sometimes too popular! There are times where she has such a large workload that I have to step in and assist. Don't look at me like that! I am a trained proofreader, among other things! Now usually I don't mind assisting her, but there are times, like last night, when we come across a student who has heard about this thing called grammar, but doesn't really know or care how it works. Some of his sentences left us like this.....

You sense that he is trying to communicate, but you just can't figure out what he is trying to say! There are sentences that just end mid-sentence. Others have so many different thoughts crammed into one that at some point we were convinced he was gurgling with drain water or snorting baby powder.

Don't get me wrong, my lovely companion has edited for students who have written absolute masterpieces. Beautiful sentences, great ideas! In some cases it was so well written that you could easily form a picture in your mind. You could see exactly what they meant! And it is awesome! But some, like our unfortunate friend last night, leave you wondering whether they might be the Mad Hatter in disguise. When faced with such blatant disregard for the English language, there is but one facial expression that you can have when reading their work......