I Strongly Dislike Morning People

Have you ever had one of those days? Days that feel like you just can't get going? From the moment you get up in the morning, sometimes up until bedtime that night, you just feel like you're stuck in neutral. Well cheer up! You are not alone! Why, you ask? Because I am having one of those days! And judging by the silence on this blog page, I've been having one for quite a few years.

It's just one of those mornings where you sit at your desk, stare at your screen, look at the workload waiting for you and nothing is happening. Your brain is on holiday. Your coffee isn't strong enough. In fact, you feel like you need coffee so strong it would melt the spoon while you are stirring it and set off Geiger counters. You feel like you want to throw your cup of ineffective coffee at your insanely cheerful coworker who is the very definition of a morning person. One who walks around with a spring in their step and a smile so wide they look like an advertisement for healthy dentistry. You know that colleague? The one who, apart from being so annoyingly joyful about the new morning, has to absolutely tell you all about the night they've had and how excited they are to tackle the day ahead. All the while you are sitting at your desk staring at them, wondering what they'd look like with a pencil sticking out of their left eye socket.

This morning one of my colleagues insisted on chatting about the weather. How it seems to be getting warmer, how the mornings aren't so cold anymore. How it looks like summer is on the way. Meanwhile I am sitting at my desk trying to get my brain cells to wake up, look sharp and focus on the difficult task in front of me which, at that point, was trying to lift my coffee cup to my face and find my mouth, so I could sip on some woefully inadequate brown liquid and occasionally grunt in agreement as they rambled on. And all I could think of was how I didn't really care about the weather at that point in time. The weather will happen whether I carefully take the time to deeply ponder it or not. All that mattered at that moment was the extreme effort it took to take in some caffeine and not flop forward face down on my keyboard and start drooling on my desk.

Despite what my beautiful wife will tell you, I am not actually a morning person. Yes, I get up before she does and perform my morning tasks admirably. I manage to brush my teeth and shower very efficiently and nobody suspects that I am actually very skillfully sleepwalking my way through it all. If given the choice, I'd rather stay in bed and sleep than having to get up, dress myself somehow and go and sit in an office and drink what is labelled coffee but is the equivalent of some hot water with something added to make it slightly less see-through than when it came out of the kettle. 

I'm sure at some point the reality of the day will set in, I will become more aware of my surroundings and the realization that I actually have to perform tasks in order to get paid will dawn on me. Some days this happens quickly and I am a beacon of efficiency. On other days this happens gradually and I eventually find a gear to kick into and tasks get done. But there are days where I regret having to awaken from my deep slumber, stop cuddling my beautiful wife, leave my warm and snug bed and attempt to get the day started. On those days I sit at my desk, wish I had coffee so strong that I could hear colors when I am done drinking it and the world seems to move in slow motion because I am so energized. Or wired. Either way, I'll take it. But alas, no amount of company-sponsored caffeine can achieve that desired state. So I sit staring at my computer screen, willing my brain to perform tasks it is being asked to do but it would much rather be doing anything else.

In conclusion, dear reader, if you have made it this far without falling asleep, murdering your overly cheerful colleague or browsing away looking for new and exciting facts, like if giraffes ever develop a fear of heights, I applaud you. And just know, as I stated at the very beginning of this long and rather pointless rant, you are not alone. I share your pain. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and bludgeon my coworker into a coma using a stapler.

 

Cat Rap

 So, because I am weirder than a chameleon juggling paintbrushes, inspiration hits me at the weirdest moments. This morning, for example, I was browsing on Facebook and came across what I thought is an awesome picture. And because my thought processes will make most people back away slowly and look for the nearest heavy object for self defense, I started wondering what my cat would say if she ever released a rap album. And thus, just to make you question my sanity some more, I give you......Cat Attack!

 

Watching the birds fly by
I want to snatch them out of the sky
Bring them to the ground with an awesome bang
And tear into them with my razor-sharp fangs

But first I have to run around the house
Frantically chasing an imaginary mouse
Then jump onto my servant’s bed
And for absolutely no reason sit on his head

I’m a cat, yo!
I’m seriously cool!
If you don’t dig it
You are a fool!

I sleep all day
And run around all night
Loudly serenading you
With all my might

What’s this?
You’re trying to sleep?
Imma cough up a hairball
On your feet

Shedding fur
All over the place
Stealing your hair ties
And leaving no trace

You’re calling me?
Fool! I’ll ignore you!
Unless you have the can opener
Then I’ll implore you

I scratch your things
Without a care
Then cover everything
With my hair

It’s a cat’s life
And I’m king of the hill
Imma leave it there
Do with it what you will!

Writer's Block

You may have noticed the absolute deafening sound of complete and utter silence on my blog the past while. The sort of silence that is so intense that you can hear grass growing, mice farting and ants shouting. It is the sort of silence that adopts a life of its own, it becomes sentient, self-aware, has children, sends them to school, watches them get jobs and finally retires to a tropical island somewhere to eat exotic foods and drink expensive cocktails, all the while pondering the absolute silence it spawned. Yep, it is official; writer's block has hit me like a runaway bus full of hooting owls!

But surely there must be something I can write about, you say. Probably, yes. I could write about current events, but that is depressing. I could write about interesting dreams I had, but that would have you backing away slowly and calling the police. I could write about things I've experienced in my personal life, but you'd think I was writing the plot for a soapie to replace 7de Laan. I could write amusing and improbable stories about aliens visiting Earth and assessing it for first contact, but so far, after 3 posts on the subject, the aliens have declined to provide me with more information, most likely due to the fact that they decided it might not be worth it and buggered off to the Andromeda system to go look for amusement there.

For centuries writer's block has been the scourge of creative minds everywhere. It is frustrating when you are accustomed to coming up with new and amusing things to lay down on paper (electronically speaking) for your readers, only to hit a wall with the same velocity as someone walking into the kitchen for a late night snack and then tripping over the cat. Sure, there are many solutions to be found on the internet about how to break through your writer's block, but I haven't bothered to read any of them. Not for a lack of trying, mind you. I Google it and then, after looking through all the articles available, I get distracted and search for interesting ways to prepare lamb stew instead.

Never fear though, dear reader! I have not given up on the idea of writing down non-nonsensical things for your amusement and reading pleasure. But I do beg your indulgence as I try and find a way around the road block preventing my inspiration from reaching me. Most likely due to the traffic cops at said road block wanting cold drink money and a 21 piece bucket from KFC. I shall persevere and, hopefully in the near future, inspiration will find me again, like that mosquito that always knows exactly where to fly around in order to make you aware of its presence, but never close enough so you can actually swat it.

 

The Alien Report - Part 3

Mandalosian Star Command
Research Update - Lower Life Forms - Sub-Commander FhxlG'Tul

Subject - IGO-3 (Known to its inhabitants as Earth)

 

As per your command, after Sub-Servant Ntgr'Dum's disastrous mistake unleashed a deadly plague upon Earth, we shifted our focus away from studying Earth's human population and instead focused on its lower life forms. We decided to bring various species aboard for study, as studying them in their habitat was deemed too risky. Herewith the report, as requested.

 

Mammalian

 As humans seem to enjoy interacting with these animals, we decided to focus on the domesticated varieties that share their domiciles. We first brought aboard a member of the feline species. Its collar identified it as Fluffles. It appeared to be intent on jumping onto any surface containing buttons and then lying on them, once causing the lights to go off and Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs to trip over a cable and injure his elbow. It also seemed determined to knock any loose object off of the examination table, causing yet another injury when Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs slipped on a fallen beaker and bruised his knee. We determined that they enjoy physical affection such as stroking the head and back, but Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs terminated the examination after attempting to stroke its belly and requiring multiple stitches afterwards.

We next brought aboard a large canine, identified as Brutus. Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs had to use an aerosolized sedation agent after the canine chased him onto an examination table. After it was deemed that the canine was adequately calm the examination could proceed. As with the felines, the canine enjoyed physical affection, but unlike the felines it actually enjoyed getting its belly stroked. We had to end the examination earlier than planned because the canine urinated on a power relay, disrupting primary power and leaving us without artificial gravity for a time.

Next we focused on a small animal that we located on the Southern portion of a continent the humans refer to as Africa. According to their records it is called a Honey Badger, which seemed to indicate it is a docile animal. Unfortunately this information seems to be incorrect as it was extremely irate upon arrival and not even the aerosolized sedation agent could calm it. Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs attempted to restrain it but was chased around the examination room and finally terminated the examination after it ate one of the probes and gnawed the leg off of one of the chairs.

Reptilian

After the encounter with the Honey Badger, it was decided to rather focus on reptilians. We managed to bring aboard many samples of small reptilian creatures, one of which even had the ability to change its colour. After that success Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs decided to bring aboard one of the larger ones, referred to by the humans as crocodiles. On Earth they seem to spend most of their time either basking in the sun or lying submerged in rivers, so based on that observation we believed it to be relatively easy to control. Unfortunately it too was rather irate after being brought aboard and chased Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs around the examination room. The decision was made to rather return it to its environment.

Avian

We decided to rather focus on Earth's avian species after this. We brought aboard what the humans refer to as a parrot, as we have observed the humans keeping them as companions. We were amazed by its ability to mimic speech and it even managed to learn a few of our phrases, which will no doubt confuse its owners upon its return. Unfortunately Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs also discovered its tendency to bite after it clamped onto his finger, causing him to teach it a few more choice phrases which will not be included in this report. As we have had little success with wild varieties of Earth's animal population, it was decided not to bring any wild avians aboard.

Aquatic

Humans also tend to keep some aquatic species as companions, so we focused on bringing aboard what they refer to as goldfish. This unfortunately led to some tragic incidents as the first one died shortly after arrival. It was determined that the water temperature in our test tank was too cold. The temperature was raised but the next one died after being brought aboard as the temperature was now too warm. After finding a suitable temperature, we brought yet another goldfish aboard, but it died as well. We determined that it was because it was not fed. So we brought another one aboard and fed it, but it died due to being fed too much. After these incidents Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs was heard exclaiming about changing careers to something less tasking, such as administration. After we calmed him down we managed to finally bring aboard a goldfish that stayed alive and we were able to take appropriate readings. Unfortunately, after returning it to Earth, it died.

Conclusion

After these various experiments it was decided to rather cease further study of Earth animals for the time being. This is partly due to the difficulties in handling them and partly due to Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs's locking himself in his quarters and getting intoxicated. As he is currently our only researcher on board, we have decided to let him recuperate until he feels up to continuing his research. As always, I await your further instructions.

What's That Word

 We've all been there. You are having a conversation and would like to discuss something but the word you are looking for has escaped you. It could be something complex like 'tetrahedron' or something simple like 'squirrel', but either way, you just can't remember the word! So what do you do? Give up on the conversation? Or get creative and try to carry on? I recently found an article where people described some creative words or phrases they came up with when the actual word escaped them. Enjoy!

• Boyfriend's mother once referred to a peacock as a disco chicken.
• Couldn't remember groomsmen, went with dudesmaids instead.
• I forgot the word for ‘exterminator’ so I used ‘ant exorcist’ instead.
• My friend couldn't remember the word "cow" for some reason, so she googled "moo beast" to remember.
• Christmas Llama instead of reindeer.
• Once when my husband was on pain meds (after having surgery), he asked for a "cylindrical water storage device." Cup. He wanted a cup.
• I can't remember who said it, but ever since I heard a person call a cupcake a party muffin they are permanently renamed in my mind. 
• At Target, I asked for "a can of bug-murder". I forgot "insecticide" or even "bug spray".
• Couldn't remember the word Athlete so I went with Sportician.
• My buddy once referred to an air horn as 'spray scream'.
• When my sister was young, she didn't know the word "cemetary" so she just called it a "dead-people field". 
• Sausage tweezers. My husband wanted me to pass him the cooking tongs.
• At one point I started googling "map of the year" because my brain short-circuited and I couldn't recall the word "calendar".
• My buddy couldn't find the world for lungs, came up with breath sacks.
• I once referred to a flyswatter as a "bug spatula" when the name escaped me .
• Breakfast soup. (The word he was looking for was cereal.)
• I couldn’t think of the word “robe” so I asked a friend if they’d seen my “towel jacket.”
• I met this french girl on a recent trip, and she called it a "muscle hangover", when looking for the word sore.
• I once called toothpaste "tooth soap" because it was 8 am and I was not ready for life. 
• I once called the Navy "the aqua army".
• Years ago my boyfriend and I were super baked and he was just like "okay so I know this probably isn't the right word, but can you hand me the volume squirter" he meant tv remote, but the new name stuck. Since then we've always referred to it as a volume squirter.
• My unmedicated ADHD (while preggo) caused my mouth to outpace my vocabulary quite often.  I wish I could remember more of them, but my husband won't let me live down "time circle." I meant clock.
• Called a labcoat a Science Vest.
• My little brother who was around 6 at the time really wanted popcorn, and he asked if he could have some of the "boom puffs."
• Called a fan the air blender. 
• When my girlfriend was stoned she asked "how do I turn on the umbrella sticks" when talking about windshield wipers
• Didn't know what to call people from Japan as a kid so I decided on "Japanicans".
• A friend of mine once said "plane station" instead of airport
• My friend couldn't remember the word "cauldron" one Halloween and referred to it as a "witch bucket."
• My best flub was when I couldn't remember the word for water, so I called it drinking fluid. 
• My boyfriend does this all the time. My favourite ever was "oil boiled" for deep fried but others have included "letter house" (envelope), "potato claws" (kitchen tongs) and "bread cooker" (toaster). 
• My boyfriend once referred to grapes as "wine berries".
  

One Man Army

Once upon a time there was a man named Benjamin. Born in 1921, all little Benjamin wanted to do was be a soldier and serve his country. So, as soon as he was old enough, he enlisted to serve with the United States Army. Just in time for Pearl Harbour. Unfortunately for Benjamin, he was posted across the road from the base that got attacked and so could not do anything to help. After not being able to serve his country in the way he wanted to, he decided to attend Officer Candidate School in 1942 and emerged a few weeks later as an infantry Second Lieutenant. Eager to prove himself, he immediately requested an assignment, but was turned down. He spent most of the war training other soldiers. The Second World War ended in 1945 and so Benjamin, disappointed that he did not see any action, left the army to work at a lumber mill. Then, the Korean War happened.

In June of 1950, Kim Il-Sung's North Korea invaded the South with 100,000 men, capturing Seoul in three days and storming across the Korean peninsula.  In less than three months, half of the South Korean military had been overrun, and the entire South Korean defensive perimeter was reduced to a piece of land less than 5,000 miles across.  The United Nations passed a resolution allowing the Member States to send troops to assist, and UN forces made a daring landing at Inchon that started to push Korea back.  The North Korean army was defeated, the UN liberated Seoul and the victorious allies pushed the enemy all the way back to the Chinese border.

This seriously displeased the Chinese.  And, suddenly, millions of Chinese troops were surging across the Yalu River chucking hand grenades at anything that moved, the UN found themselves completely and massively outnumbered, and the allies were on the retreat.  

By June of 1951 the U.S. 31st Infantry Regiment was deployed outside the village of Nodong-ri, along the 38th parallel, part of the last line of defense that was desperately trying to slow the Chinese onslaught and prevent the re-capture of the South Korean capital.  Desperate fighting was raging all throughout the sector, as American, Commonwealth, and other UN forces hung on tenaciously, forcing the enemy to buy every inch of land in blood, but things were looking increasingly grim as more and more enemy troops were brought forward into combat.  

Ben Wilson was Master Sergeant of Third Battalion, Company I.  In his short time since rejoining the army, he'd already worked his way through the ranks from Private to E-8, and, on a warm evening in June 1951, he was ordered to re-take a large commanding hill that overlooked the Hwachon Reservoir outside of Nodong-ri. The terrain feature was affectionately known as "Hell Hill", and, as you can tell by the extremely pleasant name, it wasn't going to be an easy objective to capture.  It was steep, the approach was dangerous, and it was heavily fortified by hundreds of North Korean and Chinese troops dug in to formidable defensive entrenchments.

This was the moment Master Sergeant Benjamin Wilson had been waiting for his entire life. The enemy had no idea what was about to happen!

Under covering fire from artillery, machine guns, mortars, and rifles, Master Sergeant Benjamin F. Wilson picked his weapon, let out a huge battle-cry, and ordered the men of I Company to follow him.  Charging forward up a steep, muddy incline in the sweltering heat of the Korean summer, Wilson was met immediately by an unrelenting barrage of machine gun and mortar fire that ripped up the scenery around him in every direction.  Completely ignoring the imminent death flying around him, Wilson led his men up the hill, lobbing grenades, firing his rifle, and then diving headlong into the first enemy entrenchment.  He came face-to-face with four troops carrying full-auto SMGs, quickly killed them, then waved for the rest of his team to come up and reinforce the position.  

Then, once everyone was consolidated, he ordered them to fix bayonets. They were not stopping there. 

Charging forward with bayonet at the ready, Master Sergeant Ben Wilson and the men of I Company stormed up Hell Hill with the explicit intention of ruining the enemy's day when they arrived at their objective.  Heavy fire came in from all directions, but Wilson and his crew stormed ahead, hurled themselves at the enemy, and overran them, leaving nearly thirty Chinese and North Korean troops dead on the field.  When the Chinese tried to counter-attack, Wilson single-handedly charged them, rushing forward with rifle and grenades, killing seven more enemy troops, wounding three, and driving off the attack by himself.

But he wasn't done yet.

Wilson once again gathered his men and made a third charge, but as he got within twenty yards of his objective he was hit by shrapnel and bullet fragments, wounding him severely. Wounded and unable to continue, Wilson's men grabbed him and started pulling him back from the fight, but, even though he was seriously wounded, Wilson still lay down covering fire for his troops as they pressed the attack. 

When Wilson (who was bleeding profusely and being carried down the hill on a stretcher) heard that I Company's commander and the commander of First Platoon had been incapacitated and the attack was faltering, he did what any self respecting hero would do and climbed out of the stretcher and ran back up the hill to lead the attack himself.

Bleeding, wounded, and exhausted, he grabbed his rifle and ran forward, straight into the most ferocious fighting on the front, shooting at anything that moved, and then waded bayonet-first into enemy forces.  Wilson killed three enemy troops in hand-to-hand combat before the North Korean troops swarmed him, grabbed the rifle, and wrenched it from his grip, stripping the wounded Master Sergeant of his only firearm.

So he pulled out his entrenching shovel and went to work, killing four men in the process.

Wilson was wounded a second time during the withdrawal, but still continued to yell orders and provide covering fire while being hauled away on another stretcher. 

The Medal of Honor Citation says that "His courageous delaying action enabled his comrades to reorganize and effect an orderly withdrawal," which sounds pretty tame considering what had just taken place. His actions would earn him a Distinguished Service Cross, the nation's second-highest award for bravery, and four days later he was nominated for a second one, the first time that had ever happened.  A few years later he was awarded a Medal of Honor.

Benjamin F. Wilson survived the Korean War and retired as a Major in 1960.  He moved to Hawaii, lived into his sixties, and passed away on March 1st, 1988. His bravery and fearlessness just go to show what you can accomplish if you are passionate about something. And let's not forget, he did all of that while wearing glasses!

In the News

For Jacaranda FM news, I am TinaWifflesniffer.

The number of new Covid 19 infections are rising. Yesterday around 394 247 people tested positive, the Department of Health has advised that the staggering amount of new infections is the result of the new OmicronDeltaChocNutWaffle variant. The ANC has advised that the fourth wave will arrive as soon as the funds have cleared in their account.

In politics, Jacob Zuma has been released from prison for the fourth time on medical parole. Doctors have advised that the former president is suffering from iron deficiency due to not being able to use his 3 iron on his local golf course. His condition is being closely monitored by all the people that he still owes money to.

The N1 highway between Midrand and Centurion had to be closed today after a taxi rolled over. It is believed that a front tyre burst, causing the driver to lose control of the vehicle. All 194 occupants were killed.

Areas of Tshwane were left without power today. Cable theft has been identified as the cause. The municipality has advised that it has requested that its workers please return the cable that was taken, otherwise they will not be getting a Christmas bonus.

Eskom has announced that it needs to implement stage 4 load shedding due to the number of Christmas lights across the country straining its infrastructure. They have asked the public to please refrain from putting up more lights and to use electricity sparingly. When asked for comment, Eskom CEO Andre de Ruyter was unavailable as he was already at his holiday home in Spain.

The EFF has called on its members to boycott Clicks stores because shampoo manufacturer Body-on-Tap has released a new line of shampoos in white bottles. EFF leader Julius Malema has said that the decision to use white bottles instead of black bottles shows clear racism and that the EFF will do everything in its power to prevent the sale of Body-on-Tap shampoo. When asked for comment, DA leader John Steenhuisen said that the DA will fight the EFF's boycott of Body-on-Tap shampoo as he uses it on a daily basis.

A cash in transit heist in Sandton was foiled today after the driver of the cash in transit van, a Mr Rambo McBadAss, ran the hijackers' vehicle off the road and then opened fire on them with a machine gun. His partner then threw a grenade into the hijackers' vehicle, causing the petrol tank to explode. Members of the public filmed the scene and uploaded it to YouTube where it trended immediately and caused American film director Michael Bay to contact Mr McBadAss and offer him a role in his newest blockbuster, Transformers 17 - Rust Happens.

An increase in the price of petrol has been announced. On the 1st of January the petrol price will rise by R47.52. This is due to an increase in international oil prices and the fact that SARS wants to milk taxpayers some more.

In celebrity news, Prince Harry and his American wife, Meghan Markle, have expressed a desire to rejoin the British Royal Family. This decision comes 2 years after the couple decided to leave the British Royal Family in order to stay out of the spotlight, by being in the spotlight every chance they got. When asked about the decision to return, Prince Harry explained: "One morning Meghan expressed a desire to cook me breakfast in bed. After an hour of lying in bed listening to her swearing, crying and breaking things, she finally located the kitchen. Two hours after that she returned with our breakfast. The crumpets were bloody awful! In short, I miss the Royal Chef Gerald's cooking and so the decision was made to rejoin my family."

In your sports news, Bafana Bafana recently beat Brazil 4 - 0 before being told to turn off their Playstation and report for their game against Ghana. Ghana beat Bafana Bafana 47 - 1. At 70 minutes the Ghana players became bored and decided to go and watch a movie, leaving only their goalkeeper behind. Bafana Bafana's only goal of the game came after Ghana's goalkeeper fell asleep.

In rugby news, the All Blacks recently announced a new haka. All Blacks Head Coach Ian Forster was quoted as saying: "We want to show our support in the war against racism by including cultural dances from across the world in our haka. As such the new haka will include ballroom, ballet and hip hop dance moves, among others." The new haka is said to be around 20 minutes long.

In your weather, Gauteng will be partly cloudy with a 50% chance for thunderstorms. Or not, we really don't know. The Free State is expected to be sunny and warm with maximum temperatures of 35 degrees, which means in all likelihood it will be raining the entire day. Durban will be fantastic, as usual, until the Gautengers all get there, then it will rain the entire time. Cape Town will be sunny and warm, except for the ocean temperatures which will be so cold that even the fish avoid it.

And that was your news at 4. News headlines will follow at 4:30, once I've reapplied my makeup and flirted outrageously with the director.

Meeting in the Woods

 A young man was out for a walk in the woods near his house. He loved the stillness and the solitude, the fact that no-one was around to disturb him or interrupt him. The woods calmed him, soothed him and made him feel at one with nature. Birds were singing, bees were buzzing and there was the damp smell of the previous evening's rain permeating the air. It was a beautiful morning!

Suddenly he spotted a figure resting against a tree. He was about to turn and look for another route, eager not to be disturbed, when he noticed the slender feminine silhouette. Curiosity got the better of him and so he continued on. He tread softly so as not to disturb her, wondering why she was out in the woods by herself.

"Perhaps she is out here for the same reasons I am," he thought to himself.

Slowly he walked towards her, seeing more detail as he approached. He was struck by her beauty. Her skin was pale and smooth, her hair raven-black. He could see that she was lost in thought and had not noticed him. His heart started pounding in his chest and he felt breathless. Her beauty was astonishing!

Once he got close enough, he cleared his throat gently to get her attention. She looked over at him in surprise and he noticed her deep brown eyes. He smiled shyly and walked over to her.

"Hi," he muttered, ashamed by how shaky his voice sounded.

"Hello there," she answered, her husky voice sounding exactly how he had pictured it in his mind. 

Deciding to be charming he asked her "Why so lonely, cutie?"

She looked at him, mesmerizing him with her eyes. Her smile seemed to light up the woods around them. He breathlessly awaited her reply. Finally, after a few seconds, she answered.....

"I came here to fart......."

The Cowboy

A cowboy once rode into a small and dusty town in the old west. Tired, hot and thirsty he spotted a saloon and stopped for a drink. He gave a sigh of relief as he walked into the cool shade and sat down on one of the barstools.

"Gimme a beer there, partner." he ask the barman. The barman said nothing as he eyed the stranger while filling up a mug with cold, frosty beer. The cowboy closed his eyes with pleasure as he took a long pull from the mug.

The locals in the saloon were watching the cowboy, trying to interpret his intentions. Who was he? Where did he come from? Why was he here? There was a murmur of muted conversation as they tried to guess where the cowboy had come from. It wasn't long before one of the locals quietly slipped out of the door while the cowboy wasn't looking.

The cowboy finished his drink, paid his bill and wandered back into the noonday heat. It wasn't long before he came back inside, standing just inside the door and eyeing the locals suspiciously. In a swift motion he grabbed his gun, flipped it up into the air, caught it without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled, startling everyone with the force of his voice. No-one dared look at him, or volunteer any information as to where his horse could be.

"Alright then, I am going to sit myself down, have another beer and when I am done I am going to go outside. If my horse ain't back I am going to have to do what I done in Texas. And believe me, I don't want to have to do what I done in Texas!" the cowboy said, walking back to the bar.

The barman handed the cowboy another beer and the cowboy drank it slowly, not saying a word. The tension in the room grew as the cowboy finally emptied his mug, paid the barman and stood up, piercing the locals with his angry stare.

He walked outside and, sure enough, his horse was back, tied to the same post where he left it. The barman wandered outside while the cowboy was saddling up.

"Say partner, before you leave, I need to know, when your horse was stolen in Texas, what did you do?" the barman asked the cowboy.

The cowboy threw him a sidelong glance and said "I had to walk home." 

A Tale of a Traveler

 There once was a man on a long journey. It was getting dark when suddenly his car started spluttering and eventually died. Slowly he coasted to a halt by the side of the road and sat behind the wheel, shoulders slumped in despair. Realising that he had no food and nowhere to spend the night, he locked his car and started walking down the road. Hours went by as he walked, the wind picked up, the night became cold and a light drizzle started falling. 

"Why me? Why now?" he thought in despair. 

But then he noticed a light in the darkness. He stumbled on until he reached a small building. After knocking on the door he was surprise when, after a few seconds, a monk opened up. 

"What can I do for you, my son?" the monk asked politely.

"Please, my car broke down, I've been walking for hours, I'm cold and hungry and I need to find a place to sleep for the evening. Please help me." the man begged.

"Unfortunately we cannot allow that, my son. We can provide you with some bread and water, but it is not allowed to have outsiders stay here." the monk replied.

"Please, I promise I will not be a burden to you. You can even just put me in a corner on a mattress and I won't disturb you at all." pleaded the man. 

The monk thought it over and eventually relented. The man was shown to a room and provided with food and water. Thanking the monk profusely the man ate hungrily and fell into an exhausted sleep. In the middle of the night he was woken up by a strange sound. It was a sound he had never heard before. The sound seemed to vibrate through the very walls and into his soul. He was fascinated by it! The following morning, after thanking the monk for his hospitality, the man asked the monk about the sound he had heard during the night.

"I'm afraid I cannot reveal the source of the sound to you, only monks are allowed to know. If you want to know the source of the sound, you will have to join our order and become a monk." said the monk.

 The man thought about it but decided that being a monk was not for him. Thanking the monk once more he departed.

Many years went by and the man carried on with his life, but the sound he had heard stayed with him. He tried reading about it in libraries and online, extensively researching the monk and his order. While there were many references to the sound, none offered any explanation as to its source. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore and returned to the monastery.

"Welcome back, my son, what can I do for you?" the monk asked after he had opened the door.

"Good sir, I have tried to carry on with my life, but that sound I heard the night I stayed here has lingered with me. I need to know the source. I wish to join your order and become a monk."

"Very well, my son." said the monk. 

For years the man studied the ancient texts and committed himself to learning everything there was to know about the order. One day, as he was meditating, the monk approached him.

"My son, you have shown your commitment to our order and you are ready to undertake your final tests. After these tests you may be led into our inner sanctum where the source of the sound will be revealed to you."

"Thank you, Sir. I am ready. What do I need to do?" the man asked.

"First, you must prove your patience by remaining still until the Brown Flutterer rests upon you. Secondly, you must prove your endurance by finding the Peak of Golden Light. Lastly, you must prove your courage by crossing the Great Divide while blindfolded. I must warn you, very few of our order have accomplished all three these tasks."

"I am ready, Sir. No matter the challenge I must finally know the source of the sound. I have devoted my life to it!" the man replied.

So for a week the man sat in the courtyard, not eating nor drinking, meditating unmovingly until one day a large brown butterfly fluttered around him and finally settled on his shoulder.

"Your first task is complete, my son." said the monk. "Rest now for your next task starts in a few days."

After a few days the man set off. For months he traveled until one day he reached the summit of a great mountain, just as the sun was rising. He reveled in the warm, golden light. Spending the day and the night on the summit, he set off on his long journey back to the monastery the next morning.

"Your second task is complete, my son." said the monk after the man had returned. "Rest now for tomorrow you will face your final task."

The following day the monk led the man to a massive canyon over which a rope hung from one side to the other. After the man was blindfolded he carefully made his way onto the rope. Slowly he started making his way across, almost losing his balance a few times. After a few harrowing minutes he finally felt solid ground under his feet. He removed the blindfold and slumped to the ground, bathed in perspiration.

Once they had returned to the monastery, the monk turned to the man and said; "Well done, my son. You have completed all three great tasks. You are ready to be led into the inner sanctum and have the source of the sound revealed to you. Rest now, for tomorrow it will all be revealed.

The man slept fitfully, tossing and turning, eager to finally know the source of the sound that had so taken over his life. The following morning the monk came to fetch him. Leading him deep underground, following a path carved from the very rock of the earth, they finally reached a thick solid door. The monk took a large, golden key from his pocket and inserted it into the lock. With a massive metallic THUNK the door was unlocked. The monk slowly opened it and finally the man saw it, the source of the sound, the very thing that had changed his life. With his mouth hanging open in awe, he entered the room and looked upon the.......

 

Life Hacks

 Let's face it, in today's day and age, life can get pretty tough. From depressing news stories and natural disasters to global pandemics and mind-boggling politics, we often don't know how to deal with everyday things. But fear not, for I have scoured the internet in search of ways to make our lives simpler. So, without further ado, I present to you Life Hacks to Make Things Easier!

1. When buying a nightstand or cabinet that you have to assemble yourself, simply keep it in the box and use the box as the nightstand instead.

2. Never be sad while on vacation. Cry during work hours. That way you get paid for it!

3. When living with a messy roommate, pretend to be a hot girl on Tinder and match with him so you can tell him you are coming over and have him clean the apartment.

4. If your milk is about to expire but you still have a lot left, but it in a container that has no printed expiry date to make it last longer.

5. When going to the gym, don't lift the large weights, lift the small ones. They are much lighter and easier to lift.

6. Why cook food in an oven at 180 degrees for 40 minutes when you can save time by cooking it at 14 000 degrees for 1 minute.

7. When you are getting married, send invitations to all the billionaires you can reach. You have a 50/50 chance that their assistants will send you a perfunctory gift because they don't know who the hell you are but don't want to take the risk that you are someone important.

8. If you get bitten by a shark, bite it back. You will most likely still die but the shark will have learned a valuable lesson.

9. If you feel alone on Valentine's Day, just watch a horror film with the lights off. After a few minutes you won't feel alone anymore.

10. If you don't have a smoke detector in your kitchen, hang a bag of unpopped popcorn from the ceiling. If you wake up to the sound of popcorn popping, you know to get out of the house.

11. Taking the veggies off of your double bacon cheeseburger will decrease the amount of calories consumed.

12. Download smaller viruses onto your computer to help it build immunity.

13. When you are on the couch with your partner watching TV and you feel like a snack, check if they have their phone with them. If they don't, secretly send a text to their phone with your order, they will get up to check the message and bring you back your snack.

14. Don't embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public. Be a man and walk over to him and zip it up for him slowly. Maintain eye contact throughout.

15. If cutting onions make you cry, wrap clingfilm around your head so the fumes can't get to you.

16. If you are being chased by a wild animal, fall to the ground. After 5 seconds it won't attack or eat you because of the 5 Second Rule.

17. Start every phone call with "My battery is almost dead." That way you can hang up whenever you want to.

18. If you don't want your bananas to go off, hang them from the ceiling on a hangar to make them think they are still on the tree.

19. If someone offers you a potato chip, sneeze in the bag to make them give you the rest as well.

20. When in line at the ATM, gently kiss the person in front of you on the neck so they know you are not a threat.

Consequences

 So this morning while having my breakfast and gazing out the window, I started thinking about consequences. How a word said in anger can linger, how a moment of kindness during a time of darkness can have a major impact and how a guy eating a bat in China can shut down the planet. And let's face it, we all feel the consequences of that guy's actions! Businesses have had to close, people have lost jobs, we all have to walk around looking like we are about to perform surgery or rob a bank, rubbing our hands together in nefarious fashion because we are constantly sanitizing everything. The world has been turned upside down! Governments have all had to deal with the fallout of that one guy's unusual lunch (I mean, I have eaten some strange things but bats have never been on my To Eat list) and some governments are handling it better than others.

Measures have been put in place to prevent the spread of this dreaded virus. We have to practice social distancing, because being in close proximity to each other can spread the virus. That is why all beaches, whether it be next to the sea, next to a river or next to a dam, have had to close. But minibus taxis can still operate at 100% carrying capacity. And, because we all know how minibus taxi drivers think, that usually means the taxi is overfilled with people sitting on top of other people. Last year the sale of cigarettes was banned because.......um........well.......because........I actually have no idea. Smoking is bad for you and thus cigarettes are bad for you and there's this virus and it is transmitted by smoking, no wait. It is transmitted by being in close proximity to others. So cigarettes were banned just because. Which even to a non-smoker like me, made no sense. The country lost out on a major form of revenue because of the ban on cigarettes.

Which brings me to my next point. The ban on the sale of alcohol. And not a gradual ban in order to give store owners time to prepare. Nope! The president speaks and bam! All alcohol banned! With immediate effect. Workers who work in liquor stores basically being told not to report for work, with no time to prepare. Because alcohol spreads the virus. No, wait. It causes people to act stupid and thus cause accidents, which cause them to have to be taken to hospital, but the hospitals are now exclusively reserved for Covid patients. No other illness really matters. And I do understand the reasoning behind this, even if it is very grade 1 reasoning. But again, it is costing restaurant owners money, it is costing liquor store owners money and the country is again losing out on a major revenue stream. While I do acknowledge that alcohol, when abused, can cause great damage and suffering, shutting down the industry seems like a desperate move, one that was not well thought out. I would suggest rather strictly monitoring the use of alcohol and coming down like an anvil on anyone caught driving while under the influence. But instead the police are so busy cracking down on the sale of illegal alcohol, monitoring the beaches and enforcing the curfew that other crimes seem to slip under the radar.

In conclusion, I have to admit that we are living in crazy times that make no sense. And as someone who works in IT I am very disappointed that, when the new strain of the virus was discovered, it wasn't called Covid 19.1. But hey, while it is true that the world is going nuts, you woke up this morning. You took a breath when someone else was blowing out their last. You are alive and hopefully well. In these uncertain times, just remember to count your blessings, great and small. Things could be a lot worse.....

Never a Dull Moment

 Let's face it, 2020 will go down in history as the year most people would like to forget. There were too many catastrophes to name, but the biggest was undoubtedly the Covid-19 epidemic. Killing millions, forcing entire countries to shut down, calling it unpleasant was like saying Atlantis had a water problem. Thousands of people lost their income and many businesses had to close down. One of those businesses was my beloved and I's favourite watering hole. So after lockdown ended, and after the appropriate period of mourning, we decided to try out the pub that had opened in its place. And boy, were we in for an interesting experience!

 After we settled at our table and ordered some drinks, we noticed a couple at the adjacent table gazing longingly into each other's eyes while talking softly and holding hands. And because it was a pub, the fact that they were slightly inebriated wasn't really that surprising. Because our waiter was under the impression that service is something that happens to other people and not actually something he was supposed to provide, we had ample time to observe this loving couple getting more and more excited about the prospect of being in each other's company.

After a while the lady decided that sitting opposite the object of her affection was so 5 minutes ago and moved onto the bench next to her squeeze. There they continued with their soft talking and gazing deep into each other's eyes. At that point our waiter suddenly came to the shocking realization that he should probably ask us what we'd like to eat and appeared at our table. After we placed our orders and the waiter scurried away to presumably ignore us some more, we were shocked to see that the lady at the table next to us had stopped being affectionate and was now softly sobbing, with the guy trying to console her. By this time, most of the other patrons of the restaurant had started giving this couple's table sneak peeks. 

My beloved and I left them to their drama and conversation carried on as normal for a while. At some point movement at the couple's table caught my eye and lo, merriment had been restored. They were once again laughing and the quest to find hidden meaning in their partner's eyes had resumed. It would have been fine if that is where it stayed, but either their drinks were amazing or the atmosphere just sparked a fire in their loins because they started passionately exploring each other's tonsils. Now this in itself is a bit awkward, but when she then started fondling his goods through his trousers, and he stuck his hand into her trousers in order to better explore its contents, it became downright weird. This mutual genital exploration got even more heated when, without even coming up for air, she climbed onto his lap. By this time people had stopped eating and were outright staring. Some were even filming this bizarre display of what can only be called clothed copulation. 

This went on for a few minutes until they realized that this would probably be the furthest that they could go in a restaurant full of staring people and they thankfully requested the bill. Every eye in the establishment followed them as they made their way to the door in an unsteady fashion, her because she had had quite a bit to drink and him because his trousers were not quite fitting anymore. They were even under surveillance as they made their way to their cars, still groping each other. Thankfully after they had driven off, things finally returned to normal. As dining experiences go, this one will probably not be quickly forgotten......

The Powderkeg

Once again the political situation in South Africa has forced me to dust off my opinions about the state of affairs in our troubled country. Since my last post things have, astoundingly, gotten even worse. Whereas in my previous post I likened the ruling party to a group of chimpanzees playing with hand grenades, I fear the situation is more dire than that. The entire country is a room full of stored powderkegs and the ruling party is like a man groping in the dark in that room burning match after match with no concern for his surroundings to try and find his way out. Eventually there will be a rather large and impressive explosion.

The ruling party's inability to do anything about farm murders, or just their complete indifference about it, has already caused major problems in one of the provinces of our beloved country. Their willingness to turn a blind eye to blatant corruption, while constantly saying "Yah, we'll get to it." has caused thousands of workers to go on strike in an attempt to speed up the process. Before writing this post I decided to look up the meaning of the word politics. It is defined as the set of activities that are associated with making decisions in groups, or other forms of power relations between individuals, such as the distribution of resources or status. The ruling party got stuck on the "distribution of resources" part and thought to themselves "Ah, this means we get all the resources" without realising, or caring, that the country requires some as well.

If our political landscape is like a classroom, the ANC is the shifty kid that steals your pencil and lunch money when you aren't looking, the DA is the kid who tattles on everything that everyone else is doing wrong without doing anything further about it themselves, the EFF is the class bully that just causes chaos and disruption and the rest of the political parties are just there, not really having any impact.

I fear for the future of our country. The phrase "the rich get richer and the poor get poorer" has never applied so perfectly. Because of the rampant corruption in government, and the fact that it is causing more and more job losses, the crime levels are sky high. People are resorting to progressively violent means, just to get an income. And the victims of those crimes are getting fed up with it and taking the law into their own hands. In essence, we've gone back to the middle ages. The ruling class sit upon their thrones, safely ensconced in their castles while peasants wage war on each other just to survive. But, as the middle ages have demonstrated time and again, there will come a time where the peasants will unite and the king will lose his head....

When the Clowns Run the Circus

I make a point of not writing about politics very often. This is because so many other people are doing it and also because I don't feel like depressing myself on a regular basis. But recent events have driven me to wonder about the leadership of our country. Normally, when faced with a devastating global pandemic, a country's government would try its absolute best to preserve the economy while also dealing with the disease itself. But our government's actions lately have left me with but one facial expression:

If the smooth and efficient running of a country is likened to the cogs of a well-oiled machine being exquisitely maintained by an experienced and precise group of engineers, then the intellectual giants running South Africa are akin to immature chimpanzees playing with hand grenades. Sooner or later one is going to find a pin, extract it thinking it the best thing ever and then be extremely surprised when it finds itself spread all over the playground. 

I'm convinced that the powers that be in this country develop selective amnesia when it comes to handling funds that are earmarked for Covid relief. Funds get allocated and immediately spent on personal endeavors because "Money! Yay!" Corruption is at an all-time high because self-enrichment is more important than dealing with economic fallout. 

Another example of the major intelligence of those in power is the ban on cigarettes and alcohol. While I don't smoke and only on occasion enjoy a drink, I still don't get why this ban was implemented. The sales of cigarettes and alcohol boost the economy in a big way. The massive financial losses incurred by this ban boggles the mind! The loss of income for restaurants, wine farms, pubs, liquor stores, micro-breweries etc is catastrophic. Many establishments that have been open for decades have been forced to close due to overheads and low income. Thousands upon thousands have lost their jobs because their employers can't afford to pay them.

When asked about its rather unique and inexplicable decision making, the government always responds with things that just don't make sense. Some of the ministers have even resorted to pulling out and dusting off the trusty Apartheid-argument when addressing shortcomings in the economy. I'm convinced that one of these days they'll blame the fact that the sky is blue or the existence of Casper de Vries for the continued financial decline in South Africa, because that is how much thought they are currently putting into their responses. 

Please bear with me while I mangle another metaphor, but currently the ANC is like the big guy in the back of the class who likes joking around and bullying the smaller kids around him. For the time being everyone grudgingly puts up with him in the hope that sooner or later the teacher will walk to the rear of the class and smack him against the head with a ruler. While everyone is afraid of taking matters into their own hands for the time being, that time is coming. A bully only gets away with it for so long...

Beware of the Bears

Recently, while browsing through my normal news and social sites, I came across a bit of a hidden gem. People have been posting reviews on Amazon after purchasing some sugar free gummy bears and experiencing some interesting effects after consuming them. These reviews rival the best comedic geniuses so I thought I would share some with you.

As posted by Jason Ellenburg:

"To preface this, I will state that it is not good to upset anyone in the military supply network. This is especially true for a supply NCO (non-commisioned officer) who can be both creative and vindictive to those who earn his ire.

One of my biggest pet peeves was troopies who walked into my supply room and decided to go through things on my counter or desk. It is for this reason that I purchased two bags of these sweet little revenge snacks.

I briefed my minions that morning that the snacks were to be unsullied by their hands. I told them that I would know and it would not go unpunished by both myself and the higher powers. They thought I was joking, but decided to not test my authority before my eyes.

With that said, I placed the bowl on the back part of the counter just in reach of anyone loitering inside my supply room. The rules were posted for all to see when they came in. So, they were warned. A large sign that said, "If you touch my stuff, you will be punished." They decided to test me, I guess.

On this weekend, we were set to do general cleaning and maintenance withing the Battalion. So, my desk was rather busy (Battalion Headquarters supply room). I was in and out of my office all day. However, I made sure to take general measurements of my bowl of horror every time I came back.

Shortly before lunch, my unholy wrath began to strike. My supply room is one door down from the latrines and the row of male commodes is on the other side of the wall from my desk. It was the first, but was not the last.

It was initially heralded by the sound of Gabriel's trumpet escaping the sphincter of one poor soul. He hit the latrine and sounded as if he kicked the stall door open. For the next thirty minutes, I listened to the sounds of a live humpback whale being butchered by a blind man wielding a chainsaw.

It was not long before another troop, this time a female, made her way to the latrine. She came from the indoor pistol range and had to cross in front of my door. I saw a pale woman with sweat streaking her face. She was hobbling with on hand on the wall for support and the other on her stomach praying for just a little more time.

For lunch, I ripped into an MRE (the Army brown bag lunch) and listened to the ever-growing chorus of those who had so far snuck down half of my bowl of brightly-colored Improvised Colon Explosive Devices. I was not sure if the other side of the building was seeing the same activity in the latrines, but the smell reached my door by the end of lunch. Good thing I was stationed with an Infantry unit for the first four years of my career, so I was accustomed to bad odors.

One of my minions did not return from lunch, so I volunteered another to perform a possibly suicidal scouting mission into the male latrine in search of my wayward soul. He was there, and had been since the beginning of lunch.

By 3PM, I was told that the unit was being locked down and there was an emergency meeting in the Battalion briefing room. I had a suspicion of the reason, but attended as I was ordered to do so. By this time my bowl of gelatinous bowel howitzer ammunition was one quarter filled.

The meeting began slightly off schedule. At 15:22, the Sergeant Major walked into the room and looked as if he had just performed a three-day combat operation without sleep. The Battalion X.O. walked in not long after and looked as if he had been intimately assaulted by a rather insistent horse. I used all of my military bearing to keep from cracking a joke about cavalry officers walking bow-legged.

The Battalion Surgeon walked in and told us that there was a high chance that the unit had come in contact with a strange stomach bug. Roughly half of the battalion was complaining of stomach cramps and explosive diarrhea. It seem to mostly be affecting HHC (the headquarters) and C Co. ( the company that was on the same side of the building as us - also the medics). Until symptoms cleared up, the unit was in lock-down and cleaning mode.

I went back to my supply room with the intent to bag up the remaining evidence of my involvement only to find that the bowl was missing. My minions were too wrapped up to notice anything, though. So, I began a search for the evidence that would probably land me in front of a firing squad.

The empty bowl was located in the admin office. Someone found it and decided to liberate it from my supply room for the only group that I didn't want to upset. But, they had already consumed the remainder of the biological weapons. As I left with the bowl, I heard the familiar sound of incoming fire from the senior pay clerk's desk, followed shortly after by what sounded like Lamaze breathing.

That weekend, the entire building was cleaned from one side to the other. MREs were consumed in the hopes of plugging the torrential flood of liquid terror and every door and window was opened with fans going over a cup of pinesol in every room. Three-quarters of the enlisted and half of the officers were hit with the mystery stomach bug and the medical supply room was in desperate need of more I.V. kits.

I don't know if my message got across, but it was definitely an entertaining weekend."

To read the rest of the hysterical reviews, please click here.

The Alien Report - Part 2

Mandalosian Star Command
Incident Report - Sub-Commander FhxlG'Tul

Subject - IGO-3 (Known to its inhabitants as Earth)

It is with great regret that I have to report a large setback in our primary mission. As you are aware, we are observing human life on IGO-3, and have been for some time, in order to see if first contact between our people and the human population will be possible. After reviewing all data the decision was made by Star Command to attempt a gradual approach to revealing ourselves to the humans, despite my initial report stating that more time was needed. As ordered, a gift package was prepared containing some examples of our poetry, languages and culture. It was to be sent to a large colourless structure referred to by the humans as the White House. The person residing there, called the president, seems to believe that he is in control of the world. While we doubt this claim, we thought that we might as well attempt first contact there as, in most of Earth's visually recorded media (called movies), all alien first contacts seem to happen in America.

The Incident

After the gift package was prepared, Sub-Servant Ntgr'Dum was assigned to launch it. Unfortunately, the imbecile instead launched a pod containing some of our Mandalosian Tree Spice, used to flavour our nutrient packs. He realised his error very quickly but, in his haste to attempt to turn the pod around, all he managed to do was send it wildly off course. It landed in a city called Wuhan, a densely populated city in a country referred to as China. We hoped to send a team down to covertly recover it but it was discovered quite quickly. Unfortunately it seems that our Tree Spice is not compatible with human physiology.

The Effects

For reasons unknown to us, the Spice seems to cause severe illness in humans. And, even more bizarrely, it seems that the illness is highly contagious. The humans are referring to it as the Coronavirus, or Covid-19. Its symptoms resemble those of an existing human virus called the flu, which affects their respiratory systems. From what we have observed, the symptoms are as follows:

• a build-up of mucus, which leaks from their nasal passages
• this build-up causes loss of smell and taste
• a dramatic increase in overall body temperature
• this temperature increase causes them to leak moisture. It appears to be their body's way of attempting to cool itself down
• they also start making strange noises, referred to by them as coughing and sneezing
• this causes mucus and saliva to be propelled from their bodies at great velocity. This is apparently how the virus is spread.
  
• in those with a weakened immune system, it can result in death

The various countries on the planet quickly put strict bans on travel and commerce in place in an attempt to slow the spread of this disease. It has had a very negative impact on the global economy. It would appear then that, while we had the best of intentions, due to the actions of one unforgivably stupid individual, we may have broken their society. I therefore request further instructions from Star Command, both on how to attempt to repair this disaster and on how to punish Sub-Servant Ntgr'Dum. Our normal punishment of simply blowing him out of an airlock and vaporising him with our cannons seems a bit light in view of the chaos he has caused. There have been talks of simply beaming him down to the surface, to the original intended destination, with a big sign around his neck saying 'I caused the Coronavirus' and having the human population deal with him. As always, I await your response.

Shower Time

Many a text on loving relationships speak of spending time together. Whether by watching movies or series together, sharing meals or just simply sitting and the couch and chatting, quality time is essential. But quite a lot of those texts also mention showering together to build intimacy. And let's be honest, soaping each other up in the shower can get quite exciting! But often times the fantasy that you, as the man, have built up in your head gets a rude awakening when reality sets in. Why is this, you ask? It is quite simple. Women love to shower in water hot enough to cook rice in!

Don't get me wrong, I love a nice steamy shower as much as anyone! But there is a marked difference between my idea of hot and my beloved's idea of hot. I always thought that a hot shower meant steamy water shooting down from the shower head like a refreshing, albeit quite warm, summer rain, soothing and relaxing. The temperature that my beloved tolerates, and prefers, I always considered reserved for boiling pasta. And I am not alone in this. I've read many an article about women preferring temperatures that men would consider absurd!

So why is it that women like hot showers? And by hot I mean bordering on the gates of hell hot. I'm convinced that the reason the metal shower head doesn't glow red by the time my beloved is done is down to the fact that there is so much moisture generated by the steam that it is cooled slightly. I once decided to try a shower at temperatures that she would find acceptable. After just a few minutes, honestly as much as I could tolerate, I got out of the shower looking like I had just vacationed naked in the Nevada desert with no sunscreen. It took a very long time for me to return from a deep scarlet to my normal skin colour. In fact, I had to spend some time in front of our high velocity fan just to achieve maximum cooling.

There are many theories as to why women prefer a regular dousing in lava. Some say that women tend to lose body heat faster than men, others say it is down to hormones, yet others say it is a biological need to store up heat for cold times. Whatever the actual reason, I have my own theory. I think it is simply down to this; women can tolerate a lot more physically than can men. As men we don't have to have cramps for 7 days out of each month, we don't need to carry the weight of a developing watermelon for 9 months, and we certainly don't need to then try and squeeze said watermelon out of our private parts. Let's face it guys, when it comes to tough, we have a lot to learn.....

Pun Intended

In today's tumultuous world filled with stories of deadly diseases, natural distasters (I'm looking at you, ANC), civil unrest and the like, often our only way of staying sane is with laughter. Although going cross-eyed and cackling to yourself might not quite be the answer. But everyone enjoys a good joke or a clever pun. You either get a good laugh, a small chuckle or an awkward silence as everyone in the room contemplates moving to another province and changing their name to get away from you. Not that I am speaking from experience. I think. But anyway, I recently came across some jokes that I thought I'd share with you. Perhaps it will brighten up your day. Or cause you to start packing. Either way, I hope you enjoy.....

1. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out, had a few drinks. He's a nice guy, wants to be a web designer.

2. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 18 siblings but they don't know either.

3. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

4. My son was spending too much time playing computer games so I said "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." He considered this for a moment and then replied "Dad, when he was your age he was the President of the United States."

5. Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should liven up the cremation considerably!

6. I'm reading a horror novel in Braille. Something terrible is going to happen. I can feel it!

7. What starts with "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry? Opinions.

8. My roommate says our house is haunted. But I have lived here for 300 years and never noticed anything unusual.

 9. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. So she hugged me.

10. Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can't C in the dark.

11. I'm giving up drinking for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.

12. Yesterday I was washing the car with my son. He asked me "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

13. I was wondering why a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.

14. People are usually shocked when they find out that I am not a good electrician.

15. I tripped over my wife's bra. It was a booby trap.

16. I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs, they dig, we dig. It is not a beautiful poem but it is deep.

17. I just saw an idiot at the gym. He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

18. As I get older I remember all the people that I have lost along the way and I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

19. To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

20. My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on charges of being good in bed. 2 minutes later all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

21. A guy came up to me and said "Man, your clothes are so gay!" I told him "I know, they came out of the closet this morning."

22. I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked. I don't know what terrified him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.

23. I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!

24. What is blue and doesn't weigh much? Light blue.

25. As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "Son, you know one would have been enough."