24 Blackbirds Baked in a Pie

Recently a friend commented that, after a night of serious drinking, there is nothing as filling and delicious as a pie bought at a petrol station. I found this statement to be rather ludicrous, as at that time I am rather certain that your brain, which is by now floating in various types of liquor, would hardly be capable of giving a valid opinion. With that in mind I have purchased some of these pies while sober and, after forcing down something that is rather greasy and that is definitely lying about its contents, I begin to understand why you would want to consume large amounts of alcohol first. Just as one gets beer goggles which allow even the largest member of the opposite sex to suddenly turn into a supermodel, you also get pie goggles which accomplish the same with an ancient petrol station pastry.

Now I understand that you can purchase pies which are a bit more reputable, such as those sold by London Pie Company (whose Cornish pies are divine), King Pie and quite a few bakeries, but at the time of night that most folks finish punishing their livers, none of those establishments are open. In trying to understand why pies have reached the status of post-booze lifesavers, I happened upon whole websites dedicated to the humble pastry that we take for granted. There is a site that has pages upon pages of quotes featuring the pie. I thought I would share a few:

“We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.”

“A cherry pie is . . . ephemeral. From the moment it emerges from the oven it begins a steep decline: from too hot to edible to cold to stale to mouldy, and finally to a post-pie state where only history can tell you that it was once considered food. The pie is a parable of human life.”

“America has developed a pie tradition unequivocally and unapologetically at the sweet end of the scale, and at no time is this better demonstrated than at Thanksgiving.”

“We have been careless with our pie repertoire. The demise of apple-pear pie with figs and saffron and orengeado pies are tragic losses.”

“In his bachelor's heart of hearts, he loved pie with an intensity that alarmed him. Yet, when he was offered seconds, he usually refused. "Wouldn't you like another piece of this nice coconut pie, Father?" he might be asked. "No, I don't believe I'd care for anymore," he'd say. An outright lie!”

“It could be argued that there is an element of entertainment in every pie, as every pie is inherently a surprise by virtue of its crust.”

So it appears that this simple yet delicious pastry has a massive worldwide following. So it seems only fitting that I end this post with a quote by one of my all-time favourite authors, Terry Pratchett, about the pie (among other things). It is from his Discworld novel The Last Continent, and if you have never read it, I urge you to do so!

"There is such thing as an edible, nay delicious, meat pie floater, its mushy peas of just the right consistency, its tomato sauce piquant in its cheekiness, its pie filling tending even towards named parts of the animal. There are platonic burgers made of beef instead of cow lips and hooves. There are fish ‘n’ chips where the fish is more than just a white goo lurking at the bottom of a batter casing and you can’t use the chips to shave with. There are hot dog fillings which have more in common with meat than mere pinkness, whose lucky consumers don’t apply mustard because that would spoil the taste. It’s just that people can be trained to prefer the other sort, and seek it out. It’s as if Machiavelli had written a cookery book.

Even so, there is no excuse for putting pineapple on pizza."