Life Hacks

 Let's face it, in today's day and age, life can get pretty tough. From depressing news stories and natural disasters to global pandemics and mind-boggling politics, we often don't know how to deal with everyday things. But fear not, for I have scoured the internet in search of ways to make our lives simpler. So, without further ado, I present to you Life Hacks to Make Things Easier!

1. When buying a nightstand or cabinet that you have to assemble yourself, simply keep it in the box and use the box as the nightstand instead.

2. Never be sad while on vacation. Cry during work hours. That way you get paid for it!

3. When living with a messy roommate, pretend to be a hot girl on Tinder and match with him so you can tell him you are coming over and have him clean the apartment.

4. If your milk is about to expire but you still have a lot left, but it in a container that has no printed expiry date to make it last longer.

5. When going to the gym, don't lift the large weights, lift the small ones. They are much lighter and easier to lift.

6. Why cook food in an oven at 180 degrees for 40 minutes when you can save time by cooking it at 14 000 degrees for 1 minute.

7. When you are getting married, send invitations to all the billionaires you can reach. You have a 50/50 chance that their assistants will send you a perfunctory gift because they don't know who the hell you are but don't want to take the risk that you are someone important.

8. If you get bitten by a shark, bite it back. You will most likely still die but the shark will have learned a valuable lesson.

9. If you feel alone on Valentine's Day, just watch a horror film with the lights off. After a few minutes you won't feel alone anymore.

10. If you don't have a smoke detector in your kitchen, hang a bag of unpopped popcorn from the ceiling. If you wake up to the sound of popcorn popping, you know to get out of the house.

11. Taking the veggies off of your double bacon cheeseburger will decrease the amount of calories consumed.

12. Download smaller viruses onto your computer to help it build immunity.

13. When you are on the couch with your partner watching TV and you feel like a snack, check if they have their phone with them. If they don't, secretly send a text to their phone with your order, they will get up to check the message and bring you back your snack.

14. Don't embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public. Be a man and walk over to him and zip it up for him slowly. Maintain eye contact throughout.

15. If cutting onions make you cry, wrap clingfilm around your head so the fumes can't get to you.

16. If you are being chased by a wild animal, fall to the ground. After 5 seconds it won't attack or eat you because of the 5 Second Rule.

17. Start every phone call with "My battery is almost dead." That way you can hang up whenever you want to.

18. If you don't want your bananas to go off, hang them from the ceiling on a hangar to make them think they are still on the tree.

19. If someone offers you a potato chip, sneeze in the bag to make them give you the rest as well.

20. When in line at the ATM, gently kiss the person in front of you on the neck so they know you are not a threat.

Consequences

 So this morning while having my breakfast and gazing out the window, I started thinking about consequences. How a word said in anger can linger, how a moment of kindness during a time of darkness can have a major impact and how a guy eating a bat in China can shut down the planet. And let's face it, we all feel the consequences of that guy's actions! Businesses have had to close, people have lost jobs, we all have to walk around looking like we are about to perform surgery or rob a bank, rubbing our hands together in nefarious fashion because we are constantly sanitizing everything. The world has been turned upside down! Governments have all had to deal with the fallout of that one guy's unusual lunch (I mean, I have eaten some strange things but bats have never been on my To Eat list) and some governments are handling it better than others.

Measures have been put in place to prevent the spread of this dreaded virus. We have to practice social distancing, because being in close proximity to each other can spread the virus. That is why all beaches, whether it be next to the sea, next to a river or next to a dam, have had to close. But minibus taxis can still operate at 100% carrying capacity. And, because we all know how minibus taxi drivers think, that usually means the taxi is overfilled with people sitting on top of other people. Last year the sale of cigarettes was banned because.......um........well.......because........I actually have no idea. Smoking is bad for you and thus cigarettes are bad for you and there's this virus and it is transmitted by smoking, no wait. It is transmitted by being in close proximity to others. So cigarettes were banned just because. Which even to a non-smoker like me, made no sense. The country lost out on a major form of revenue because of the ban on cigarettes.

Which brings me to my next point. The ban on the sale of alcohol. And not a gradual ban in order to give store owners time to prepare. Nope! The president speaks and bam! All alcohol banned! With immediate effect. Workers who work in liquor stores basically being told not to report for work, with no time to prepare. Because alcohol spreads the virus. No, wait. It causes people to act stupid and thus cause accidents, which cause them to have to be taken to hospital, but the hospitals are now exclusively reserved for Covid patients. No other illness really matters. And I do understand the reasoning behind this, even if it is very grade 1 reasoning. But again, it is costing restaurant owners money, it is costing liquor store owners money and the country is again losing out on a major revenue stream. While I do acknowledge that alcohol, when abused, can cause great damage and suffering, shutting down the industry seems like a desperate move, one that was not well thought out. I would suggest rather strictly monitoring the use of alcohol and coming down like an anvil on anyone caught driving while under the influence. But instead the police are so busy cracking down on the sale of illegal alcohol, monitoring the beaches and enforcing the curfew that other crimes seem to slip under the radar.

In conclusion, I have to admit that we are living in crazy times that make no sense. And as someone who works in IT I am very disappointed that, when the new strain of the virus was discovered, it wasn't called Covid 19.1. But hey, while it is true that the world is going nuts, you woke up this morning. You took a breath when someone else was blowing out their last. You are alive and hopefully well. In these uncertain times, just remember to count your blessings, great and small. Things could be a lot worse.....

Never a Dull Moment

 Let's face it, 2020 will go down in history as the year most people would like to forget. There were too many catastrophes to name, but the biggest was undoubtedly the Covid-19 epidemic. Killing millions, forcing entire countries to shut down, calling it unpleasant was like saying Atlantis had a water problem. Thousands of people lost their income and many businesses had to close down. One of those businesses was my beloved and I's favourite watering hole. So after lockdown ended, and after the appropriate period of mourning, we decided to try out the pub that had opened in its place. And boy, were we in for an interesting experience!

 After we settled at our table and ordered some drinks, we noticed a couple at the adjacent table gazing longingly into each other's eyes while talking softly and holding hands. And because it was a pub, the fact that they were slightly inebriated wasn't really that surprising. Because our waiter was under the impression that service is something that happens to other people and not actually something he was supposed to provide, we had ample time to observe this loving couple getting more and more excited about the prospect of being in each other's company.

After a while the lady decided that sitting opposite the object of her affection was so 5 minutes ago and moved onto the bench next to her squeeze. There they continued with their soft talking and gazing deep into each other's eyes. At that point our waiter suddenly came to the shocking realization that he should probably ask us what we'd like to eat and appeared at our table. After we placed our orders and the waiter scurried away to presumably ignore us some more, we were shocked to see that the lady at the table next to us had stopped being affectionate and was now softly sobbing, with the guy trying to console her. By this time, most of the other patrons of the restaurant had started giving this couple's table sneak peeks. 

My beloved and I left them to their drama and conversation carried on as normal for a while. At some point movement at the couple's table caught my eye and lo, merriment had been restored. They were once again laughing and the quest to find hidden meaning in their partner's eyes had resumed. It would have been fine if that is where it stayed, but either their drinks were amazing or the atmosphere just sparked a fire in their loins because they started passionately exploring each other's tonsils. Now this in itself is a bit awkward, but when she then started fondling his goods through his trousers, and he stuck his hand into her trousers in order to better explore its contents, it became downright weird. This mutual genital exploration got even more heated when, without even coming up for air, she climbed onto his lap. By this time people had stopped eating and were outright staring. Some were even filming this bizarre display of what can only be called clothed copulation. 

This went on for a few minutes until they realized that this would probably be the furthest that they could go in a restaurant full of staring people and they thankfully requested the bill. Every eye in the establishment followed them as they made their way to the door in an unsteady fashion, her because she had had quite a bit to drink and him because his trousers were not quite fitting anymore. They were even under surveillance as they made their way to their cars, still groping each other. Thankfully after they had driven off, things finally returned to normal. As dining experiences go, this one will probably not be quickly forgotten......

The Powderkeg

Once again the political situation in South Africa has forced me to dust off my opinions about the state of affairs in our troubled country. Since my last post things have, astoundingly, gotten even worse. Whereas in my previous post I likened the ruling party to a group of chimpanzees playing with hand grenades, I fear the situation is more dire than that. The entire country is a room full of stored powderkegs and the ruling party is like a man groping in the dark in that room burning match after match with no concern for his surroundings to try and find his way out. Eventually there will be a rather large and impressive explosion.

The ruling party's inability to do anything about farm murders, or just their complete indifference about it, has already caused major problems in one of the provinces of our beloved country. Their willingness to turn a blind eye to blatant corruption, while constantly saying "Yah, we'll get to it." has caused thousands of workers to go on strike in an attempt to speed up the process. Before writing this post I decided to look up the meaning of the word politics. It is defined as the set of activities that are associated with making decisions in groups, or other forms of power relations between individuals, such as the distribution of resources or status. The ruling party got stuck on the "distribution of resources" part and thought to themselves "Ah, this means we get all the resources" without realising, or caring, that the country requires some as well.

If our political landscape is like a classroom, the ANC is the shifty kid that steals your pencil and lunch money when you aren't looking, the DA is the kid who tattles on everything that everyone else is doing wrong without doing anything further about it themselves, the EFF is the class bully that just causes chaos and disruption and the rest of the political parties are just there, not really having any impact.

I fear for the future of our country. The phrase "the rich get richer and the poor get poorer" has never applied so perfectly. Because of the rampant corruption in government, and the fact that it is causing more and more job losses, the crime levels are sky high. People are resorting to progressively violent means, just to get an income. And the victims of those crimes are getting fed up with it and taking the law into their own hands. In essence, we've gone back to the middle ages. The ruling class sit upon their thrones, safely ensconced in their castles while peasants wage war on each other just to survive. But, as the middle ages have demonstrated time and again, there will come a time where the peasants will unite and the king will lose his head....

When the Clowns Run the Circus

I make a point of not writing about politics very often. This is because so many other people are doing it and also because I don't feel like depressing myself on a regular basis. But recent events have driven me to wonder about the leadership of our country. Normally, when faced with a devastating global pandemic, a country's government would try its absolute best to preserve the economy while also dealing with the disease itself. But our government's actions lately have left me with but one facial expression:

If the smooth and efficient running of a country is likened to the cogs of a well-oiled machine being exquisitely maintained by an experienced and precise group of engineers, then the intellectual giants running South Africa are akin to immature chimpanzees playing with hand grenades. Sooner or later one is going to find a pin, extract it thinking it the best thing ever and then be extremely surprised when it finds itself spread all over the playground. 

I'm convinced that the powers that be in this country develop selective amnesia when it comes to handling funds that are earmarked for Covid relief. Funds get allocated and immediately spent on personal endeavors because "Money! Yay!" Corruption is at an all-time high because self-enrichment is more important than dealing with economic fallout. 

Another example of the major intelligence of those in power is the ban on cigarettes and alcohol. While I don't smoke and only on occasion enjoy a drink, I still don't get why this ban was implemented. The sales of cigarettes and alcohol boost the economy in a big way. The massive financial losses incurred by this ban boggles the mind! The loss of income for restaurants, wine farms, pubs, liquor stores, micro-breweries etc is catastrophic. Many establishments that have been open for decades have been forced to close due to overheads and low income. Thousands upon thousands have lost their jobs because their employers can't afford to pay them.

When asked about its rather unique and inexplicable decision making, the government always responds with things that just don't make sense. Some of the ministers have even resorted to pulling out and dusting off the trusty Apartheid-argument when addressing shortcomings in the economy. I'm convinced that one of these days they'll blame the fact that the sky is blue or the existence of Casper de Vries for the continued financial decline in South Africa, because that is how much thought they are currently putting into their responses. 

Please bear with me while I mangle another metaphor, but currently the ANC is like the big guy in the back of the class who likes joking around and bullying the smaller kids around him. For the time being everyone grudgingly puts up with him in the hope that sooner or later the teacher will walk to the rear of the class and smack him against the head with a ruler. While everyone is afraid of taking matters into their own hands for the time being, that time is coming. A bully only gets away with it for so long...

Beware of the Bears

Recently, while browsing through my normal news and social sites, I came across a bit of a hidden gem. People have been posting reviews on Amazon after purchasing some sugar free gummy bears and experiencing some interesting effects after consuming them. These reviews rival the best comedic geniuses so I thought I would share some with you.

As posted by Jason Ellenburg:

"To preface this, I will state that it is not good to upset anyone in the military supply network. This is especially true for a supply NCO (non-commisioned officer) who can be both creative and vindictive to those who earn his ire.

One of my biggest pet peeves was troopies who walked into my supply room and decided to go through things on my counter or desk. It is for this reason that I purchased two bags of these sweet little revenge snacks.

I briefed my minions that morning that the snacks were to be unsullied by their hands. I told them that I would know and it would not go unpunished by both myself and the higher powers. They thought I was joking, but decided to not test my authority before my eyes.

With that said, I placed the bowl on the back part of the counter just in reach of anyone loitering inside my supply room. The rules were posted for all to see when they came in. So, they were warned. A large sign that said, "If you touch my stuff, you will be punished." They decided to test me, I guess.

On this weekend, we were set to do general cleaning and maintenance withing the Battalion. So, my desk was rather busy (Battalion Headquarters supply room). I was in and out of my office all day. However, I made sure to take general measurements of my bowl of horror every time I came back.

Shortly before lunch, my unholy wrath began to strike. My supply room is one door down from the latrines and the row of male commodes is on the other side of the wall from my desk. It was the first, but was not the last.

It was initially heralded by the sound of Gabriel's trumpet escaping the sphincter of one poor soul. He hit the latrine and sounded as if he kicked the stall door open. For the next thirty minutes, I listened to the sounds of a live humpback whale being butchered by a blind man wielding a chainsaw.

It was not long before another troop, this time a female, made her way to the latrine. She came from the indoor pistol range and had to cross in front of my door. I saw a pale woman with sweat streaking her face. She was hobbling with on hand on the wall for support and the other on her stomach praying for just a little more time.

For lunch, I ripped into an MRE (the Army brown bag lunch) and listened to the ever-growing chorus of those who had so far snuck down half of my bowl of brightly-colored Improvised Colon Explosive Devices. I was not sure if the other side of the building was seeing the same activity in the latrines, but the smell reached my door by the end of lunch. Good thing I was stationed with an Infantry unit for the first four years of my career, so I was accustomed to bad odors.

One of my minions did not return from lunch, so I volunteered another to perform a possibly suicidal scouting mission into the male latrine in search of my wayward soul. He was there, and had been since the beginning of lunch.

By 3PM, I was told that the unit was being locked down and there was an emergency meeting in the Battalion briefing room. I had a suspicion of the reason, but attended as I was ordered to do so. By this time my bowl of gelatinous bowel howitzer ammunition was one quarter filled.

The meeting began slightly off schedule. At 15:22, the Sergeant Major walked into the room and looked as if he had just performed a three-day combat operation without sleep. The Battalion X.O. walked in not long after and looked as if he had been intimately assaulted by a rather insistent horse. I used all of my military bearing to keep from cracking a joke about cavalry officers walking bow-legged.

The Battalion Surgeon walked in and told us that there was a high chance that the unit had come in contact with a strange stomach bug. Roughly half of the battalion was complaining of stomach cramps and explosive diarrhea. It seem to mostly be affecting HHC (the headquarters) and C Co. ( the company that was on the same side of the building as us - also the medics). Until symptoms cleared up, the unit was in lock-down and cleaning mode.

I went back to my supply room with the intent to bag up the remaining evidence of my involvement only to find that the bowl was missing. My minions were too wrapped up to notice anything, though. So, I began a search for the evidence that would probably land me in front of a firing squad.

The empty bowl was located in the admin office. Someone found it and decided to liberate it from my supply room for the only group that I didn't want to upset. But, they had already consumed the remainder of the biological weapons. As I left with the bowl, I heard the familiar sound of incoming fire from the senior pay clerk's desk, followed shortly after by what sounded like Lamaze breathing.

That weekend, the entire building was cleaned from one side to the other. MREs were consumed in the hopes of plugging the torrential flood of liquid terror and every door and window was opened with fans going over a cup of pinesol in every room. Three-quarters of the enlisted and half of the officers were hit with the mystery stomach bug and the medical supply room was in desperate need of more I.V. kits.

I don't know if my message got across, but it was definitely an entertaining weekend."

To read the rest of the hysterical reviews, please click here.

The Alien Report - Part 2

Mandalosian Star Command
Incident Report - Sub-Commander FhxlG'Tul

Subject - IGO-3 (Known to its inhabitants as Earth)

It is with great regret that I have to report a large setback in our primary mission. As you are aware, we are observing human life on IGO-3, and have been for some time, in order to see if first contact between our people and the human population will be possible. After reviewing all data the decision was made by Star Command to attempt a gradual approach to revealing ourselves to the humans, despite my initial report stating that more time was needed. As ordered, a gift package was prepared containing some examples of our poetry, languages and culture. It was to be sent to a large colourless structure referred to by the humans as the White House. The person residing there, called the president, seems to believe that he is in control of the world. While we doubt this claim, we thought that we might as well attempt first contact there as, in most of Earth's visually recorded media (called movies), all alien first contacts seem to happen in America.

The Incident

After the gift package was prepared, Sub-Servant Ntgr'Dum was assigned to launch it. Unfortunately, the imbecile instead launched a pod containing some of our Mandalosian Tree Spice, used to flavour our nutrient packs. He realised his error very quickly but, in his haste to attempt to turn the pod around, all he managed to do was send it wildly off course. It landed in a city called Wuhan, a densely populated city in a country referred to as China. We hoped to send a team down to covertly recover it but it was discovered quite quickly. Unfortunately it seems that our Tree Spice is not compatible with human physiology.

The Effects

For reasons unknown to us, the Spice seems to cause severe illness in humans. And, even more bizarrely, it seems that the illness is highly contagious. The humans are referring to it as the Coronavirus, or Covid-19. Its symptoms resemble those of an existing human virus called the flu, which affects their respiratory systems. From what we have observed, the symptoms are as follows:

• a build-up of mucus, which leaks from their nasal passages
• this build-up causes loss of smell and taste
• a dramatic increase in overall body temperature
• this temperature increase causes them to leak moisture. It appears to be their body's way of attempting to cool itself down
• they also start making strange noises, referred to by them as coughing and sneezing
• this causes mucus and saliva to be propelled from their bodies at great velocity. This is apparently how the virus is spread.
  
• in those with a weakened immune system, it can result in death

The various countries on the planet quickly put strict bans on travel and commerce in place in an attempt to slow the spread of this disease. It has had a very negative impact on the global economy. It would appear then that, while we had the best of intentions, due to the actions of one unforgivably stupid individual, we may have broken their society. I therefore request further instructions from Star Command, both on how to attempt to repair this disaster and on how to punish Sub-Servant Ntgr'Dum. Our normal punishment of simply blowing him out of an airlock and vaporising him with our cannons seems a bit light in view of the chaos he has caused. There have been talks of simply beaming him down to the surface, to the original intended destination, with a big sign around his neck saying 'I caused the Coronavirus' and having the human population deal with him. As always, I await your response.