Things That Go "What?" in the Night

The other day I was having a discussion with someone regarding fears. There are all the common ones; snakes, spiders (shudder), the dark, Justin Bieber opening his mouth and so on. I myself have made no secret of the fact that I am not a fan of spiders. And you can't blame me! I mean, just look at this....

That cuddly little munchkin is called the Goliath Birdeater, and it is also the sole reason why I will never go to South America! But that got me thinking, what other types of fear are there? So I decided to have a look at some of the strangest (and very real) fears that exist on our strange planet.

Ablutophobia
The fear of taking a bath or a shower. Companies like Axe or Yardley must love these people!

Ergophobia
The fear of work or the workplace. Um, don't most people have this one?

Nomophobia
The fear of having no mobile signal. I'm pretty sure this is only in first-world countries.

Philophobia
The fear of falling in love. I can imagine these people are an absolute treat at parties!

Somniphobia
The fear of falling asleep. This is one that I definitely do not have!

Heliophobia
The fear of sunlight. I sense there might be a few vampires that agree with this one!

Chaetophobia
The fear of hair. Anyone that has a toddler with long hair will probably have this one.

Arachibutyrophobia
The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. *facepalm

Haphephobia
The fear of being touched. Probably as a result of coming in contact with someone suffering from ablutophobia.

Oikophobia
The fear of household appliances. But then, we all know the toaster is secretly out to kill us all!

Coulrophobia
The fear of clowns. I get a feeling that Stephen King had something to do with this one.

Hylophobia
The fear of wood, trees and forests. I assume someone had a close encounter with a rabid squirrel.

Decidophobia
The fear of making decisions. These people must be a blast in restaurants!

Descendophobia
The fear of descending. It also has a fun twin called ascendophobia, the fear of moving upwards.

Chronophobia
The fear of time passing. Um, okay then.

Phagophobia
The fear of swallowing. I have no words....

Omphalophobia
The fear of belly buttons. Seriously?!

Phobophobia
The fear of phobias. So with this post I have literally made you wet yourself.

I end with a fun pop-culture inspired phobia....

Luposlipaphobia
The fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ah, yes! Valentine's Day. A day where you show your appreciation for your significant other and provide them with enough chocolate to kick off early-onset diabetes or enough flowers to spark some major pollen allergies (and sometimes both simultaneously) all in the name of love. So if this is a day dedicated to showing your love and appreciation for your better half, what on earth do you do on the other days of the year? Ignore each other? Valentine's Day has always baffled me. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of gift-giving and showing appreciation for your significant other, I just don't see why you need an occasion to do it.

Delving back through the ages we find that the name of this annual celebration comes from Saint Valentine, the bishop of Terni. Not much is known about his life, but what is a fact is that he was definitely not considered the patron saint of love. No, the first attachment of romantic love to this particular day was done by Geoffrey Chaucer; poet, writer and all-round weird person. He invented many of the legends currently associated with Valentine's Day and also declared it to be a day of love and romance. In fact, in his poem Parlement of Foules (try saying that 5 times fast) he wrote the following:

 For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

Roughly translated this means "For this was on St. Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate." So the idea of birds hooking up for a bit of fun at the start of spring made him decide to declare this a day of love for all. I'd have been very wary of inviting him around to visit my aviary! So, to sum up, every year millions of people around the world celebrate a day made famous by a fourteenth century poet with a strange thing for mating birds. Think about that while you are munching on your heart-shaped chocolates!

 

Service with a Smile

We all have to deal with people on a daily basis. Clients/customers/fellow employees are part of our daily routine. And most of the time this is perfectly fine. But you get those times where someone says or asks something truly outrageous. Something so spectacularly useless that there can be but one response.....

Let's face it, people can sometimes astonish you with their sheer absurdity! Once, while working as a IT support technician for a company that shall remain nameless, I was called into a manager's office to fix a printer that wouldn't print. Being a manager this person liked to lord his superiority over others and loudly told me, so that everyone in the department could hear, to fix the printer or there would be trouble. Crawling under his desk I immediately found the problem and fixed it. When he asked (loudly, of course) what the problem was I told him, just as loudly, that he had unplugged the printer in order to charge his cellphone, thus rendering the entire department unable to print. On another occasion I received a call from an employee whose computer would not power on. I fixed it within seconds and told him to not unplug his computer in future. These are really simple examples of how tear-jerkingly stupid people can be at times.

Now that I am in the corporate space, I deal with much larger clients, but unfortunately the absurdity still follows me around. We provide a large number of mobile solutions to corporate clients and one day I received a call from one of them. He asked me if I could assist him with a formula in Microsoft Excel that he just couldn't get working. I assisted him and the problem was quickly resolved. He then thanked me and was about to hang up when I asked him what exactly his call had to do with our services. His answer? "Oh, nothing. I just thought you might be good with Excel." I've also had a client call me up to ask me where a particular server, that had nothing to do with us, was located in his server room. I politely told him that I do not deal with the server in question and instructed him to take it up with his in-house IT department, all the while wondering why he had called me in the first place.

Whether you are in the corporate space or in retail/services, I can almost guarantee that at some point in your career you have had the same thought that I have......

Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines

Let's face it, some jobs are just thankless and about as exciting as watching snails mate. There are a number of ways to deal with this. You can go stark raving mad from boredom or you can lighten up the situation with some humor. A prime example is being an aircraft mechanic. Not exactly glamorous. And pilots can get quite annoying to deal with, as they are the heroes in the spotlight! A while ago, airline Qantas released some of the best comments from their maintenance engineers who tried to make things a bit more humorous.

 

Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers:

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing. (not running smoothly)
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilots: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

I'll end this post with a radio exchange between an Air Traffic Controller at a small Florida airport and a bored pilot who decided to liven things up a bit. On a night approach to the airport, the pilot turned off his aircraft's identification beacon and radioed the tower to request a landing.

Pilot: "Sarasota Tower, guess who!"
The controller in the tower quickly turned off all of the runway and airport lights and radioed back:
Tower: "This is Sarasota control......guess where."
Needless to say the pilot quickly reactivated his identification beacon and was given permission to land.

24 Blackbirds Baked in a Pie

Recently a friend commented that, after a night of serious drinking, there is nothing as filling and delicious as a pie bought at a petrol station. I found this statement to be rather ludicrous, as at that time I am rather certain that your brain, which is by now floating in various types of liquor, would hardly be capable of giving a valid opinion. With that in mind I have purchased some of these pies while sober and, after forcing down something that is rather greasy and that is definitely lying about its contents, I begin to understand why you would want to consume large amounts of alcohol first. Just as one gets beer goggles which allow even the largest member of the opposite sex to suddenly turn into a supermodel, you also get pie goggles which accomplish the same with an ancient petrol station pastry.

Now I understand that you can purchase pies which are a bit more reputable, such as those sold by London Pie Company (whose Cornish pies are divine), King Pie and quite a few bakeries, but at the time of night that most folks finish punishing their livers, none of those establishments are open. In trying to understand why pies have reached the status of post-booze lifesavers, I happened upon whole websites dedicated to the humble pastry that we take for granted. There is a site that has pages upon pages of quotes featuring the pie. I thought I would share a few:

“We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.”

“A cherry pie is . . . ephemeral. From the moment it emerges from the oven it begins a steep decline: from too hot to edible to cold to stale to mouldy, and finally to a post-pie state where only history can tell you that it was once considered food. The pie is a parable of human life.”

“America has developed a pie tradition unequivocally and unapologetically at the sweet end of the scale, and at no time is this better demonstrated than at Thanksgiving.”

“We have been careless with our pie repertoire. The demise of apple-pear pie with figs and saffron and orengeado pies are tragic losses.”

“In his bachelor's heart of hearts, he loved pie with an intensity that alarmed him. Yet, when he was offered seconds, he usually refused. "Wouldn't you like another piece of this nice coconut pie, Father?" he might be asked. "No, I don't believe I'd care for anymore," he'd say. An outright lie!”

“It could be argued that there is an element of entertainment in every pie, as every pie is inherently a surprise by virtue of its crust.”

So it appears that this simple yet delicious pastry has a massive worldwide following. So it seems only fitting that I end this post with a quote by one of my all-time favourite authors, Terry Pratchett, about the pie (among other things). It is from his Discworld novel The Last Continent, and if you have never read it, I urge you to do so!

"There is such thing as an edible, nay delicious, meat pie floater, its mushy peas of just the right consistency, its tomato sauce piquant in its cheekiness, its pie filling tending even towards named parts of the animal. There are platonic burgers made of beef instead of cow lips and hooves. There are fish ‘n’ chips where the fish is more than just a white goo lurking at the bottom of a batter casing and you can’t use the chips to shave with. There are hot dog fillings which have more in common with meat than mere pinkness, whose lucky consumers don’t apply mustard because that would spoil the taste. It’s just that people can be trained to prefer the other sort, and seek it out. It’s as if Machiavelli had written a cookery book.

Even so, there is no excuse for putting pineapple on pizza."

A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down

Last night I visited my sister and her fiance. My folks joined us and we had an incredible dinner and some good conversation. At some point though, the conversation turned to medicine, and the different types of pills that they take for various ailments. This baffled me, as I only ever take any pills during the occasional headache. And even then the headache must reach legendary proportions before I will reach for medicinal relief! So to hear them discuss medicines for everything from aches and pains to skin conditions left me rather confused. At one point I was sure they were making up names for pills just to mess with me. I had never heard of any of it!

I mean, who comes up with these names? It's like they think "Hmmm, we have a new drug. Best come up with a name that sounds complicated and very effective!" I'm pretty sure they just go "I know, we'll call this flu medicine Tetracaramellobearaprine. That way it sounds important and delicious, all at the same time!"

To give you a few real-world examples, there is Celebrex which is used to treat arthritis, Celexa for depression, Foradil for bronchitis, Palvix for thinning the blood and Lipitor which lowers cholesterol. To me Lipitor sounds like a super-villain from an 80's morning cartoon! Possibly one that kisses people to death! And these are all names approved by the good people at the FDA (The Food and Drug Administration). Maybe there is a logic to their naming convention. Maybe people do look at the medicine standing on the shelf and intuitively know what it is for. If not, there is probably a pill to help you with that. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go take some Hydrofishfingeranex......

Happy New....Wait, what are you doing?

So in my previous post I mentioned my bafflement at the custom of staying up until midnight to usher in the new year. I promise the new year will be there in the morning! Get some sleep! But that got me thinking, what other weird and unusual customs exist around the world to bring on the new year?

Philippines

There is a special belief in the Philippines that wearing something with round patterns or eating round fruits on New Year's Day will bring good luck for the entire year. People are seen wearing dresses designed with circular patterns or polka dots. Observing this weird New Year tradition is expected to attract good financial fortune, or make you look like you are part of an obscure circle worshiping cult.

Germany and Austria

The Germans and Austrians have a strange way of predicting things that are in store for them in the New Year. It is a process known as lead pouring in which molten lead is poured into a bowl containing water. Shapes formed by the molten lead in the water are then interpreted in order to predict events that are likely to take place in the next year. For example, if the molten lead takes the shape of an anchor, then the person who poured it is believed to require help in the New Year. A ball shape signifies good fortune for the person throughout the year while a cross shape would imply death. Probably from lead poisoning.

Mexico

Mexicans have the strange New Year tradition of securing happiness and luck by wearing colorful underwear on New Year's Eve. People looking for luck are seen wearing yellow underwear while those seeking love wear red or pink underwear. Who on earth checks up on the color of your underwear at midnight, I wonder? But then, with enough tequila, who cares!

Equador 

The good people of Ecuador observe a weird tradition to bid farewell to the year.  Burning portraits or photos is usually considered unpleasant in most countries but in Equador this is a source of great merriment on New Year's Eve. People gather outside their homes with photos that remind them of painful experiences during the previous year. These pictures are then burned with the belief that it will help them to get rid of the past and have a blank slate for the coming year. Seeing as this is also a time during which people imbibe in large amounts of alcohol, they might just end up burning down their house as well.

America

From the land of hamburgers and heartburn comes this strange tradition. At midnight, people kiss loved ones or even complete strangers in order to bring hope, love and joy in the coming year and to serve as a symbol of leaving the bad experiences of the past year behind. In the case of lots of alcohol and kissing a stranger, probably creating some new memories to regret in the new year.

Denmark

People in Denmark throw old, used dinner plates at their friends' doors on New Year’s Eve as a symbol of their integrity and loyalty towards their dear ones. While this could only be the result of being extremely drunk, if you hear the sound of smashing crockery outside your door at midnight, fear not, I will just be letting you know that I appreciate you!