In the News

For Jacaranda FM news, I am TinaWifflesniffer.

The number of new Covid 19 infections are rising. Yesterday around 394 247 people tested positive, the Department of Health has advised that the staggering amount of new infections is the result of the new OmicronDeltaChocNutWaffle variant. The ANC has advised that the fourth wave will arrive as soon as the funds have cleared in their account.

In politics, Jacob Zuma has been released from prison for the fourth time on medical parole. Doctors have advised that the former president is suffering from iron deficiency due to not being able to use his 3 iron on his local golf course. His condition is being closely monitored by all the people that he still owes money to.

The N1 highway between Midrand and Centurion had to be closed today after a taxi rolled over. It is believed that a front tyre burst, causing the driver to lose control of the vehicle. All 194 occupants were killed.

Areas of Tshwane were left without power today. Cable theft has been identified as the cause. The municipality has advised that it has requested that its workers please return the cable that was taken, otherwise they will not be getting a Christmas bonus.

Eskom has announced that it needs to implement stage 4 load shedding due to the number of Christmas lights across the country straining its infrastructure. They have asked the public to please refrain from putting up more lights and to use electricity sparingly. When asked for comment, Eskom CEO Andre de Ruyter was unavailable as he was already at his holiday home in Spain.

The EFF has called on its members to boycott Clicks stores because shampoo manufacturer Body-on-Tap has released a new line of shampoos in white bottles. EFF leader Julius Malema has said that the decision to use white bottles instead of black bottles shows clear racism and that the EFF will do everything in its power to prevent the sale of Body-on-Tap shampoo. When asked for comment, DA leader John Steenhuisen said that the DA will fight the EFF's boycott of Body-on-Tap shampoo as he uses it on a daily basis.

A cash in transit heist in Sandton was foiled today after the driver of the cash in transit van, a Mr Rambo McBadAss, ran the hijackers' vehicle off the road and then opened fire on them with a machine gun. His partner then threw a grenade into the hijackers' vehicle, causing the petrol tank to explode. Members of the public filmed the scene and uploaded it to YouTube where it trended immediately and caused American film director Michael Bay to contact Mr McBadAss and offer him a role in his newest blockbuster, Transformers 17 - Rust Happens.

An increase in the price of petrol has been announced. On the 1st of January the petrol price will rise by R47.52. This is due to an increase in international oil prices and the fact that SARS wants to milk taxpayers some more.

In celebrity news, Prince Harry and his American wife, Meghan Markle, have expressed a desire to rejoin the British Royal Family. This decision comes 2 years after the couple decided to leave the British Royal Family in order to stay out of the spotlight, by being in the spotlight every chance they got. When asked about the decision to return, Prince Harry explained: "One morning Meghan expressed a desire to cook me breakfast in bed. After an hour of lying in bed listening to her swearing, crying and breaking things, she finally located the kitchen. Two hours after that she returned with our breakfast. The crumpets were bloody awful! In short, I miss the Royal Chef Gerald's cooking and so the decision was made to rejoin my family."

In your sports news, Bafana Bafana recently beat Brazil 4 - 0 before being told to turn off their Playstation and report for their game against Ghana. Ghana beat Bafana Bafana 47 - 1. At 70 minutes the Ghana players became bored and decided to go and watch a movie, leaving only their goalkeeper behind. Bafana Bafana's only goal of the game came after Ghana's goalkeeper fell asleep.

In rugby news, the All Blacks recently announced a new haka. All Blacks Head Coach Ian Forster was quoted as saying: "We want to show our support in the war against racism by including cultural dances from across the world in our haka. As such the new haka will include ballroom, ballet and hip hop dance moves, among others." The new haka is said to be around 20 minutes long.

In your weather, Gauteng will be partly cloudy with a 50% chance for thunderstorms. Or not, we really don't know. The Free State is expected to be sunny and warm with maximum temperatures of 35 degrees, which means in all likelihood it will be raining the entire day. Durban will be fantastic, as usual, until the Gautengers all get there, then it will rain the entire time. Cape Town will be sunny and warm, except for the ocean temperatures which will be so cold that even the fish avoid it.

And that was your news at 4. News headlines will follow at 4:30, once I've reapplied my makeup and flirted outrageously with the director.

Meeting in the Woods

 A young man was out for a walk in the woods near his house. He loved the stillness and the solitude, the fact that no-one was around to disturb him or interrupt him. The woods calmed him, soothed him and made him feel at one with nature. Birds were singing, bees were buzzing and there was the damp smell of the previous evening's rain permeating the air. It was a beautiful morning!

Suddenly he spotted a figure resting against a tree. He was about to turn and look for another route, eager not to be disturbed, when he noticed the slender feminine silhouette. Curiosity got the better of him and so he continued on. He tread softly so as not to disturb her, wondering why she was out in the woods by herself.

"Perhaps she is out here for the same reasons I am," he thought to himself.

Slowly he walked towards her, seeing more detail as he approached. He was struck by her beauty. Her skin was pale and smooth, her hair raven-black. He could see that she was lost in thought and had not noticed him. His heart started pounding in his chest and he felt breathless. Her beauty was astonishing!

Once he got close enough, he cleared his throat gently to get her attention. She looked over at him in surprise and he noticed her deep brown eyes. He smiled shyly and walked over to her.

"Hi," he muttered, ashamed by how shaky his voice sounded.

"Hello there," she answered, her husky voice sounding exactly how he had pictured it in his mind. 

Deciding to be charming he asked her "Why so lonely, cutie?"

She looked at him, mesmerizing him with her eyes. Her smile seemed to light up the woods around them. He breathlessly awaited her reply. Finally, after a few seconds, she answered.....

"I came here to fart......."

The Cowboy

A cowboy once rode into a small and dusty town in the old west. Tired, hot and thirsty he spotted a saloon and stopped for a drink. He gave a sigh of relief as he walked into the cool shade and sat down on one of the barstools.

"Gimme a beer there, partner." he ask the barman. The barman said nothing as he eyed the stranger while filling up a mug with cold, frosty beer. The cowboy closed his eyes with pleasure as he took a long pull from the mug.

The locals in the saloon were watching the cowboy, trying to interpret his intentions. Who was he? Where did he come from? Why was he here? There was a murmur of muted conversation as they tried to guess where the cowboy had come from. It wasn't long before one of the locals quietly slipped out of the door while the cowboy wasn't looking.

The cowboy finished his drink, paid his bill and wandered back into the noonday heat. It wasn't long before he came back inside, standing just inside the door and eyeing the locals suspiciously. In a swift motion he grabbed his gun, flipped it up into the air, caught it without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled, startling everyone with the force of his voice. No-one dared look at him, or volunteer any information as to where his horse could be.

"Alright then, I am going to sit myself down, have another beer and when I am done I am going to go outside. If my horse ain't back I am going to have to do what I done in Texas. And believe me, I don't want to have to do what I done in Texas!" the cowboy said, walking back to the bar.

The barman handed the cowboy another beer and the cowboy drank it slowly, not saying a word. The tension in the room grew as the cowboy finally emptied his mug, paid the barman and stood up, piercing the locals with his angry stare.

He walked outside and, sure enough, his horse was back, tied to the same post where he left it. The barman wandered outside while the cowboy was saddling up.

"Say partner, before you leave, I need to know, when your horse was stolen in Texas, what did you do?" the barman asked the cowboy.

The cowboy threw him a sidelong glance and said "I had to walk home." 

A Tale of a Traveler

 There once was a man on a long journey. It was getting dark when suddenly his car started spluttering and eventually died. Slowly he coasted to a halt by the side of the road and sat behind the wheel, shoulders slumped in despair. Realising that he had no food and nowhere to spend the night, he locked his car and started walking down the road. Hours went by as he walked, the wind picked up, the night became cold and a light drizzle started falling. 

"Why me? Why now?" he thought in despair. 

But then he noticed a light in the darkness. He stumbled on until he reached a small building. After knocking on the door he was surprise when, after a few seconds, a monk opened up. 

"What can I do for you, my son?" the monk asked politely.

"Please, my car broke down, I've been walking for hours, I'm cold and hungry and I need to find a place to sleep for the evening. Please help me." the man begged.

"Unfortunately we cannot allow that, my son. We can provide you with some bread and water, but it is not allowed to have outsiders stay here." the monk replied.

"Please, I promise I will not be a burden to you. You can even just put me in a corner on a mattress and I won't disturb you at all." pleaded the man. 

The monk thought it over and eventually relented. The man was shown to a room and provided with food and water. Thanking the monk profusely the man ate hungrily and fell into an exhausted sleep. In the middle of the night he was woken up by a strange sound. It was a sound he had never heard before. The sound seemed to vibrate through the very walls and into his soul. He was fascinated by it! The following morning, after thanking the monk for his hospitality, the man asked the monk about the sound he had heard during the night.

"I'm afraid I cannot reveal the source of the sound to you, only monks are allowed to know. If you want to know the source of the sound, you will have to join our order and become a monk." said the monk.

 The man thought about it but decided that being a monk was not for him. Thanking the monk once more he departed.

Many years went by and the man carried on with his life, but the sound he had heard stayed with him. He tried reading about it in libraries and online, extensively researching the monk and his order. While there were many references to the sound, none offered any explanation as to its source. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore and returned to the monastery.

"Welcome back, my son, what can I do for you?" the monk asked after he had opened the door.

"Good sir, I have tried to carry on with my life, but that sound I heard the night I stayed here has lingered with me. I need to know the source. I wish to join your order and become a monk."

"Very well, my son." said the monk. 

For years the man studied the ancient texts and committed himself to learning everything there was to know about the order. One day, as he was meditating, the monk approached him.

"My son, you have shown your commitment to our order and you are ready to undertake your final tests. After these tests you may be led into our inner sanctum where the source of the sound will be revealed to you."

"Thank you, Sir. I am ready. What do I need to do?" the man asked.

"First, you must prove your patience by remaining still until the Brown Flutterer rests upon you. Secondly, you must prove your endurance by finding the Peak of Golden Light. Lastly, you must prove your courage by crossing the Great Divide while blindfolded. I must warn you, very few of our order have accomplished all three these tasks."

"I am ready, Sir. No matter the challenge I must finally know the source of the sound. I have devoted my life to it!" the man replied.

So for a week the man sat in the courtyard, not eating nor drinking, meditating unmovingly until one day a large brown butterfly fluttered around him and finally settled on his shoulder.

"Your first task is complete, my son." said the monk. "Rest now for your next task starts in a few days."

After a few days the man set off. For months he traveled until one day he reached the summit of a great mountain, just as the sun was rising. He reveled in the warm, golden light. Spending the day and the night on the summit, he set off on his long journey back to the monastery the next morning.

"Your second task is complete, my son." said the monk after the man had returned. "Rest now for tomorrow you will face your final task."

The following day the monk led the man to a massive canyon over which a rope hung from one side to the other. After the man was blindfolded he carefully made his way onto the rope. Slowly he started making his way across, almost losing his balance a few times. After a few harrowing minutes he finally felt solid ground under his feet. He removed the blindfold and slumped to the ground, bathed in perspiration.

Once they had returned to the monastery, the monk turned to the man and said; "Well done, my son. You have completed all three great tasks. You are ready to be led into the inner sanctum and have the source of the sound revealed to you. Rest now, for tomorrow it will all be revealed.

The man slept fitfully, tossing and turning, eager to finally know the source of the sound that had so taken over his life. The following morning the monk came to fetch him. Leading him deep underground, following a path carved from the very rock of the earth, they finally reached a thick solid door. The monk took a large, golden key from his pocket and inserted it into the lock. With a massive metallic THUNK the door was unlocked. The monk slowly opened it and finally the man saw it, the source of the sound, the very thing that had changed his life. With his mouth hanging open in awe, he entered the room and looked upon the.......

 

Life Hacks

 Let's face it, in today's day and age, life can get pretty tough. From depressing news stories and natural disasters to global pandemics and mind-boggling politics, we often don't know how to deal with everyday things. But fear not, for I have scoured the internet in search of ways to make our lives simpler. So, without further ado, I present to you Life Hacks to Make Things Easier!

1. When buying a nightstand or cabinet that you have to assemble yourself, simply keep it in the box and use the box as the nightstand instead.

2. Never be sad while on vacation. Cry during work hours. That way you get paid for it!

3. When living with a messy roommate, pretend to be a hot girl on Tinder and match with him so you can tell him you are coming over and have him clean the apartment.

4. If your milk is about to expire but you still have a lot left, but it in a container that has no printed expiry date to make it last longer.

5. When going to the gym, don't lift the large weights, lift the small ones. They are much lighter and easier to lift.

6. Why cook food in an oven at 180 degrees for 40 minutes when you can save time by cooking it at 14 000 degrees for 1 minute.

7. When you are getting married, send invitations to all the billionaires you can reach. You have a 50/50 chance that their assistants will send you a perfunctory gift because they don't know who the hell you are but don't want to take the risk that you are someone important.

8. If you get bitten by a shark, bite it back. You will most likely still die but the shark will have learned a valuable lesson.

9. If you feel alone on Valentine's Day, just watch a horror film with the lights off. After a few minutes you won't feel alone anymore.

10. If you don't have a smoke detector in your kitchen, hang a bag of unpopped popcorn from the ceiling. If you wake up to the sound of popcorn popping, you know to get out of the house.

11. Taking the veggies off of your double bacon cheeseburger will decrease the amount of calories consumed.

12. Download smaller viruses onto your computer to help it build immunity.

13. When you are on the couch with your partner watching TV and you feel like a snack, check if they have their phone with them. If they don't, secretly send a text to their phone with your order, they will get up to check the message and bring you back your snack.

14. Don't embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public. Be a man and walk over to him and zip it up for him slowly. Maintain eye contact throughout.

15. If cutting onions make you cry, wrap clingfilm around your head so the fumes can't get to you.

16. If you are being chased by a wild animal, fall to the ground. After 5 seconds it won't attack or eat you because of the 5 Second Rule.

17. Start every phone call with "My battery is almost dead." That way you can hang up whenever you want to.

18. If you don't want your bananas to go off, hang them from the ceiling on a hangar to make them think they are still on the tree.

19. If someone offers you a potato chip, sneeze in the bag to make them give you the rest as well.

20. When in line at the ATM, gently kiss the person in front of you on the neck so they know you are not a threat.

Consequences

 So this morning while having my breakfast and gazing out the window, I started thinking about consequences. How a word said in anger can linger, how a moment of kindness during a time of darkness can have a major impact and how a guy eating a bat in China can shut down the planet. And let's face it, we all feel the consequences of that guy's actions! Businesses have had to close, people have lost jobs, we all have to walk around looking like we are about to perform surgery or rob a bank, rubbing our hands together in nefarious fashion because we are constantly sanitizing everything. The world has been turned upside down! Governments have all had to deal with the fallout of that one guy's unusual lunch (I mean, I have eaten some strange things but bats have never been on my To Eat list) and some governments are handling it better than others.

Measures have been put in place to prevent the spread of this dreaded virus. We have to practice social distancing, because being in close proximity to each other can spread the virus. That is why all beaches, whether it be next to the sea, next to a river or next to a dam, have had to close. But minibus taxis can still operate at 100% carrying capacity. And, because we all know how minibus taxi drivers think, that usually means the taxi is overfilled with people sitting on top of other people. Last year the sale of cigarettes was banned because.......um........well.......because........I actually have no idea. Smoking is bad for you and thus cigarettes are bad for you and there's this virus and it is transmitted by smoking, no wait. It is transmitted by being in close proximity to others. So cigarettes were banned just because. Which even to a non-smoker like me, made no sense. The country lost out on a major form of revenue because of the ban on cigarettes.

Which brings me to my next point. The ban on the sale of alcohol. And not a gradual ban in order to give store owners time to prepare. Nope! The president speaks and bam! All alcohol banned! With immediate effect. Workers who work in liquor stores basically being told not to report for work, with no time to prepare. Because alcohol spreads the virus. No, wait. It causes people to act stupid and thus cause accidents, which cause them to have to be taken to hospital, but the hospitals are now exclusively reserved for Covid patients. No other illness really matters. And I do understand the reasoning behind this, even if it is very grade 1 reasoning. But again, it is costing restaurant owners money, it is costing liquor store owners money and the country is again losing out on a major revenue stream. While I do acknowledge that alcohol, when abused, can cause great damage and suffering, shutting down the industry seems like a desperate move, one that was not well thought out. I would suggest rather strictly monitoring the use of alcohol and coming down like an anvil on anyone caught driving while under the influence. But instead the police are so busy cracking down on the sale of illegal alcohol, monitoring the beaches and enforcing the curfew that other crimes seem to slip under the radar.

In conclusion, I have to admit that we are living in crazy times that make no sense. And as someone who works in IT I am very disappointed that, when the new strain of the virus was discovered, it wasn't called Covid 19.1. But hey, while it is true that the world is going nuts, you woke up this morning. You took a breath when someone else was blowing out their last. You are alive and hopefully well. In these uncertain times, just remember to count your blessings, great and small. Things could be a lot worse.....