"If centaurs were real, the bottom half would start walking around immediately after birth while the top half would be all floppy for the first 2 years."
"Both concrete and glass are made of sand, which means skyscrapers are actually just really tall sandcastles."
"The spiders that live in Buckingham Palace now are probably descended from the spiders that lived there during Victorian times. It's like a whole parallel royal family, but with spiders."
"The internet almost killed off the postal service with email and then made it more needed than ever with online shopping."
"Pixar is the version of Disney that just wants to tell the story without someone bursting into spontaneous song every 10 minutes."
"Talent shows like Britain's Got Talent get much more disturbing when you realise that it consists of 4 rich people dangling money in front of poor people to get them to perform for their entertainment."
"Telling a dangerously overweight person not to lose weight because they're beautiful is like telling an alcoholic not to stop drinking because they are more fun when they are drunk."
"'So easy a caveman could do it' completely ignores the fact that cavemen were able to start fires without matches and could hunt and kill animals several times their size with nothing but rudimentary weaponry."
"The main child actors in the Harry Potter films were tutored on set, so theoretically they all went to school at Hogwarts."
"The Nordic people went from being the most feared and hardcore raiders in history to being the most polite and friendly people in Europe."
"Condoms are made by automated assembly lines, meaning robots are literally helping to prevent human reproduction."
"The sentence 'Don't objectify women' has 'women' as the object of the sentence."
"A college class is like an episode of Dora the Explorer. The professor asks a question, stares blankly at the class for a few seconds and then answers his own question."
"Having kids is like having broke little best friends who think you are rich."
"When you choke on water you have failed at both breathing and drinking, the two most important activities in your life."
"No-one has ever been inside an empty room."
"'Do not touch' must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille."
"The person who proofread Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi."
"When a pregnant woman swims, she is a human submarine."
"When you are criticized for being short, they are really just saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn't more of you."
