The Big Secret

I recently read an article called "Secrets Men Wish Women Knew". And that got me thinking. All the girly mags like Cosmo (or whatever other girly mags are out there, I'm not really clued up on them) always mention weight loss secrets, or how to look good naked or how to make a really healthy but still delicious fat free cucumber, moss, twig and barley smoothie that will instantly melt away your body fat, give you more energy than a cheetah on Red Bull and make your hair glossy, shiny and free from ticks and flees. Wait, I might have gone slightly off topic there. But then the thought occurred to me, no-one actually talks about what secrets men have. I'm not talking about that time you accidentally clicked on a link and an advert for a holiday resort featuring a scantily clad woman popped up just as your wife walked in and you had to explain yourself for three hours. No, I'm talking about the things men think of or experience every day. So I thought I would break the Man Code a bit and share some of our secrets. Only some though, I don't want to get my Man Card revoked!

WARNING: SERIOUS TRUTHS ABOUT TO BE REVEALED. NOT SUITABLE FOR SENSITIVE READERS

Men Can't Take Hints
Saying something like "I almost broke my neck falling over the hosepipe in the driveway" doesn't translate as "Oh dear, I'd better go out and pick it up". We will take it as a helpful heads-up from your side and take care not to fall over it ourselves. Rather be straightforward or you'll be frustrated a lot!

Pee as a Tool
We will sometimes use our stream of pee to try and clean a dirty spot in the toilet bowl while we are taking a tinkle. Or try and wee on the fly/mosquito/bug that happened to be in the bowl at the time and see if we can knock it into the water.

Nothing
When you ask us what we are thinking about and we answer with "nothing", don't get upset. Chances are we really aren't thinking of anything. Never underestimate a guy's ability to have no coherent thought in his mind whatsoever at any given point.

We Stick to It
If someone tells us we have a nice haircut or outfit, that shall be it for the next few years. We will always get our hair cut in that way or wear that outfit (or something similar) until the next person compliments us on something else.

Gentlemen
Sometimes we are not flirting, we are simply being nice. If we compliment a lady on her outfit, hair, nails etc that doesn't automatically mean we want to engage in intimate relations, it just means we appreciate the effort that the lady has put into her appearance and we want to be nice. So put down the pepper spray and say thank you!

Shower Time
Just because we sometimes spend upward of 20 minutes in the shower it doesn't mean we are jerking off or doing anything lewd and questionable. Men like hot showers too!

Erections
The spontaneous erection is the bane of men everywhere. An erection doesn't automatically mean arousal. This cannot be stressed enough! We get erections every two hours while sleeping because it is the body's way of ensuring enough blood flow to our manly bits. The timing also means that sometimes we wake up with one. It could also sometimes happen all on its own during the day (usually to teenage boys). All we can really do is look down and go "What is it boy? Did Timmy fall into the well again?"

Morning Wood
Speaking of which, we really struggle to take a leak when our manbits are doing their best impression of the North Pole. So be patient with us while we are trying to figure out how not to piss in our own eyes first thing in the morning!

Staring
If you catch us looking at you with our eyes glazed over, it doesn't mean that we are picturing you naked. It could just be that we phased out thinking about how we'd love to have opened a meadery in medieval times and called it Yon Thirsty Warthog, all the while just sort of looking in your general vicinity.

Mr Fix-It
When people come to us with a problem, our first inclination is to try and fix it, even when it is almost impossible to do. If you need us to listen, maybe lead into the conversation by telling us that you just need to vent for a bit. That way we will be in Attentive Listening Mode instead of Immediately Solve Problem mode.

Shake It Off
No matter how much we may squeeze, shake and dance after taking a wee, there will always be some left in the tube that will manifest itself the moment we are zipped back up. This does not mean that we don't practice proper hygiene, it is just something that happens.

The Funky Chicken
If, on a hot day, you see us doing a strange and unusual move while walking, we are not having a minor seizure, we are trying to unstick our balls from our legs, or trying to reposition said balls into a more comfortable position.

Good Aim
Because as guys we have to stand and tinkle, and that involves holding our manbits and pointing them in the direction of the toilet/urinal, a good aim is essential. But sometimes our little fellers just don't feel like peeing straight, no matter how carefully we aim. So if we do go off course, bear with us, we are not doing it on purpose.

Hobbies
If we have a goofy or strange hobby and you take an interest in it even if it bores you to tears, we will adore you for it. We love having our significant others take an interest in what we are doing recreationally, even if they don't understand it.

The Hero
We will often actively fantasize about saving the day. Whether from a mugger in the street or aliens bent on enslaving mankind for their own fiendish desires, we never grow out of a manly desire to be the hero of the moment.

The Zip
All guys learn very quickly from an early age to pull the zipper away from our bodies when zipping up. If you romantically lean behind us for a cuddle and then decide to help us get dressed by zipping up for us, don't be surprised if you suddenly get a butt in the stomach as we try and get our manbits out of the way of the gnashing metal teeth.

Shrinkage
All guys like to be thought of as big manly men. And none more so than in the dangly bit department. But due to our sperm requiring body heat in order to survive hanging from a skin sack between our legs, sometimes things shrink up when the temperature drops. This is a sensitive moment for us, try not to laugh (outwardly).