Now Hear This!

It has been said that the smallest thing you should ever put into your ear is your elbow. As, for various biological reasons, I cannot fit my elbow into my ear I have been ignoring this sage advice for years and have been using earbuds to clean out my auditory orifices. Not so long ago, during one of my cleaning sessions, I suddenly lost hearing in my left ear. While mildly concerning, I wasn't too worried. I figured that a piece of earwax had rebelled against my poking it with a cotton-tipped stick and was thus firmly lodging itself in place. After a couple of days though, it was clear that this tiny rebel was not going to give up without a fight so I bought myself some ear drops.

(Image for illustration purposes only. My ear is not nearly as fabulous!) Now keep in mind that I live alone, so I had to try and figure out how to get drops into a hole that I couldn't see. Eventually I wound up in front of a mirror, contorting myself like some circus acrobat high on cocaine and managed to splash myself in the face a few times. Eventually though, through trial and error,  I managed to get the drops into my ear. According to the instructions on the bottle, I had to fill up my ear canal and then stop it with a piece of cotton wool. After filling my ear to the brim and stuffing a fluffy plug into it I went to bed. This had to happen for two night's in a row. If, after that, the rebellious piece of earwax had still not relented, I would have to go to an audiologist in order to get my ear cleaned.

Alas, the piece of earwax proved extremely resilient, so with much trepidation I booked myself an appointment with an audiologist. Upon walking into their offices I was greeted warmly and led into an examination room. There the audiologist peered deeply into my eyes.....er....ear for a few minutes before asking a very embarrassing question: "You used earbuds, didn't you?" I mumbled an affirmative and she said that there was only one thing for it, she was going to irrigate my ear. I was confused because, in my mind, irrigation is giving water to some fertile piece of land in order for crops to grow. She proceeded to patiently explain that it just meant she was going to squirt some warm water into my ear in order to flush the wax out. That made more sense. She then handed me a little bowl and told me to press it tightly against my neck to catch the run-off. What followed was the weirdest sensation ever! She proceeded to squirt warm water into my ear, probably very gently but it felt like it was penetrating my soul! I was quite certain she was giving my brain a thorough washing.

After a few minutes of that, she allowed the water to run out of my ear before giving it another very thorough inspection. After declaring that the rebellion has been ended and all rebel forces had been washed away, she sent me on my way with a warning to never stick anything into my ear again. Lesson learned methinks!