Say what???

My lovely companion felt the need to visit the gynecologist (hope I spelled that right) the other day. As the man of the house (well, I'd like to think so, even if my wife differs) the medical aid is under my name. So I was given the most daunting task a man can face (apart from facing ginormous spiders, that is); calling the medical aid call center. (Queue the dramatic music!) After sifting through the numerous and utterly nonsensical phone menu options, I finally managed to get through to a "friendly and helpful consultant" as their telephone voice person calls them. By the way, why do they always get a posh English woman who sounds slightly condescending and extremely bored (or suspiciously happy) to record the menu items? Couldn't they get someone who has this husky, sexy bedroom voice and at least make the menu items fun to listen to? Although, as a man, I'd get completely distracted and forget what I was calling for, so scrap that idea. As I was saying, I finally get through to a consultant, and the following conversation takes place:

Consultant: Welcome to *bleep* Health, how may I assist you?

Me: Hi, my name is *bleep* and I'd like to query some of the benefits of my hospital plan.


Consultant: Certainly Sir, can I have your member number?


Me: Sure thing, it's (insert random digits here, just to avoid another *bleep*)


Consultant: Okay Sir, I have found you on the system. What can I assist you with?

Me: Well, I just want to know if my hospital plan covers gynecologist visits?


Consultant: Only if your wife is pregnant Sir.

Me: But isn't the point of going to a gynecologist to see if she IS pregnant?

Consultant: Did you do a test Sir?

Me: No, my wife did. Isn't she the one who has to pee on it?

Consultant: (sigh) Yes Sir. And what did the test show?

Me: It was negative. Should I have peed on it? You know, just to make sure?

Consultant: (sounding rather annoyed) No Sir, that's not how the test works.

Me: Ah, so you don't cover gynecologist visits when she's not pregnant?

Consultant: No Sir.

Me: So what are my other options?

Consultant: Get her pregnant first.

At this point I'm going to end the conversation, just because I was afraid that she would try and explain to me how to get my wife pregnant. And I am definitely not prepared to have some bored medical consultant tell me how the procedure works. I mean, after figuring out that you don't stick it in her belly button, it got a lot easier! And then my lovely companion lets me know that the gynecologist wants R900 for the consultation! I don't get the logic behind this! I mean, isn't she there spreadeagled on the table giving him a nice view? Why on earth does she have to pay for it?! The mind boggles......