Proudly South African

Last week I did a blog post on the most ludicrous questions that get asked on Yahoo Answers. This week I stumbled upon an article titled The Top 20 Silly Questions That Foreigners Ask South Africans. This seemed too good an opportunity to pass up, so without further ado, here are said top 20 silly questions that foreigners ask South Africans visiting or living in other countries:

20. Do you have the internet/ phones/ roads/ cars/ post/ shops/ schools/ money in South Africa?
No, we all live in the bush. To access the internet we have to go to special locations where we queue in order to use a computer.

19. Do you own a gun?
Yes, but it is mainly for shooting mosquitoes.

18. Do you have lions in your garden?
Constantly! Just last week one ate my poodle!

17. Do you ride around on elephants?
No, we prefer riding hyenas. They are much easier to park.

16. Why would you want to come here (UK, USA, etc)?
To see what actual houses look like.

15. Can you see Kilimanjaro from your house?
Only when it isn't raining.

14. Oh you’re from Johannesburg – do you know my friend Peter in Nairobi?
Peter! Of course! Do you know my friend Sixpence Dlamini?

13. How many wives does your husband have?
 72, but I'm his favourite.

12. How does it feel to wear clothes?
Fantastic! Loincloths really chafe!

11. Have you ever had Aids?
Yeah, but I took some tablets and now I am fine again.

10. Which tribe do you belong to?
I belong to the Blue Bullius Proteana Tribe. Once a year we paint ourselves blue and watch other people fight over a ball.

9. So you’re down next to Australia, right?
Yes, in fact, on a clear day I can see Sydney.

8. Do you speak African?
Yes, all 27 dialects.

7. Did you have a slave in South Africa?
Yes, but they keep being eaten by leopards.

6. But you don’t have a South African accent? (not understanding that there are a lot of different accents)
It took lots of training at a special school, but thankfully I don't have an accent any more.

5. I know that you lived in South Africa but where were you born? You must have been born somewhere else.
Yes, I was born in Guatemala.  As a coming of age ritual we have to swim to South Africa. The ones that aren't eaten by sharks get to live there.

4. How did you learn to speak English?
From the village elder.

3. Which country in South Africa are you from?
I live in the country of Grootfontein. It is like London, but with more elephants.

2. Are you black?
No, I started off as white but living outdoors wearing nothing but loincloths turned me black.

1. Why are you white?
Why are you asking me this?

Viva South Africa!