Proudly South African

Last week I did a blog post on the most ludicrous questions that get asked on Yahoo Answers. This week I stumbled upon an article titled The Top 20 Silly Questions That Foreigners Ask South Africans. This seemed too good an opportunity to pass up, so without further ado, here are said top 20 silly questions that foreigners ask South Africans visiting or living in other countries:

20. Do you have the internet/ phones/ roads/ cars/ post/ shops/ schools/ money in South Africa?
No, we all live in the bush. To access the internet we have to go to special locations where we queue in order to use a computer.

19. Do you own a gun?
Yes, but it is mainly for shooting mosquitoes.

18. Do you have lions in your garden?
Constantly! Just last week one ate my poodle!

17. Do you ride around on elephants?
No, we prefer riding hyenas. They are much easier to park.

16. Why would you want to come here (UK, USA, etc)?
To see what actual houses look like.

15. Can you see Kilimanjaro from your house?
Only when it isn't raining.

14. Oh you’re from Johannesburg – do you know my friend Peter in Nairobi?
Peter! Of course! Do you know my friend Sixpence Dlamini?

13. How many wives does your husband have?
 72, but I'm his favourite.

12. How does it feel to wear clothes?
Fantastic! Loincloths really chafe!

11. Have you ever had Aids?
Yeah, but I took some tablets and now I am fine again.

10. Which tribe do you belong to?
I belong to the Blue Bullius Proteana Tribe. Once a year we paint ourselves blue and watch other people fight over a ball.

9. So you’re down next to Australia, right?
Yes, in fact, on a clear day I can see Sydney.

8. Do you speak African?
Yes, all 27 dialects.

7. Did you have a slave in South Africa?
Yes, but they keep being eaten by leopards.

6. But you don’t have a South African accent? (not understanding that there are a lot of different accents)
It took lots of training at a special school, but thankfully I don't have an accent any more.

5. I know that you lived in South Africa but where were you born? You must have been born somewhere else.
Yes, I was born in Guatemala.  As a coming of age ritual we have to swim to South Africa. The ones that aren't eaten by sharks get to live there.

4. How did you learn to speak English?
From the village elder.

3. Which country in South Africa are you from?
I live in the country of Grootfontein. It is like London, but with more elephants.

2. Are you black?
No, I started off as white but living outdoors wearing nothing but loincloths turned me black.

1. Why are you white?
Why are you asking me this?

Viva South Africa!

Dawn of the (Brain)Dead

Every now and then when I am bored, or in serious need of a good belly laugh, I go onto Yahoo Answers. For those who don't know, Yahoo Answers is a forum where people can ask about literally anything, and then get answers from other people. And it definitely has its benefits. But you also get a glimpse into a dark world, a world filled with people who think with other parts of their body, because their brain has gone missing. I thought I'd share a few of dumbest questions ever asked, and their frankly brilliant answers.....

Question: “Why are babies so ugly when they are born?”
Answer: “How about you stay under water for 9 to 10 months then squeeze through a straw and see how you look???”

Question: “How do I get rid of oily face?”
Answer: “Getting rid of your face is not recommended. No matter how oily it is. The face serves many functions and you should not try to remove it.”

Question: “How big is Specific Ocean?”
Answer: “Can you be more Pacific?”

Question: “…Is it true that if you dye you hair a week before your period the dye doesn’t color as well?”
Answer: “It seems like most of your brain cells are already dead. So I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.”

Question: “I don’t fit in the family. I think its time to come clean with them, should I tell my parents I’m adopted?”
Answer: “No; let them keep guessing.”

Question: “If a two-year old hands you a toy phone, should you answer it? What will you do if this happened to you?”
Answer: ” Oh definitely, what happens if it's someone massively important on the other end?!”

Question: “I’ve been calling & calling & calling YouTube all day to come film me but no answer. How do other people get their videos up there? I have some really funny stuff but they won’t come.”
Answer: “You have to call 1-800-You-Tube. The issue is that they are so busy that they only answer the phones at 2 am on Sundays and Wednesdays only…this way they know who the serious people are and only send film crew out to those people. If you call at any other time you won’t even be connected through to them. Source(s): I work for YouTube.”

Question: “if I eat myself would I become twice as big or disappear completely?”
Answer: “That just blew my mind.”

Question: “Just ate 52 pizza rolls, will I die in my sleep? There are 152 calories in 2 rolls, will I die? Oh and I had 2 litters of coke with it.”
Answer: “You have a better chance of farting a hole through your sheets.”

Question: “What kind of bees produce milk?”
Answer: “What kind of cow produces honey?”

Question: “What percentage of water is celery”
Answer: “Water is exactly 0% celery.”

Question: “if evolution is true then why do pigs not have wings?"
Answer: “Because evolution doesn’t give you wings, Red Bull does.”

Question: “What’s better to learn, American, British or English?”
Answer: “well considering American is English, you should probably jump off a bridge.”

Question: “How was the routine of milking cows for milk discovered?”
Answer: “Guessing there was a cow molester?”

Question: “What does it mean when someone says “meow” to you?”
Answer: “They’re cats.”

Question: “I’m 11 and I have my period and my brother is 17 and he hasn’t got his yet? Does it take longer because he’s a boy?”
Answer: “Yeah, it just takes longer for a boy.”

Question: “Why doesn’t the earth fall down.”
Answer: “Because it can fly.”

Question: “How do you know if u’re possed by the devil, are their any signs?”
Answer: “Yes. Inability to spell.”

Question: “I would like to be a Justin Bieber fan. Currently I am a Jack Norris fan and I would like to switch to Justin Bieber. How can I successfully achieve this goal?”
Answer: “Lose all brain function. Maybe sustain a pretty substantial blow to your head.”

Question: “What does India produce more of?”
Answer: “They produce more Indians than any country on earth.”


I despair for mankind.....

Greatness Awaits! Hah!

I've been a fan of the Sony Playstation since the very first iteration. Ah yes, the glorious days where the pixels were the size of VW Beetles and the loading times moved at a glacial pace, but you didn't care. And each time a new Playstation is announced I get excited. Now I will have more performance and the graphics won't look like the fever dreams of a concussed glue addict. Needless to say when the Playstation 4 came out I was ecstatic! I carefully saved up until I had enough to take the plunge and get mine. And it was......well, confusing.....

Let me explain. With the Playstation 3 you could plug it in, boot it up, configure a few settings and be playing your first game within 5 minutes. Not so with the 4. I booted it up and was greeted by the kind of background music usually reserved for most Swedish Spas. Thankfully you have the option of turning the music off, which then lessens your sudden craving for a massage. Then I had to go through a myriad of settings that had to be configured, with the Playstation also constantly informing me that it wants an internet connection. Included with my PS4 was a camera which I set up when I initially unpacked the system. Now, keep in mind that I live in South Africa, a place that doesn't have the Spring season. We go directly from Winter into Summer. No in-between. It's like walking between two rooms and the one has icicles hanging from the ceiling and the next is somewhere in Mordor. So needless to say I was in a state of undress while setting up my Playstation. It suddenly decided to activate its facial recognition software in order to finalise my user profile and I was presented with a shot of my genitals in full 1080p HD. That was rather unsettling. It then further informed me that I had to brighten my room as it couldn't find my face. (I have to clarify that I was standing in front of it at this point because the controller was plugged in and charging, so I was not seated on my couch.) I proceeded with a type of limbo dance where I was bent at the knees and leaning backwards because the PS4 kept saying I was too close to the camera. Eventually it found the right distance and then told me to perform certain movements with my head so that it could capture my face at various angles. After about 5 minutes of repeated attempts, I half expect the PS4 to just give up and use the genital shot instead. But finally, through perseverance and much straining (on my part), it was satisfied.

Then I decided to play a DVD on it, and again it demanded an internet connection, which took about 10 minutes to set up because it kept telling me to re-enter the WiFi password. So, in summary, I managed to get my new Playstation 4 set up and working, but it took longer than most advanced math tests. I don't want to do higher level calculus, I just want to play a game! At least if I ever decide to shave off my beard and the PS4 doesn't recognise me I know I can just drop my pants and it will know exactly who I am......