Love The Glove

Yesterday I had my first ever visit to a urologist. I am quite embarrassed to say that I have never gone for a checkup of the family jewels before yesterday. No, I waited until it actually became necessary. A month or so ago I developed a pain where you wouldn't really want one. It felt like someone was constantly cupping one of my.....um.....globes and it started to get quite painful. After an attempt at some medicinal relief proved unsuccessful I took the plunge and made an appointment. I was understandably nervous as I had never been fondled by another man, so I was quite unsure of what to expect. The doctor seated me in his office and politely inquired as to my career and my state of well-being before asking me why I was there. I stammeringly tried to explain the situation to the best of my ability while he listened patiently and nodded every now and then. I was then escorted into his examination room where he asked me to lie down on the bed. Fully clothed. That confused me somewhat, leaving me wondering if he had x-ray vision or some other diagnostic superpower. He lifted my shirt and started pressing and kneading key points on my abdomen. This confused me even more, as I recalled quite clearly telling him that my problem was further south. Then he asked me to pull my pants down. I wanted to quote Jack Carter from the brilliant TV series Eureka, "Yeah, no. There will be no pant dropping without a nice dinner and many, many cocktails."

Unfortunately my doctor has absolutely no measurable sense of humour whatsoever, so I decided to rather keep that comment to myself. This was the first time ever that I lay flat on my back with my jewels exposed to another man. I felt quite uncomfortable! He then proceeded to press key points on my bladder to see if anything was amiss. Then, the dreaded moment, he started handling my globes (quite firmly, I might add) squeezing and touching and checking, all the while looking me dead in the eyes to see if it hurt. At some point he asked me "How does this feel?" to which I responded "Very awkward!" He didn't even blink before asking me "No, does it hurt?" Clearly not one for humour, this one! After he found the problem area I thought we were done, but no. He grabbed a bottle of lubricant and applied a generous portion to my man-parts. This concerned me greatly, as I had no idea of what to expect next! Thankfully it was so that he could do a sonar to check for blood flow. Afterwards he patted me dry with a paper towel and handed me a cup with instructions to fill it. I was still quite uncomfortable, so I jokingly asked what he wanted me to fill it with, to which he replied "Pee in it." Thus confirming that this man was not a fan of comedy. After filling the cup, and spending some time trying to get the excess lube off of my man-bits, I handed him the cup so he could run a few tests. Thereafter he gave me my prognosis, a prescription, a firm handshake and bid me farewell. All in all not as bad as I was expecting.

A relative of mine recently found out he has prostate cancer, something that can be detected early if you go to a doctor for an examination. I have decided that, while uncomfortable, this is a necessary part of staying healthy. So I shall have my annual exam. Samuel L Jackson recently went onto the Graham Norton Show to promote his participation in the campaign to get men to go for regular checkups. The campaign is called "Love the Glove" hence the name of this post. Seeing as few men on this planet are as eloquent as Mr Jackson, I shall let him explain it to you......

Raise Your Glass!

Over the weekend I was chatting to my father, discussing our upcoming Russian evening. He will be responsible for providing the beverages and has researched quite a few interesting Russian drinks options. But that got me thinking, what else is out there? Following on my previous post about weird things to ingest (which can be found here) I decided this time around to focus specifically on drinks. And so, without further ado (or thinking too hard about it) here is what I found:

Birch Sap Wine

This little gem comes to us from the weird and wonderful folks in the United States of America. A twig is cut off from a Birch tree and the sap is then allowed to run into a bottle (which hangs in the tree like some big plastic parasite). When enough sap has been gathered it is taken down and sugar, yeast and lemon juice is added to it. It is then heated and left to ferment for 5 days. It is said, and I'm copying a direct quote here, to taste like "citrus, some sour dough bread and nuts” with a “long, slightly nutty balanced aftertaste of forest, fungus, herbs and apples”. First of all, just the fact that the word "fungus" appears in the description of the taste already makes me wonder about the sanity of the people who drink this! Secondly, what is wrong with wine made from grapes? I have never once looked at a tree in my yard and thought "Yes, you will be delicious with some sugar, yeast and lemons!"

Mamma Mia's Pizza Beer

Once again, the intellectual giants in the United States of America have managed to ruin another of my favourite foods. This time by making beer out of it. I wish I was joking about this, but the review on the brewer's website reads as follows: “A whole wheat crust made with water, flour and yeast is topped with tomato, oregano, basil and garlic. The essence of the pizza spices is washed off with hot water and filtered into a brewpot, where it is boiled for a long, long time. During the process, we add hops and spices in a cheesecloth type bag & filter the cooled liquid into a fermentation vessel (big glass six gallon water jug). After a week or two, the beer is good to go. Keg it or bottle it.” You can only shake your head and wonder what else the Americans will ruin for us!

Reindeer Horn Whiskey

Have you ever had a longing for a nice refreshing glass of reindeer horn whiskey after a long day at the office? No? Neither have I! But apparently the people of Thailand think this is quite good. This traditional rice grain Thai whiskey is made by infusing actual reindeer antlers, ginseng roots and other special medicinal herbs in a large clay pot for several months, after which it is filtered and bottled. Reindeer antlers are believed to increase virility and improve well-being, while in some south east Asian circles, it is believed consuming them will bring you higher social status. The spirit is said to have a “rich earthy finish with a woody aroma”, and a slight “sweet taste with a hint of liquorice”. Um, no. Just no!

Three Penis Liquor

Just when you thought things couldn't get any stranger, the Chinese proudly present Three Penis Liquor! It is made by brewing seal penis, deer penis and Cantonese dog penis to produce a Chinese rice wine which is also a traditional medicine believed to impart male potency and virility to the drinker. Bottles of Tezhi Sanbian Jiu (Three Penis Liquor) can apparently be found in supermarkets across Shanghai. I am at a loss for words!

Seagull Wine

This rather strange drink comes to you from our friends the Inuits, who prepare this refreshing drink by taking a dead seagull and stuffing it in a jar full of water and then leaving it in the sun to ferment. A brave reviewer sums the taste up as follows: “If you opened up a Toyota’s Carburetor and drank the leftover fluid from inside, that would be pretty close. It goes down hard and settles in even worse. But I must say it sure gets people inebriated in a hurry. And the next day’s hangover is nothing short of spectacular. You’ll feel like you’ve been repeatedly beaten over the head by a giant…well, seagull.”

Sourtoe Cocktail

I decided to finish this post off with a bizarre contribution from those zany folks up in Canada. Exclusive to The Downtown Hotel in Dawson City, for a fee, they will drop a pickled human toe into your cocktail. The toe was donated by a man who accidentally cut his off with a lawn mower, and has been a tradition since the 1970s. More than 50 000 people are alleged to have joined the Sourtoe Cocktail Club! Unfortunately for the hotel, this practice recently came to an abrupt halt when one daring individual swallowed the toe, incurring a fine of  CA$500 and probably a very upset stomach! The hotel has since started advertising for another donation, hoping to continue the tradition.