The Alien Report - Part 3

Mandalosian Star Command
Research Update - Lower Life Forms - Sub-Commander FhxlG'Tul

Subject - IGO-3 (Known to its inhabitants as Earth)

 

As per your command, after Sub-Servant Ntgr'Dum's disastrous mistake unleashed a deadly plague upon Earth, we shifted our focus away from studying Earth's human population and instead focused on its lower life forms. We decided to bring various species aboard for study, as studying them in their habitat was deemed too risky. Herewith the report, as requested.

 

Mammalian

 As humans seem to enjoy interacting with these animals, we decided to focus on the domesticated varieties that share their domiciles. We first brought aboard a member of the feline species. Its collar identified it as Fluffles. It appeared to be intent on jumping onto any surface containing buttons and then lying on them, once causing the lights to go off and Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs to trip over a cable and injure his elbow. It also seemed determined to knock any loose object off of the examination table, causing yet another injury when Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs slipped on a fallen beaker and bruised his knee. We determined that they enjoy physical affection such as stroking the head and back, but Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs terminated the examination after attempting to stroke its belly and requiring multiple stitches afterwards.

We next brought aboard a large canine, identified as Brutus. Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs had to use an aerosolized sedation agent after the canine chased him onto an examination table. After it was deemed that the canine was adequately calm the examination could proceed. As with the felines, the canine enjoyed physical affection, but unlike the felines it actually enjoyed getting its belly stroked. We had to end the examination earlier than planned because the canine urinated on a power relay, disrupting primary power and leaving us without artificial gravity for a time.

Next we focused on a small animal that we located on the Southern portion of a continent the humans refer to as Africa. According to their records it is called a Honey Badger, which seemed to indicate it is a docile animal. Unfortunately this information seems to be incorrect as it was extremely irate upon arrival and not even the aerosolized sedation agent could calm it. Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs attempted to restrain it but was chased around the examination room and finally terminated the examination after it ate one of the probes and gnawed the leg off of one of the chairs.

Reptilian

After the encounter with the Honey Badger, it was decided to rather focus on reptilians. We managed to bring aboard many samples of small reptilian creatures, one of which even had the ability to change its colour. After that success Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs decided to bring aboard one of the larger ones, referred to by the humans as crocodiles. On Earth they seem to spend most of their time either basking in the sun or lying submerged in rivers, so based on that observation we believed it to be relatively easy to control. Unfortunately it too was rather irate after being brought aboard and chased Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs around the examination room. The decision was made to rather return it to its environment.

Avian

We decided to rather focus on Earth's avian species after this. We brought aboard what the humans refer to as a parrot, as we have observed the humans keeping them as companions. We were amazed by its ability to mimic speech and it even managed to learn a few of our phrases, which will no doubt confuse its owners upon its return. Unfortunately Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs also discovered its tendency to bite after it clamped onto his finger, causing him to teach it a few more choice phrases which will not be included in this report. As we have had little success with wild varieties of Earth's animal population, it was decided not to bring any wild avians aboard.

Aquatic

Humans also tend to keep some aquatic species as companions, so we focused on bringing aboard what they refer to as goldfish. This unfortunately led to some tragic incidents as the first one died shortly after arrival. It was determined that the water temperature in our test tank was too cold. The temperature was raised but the next one died after being brought aboard as the temperature was now too warm. After finding a suitable temperature, we brought yet another goldfish aboard, but it died as well. We determined that it was because it was not fed. So we brought another one aboard and fed it, but it died due to being fed too much. After these incidents Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs was heard exclaiming about changing careers to something less tasking, such as administration. After we calmed him down we managed to finally bring aboard a goldfish that stayed alive and we were able to take appropriate readings. Unfortunately, after returning it to Earth, it died.

Conclusion

After these various experiments it was decided to rather cease further study of Earth animals for the time being. This is partly due to the difficulties in handling them and partly due to Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs's locking himself in his quarters and getting intoxicated. As he is currently our only researcher on board, we have decided to let him recuperate until he feels up to continuing his research. As always, I await your further instructions.

What's That Word

 We've all been there. You are having a conversation and would like to discuss something but the word you are looking for has escaped you. It could be something complex like 'tetrahedron' or something simple like 'squirrel', but either way, you just can't remember the word! So what do you do? Give up on the conversation? Or get creative and try to carry on? I recently found an article where people described some creative words or phrases they came up with when the actual word escaped them. Enjoy!

• Boyfriend's mother once referred to a peacock as a disco chicken.
• Couldn't remember groomsmen, went with dudesmaids instead.
• I forgot the word for ‘exterminator’ so I used ‘ant exorcist’ instead.
• My friend couldn't remember the word "cow" for some reason, so she googled "moo beast" to remember.
• Christmas Llama instead of reindeer.
• Once when my husband was on pain meds (after having surgery), he asked for a "cylindrical water storage device." Cup. He wanted a cup.
• I can't remember who said it, but ever since I heard a person call a cupcake a party muffin they are permanently renamed in my mind. 
• At Target, I asked for "a can of bug-murder". I forgot "insecticide" or even "bug spray".
• Couldn't remember the word Athlete so I went with Sportician.
• My buddy once referred to an air horn as 'spray scream'.
• When my sister was young, she didn't know the word "cemetary" so she just called it a "dead-people field". 
• Sausage tweezers. My husband wanted me to pass him the cooking tongs.
• At one point I started googling "map of the year" because my brain short-circuited and I couldn't recall the word "calendar".
• My buddy couldn't find the world for lungs, came up with breath sacks.
• I once referred to a flyswatter as a "bug spatula" when the name escaped me .
• Breakfast soup. (The word he was looking for was cereal.)
• I couldn’t think of the word “robe” so I asked a friend if they’d seen my “towel jacket.”
• I met this french girl on a recent trip, and she called it a "muscle hangover", when looking for the word sore.
• I once called toothpaste "tooth soap" because it was 8 am and I was not ready for life. 
• I once called the Navy "the aqua army".
• Years ago my boyfriend and I were super baked and he was just like "okay so I know this probably isn't the right word, but can you hand me the volume squirter" he meant tv remote, but the new name stuck. Since then we've always referred to it as a volume squirter.
• My unmedicated ADHD (while preggo) caused my mouth to outpace my vocabulary quite often.  I wish I could remember more of them, but my husband won't let me live down "time circle." I meant clock.
• Called a labcoat a Science Vest.
• My little brother who was around 6 at the time really wanted popcorn, and he asked if he could have some of the "boom puffs."
• Called a fan the air blender. 
• When my girlfriend was stoned she asked "how do I turn on the umbrella sticks" when talking about windshield wipers
• Didn't know what to call people from Japan as a kid so I decided on "Japanicans".
• A friend of mine once said "plane station" instead of airport
• My friend couldn't remember the word "cauldron" one Halloween and referred to it as a "witch bucket."
• My best flub was when I couldn't remember the word for water, so I called it drinking fluid. 
• My boyfriend does this all the time. My favourite ever was "oil boiled" for deep fried but others have included "letter house" (envelope), "potato claws" (kitchen tongs) and "bread cooker" (toaster). 
• My boyfriend once referred to grapes as "wine berries".
  

One Man Army

Once upon a time there was a man named Benjamin. Born in 1921, all little Benjamin wanted to do was be a soldier and serve his country. So, as soon as he was old enough, he enlisted to serve with the United States Army. Just in time for Pearl Harbour. Unfortunately for Benjamin, he was posted across the road from the base that got attacked and so could not do anything to help. After not being able to serve his country in the way he wanted to, he decided to attend Officer Candidate School in 1942 and emerged a few weeks later as an infantry Second Lieutenant. Eager to prove himself, he immediately requested an assignment, but was turned down. He spent most of the war training other soldiers. The Second World War ended in 1945 and so Benjamin, disappointed that he did not see any action, left the army to work at a lumber mill. Then, the Korean War happened.

In June of 1950, Kim Il-Sung's North Korea invaded the South with 100,000 men, capturing Seoul in three days and storming across the Korean peninsula.  In less than three months, half of the South Korean military had been overrun, and the entire South Korean defensive perimeter was reduced to a piece of land less than 5,000 miles across.  The United Nations passed a resolution allowing the Member States to send troops to assist, and UN forces made a daring landing at Inchon that started to push Korea back.  The North Korean army was defeated, the UN liberated Seoul and the victorious allies pushed the enemy all the way back to the Chinese border.

This seriously displeased the Chinese.  And, suddenly, millions of Chinese troops were surging across the Yalu River chucking hand grenades at anything that moved, the UN found themselves completely and massively outnumbered, and the allies were on the retreat.  

By June of 1951 the U.S. 31st Infantry Regiment was deployed outside the village of Nodong-ri, along the 38th parallel, part of the last line of defense that was desperately trying to slow the Chinese onslaught and prevent the re-capture of the South Korean capital.  Desperate fighting was raging all throughout the sector, as American, Commonwealth, and other UN forces hung on tenaciously, forcing the enemy to buy every inch of land in blood, but things were looking increasingly grim as more and more enemy troops were brought forward into combat.  

Ben Wilson was Master Sergeant of Third Battalion, Company I.  In his short time since rejoining the army, he'd already worked his way through the ranks from Private to E-8, and, on a warm evening in June 1951, he was ordered to re-take a large commanding hill that overlooked the Hwachon Reservoir outside of Nodong-ri. The terrain feature was affectionately known as "Hell Hill", and, as you can tell by the extremely pleasant name, it wasn't going to be an easy objective to capture.  It was steep, the approach was dangerous, and it was heavily fortified by hundreds of North Korean and Chinese troops dug in to formidable defensive entrenchments.

This was the moment Master Sergeant Benjamin Wilson had been waiting for his entire life. The enemy had no idea what was about to happen!

Under covering fire from artillery, machine guns, mortars, and rifles, Master Sergeant Benjamin F. Wilson picked his weapon, let out a huge battle-cry, and ordered the men of I Company to follow him.  Charging forward up a steep, muddy incline in the sweltering heat of the Korean summer, Wilson was met immediately by an unrelenting barrage of machine gun and mortar fire that ripped up the scenery around him in every direction.  Completely ignoring the imminent death flying around him, Wilson led his men up the hill, lobbing grenades, firing his rifle, and then diving headlong into the first enemy entrenchment.  He came face-to-face with four troops carrying full-auto SMGs, quickly killed them, then waved for the rest of his team to come up and reinforce the position.  

Then, once everyone was consolidated, he ordered them to fix bayonets. They were not stopping there. 

Charging forward with bayonet at the ready, Master Sergeant Ben Wilson and the men of I Company stormed up Hell Hill with the explicit intention of ruining the enemy's day when they arrived at their objective.  Heavy fire came in from all directions, but Wilson and his crew stormed ahead, hurled themselves at the enemy, and overran them, leaving nearly thirty Chinese and North Korean troops dead on the field.  When the Chinese tried to counter-attack, Wilson single-handedly charged them, rushing forward with rifle and grenades, killing seven more enemy troops, wounding three, and driving off the attack by himself.

But he wasn't done yet.

Wilson once again gathered his men and made a third charge, but as he got within twenty yards of his objective he was hit by shrapnel and bullet fragments, wounding him severely. Wounded and unable to continue, Wilson's men grabbed him and started pulling him back from the fight, but, even though he was seriously wounded, Wilson still lay down covering fire for his troops as they pressed the attack. 

When Wilson (who was bleeding profusely and being carried down the hill on a stretcher) heard that I Company's commander and the commander of First Platoon had been incapacitated and the attack was faltering, he did what any self respecting hero would do and climbed out of the stretcher and ran back up the hill to lead the attack himself.

Bleeding, wounded, and exhausted, he grabbed his rifle and ran forward, straight into the most ferocious fighting on the front, shooting at anything that moved, and then waded bayonet-first into enemy forces.  Wilson killed three enemy troops in hand-to-hand combat before the North Korean troops swarmed him, grabbed the rifle, and wrenched it from his grip, stripping the wounded Master Sergeant of his only firearm.

So he pulled out his entrenching shovel and went to work, killing four men in the process.

Wilson was wounded a second time during the withdrawal, but still continued to yell orders and provide covering fire while being hauled away on another stretcher. 

The Medal of Honor Citation says that "His courageous delaying action enabled his comrades to reorganize and effect an orderly withdrawal," which sounds pretty tame considering what had just taken place. His actions would earn him a Distinguished Service Cross, the nation's second-highest award for bravery, and four days later he was nominated for a second one, the first time that had ever happened.  A few years later he was awarded a Medal of Honor.

Benjamin F. Wilson survived the Korean War and retired as a Major in 1960.  He moved to Hawaii, lived into his sixties, and passed away on March 1st, 1988. His bravery and fearlessness just go to show what you can accomplish if you are passionate about something. And let's not forget, he did all of that while wearing glasses!

In the News

For Jacaranda FM news, I am TinaWifflesniffer.

The number of new Covid 19 infections are rising. Yesterday around 394 247 people tested positive, the Department of Health has advised that the staggering amount of new infections is the result of the new OmicronDeltaChocNutWaffle variant. The ANC has advised that the fourth wave will arrive as soon as the funds have cleared in their account.

In politics, Jacob Zuma has been released from prison for the fourth time on medical parole. Doctors have advised that the former president is suffering from iron deficiency due to not being able to use his 3 iron on his local golf course. His condition is being closely monitored by all the people that he still owes money to.

The N1 highway between Midrand and Centurion had to be closed today after a taxi rolled over. It is believed that a front tyre burst, causing the driver to lose control of the vehicle. All 194 occupants were killed.

Areas of Tshwane were left without power today. Cable theft has been identified as the cause. The municipality has advised that it has requested that its workers please return the cable that was taken, otherwise they will not be getting a Christmas bonus.

Eskom has announced that it needs to implement stage 4 load shedding due to the number of Christmas lights across the country straining its infrastructure. They have asked the public to please refrain from putting up more lights and to use electricity sparingly. When asked for comment, Eskom CEO Andre de Ruyter was unavailable as he was already at his holiday home in Spain.

The EFF has called on its members to boycott Clicks stores because shampoo manufacturer Body-on-Tap has released a new line of shampoos in white bottles. EFF leader Julius Malema has said that the decision to use white bottles instead of black bottles shows clear racism and that the EFF will do everything in its power to prevent the sale of Body-on-Tap shampoo. When asked for comment, DA leader John Steenhuisen said that the DA will fight the EFF's boycott of Body-on-Tap shampoo as he uses it on a daily basis.

A cash in transit heist in Sandton was foiled today after the driver of the cash in transit van, a Mr Rambo McBadAss, ran the hijackers' vehicle off the road and then opened fire on them with a machine gun. His partner then threw a grenade into the hijackers' vehicle, causing the petrol tank to explode. Members of the public filmed the scene and uploaded it to YouTube where it trended immediately and caused American film director Michael Bay to contact Mr McBadAss and offer him a role in his newest blockbuster, Transformers 17 - Rust Happens.

An increase in the price of petrol has been announced. On the 1st of January the petrol price will rise by R47.52. This is due to an increase in international oil prices and the fact that SARS wants to milk taxpayers some more.

In celebrity news, Prince Harry and his American wife, Meghan Markle, have expressed a desire to rejoin the British Royal Family. This decision comes 2 years after the couple decided to leave the British Royal Family in order to stay out of the spotlight, by being in the spotlight every chance they got. When asked about the decision to return, Prince Harry explained: "One morning Meghan expressed a desire to cook me breakfast in bed. After an hour of lying in bed listening to her swearing, crying and breaking things, she finally located the kitchen. Two hours after that she returned with our breakfast. The crumpets were bloody awful! In short, I miss the Royal Chef Gerald's cooking and so the decision was made to rejoin my family."

In your sports news, Bafana Bafana recently beat Brazil 4 - 0 before being told to turn off their Playstation and report for their game against Ghana. Ghana beat Bafana Bafana 47 - 1. At 70 minutes the Ghana players became bored and decided to go and watch a movie, leaving only their goalkeeper behind. Bafana Bafana's only goal of the game came after Ghana's goalkeeper fell asleep.

In rugby news, the All Blacks recently announced a new haka. All Blacks Head Coach Ian Forster was quoted as saying: "We want to show our support in the war against racism by including cultural dances from across the world in our haka. As such the new haka will include ballroom, ballet and hip hop dance moves, among others." The new haka is said to be around 20 minutes long.

In your weather, Gauteng will be partly cloudy with a 50% chance for thunderstorms. Or not, we really don't know. The Free State is expected to be sunny and warm with maximum temperatures of 35 degrees, which means in all likelihood it will be raining the entire day. Durban will be fantastic, as usual, until the Gautengers all get there, then it will rain the entire time. Cape Town will be sunny and warm, except for the ocean temperatures which will be so cold that even the fish avoid it.

And that was your news at 4. News headlines will follow at 4:30, once I've reapplied my makeup and flirted outrageously with the director.

Meeting in the Woods

 A young man was out for a walk in the woods near his house. He loved the stillness and the solitude, the fact that no-one was around to disturb him or interrupt him. The woods calmed him, soothed him and made him feel at one with nature. Birds were singing, bees were buzzing and there was the damp smell of the previous evening's rain permeating the air. It was a beautiful morning!

Suddenly he spotted a figure resting against a tree. He was about to turn and look for another route, eager not to be disturbed, when he noticed the slender feminine silhouette. Curiosity got the better of him and so he continued on. He tread softly so as not to disturb her, wondering why she was out in the woods by herself.

"Perhaps she is out here for the same reasons I am," he thought to himself.

Slowly he walked towards her, seeing more detail as he approached. He was struck by her beauty. Her skin was pale and smooth, her hair raven-black. He could see that she was lost in thought and had not noticed him. His heart started pounding in his chest and he felt breathless. Her beauty was astonishing!

Once he got close enough, he cleared his throat gently to get her attention. She looked over at him in surprise and he noticed her deep brown eyes. He smiled shyly and walked over to her.

"Hi," he muttered, ashamed by how shaky his voice sounded.

"Hello there," she answered, her husky voice sounding exactly how he had pictured it in his mind. 

Deciding to be charming he asked her "Why so lonely, cutie?"

She looked at him, mesmerizing him with her eyes. Her smile seemed to light up the woods around them. He breathlessly awaited her reply. Finally, after a few seconds, she answered.....

"I came here to fart......."

The Cowboy

A cowboy once rode into a small and dusty town in the old west. Tired, hot and thirsty he spotted a saloon and stopped for a drink. He gave a sigh of relief as he walked into the cool shade and sat down on one of the barstools.

"Gimme a beer there, partner." he ask the barman. The barman said nothing as he eyed the stranger while filling up a mug with cold, frosty beer. The cowboy closed his eyes with pleasure as he took a long pull from the mug.

The locals in the saloon were watching the cowboy, trying to interpret his intentions. Who was he? Where did he come from? Why was he here? There was a murmur of muted conversation as they tried to guess where the cowboy had come from. It wasn't long before one of the locals quietly slipped out of the door while the cowboy wasn't looking.

The cowboy finished his drink, paid his bill and wandered back into the noonday heat. It wasn't long before he came back inside, standing just inside the door and eyeing the locals suspiciously. In a swift motion he grabbed his gun, flipped it up into the air, caught it without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled, startling everyone with the force of his voice. No-one dared look at him, or volunteer any information as to where his horse could be.

"Alright then, I am going to sit myself down, have another beer and when I am done I am going to go outside. If my horse ain't back I am going to have to do what I done in Texas. And believe me, I don't want to have to do what I done in Texas!" the cowboy said, walking back to the bar.

The barman handed the cowboy another beer and the cowboy drank it slowly, not saying a word. The tension in the room grew as the cowboy finally emptied his mug, paid the barman and stood up, piercing the locals with his angry stare.

He walked outside and, sure enough, his horse was back, tied to the same post where he left it. The barman wandered outside while the cowboy was saddling up.

"Say partner, before you leave, I need to know, when your horse was stolen in Texas, what did you do?" the barman asked the cowboy.

The cowboy threw him a sidelong glance and said "I had to walk home." 

A Tale of a Traveler

 There once was a man on a long journey. It was getting dark when suddenly his car started spluttering and eventually died. Slowly he coasted to a halt by the side of the road and sat behind the wheel, shoulders slumped in despair. Realising that he had no food and nowhere to spend the night, he locked his car and started walking down the road. Hours went by as he walked, the wind picked up, the night became cold and a light drizzle started falling. 

"Why me? Why now?" he thought in despair. 

But then he noticed a light in the darkness. He stumbled on until he reached a small building. After knocking on the door he was surprise when, after a few seconds, a monk opened up. 

"What can I do for you, my son?" the monk asked politely.

"Please, my car broke down, I've been walking for hours, I'm cold and hungry and I need to find a place to sleep for the evening. Please help me." the man begged.

"Unfortunately we cannot allow that, my son. We can provide you with some bread and water, but it is not allowed to have outsiders stay here." the monk replied.

"Please, I promise I will not be a burden to you. You can even just put me in a corner on a mattress and I won't disturb you at all." pleaded the man. 

The monk thought it over and eventually relented. The man was shown to a room and provided with food and water. Thanking the monk profusely the man ate hungrily and fell into an exhausted sleep. In the middle of the night he was woken up by a strange sound. It was a sound he had never heard before. The sound seemed to vibrate through the very walls and into his soul. He was fascinated by it! The following morning, after thanking the monk for his hospitality, the man asked the monk about the sound he had heard during the night.

"I'm afraid I cannot reveal the source of the sound to you, only monks are allowed to know. If you want to know the source of the sound, you will have to join our order and become a monk." said the monk.

 The man thought about it but decided that being a monk was not for him. Thanking the monk once more he departed.

Many years went by and the man carried on with his life, but the sound he had heard stayed with him. He tried reading about it in libraries and online, extensively researching the monk and his order. While there were many references to the sound, none offered any explanation as to its source. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore and returned to the monastery.

"Welcome back, my son, what can I do for you?" the monk asked after he had opened the door.

"Good sir, I have tried to carry on with my life, but that sound I heard the night I stayed here has lingered with me. I need to know the source. I wish to join your order and become a monk."

"Very well, my son." said the monk. 

For years the man studied the ancient texts and committed himself to learning everything there was to know about the order. One day, as he was meditating, the monk approached him.

"My son, you have shown your commitment to our order and you are ready to undertake your final tests. After these tests you may be led into our inner sanctum where the source of the sound will be revealed to you."

"Thank you, Sir. I am ready. What do I need to do?" the man asked.

"First, you must prove your patience by remaining still until the Brown Flutterer rests upon you. Secondly, you must prove your endurance by finding the Peak of Golden Light. Lastly, you must prove your courage by crossing the Great Divide while blindfolded. I must warn you, very few of our order have accomplished all three these tasks."

"I am ready, Sir. No matter the challenge I must finally know the source of the sound. I have devoted my life to it!" the man replied.

So for a week the man sat in the courtyard, not eating nor drinking, meditating unmovingly until one day a large brown butterfly fluttered around him and finally settled on his shoulder.

"Your first task is complete, my son." said the monk. "Rest now for your next task starts in a few days."

After a few days the man set off. For months he traveled until one day he reached the summit of a great mountain, just as the sun was rising. He reveled in the warm, golden light. Spending the day and the night on the summit, he set off on his long journey back to the monastery the next morning.

"Your second task is complete, my son." said the monk after the man had returned. "Rest now for tomorrow you will face your final task."

The following day the monk led the man to a massive canyon over which a rope hung from one side to the other. After the man was blindfolded he carefully made his way onto the rope. Slowly he started making his way across, almost losing his balance a few times. After a few harrowing minutes he finally felt solid ground under his feet. He removed the blindfold and slumped to the ground, bathed in perspiration.

Once they had returned to the monastery, the monk turned to the man and said; "Well done, my son. You have completed all three great tasks. You are ready to be led into the inner sanctum and have the source of the sound revealed to you. Rest now, for tomorrow it will all be revealed.

The man slept fitfully, tossing and turning, eager to finally know the source of the sound that had so taken over his life. The following morning the monk came to fetch him. Leading him deep underground, following a path carved from the very rock of the earth, they finally reached a thick solid door. The monk took a large, golden key from his pocket and inserted it into the lock. With a massive metallic THUNK the door was unlocked. The monk slowly opened it and finally the man saw it, the source of the sound, the very thing that had changed his life. With his mouth hanging open in awe, he entered the room and looked upon the.......