The Alien Report - Part 3

Mandalosian Star Command
Research Update - Lower Life Forms - Sub-Commander FhxlG'Tul

Subject - IGO-3 (Known to its inhabitants as Earth)

 

As per your command, after Sub-Servant Ntgr'Dum's disastrous mistake unleashed a deadly plague upon Earth, we shifted our focus away from studying Earth's human population and instead focused on its lower life forms. We decided to bring various species aboard for study, as studying them in their habitat was deemed too risky. Herewith the report, as requested.

 

Mammalian

 As humans seem to enjoy interacting with these animals, we decided to focus on the domesticated varieties that share their domiciles. We first brought aboard a member of the feline species. Its collar identified it as Fluffles. It appeared to be intent on jumping onto any surface containing buttons and then lying on them, once causing the lights to go off and Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs to trip over a cable and injure his elbow. It also seemed determined to knock any loose object off of the examination table, causing yet another injury when Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs slipped on a fallen beaker and bruised his knee. We determined that they enjoy physical affection such as stroking the head and back, but Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs terminated the examination after attempting to stroke its belly and requiring multiple stitches afterwards.

We next brought aboard a large canine, identified as Brutus. Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs had to use an aerosolized sedation agent after the canine chased him onto an examination table. After it was deemed that the canine was adequately calm the examination could proceed. As with the felines, the canine enjoyed physical affection, but unlike the felines it actually enjoyed getting its belly stroked. We had to end the examination earlier than planned because the canine urinated on a power relay, disrupting primary power and leaving us without artificial gravity for a time.

Next we focused on a small animal that we located on the Southern portion of a continent the humans refer to as Africa. According to their records it is called a Honey Badger, which seemed to indicate it is a docile animal. Unfortunately this information seems to be incorrect as it was extremely irate upon arrival and not even the aerosolized sedation agent could calm it. Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs attempted to restrain it but was chased around the examination room and finally terminated the examination after it ate one of the probes and gnawed the leg off of one of the chairs.

Reptilian

After the encounter with the Honey Badger, it was decided to rather focus on reptilians. We managed to bring aboard many samples of small reptilian creatures, one of which even had the ability to change its colour. After that success Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs decided to bring aboard one of the larger ones, referred to by the humans as crocodiles. On Earth they seem to spend most of their time either basking in the sun or lying submerged in rivers, so based on that observation we believed it to be relatively easy to control. Unfortunately it too was rather irate after being brought aboard and chased Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs around the examination room. The decision was made to rather return it to its environment.

Avian

We decided to rather focus on Earth's avian species after this. We brought aboard what the humans refer to as a parrot, as we have observed the humans keeping them as companions. We were amazed by its ability to mimic speech and it even managed to learn a few of our phrases, which will no doubt confuse its owners upon its return. Unfortunately Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs also discovered its tendency to bite after it clamped onto his finger, causing him to teach it a few more choice phrases which will not be included in this report. As we have had little success with wild varieties of Earth's animal population, it was decided not to bring any wild avians aboard.

Aquatic

Humans also tend to keep some aquatic species as companions, so we focused on bringing aboard what they refer to as goldfish. This unfortunately led to some tragic incidents as the first one died shortly after arrival. It was determined that the water temperature in our test tank was too cold. The temperature was raised but the next one died after being brought aboard as the temperature was now too warm. After finding a suitable temperature, we brought yet another goldfish aboard, but it died as well. We determined that it was because it was not fed. So we brought another one aboard and fed it, but it died due to being fed too much. After these incidents Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs was heard exclaiming about changing careers to something less tasking, such as administration. After we calmed him down we managed to finally bring aboard a goldfish that stayed alive and we were able to take appropriate readings. Unfortunately, after returning it to Earth, it died.

Conclusion

After these various experiments it was decided to rather cease further study of Earth animals for the time being. This is partly due to the difficulties in handling them and partly due to Research Assistant Vrf'Emcs's locking himself in his quarters and getting intoxicated. As he is currently our only researcher on board, we have decided to let him recuperate until he feels up to continuing his research. As always, I await your further instructions.

What's That Word

 We've all been there. You are having a conversation and would like to discuss something but the word you are looking for has escaped you. It could be something complex like 'tetrahedron' or something simple like 'squirrel', but either way, you just can't remember the word! So what do you do? Give up on the conversation? Or get creative and try to carry on? I recently found an article where people described some creative words or phrases they came up with when the actual word escaped them. Enjoy!

• Boyfriend's mother once referred to a peacock as a disco chicken.
• Couldn't remember groomsmen, went with dudesmaids instead.
• I forgot the word for ‘exterminator’ so I used ‘ant exorcist’ instead.
• My friend couldn't remember the word "cow" for some reason, so she googled "moo beast" to remember.
• Christmas Llama instead of reindeer.
• Once when my husband was on pain meds (after having surgery), he asked for a "cylindrical water storage device." Cup. He wanted a cup.
• I can't remember who said it, but ever since I heard a person call a cupcake a party muffin they are permanently renamed in my mind. 
• At Target, I asked for "a can of bug-murder". I forgot "insecticide" or even "bug spray".
• Couldn't remember the word Athlete so I went with Sportician.
• My buddy once referred to an air horn as 'spray scream'.
• When my sister was young, she didn't know the word "cemetary" so she just called it a "dead-people field". 
• Sausage tweezers. My husband wanted me to pass him the cooking tongs.
• At one point I started googling "map of the year" because my brain short-circuited and I couldn't recall the word "calendar".
• My buddy couldn't find the world for lungs, came up with breath sacks.
• I once referred to a flyswatter as a "bug spatula" when the name escaped me .
• Breakfast soup. (The word he was looking for was cereal.)
• I couldn’t think of the word “robe” so I asked a friend if they’d seen my “towel jacket.”
• I met this french girl on a recent trip, and she called it a "muscle hangover", when looking for the word sore.
• I once called toothpaste "tooth soap" because it was 8 am and I was not ready for life. 
• I once called the Navy "the aqua army".
• Years ago my boyfriend and I were super baked and he was just like "okay so I know this probably isn't the right word, but can you hand me the volume squirter" he meant tv remote, but the new name stuck. Since then we've always referred to it as a volume squirter.
• My unmedicated ADHD (while preggo) caused my mouth to outpace my vocabulary quite often.  I wish I could remember more of them, but my husband won't let me live down "time circle." I meant clock.
• Called a labcoat a Science Vest.
• My little brother who was around 6 at the time really wanted popcorn, and he asked if he could have some of the "boom puffs."
• Called a fan the air blender. 
• When my girlfriend was stoned she asked "how do I turn on the umbrella sticks" when talking about windshield wipers
• Didn't know what to call people from Japan as a kid so I decided on "Japanicans".
• A friend of mine once said "plane station" instead of airport
• My friend couldn't remember the word "cauldron" one Halloween and referred to it as a "witch bucket."
• My best flub was when I couldn't remember the word for water, so I called it drinking fluid. 
• My boyfriend does this all the time. My favourite ever was "oil boiled" for deep fried but others have included "letter house" (envelope), "potato claws" (kitchen tongs) and "bread cooker" (toaster). 
• My boyfriend once referred to grapes as "wine berries".
  

One Man Army

Once upon a time there was a man named Benjamin. Born in 1921, all little Benjamin wanted to do was be a soldier and serve his country. So, as soon as he was old enough, he enlisted to serve with the United States Army. Just in time for Pearl Harbour. Unfortunately for Benjamin, he was posted across the road from the base that got attacked and so could not do anything to help. After not being able to serve his country in the way he wanted to, he decided to attend Officer Candidate School in 1942 and emerged a few weeks later as an infantry Second Lieutenant. Eager to prove himself, he immediately requested an assignment, but was turned down. He spent most of the war training other soldiers. The Second World War ended in 1945 and so Benjamin, disappointed that he did not see any action, left the army to work at a lumber mill. Then, the Korean War happened.

In June of 1950, Kim Il-Sung's North Korea invaded the South with 100,000 men, capturing Seoul in three days and storming across the Korean peninsula.  In less than three months, half of the South Korean military had been overrun, and the entire South Korean defensive perimeter was reduced to a piece of land less than 5,000 miles across.  The United Nations passed a resolution allowing the Member States to send troops to assist, and UN forces made a daring landing at Inchon that started to push Korea back.  The North Korean army was defeated, the UN liberated Seoul and the victorious allies pushed the enemy all the way back to the Chinese border.

This seriously displeased the Chinese.  And, suddenly, millions of Chinese troops were surging across the Yalu River chucking hand grenades at anything that moved, the UN found themselves completely and massively outnumbered, and the allies were on the retreat.  

By June of 1951 the U.S. 31st Infantry Regiment was deployed outside the village of Nodong-ri, along the 38th parallel, part of the last line of defense that was desperately trying to slow the Chinese onslaught and prevent the re-capture of the South Korean capital.  Desperate fighting was raging all throughout the sector, as American, Commonwealth, and other UN forces hung on tenaciously, forcing the enemy to buy every inch of land in blood, but things were looking increasingly grim as more and more enemy troops were brought forward into combat.  

Ben Wilson was Master Sergeant of Third Battalion, Company I.  In his short time since rejoining the army, he'd already worked his way through the ranks from Private to E-8, and, on a warm evening in June 1951, he was ordered to re-take a large commanding hill that overlooked the Hwachon Reservoir outside of Nodong-ri. The terrain feature was affectionately known as "Hell Hill", and, as you can tell by the extremely pleasant name, it wasn't going to be an easy objective to capture.  It was steep, the approach was dangerous, and it was heavily fortified by hundreds of North Korean and Chinese troops dug in to formidable defensive entrenchments.

This was the moment Master Sergeant Benjamin Wilson had been waiting for his entire life. The enemy had no idea what was about to happen!

Under covering fire from artillery, machine guns, mortars, and rifles, Master Sergeant Benjamin F. Wilson picked his weapon, let out a huge battle-cry, and ordered the men of I Company to follow him.  Charging forward up a steep, muddy incline in the sweltering heat of the Korean summer, Wilson was met immediately by an unrelenting barrage of machine gun and mortar fire that ripped up the scenery around him in every direction.  Completely ignoring the imminent death flying around him, Wilson led his men up the hill, lobbing grenades, firing his rifle, and then diving headlong into the first enemy entrenchment.  He came face-to-face with four troops carrying full-auto SMGs, quickly killed them, then waved for the rest of his team to come up and reinforce the position.  

Then, once everyone was consolidated, he ordered them to fix bayonets. They were not stopping there. 

Charging forward with bayonet at the ready, Master Sergeant Ben Wilson and the men of I Company stormed up Hell Hill with the explicit intention of ruining the enemy's day when they arrived at their objective.  Heavy fire came in from all directions, but Wilson and his crew stormed ahead, hurled themselves at the enemy, and overran them, leaving nearly thirty Chinese and North Korean troops dead on the field.  When the Chinese tried to counter-attack, Wilson single-handedly charged them, rushing forward with rifle and grenades, killing seven more enemy troops, wounding three, and driving off the attack by himself.

But he wasn't done yet.

Wilson once again gathered his men and made a third charge, but as he got within twenty yards of his objective he was hit by shrapnel and bullet fragments, wounding him severely. Wounded and unable to continue, Wilson's men grabbed him and started pulling him back from the fight, but, even though he was seriously wounded, Wilson still lay down covering fire for his troops as they pressed the attack. 

When Wilson (who was bleeding profusely and being carried down the hill on a stretcher) heard that I Company's commander and the commander of First Platoon had been incapacitated and the attack was faltering, he did what any self respecting hero would do and climbed out of the stretcher and ran back up the hill to lead the attack himself.

Bleeding, wounded, and exhausted, he grabbed his rifle and ran forward, straight into the most ferocious fighting on the front, shooting at anything that moved, and then waded bayonet-first into enemy forces.  Wilson killed three enemy troops in hand-to-hand combat before the North Korean troops swarmed him, grabbed the rifle, and wrenched it from his grip, stripping the wounded Master Sergeant of his only firearm.

So he pulled out his entrenching shovel and went to work, killing four men in the process.

Wilson was wounded a second time during the withdrawal, but still continued to yell orders and provide covering fire while being hauled away on another stretcher. 

The Medal of Honor Citation says that "His courageous delaying action enabled his comrades to reorganize and effect an orderly withdrawal," which sounds pretty tame considering what had just taken place. His actions would earn him a Distinguished Service Cross, the nation's second-highest award for bravery, and four days later he was nominated for a second one, the first time that had ever happened.  A few years later he was awarded a Medal of Honor.

Benjamin F. Wilson survived the Korean War and retired as a Major in 1960.  He moved to Hawaii, lived into his sixties, and passed away on March 1st, 1988. His bravery and fearlessness just go to show what you can accomplish if you are passionate about something. And let's not forget, he did all of that while wearing glasses!