Pun Intended

In today's tumultuous world filled with stories of deadly diseases, natural distasters (I'm looking at you, ANC), civil unrest and the like, often our only way of staying sane is with laughter. Although going cross-eyed and cackling to yourself might not quite be the answer. But everyone enjoys a good joke or a clever pun. You either get a good laugh, a small chuckle or an awkward silence as everyone in the room contemplates moving to another province and changing their name to get away from you. Not that I am speaking from experience. I think. But anyway, I recently came across some jokes that I thought I'd share with you. Perhaps it will brighten up your day. Or cause you to start packing. Either way, I hope you enjoy.....

1. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out, had a few drinks. He's a nice guy, wants to be a web designer.

2. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 18 siblings but they don't know either.

3. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

4. My son was spending too much time playing computer games so I said "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." He considered this for a moment and then replied "Dad, when he was your age he was the President of the United States."

5. Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should liven up the cremation considerably!

6. I'm reading a horror novel in Braille. Something terrible is going to happen. I can feel it!

7. What starts with "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry? Opinions.

8. My roommate says our house is haunted. But I have lived here for 300 years and never noticed anything unusual.

 9. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. So she hugged me.

10. Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can't C in the dark.

11. I'm giving up drinking for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.

12. Yesterday I was washing the car with my son. He asked me "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

13. I was wondering why a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.

14. People are usually shocked when they find out that I am not a good electrician.

15. I tripped over my wife's bra. It was a booby trap.

16. I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs, they dig, we dig. It is not a beautiful poem but it is deep.

17. I just saw an idiot at the gym. He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

18. As I get older I remember all the people that I have lost along the way and I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

19. To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

20. My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on charges of being good in bed. 2 minutes later all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

21. A guy came up to me and said "Man, your clothes are so gay!" I told him "I know, they came out of the closet this morning."

22. I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked. I don't know what terrified him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.

23. I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!

24. What is blue and doesn't weigh much? Light blue.

25. As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "Son, you know one would have been enough."