The Alien Report

Mandalosian Star Command
Mission Report - Sub-Commander FhxlG'Tul
Subject - IGO-3 (Known to its inhabitants as Earth)

As you are aware, our primary mission was to observe and learn about the inhabitants of IGO-3 for a time period of 5 Mandalosian Time Cycles (approximately 11 Earth months). In this time we would document every aspect of their life cycles and determine if official first contact and possible colonization would be feasible. Herewith my report.

Life Cycle
Humans appear to be the dominant species on this planet, or at least the most evolved. They are conceived during some sort of elaborate mating ritual, culminating in what appears to be a feverish tussle with the male inserting his insemination appendage into the female's reception orifice. In some cases this is over rather quickly, in other cases it is a long and drawn out affair with lots of grunting and other sounds. Not a quiet, sterile insemination as is the case in our species. The gestation period in humans is also extremely long, taking approximately 9 of their months before the infant is ejected from the mother's body. Unlike our offspring, the human infant is dependent on the human adults for nourishment and care. This may last as long as 20 of their years. Compared to other mammalian species on the planet, whose young are weaned in a much shorter time, it is surprising that humans have risen to the top of their food chain.

Nourishment
Unlike our society that uses lab-grown re-sequenced foodstuffs with all the necessary nutrients added, humans appear to eat plant material. They also eat other mammalian species. In fact, it appears that they are willing to consume just about any other living species on the planet. In some remote locations on the planet, humans even hunt and consume each other! Unlike us, they have to eat frequently. In fact, it is recommended that they eat 3 meals a day. I am not sure why they require that much sustenance. Surely it places a large strain on available food sources.

Health
Humans appear to be extremely hardy. They are able to survive in temperatures ranging from freezing cold to extremely hot. Although there are many bacterial and viral agents present on their world, which cause a wide variety of illnesses, humans can in most cases fight off these illnesses using only their body's natural defense system. Humans are so hardy, in fact, that I have observed them with missing limbs and internal organs and yet they can still function normally. They also have supreme stamina and large groups regularly engage in various physical activities which would leave us exhausted.

Recreation
As mentioned above, humans engage in a wide variety of physical activities that they call "sport". This involves running long distances or having teams fight over spherical or oval shape objects referred to as "balls". Some of the games appear to involve getting rid of the "ball", as in something called "cricket". One player, as they are referred to, hurls the ball away from them and at another player who, in turn, swats it away using a large piece of wood called a "bat". Other players then rush to intercept the ball, I assume in case it goes missing, and hurls it back to its starting position. The whole procedure then starts all over again. Unfortunately its purpose completely escapes me.

Relationships with Other Species
Humans appear to enjoy the company of other species on their planet. I have observed them sharing their abodes with multiple animal species, including felines and canines. They appear to have a fascination with animals, no matter how large or fierce. As an experiment we selected a secluded area with a low human population and dropped off a Mandalosian fur-beast. As you well know, these are fierce predators on our home-world, so I expected the sight of an alien predator to strike fear into humans. The response was not one that I expected. Upon sighting the fur-beast, a human female emitted a high pitched squeal which I originally took to be a cry of fear. But then she rushed towards the fur-beast screaming incomprehensibly. I managed to pick out human words like "cute" and "fluffy". I suspect she intended to cuddle the fur-beast which, understandably, fled in confusion.

Transportation
Humans use land, water and air-based vehicles to travel across their planet. Most of these are crudely constructed out of metals and synthetic materials and use the controlled combustion of highly flammable liquids to power them. The astonishing thing is that they manage to travel around in these vehicles daily and do not spontaneously explode every so often. And when they want to travel outside of their atmosphere they use massive missiles filled with an even more combustible mix of liquids to propel themselves into space. I honestly do not know how they have managed to get this far technologically without killing off their entire species.

In Conclusion
I am of the opinion that humans are not suitable for contact with our species. They are violent and confusing, apparently reveling in destroying the world they live on. I was suprised to discover that they discovered how to split atoms, but not as suprised to find out that the first thing they applied it to was weaponry. I have observed a certain capacity for good as well, but in my opinion they are not ready or evolved enough to interact with us directly. And from what I have seen in their interactions with other species, they might try to eat/kill/cuddle our ambassador.

Power Up

My lovely lady and I were chatting the other day and the question of super powers came up. What super power would you choose if you could have any super power? Invisibility is at the top of the list, along with the ability to not go into a boiling rage when the taxi driver decides to park his beaten up minibus in the middle of the intersection so that one person can take an eternity to get in/out. But that got me thinking, what are the strangest super powers to ever grace comic books? I was very surprised when I looked it up!

1. Matter-Eater Lad
Matter-Eater Lad is from the planet Bismoll, where poisonous microbes made all food inedible, forcing the planet's inhabitants to evolve to have the ability to eat any form of matter. Matter-Eater Lad can also eat at super-speeds and consume matter otherwise thought to be indestructible, meaning that theoretically, he could eat Superman.

2. Bouncing Boy
Bouncing Boy made his comic book debut in 1961 after young Chuck Taine accidentally drank an experimental super-plastic formula he mistook for soda pop. He then gained the ability to inflate his body like a ball and bounce around without injury.

3. Arm-Fall-Off Boy
Arm-Fall-Off Boy's power stems from his ability to -- you guessed it -- detach his limbs and use them to beat evil-doers. Sadly, he was denied entry into the Legion Of Super-Heroes, despite the group inducting the likes of Matter-Eater Lad and Bouncing Boy. By all accounts, Arm-Fall-Off Boy was intended to be a joke character, and he very much was.

4. Squirrel Girl
This crime-fighting high-schooler can communicate with squirrels, but also has super strength, super speed and a retractable knuckle spike. She consumes macadamia nuts for extra strength and even has a squirrel sidekick. Squirrel Girl's crowning achievement is her defeat of the infamous Doctor Doom after she, umm, overwhelmed him with squirrels.

5. Red Bee
When Rick Raleigh isn't working as the assistant to Superior City's District Attorney, he's fighting crime under the guise of Red Bee. Red Bee has a swarm of trained bees stored in his belt to unleash on criminals at the ready. It is unknown how he trained the bees or how he is able to keep them in his belt (don't ask too many questions) but Red Bee is not to be confused with Yellowjacket, who can also control bees.

6. Zeitgeist
Alex Cluney has a very distinctive mutant power which enables him to spew acidic vomit from his mouth. Tragically, he discovered his power while making out with a girl; he vomited acid all over her and burned her face (thankfully she survived). His vomit is highly acidic, able to burn through 10-centimetre-thick steel in less than 30 seconds. Hopefully he also carries mints.

7. Infectious Lass
Drura Sehpt hails from the planet Somahtur, whose inhabitants can easily infect others with various diseases while they themselves remain immune to its effects. After travelling to Earth, Drura became Infectious Lass and began fighting crime, although her powers sometimes do as much harm as they do good, especially when she accidentally infects other heroes with illnesses.

8. Color Kid
Ulu Vakk was just a normal guy until a beam of multi-coloured light from another dimension struck him, thereby giving him the superpower to change to the colour of anything he wants.

9. Rainbow Girl
Dori Aandraison, also known as Rainbow Girl, can wield the mysterious power of the Emotional Spectrum, meaning that she has the ability to give herself unpredictable mood swings (ladies, amiright?!). Having always wanted to become an actress, she aspired to join the Legion Of Super Heroes in order to gain notoriety, but instead had to settle for the Legion Of Substitute Heroes.

10. Anarchist
Anarchist, one of the founding members of the X-Statix mutant superhero group, has the ability to secrete acidic sweat. His sweat allows him to project acidic blasts of energy. He and Zeitgeist should probably talk.

11. Dead Girl
Dead Girl's mutant powers were activated by her death (there's a shocker) which allowed her to continuously reanimate her corpse and come back to life, essentially making her immortal. Additionally, she can communicate with other dead beings, survive without any food, water or oxygen, and control severed parts of her body. And guys, she's (unsurprisingly) single.

12. Stone Boy
Dag Wentim is a native of the planet Zwen, where people developed the ability to turn themselves into stone for long periods of hibernation. Originally, he was unable to move in his stone form and was only able to transform into an immovable, nearly indestructible statue of himself, which was not very useful in battle (his teammates would sometimes drop him on villains). However, he eventually gained the ability to move while in his stone state.

13. Brother Power the Geek
Brother Power The Geek was originally just a mannequin in a tailor's shop. One day the mannequin was struck by lightning, which somehow not only brought it to life, but also gave it super powers. He may not look very formidable, but he has super strength and is nearly indestructible, though he is portrayed as a pacifist. (The original comic book debuted in 1968 and only lasted two issues before being cancelled.)

14. El Guapo
Robbie Rodriguez, a member of the X-Statix mutant group, has no discernible powers aside from a telepathic connection to a flying, seemingly sentient skateboard. He can control the skateboard with his mind, though the skateboard can also act through his subconscious thoughts. Sadly, after the skateboard falls under a curse, it flies out of control and impales El Guapo through the heart, killing him. Ironic, isn't it?

15. Jazz
Jazz appears to be a very special case in the X-Men universe due to the fact that his genetic mutation is not a power, but rather a change to his physical appearance, resulting in his skin turning blue. He has no other discernible powers or abilities. However, he is an aspiring rapper.

Somehow I am not very surprised that we never see the above heroes in any of the Avengers, Justice League or X-Men films.....

Cruel, Crazy, Beautiful World

For those of you who grew up in the 90's, the title of this post would mean that you now have Johnny Clegg's catchy hit song from that period stuck in your head. For those who have no idea what I am talking about, you are either too young or too lazy to just Google it. Shame on you! Anyway, I was lying in bed last night thinking about our country and the things happening in it and to it. Every day we get more news about corruption in government, or the fact that the Guptas were playing their own personal game of Monopoly with South Africa, or (unnecessary) fuel price hikes, or more strikes, or crime on the rise and so on. With the way things are going our national animal shouldn't be a springbok, it should be a rottweiler and our national anthem should be 5 minutes of gunshots, sirens and screaming.

I agree, this is not exactly a optimistic view of our country, but before you browse away looking for a passport and visa out of the country, or pictures of fluffy kittens or the nearest bottle store, bear with me. Yes, the country might be in chaos, and it might be ruled by people who think proper governance is something that comes as a cheap toy in a cereal box, but actually we still live in a beautiful place. We have the Big 5 (if you don't know what that is, why are you even on my blog), we have breathtaking scenery and we have a rich cultural heritage. Think about it, almost every week you read about floods in various parts of the world unceremoniously moving people's houses from one spot to another, or earthquakes knocking out power and playing dominoes with buildings, or typhoons/hurricanes/tornadoes/Justin Bieber causing chaos and completely ruining people's lives. Whereas here in South Africa, natural disasters tend to pass us by. A few years ago we had our very first tsunami warning. A massive wave was set to hit Durban and wipe out houses and businesses and cause death and destruction. Instead a large amount of surfers showed up and surfed a swell that was only marginally larger than the standard variety. Gauteng has recently experienced a few earthquakes which rattled windows and startled poodles, but nothing strong enough to cause any actual damage.

Let's face it, even the rest of the world acknowledges that we tend to be relatively free of any major meteorological or geological catastrophes. Look at any disaster movie where our planet is shown from space. The rest of the globe is encased in ice or submerged in water, but the continent of Africa is still there, sticking out of the ocean as proudly as a hippo in a bathtub. So relax, crack open a beer or pour a nice chilled glass of wine. As crazy as things seem, we are not all going to get washed away by the next cataclysm.....

Shower Thoughts

Recently I came across an article listing some "shower thoughts" that a selection of people shared online. Shower thoughts are defined as the strange and unusual thoughts that some people have while in the shower. And I'm not one to knock that, since most of my blog posts and short stories have their origin in a room filled with steam and whatever soap I have handy at that point! Without further ado, herewith some of the best Shower Thoughts I have found online so far....

"Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but there are no enemies."

"When we're young, we sneak out our house to go to parties. When we're old, we sneak out of parties to go home."

"There should be a reality show where flat-earthers have to find the edge of the world."

"If you run at 11pm you are a night person. If you run at 5am you are a morning person. If you run at 3am you are a suspicious person."

"Maybe dogs bring home sticks because that was bred into them over millennia of humans needing wood for fires."

"You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner."

"A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you."

"8 hours of drinking is binge drinking, 8 hours of TV is binge watching, 8 hours of sleep is barely enough."

"An underrated perk of being an adult is you no longer outgrow your clothes."

"Bean bags are just boneless sofas."

"The best part of cucumber tastes like the worst part of watermelon."

"Witches have black cats because if they had white cats they would have white cat hair all over their clothes."

"Drinking water with a minty mouth is the cold version of spicy."

"Only one sock goes missing because if both disappeared, you wouldn’t notice."

"25 years ago seeing a toddler use technology was seen as a stroke of genius, today it is largely met with thoughts of a lack of parenting."

"Your tongue’s ability to detect hair is underrated."

"The E's in pee/bee are silent."

"Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that's entirely end credits."

"Your dog thinks "fetch" is a game that the two of you made up, and he loves you for that."

"Knowledge is knowing that you can carry all of the groceries in at once. Wisdom is making multiple trips so that by the time you are done, other family members have put away most of the groceries."

"Accidentally liking someone's post while snooping through their profile is the digital equivalent of stepping on a twig while sneaking through the forest."

"Its common for babies to fall asleep and wake up in different locations all the time, but as an adult the idea of that happening is terrifying."

"Being shot with an arrow is basically being long-distance stabbed."

Why So Serious?

I was watching the Chris Nolan Batman trilogy again not too long ago. In one of the pivotal scenes of the second film, the Joker (brilliantly played by the late Heath Ledger) asks "Why so serious?" And, because I am rather weird and pick up on strange things, I thought to myself "Why am I so serious?" Yes, I do understand that the fact that I identify on some level with a psychopathic killer clown is a bit concerning, but hear me out. We live in a day and age where, all around us, the world is going belly up. Crime is at an all time high (and that is just in the Government), the prices of literally everything are going up and depressing news is everywhere. So in the face of all of this negativity we can either give in and hide in our fallout shelters (not that I have one, I'm just saying) or we can enjoy what we have.

Since having a daughter I have learned that it is okay to be silly sometimes. There are times where I have to just sit still and have her paint my face, usually making me look like I got farted on by a unicorn. Other times I have to duel with her and, because she is my daughter and thus just as weird as I am, she is usually in a dainty princess dress and tiara while wielding her mighty sword and chasing me around the garden. So, in short, it is okay to be silly at times.

This morning I saw a poster that went "I am a mature adult. I am a mature adult. I am a mature.....ah screw it! I am building a blanket fort! You need a password to get in. The password is monkey butt."
So today I am throwing down the gauntlet. To everyone out there reading this, whether on purpose or because you Googled the phrase monkey butt and ended up here, be silly! Lighten up! Build that pillow fort! Have your face painted badly by a 4 year old! Remember what it is to have fun!

Annual Suffering

A few weeks ago I caught a cold. Up to that point I had successfully been avoiding all the cold viruses that seemed determined to infect me. But alas, one can only resist it so long when everyone around you is coughing and sneezing up a storm. So, involuntarily, I joined the club. It started with the usual suspects: a sore, scratchy throat, a slightly runny nose and a bit of a fever. Naturally I got myself the usual round of cold meds and just kept going. But no, this cold was on the warpath! It would not go down without a fight!

Now, medical research, pharmacies and doctors everywhere maintain that there is still no cure for the common cold, something that has been around in some shape or form for centuries. I still firmly believe the cure was discovered long ago, but the pharmaceutical companies keep it under wraps because they make more money out of our misery. So needless to say, with a cold as determined as this one, regular meds were not cutting it. I woke up one morning with my voice missing in action and my throat swollen shut, so I finally decided to call in reinforcements and went to the doctor. He asked me about my symptoms and listened patiently while I whispered them out to him. Then he had a look at my throat, proclaimed that I had viral pharyngitis with a secondary bacterial infection, and promptly wrote me a prescription for half the meds in the pharmacy. He also sternly told me that he was sending me home where I had to stay quarantined for 3 days.

After working my way through the course of antibiotics, pain meds, corticosteroids and stuff to protect my stomach from the rest of the meds, I finally started to feel better. The cold still tried to hang on for another week or so, but faced with such an overwhelming onslaught of medication that I can't even spell or pronounce, it finally gave up.

Again, pharmaceutical companies, if you are listening, or browsed to my page by mistake while looking for the Dummies Guide to Raising Leeches please, I beg of you, release the cure for the common cold. End our annual suffering! Then you can focus on more important matters, like trying to figure out why politicians are all so darn dim-witted......

Now Hear This!

It has been said that the smallest thing you should ever put into your ear is your elbow. As, for various biological reasons, I cannot fit my elbow into my ear I have been ignoring this sage advice for years and have been using earbuds to clean out my auditory orifices. Not so long ago, during one of my cleaning sessions, I suddenly lost hearing in my left ear. While mildly concerning, I wasn't too worried. I figured that a piece of earwax had rebelled against my poking it with a cotton-tipped stick and was thus firmly lodging itself in place. After a couple of days though, it was clear that this tiny rebel was not going to give up without a fight so I bought myself some ear drops.

(Image for illustration purposes only. My ear is not nearly as fabulous!) Now keep in mind that I live alone, so I had to try and figure out how to get drops into a hole that I couldn't see. Eventually I wound up in front of a mirror, contorting myself like some circus acrobat high on cocaine and managed to splash myself in the face a few times. Eventually though, through trial and error,  I managed to get the drops into my ear. According to the instructions on the bottle, I had to fill up my ear canal and then stop it with a piece of cotton wool. After filling my ear to the brim and stuffing a fluffy plug into it I went to bed. This had to happen for two night's in a row. If, after that, the rebellious piece of earwax had still not relented, I would have to go to an audiologist in order to get my ear cleaned.

Alas, the piece of earwax proved extremely resilient, so with much trepidation I booked myself an appointment with an audiologist. Upon walking into their offices I was greeted warmly and led into an examination room. There the audiologist peered deeply into my eyes.....er....ear for a few minutes before asking a very embarrassing question: "You used earbuds, didn't you?" I mumbled an affirmative and she said that there was only one thing for it, she was going to irrigate my ear. I was confused because, in my mind, irrigation is giving water to some fertile piece of land in order for crops to grow. She proceeded to patiently explain that it just meant she was going to squirt some warm water into my ear in order to flush the wax out. That made more sense. She then handed me a little bowl and told me to press it tightly against my neck to catch the run-off. What followed was the weirdest sensation ever! She proceeded to squirt warm water into my ear, probably very gently but it felt like it was penetrating my soul! I was quite certain she was giving my brain a thorough washing.

After a few minutes of that, she allowed the water to run out of my ear before giving it another very thorough inspection. After declaring that the rebellion has been ended and all rebel forces had been washed away, she sent me on my way with a warning to never stick anything into my ear again. Lesson learned methinks!

I Need a Break

As you may have noticed, the frequency with which I post has declined to about one post a month. That is because I am busier than a beaver hyped up on coffee. My workload has reached mountainous proportions! Of course that means that I am yearning for a break. I long to take a vacation in order to unwind and de-stress. Otherwise I may end up like this.....

Now, the question becomes, where to go? There are many places to choose from, both locally and internationally. Some are quite affordable, others are only really available to those who run countries. And once you have identified your budget, you need to see if it is a location in which you can relax, or one in which you can have an adventure. And by adventure I don't mean trying not to kill the guy in the caravan parked next to yours who insists on playing Boney M's Going Back West at maximum volume at 3 in the morning. So I did a bit of a Google search and found the following:

Pripyat
Pripyat is an abandoned Ukrainian city near the location of the deadly Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant disaster that devastated residents in 1986. People travel to Pripyat in real life for adventurous and surreal experiences.

Igloo Village
Head to Ittoqqortoormiit (try saying that 5 times fast), Greenland where you can live with the Inuit and incredible wildlife that surrounds the Igloo Village. Dog sledding, traveling to frozen fjords, visiting deserted villages and sleeping in an icy cave are just a few of the things you can do at this cold weather destination. Hopefully the local bears won’t realize you’re a tourist and eat you out of spite.

Karni Mata Temple
In India’s state of Rajasthan, in the town of Deshnoke, the Karni Mata Temple receives thousands of visitors who wish to pay homage to a deceased 14th century mystic they believe is the incarnation of the goddess Durga. The temple is also home to an estimated 20,000 rats that locals believe are sacred and should not be harmed. The shrine attracts many tourists throughout the year who are curious about the rats that drink from bowls of milk and nibble on sugar when not crawling through specially made tunnels.

Seagaia Ocean Dome
The world’s only indoor beach was located Miyazaki, Miyazaki, Japan. Alas, it shut down in 2007, but during its 14-year run the Ocean Dome saw up to 1.25 million visitors per year — and I had to include it on my list. The Dome featured a fake volcano, fake sand, fake fish and fauna, a steady 30 degrees Celsius and water park rides. The vast man-made beach measured around 300 meters long and had a retractable roof that sported a permanent blue sky. Hopefully there are more of these in our future!

Gnome Countryside
Billing itself as a “breathtaking paradise and gnome biome nestled in the rolling hills of Amish farmland in southern Lancaster County, Pennsylvania,” Gnome Countryside was founded by Rich Humphreys — who doesn’t look much different than the legendary, dwarfish creatures honored at his unusual oasis. Visitors can go camping and hiking and learn more about the folkloric, bearded little people.

Craters of the Moon National Monument and Preserve
Central Idaho is home to a strange, apocalyptic-looking national monument and preserve. Visitors are drawn to the rugged landscape, which is roughly the size of Rhode Island. Some of the crusted lava is now thousands of years old and “lava tubes” have created a series of underground caves that can be explored. For the extra adventurous, backcountry hikes are also a draw, where people can visit seldom reached areas while hoping they don’t dehydrate. No natural water source can be found anywhere across Craters of the Moon.

Izu Islands
Carrying a gas mask with you at all times is mandatory (yes, it’s really a law) on Japan’s Izu Islands where the land rests right on top of an active volcanic chain that has erupted multiple times, most recently in the last 10 years. The release of harmful gases that regularly leak through the ground aren’t pleasant in the least, but the island is also known for its lush landscape making it a destination for brave tourists with strong noses the world over.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

As the father of a very sassy 4 year old, I get to have some strange conversations with her. Ranging from conversations about why bears are grumpy to lengthy discussions about the merits of keeping snails as pets, she surprises me every day with her wit and straightforward logic. I recently celebrated my birthday and, as a gift from her, she "baked" me a cupcake. In reality it was just a small toy cup filled with dirt and had twigs as candles and leaves as decoration. My conversation with her went as follows:

Tahlia: Papa, I made you a cupcake for your birthday!
Me: Thank you! It looks awesome! I can't wait to eat it!
Tahlia: You can't eat it, it's dirt!
Me: ........


As a result of our unusual conversations, I started wondering if there were other parents with the same experiences. A quick Google search revealed that, while my kid was definitely the cutest girl on the planet (I'm her father, deal with it) she was not the only kid surprising her parents with the weird things she comes up with. Herewith some of the best examples I have found....


1. Little girl with a wild imagination.
A few months back my wife showed a picture of herself to our 3-year-old daughter. In the picture my wife is about 7 years old. “Do you know who this is?”
Daughter: (gasps) “That’s me when I’m bigger!”
I love that she thought this was actually possible.

2. The simple logic of children.
My son when he was 6: “Dad, can we get a cat?” Me: “Your Mom is allergic to cats, so no.” My Son: “When Mom dies can we get a cat?” Me: “Sure.”

3. Sometimes, you have to set your mom straight.
This morning, my wife told my 3-year-old daughter that owls were nocturnal. My daughter responded, “Yes, owls are not turtles.”

4. A boy who is wise beyond his years.
My 4-year-old is currently singing a song he made up himself. He only has a chorus that goes “You can’t soooooolve Mississippi’s problems.”

5. Filter-less children.
Son and I are playing catch. I have a terrible throw that sails over his head. I say, “Sorry, that was a bad throw.” He stops, gives me a kind look and says, “No daddy, that was a wonderful throw.” Then takes 2 steps towards getting the ball. He stops again, turns back around and says, “When we say something nice, even when we don’t mean it at all, that’s called being polite, right?”

6. Any time a kid says “penis” it’s funny.
My four-year-old son was in the bathroom with the door closed.
I knocked and said, “What’s going on in there?”
His reply: “Nothing, it’s just me and my penis.”

7. A boy who simply loves nipples.
I was putting my son to bed when he was about 5, and after the bedtime story, right when I was tucking him in and turning out the light, he said “Nipples. I love ’em. What about you?” with this totally serious expression. It took major effort to remain composed and try to make it look like I was taking his question seriously.

8. A smart-ass little girl.
My little sister was at the doctor’s office for her annual check up–she had to be somewhere around 3. The nurse was asking all the standard coordination type questions–touch your nose, put your hands up, jump, etc. Being a healthy capable little devil, she’s doing everything fine. Then, the nurse says, “stand on one foot.” My little sister looks at the nurse, looks down, and hesitates. Then she walks over and stands on one of the nurse’s feet.

9. Why are kids so clever?
My cousin’s daughter’s response to “I love you,” was “I love me too” for the longest time.

10. A truly frightening mispronunciation.
While waiting in line to get her picture taken with Santa I was giving my 2-year-old daughter pieces of popcorn one at a time as a snack. I must have been a little slow with my delivery and she shouted “MORE COCKPORN DADDY” at the top of her lungs. It was awesome.

11. A boy on salad.
I was on the phone with my wife discussing dinner plans and my 7-year-old informed us that “salad is ruining my life.”

12. When kids take things too literally.
I try to make it a point to take about 10 min at the end of each evening to help my daughter straighten up her room.
After a particularly rough day, I sat down on the floor of her room to help her sort thru her dolls and I had muttered “I really don’t have the juice for this tonight…”
My daughter left the room and returned a few minutes later with a cup of apple juice for me.

13. Overheard: children talking in a first grade classroom.
Overheard in a first grade classroom:
“Well when my Mom and Dad practice wrestling I get to eat a whole bowl of ice cream and watch whatever movie I want!!!”
That was a fun one!

14. When life gives you lemons…
I gave my son a timeout from swords, light sabers, guns and (Thor) hammers due to him being too violent/aggressive. After about 10 minutes of quiet, I went to check on him and found him building w/ his Legos.
After I told him that I was proud of him for listening, I asked him what he was building. He told me he was building an ultimate Lego weapon so that he could destroy me.
I think he may have missed the point, but at least he’s persistent.

15. Another case of filter-less children.
My three-year-old niece is a great little girl, and she has a firm grip on the rules… So much so that she walks around repeating them from time to time. Usually it’s pretty mundane things like, “be careful around [her baby sister’s name]” or simply “don’t be mad.”
The unprompted sharing of the rules is pretty cute, but it is really great when some of the more private rules come out while eating dinner or walking in the store, like “only daddy says god damnit” or “don’t stick your fingers in your butt.”

16. A very picky trick-or-treater.
My son just turned two and is barely saying complete words. On Halloween we took him trick-or-treating and when someone would hold out their hand with candy, he would inspect it and if he didn’t care for what the candy was, he would look up and say ” no thank you” and then start towards the next house. It was hilarious.

17. Reaction to the first time she was asked to pee in a cup.
Not my son, but when I was a little kid, I had to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office. It was my fist time doing it, so my mom helped me. After I peed into it, I said to her, “I don’t have to drink it, do I?”

18. Kids just say the darndest things.
While driving on the interstate with my 2.5 year old in the back seat: “Any idiots out today, dad?”
Also, my wife was in the elevator with my son at work once, and a Sikh with a thick beard got on. My son pointed at him and said “wolfman.”

19. A boy who mixed up testicles with intestines.
My husband overheard his son talking with his friends about testicles at about age 8. The conversation went like this. “Those are the things that are underneath your penis.” “I think those are called balls,” tapping his chin thoughtfully. “No they aren’t. They are right here,” pointing to his abdomen. “What?” “You know, your large intesticles and small intesticles.”

20. Kids can be so simple…
My father was driving with my niece in the back. At one point she said, “How old are you granddad?”. “59,” he replied. “Oh, so next year you’ll be 60?” “Yes.” “And after that, you’ll be dead.” Then she just kind of shrugged her shoulders and looked out of the window.

What's in a Name

So, you are a multi-billion dollar company that has just spent 300 million dollars on a new arctic research vessel, but you can't decide on a name. So the most obvious choice is to open the choice of naming this prestigious new ship to the public. And the internet didn't disappoint! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you......Boaty McBoatface!

It appears that, in providing an opportunity for the public to name a very expensive science vessel something that would seem more appropriate for a toddler's TV show, it sparked a whole new wave of providing new and amusing names to serious topics. More specifically, animals. My father and I had a conversation about this topic over the weekend after he referred to zebras as Pajama Donkeys. I thought it might be fun to list some of the new animal names that I have found while browsing the web:

Porcupine - Stab Rabbit

Camel - Luggage Horse

Scorpion - Pinchy Dangerbutt

American Bison - Furry Lion Cow

Alligator - American Murder Log

Sloth - Muppetclaw/Rug Monkey

Hippo - Leather Bubblebear

Ostrich - Pantless Thundergoose

Raccoon - Trash Panda

Cow - Land Manatee

Bush Baby - Over-caffeinated Cuddlemonkey

Snake - Danger Noodle/Nope Rope

Mountain Goat - Wizard Cow

Skunk - Fart Squirrel

Sea Otter - Surf Weasel

Red Fox - Forest Corgi

Rabbit - Booplesnoot

Rhino - Short-sighted Boulder Squirrel/Battle Unicorn

Llama - Woolly Spit-horse

Red Panda - Cat Bear

Seagull - Beach Chicken/Poo Eagle

Zebra - Prison Pony

Hedgehog - Ouch Mouse

Sheep - Sweater Goat

Platypus - Duck Puppy

Stingray - Sea Flap

Seal - Water Dog

Squirrel - Tree Rat

Kangaroo - Velocirabbit

Owl - Angry Cat Bird

Eagle - Freedom Glider

Octopus - Floppy Sea Spider

Lobster - Dragon Shrimp

Tiger - Danger Zebra 

Mosquito - Noisy Needle-face

Tortoise - Lethargic Walkyrock

Naked Mole-rat - Bitey Nudist Mouse

Honey Badger - Rabid Murder Weasel

Dreaming

To all my readers, I do apologise for the lack of blog posts recently. Unfortunately this year has started off with a bang and I find myself busier than a toddler on Red Bull! Keep an eye out though, I will keep posting as time allows!

The other morning I woke up, having spent a night dreaming some of the weirdest dreams imaginable. I kept wondering if I had managed to ingest some hallucinogenic compound before bedtime. Thankfully I can't recall most of said dreams (as I may have to book myself in for some psychiatric evaluation) but that got me thinking, what do other people dream about. Are their dreams as weird as mine? I scoured Google for the answer, and apparently my dreams (weird as they are) pale in comparison:

 1. "I had a dream in which I spent a steamy evening with E.T., and he... pleasured me."

 2. "I dreamt about people who had waffles for heads and someone took a giant bite out of the top of one of them so he died and they had a funeral for him. I woke up crying."

 3. "Kit Harrington (Jon Snow from Game of Thrones) came over to me under Big Ben, put three balls of moss on me, and said, "Reading is everywhere" as a rainbow formed over his head."

 4. "At a scary red restaurant where they made kids sit on the floor, giant macaroni noodles came out of the ground and started eating people. We escaped, though."

 5. "Batman (Christian Bale's version) and Jareth the Goblin King (from the Labyrinth) were slap-fighting each other like children over who was going to go to the theater with me."

 6. "I once dreamt a sloth was doing my nails and kept telling me that I should invest in the stock market."

 7. "I was running away from the scary guy in the movie Scream (or Scary Movie) and he finally caught up to me and shoved my face into a bucket of spaghetti."

 8. "I was running through a maze and all of a sudden Kermit the Frog jumped out with a knife. I kept running until Dustin Hoffman rose from the ground and shot Kermit."

 9. "Big Foot was dressed up in drag riding a motorcycle around a small rectangular room full of mob dudes."

 10. "George Bush was showing me how to take pictures of cats. He was writing plays on a whiteboard like a football coach… showing a plan of action to capture the presidential cats as they lay multicolored eggs all over the place. "

 11. "Dinosaurs were overtaking my city. Peter Pan and I had to hunt down and fight the reigning T-Rex to restore balance to the Earth. Yeah."

 12. "I flick on the light to see Bruce Springsteen (in complete "Born in the USA" get-up) going through my sock drawer and stealing all my good pairs of socks. When I actually woke up I had to check the drawer, just in case."

 13. " I came back home from my elementary school, where everyone had become aliens. I saw my dad, and told him what happened. He responded, 'I'm not your dad,' and pointed at a nail sticking out from his head, which was proof of being an alien."

 14. "A badger was dressed up as a musketeer on his adventures to steal a magical spice rack from a zeppelin."

 15. "I had a dream that my parents had been abducted by a cult that was lead by The Undertaker from the WWE. I managed to beat him up with the coconut I had hidden in my cult robes."

Over the Hill

So a friend and I recently discussed going on a morning hike and yesterday, instead of just discussing it, we decided to actually do it. We went to the Faerie Glen Nature Reserve and, because we both enjoy walking, decided on doing a trail marked as difficult. In my head I thought "How hard can it be?" Famous last words! We set off on the trail in question and at first I wondered what all the fuss was about. It was a gentle stroll with the sun peaking out from behind the clouds and a gentle breeze wafting over us. And it carried on this way for quite a while. Then we spotted a trail that lead up what, in my mind, was a moderate hill. Yeah, right.....

The picture above is from the promotional material for the nature reserve's website. You can see the loose rocks and sand on the trail and in places you have to literally climb over boulders in order to carry on. My friend, being much fitter than me, went up the trail like a graceful gazelle, seemingly effortlessly. Whereas I trudged up the trail like a wounded buffalo. I was huffing and puffing in a way that would put the Big Bad Wolf to shame, barely halfway up what in my mind had now become Mount Everest. Embarrassingly I had to stop a few times to catch my breath while my friend was barely winded. But thankfully I persevered and was rewarded, after an hour or so's dragging myself over rocks and tree branches by sheer will, with the realization that the summit was just above me. A few more rocks to climb and branches to avoid, while sounding like an asthmatic elephant, I finally reached the top. The view was absolutely spectacular! My friend stood proudly, admiring the beautiful scenery, while I was standing next to her trying not to pass out.

Thankfully the route down was much easier, even though you had to rock-climb your way down in some places. And, inevitably, I did end up on my backside once, but thankfully my pride was bruised more than my body was. All in all it was a great experience, even though I thought she'd have to leave me up there. And now it has given me a new goal: to become fit enough to walk that same trail without looking like someone had dumped a bucket of water over me.