The Dentist

The title of my post is not in reference to the 1996 horror film of the same name, although the experience is remarkably similar! A while back I had chipped one of my molars but, as it was not a serious chip, I decided to just live with it. But at some point I started considering that the gap might start growing and become problematic, so with great reluctance and a lot of trepidation I made an appointment with the dentist.

On a side note, while looking for a picture to go with this post, I only came across pictures of smiling dentists and happy patients. Total and utter misrepresentation! The dentist might be smiling, but that is only in anticipation of the many horrors that they are about to unleash upon you! I am not a fan of the dentist, as I have never had any pleasant experiences while visiting them. This time was no different. I was ushered into the chamber of horrors and made to sit in the torture chair. With a friendly smile (and an inwardly evil snicker) the dentist asked me to sit back and open wide. She poked and prodded and scraped and eventually, inevitably, told me that she would have to repair my tooth. And so it began.....

First on the list was the dreaded injection. I am not a fan of needles in general, and definitely not one that has to be poked into my jaw in particular, so we were not off to a good start. She told me that she would numb my gums first, I wouldn't feel a thing. Yeah, not so much. It felt like she was trying to push the needle through my jaw and out the other side. Then, while waiting for the sedative to take effect, she started using that weird spike thing (as in the picture above) to supposedly clean my teeth. It felt (and sounded) like the proverbial nails on a chalkboard, but in my head. Then she used some sort of machine to clean and polish my teeth, which also set my skull rattling. All while the side of my face was going numb. Eventually she turned her attention to the main event, the tooth in need of repair. She started drilling and chipping away at it, and I suspect the sedative had not taken full effect yet because at times it felt like she was drilling into my soul. And the noise the drill makes was akin to a swarm of mosquitos buzzing around in my skull. Add to that the fact that, not only was the dentist's hands in my mouth, but her assistant's as well. And for some reason they always feel like chatting, asking you questions which you have no way of answering. I assume this is part of the torture. Maybe they are trained to do it in medical school. The person who can ask the most questions that require a lengthy response from the patient while they have most of the dentist's arm in their mouth is the winner.

Eventually my tooth was repaired and I was allowed to sit up again. I half expected to look out of the window and see the  moon and stars, as the appointment had felt like it had gone on for most of the day. But no, in reality only 30 minutes had elapsed. I was given my bill, which was substantial, and a list of instructions. They also asked me one or two more questions, probably so that they can inwardly giggle at my attempts to answer them with half of my face still soundly asleep. I am convinced that being a dentist is one of the most profitable jobs on the planet. You get to poke, prod and drill into patients all day long and then charge a massive fee for it. And of course get some silent pleasure out of making your patient try and answer inane questions with while being elbow-deep in their mouths......

Enquiring Minds

I recently received a list of questions that I wouldn't normally think of asking other people. But upon reading through the questions I started wondering about their answers. Maybe you can come up with a few.....

1. Who let the dogs out? Has this person ever been found?

2. Has anyone ever found the way to Amarillo?

3. If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, will he still hear his iPod?

4. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

5. If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

6. How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

7. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

8. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

9. Why does grape flavour smell the way it does when actual grapes smell and taste nothing like it?

10. Why does quicksand work slowly?

11. If a bald person works as a cook at a restaurant, does he have to wear a hairnet?

12. Why is it if we "skate on thin ice" we can end up "in hot water"?

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. Are eyebrows considered facial hair?

15. Why are there no "B" batteries?

16. If a surgeon suddenly had a heart attack while operating, would the other doctors work on the surgeon or the patient?

17. How can something be "new and improved"? If it is new, how can it be improved upon?

18. If a mime is arrested, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat always round?

20. If vampires can't see their reflections, why is their hair always so neat?

And a bonus question:

If Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga or Ke$ha were all in mortal danger and you could only save one of them, what kind of sandwich would you make for lunch?