Fitness Fanatics

During the week a friend and I met up for a visit. At some point during the conversation the topic of fitness came up. We decided to order another round of beers and discuss it. We all know that we have to stay healthy and keep fit. And there are a myriad of ways to do so. One of the options that I am looking into is to take up cycling. I just refuse to wear modern cycling apparel which makes you look like a cross between a power ranger and a comic book villain. Another option is to get a gym membership. And this may be the most daunting option of all!

Upon entering most gyms you are faced with a bewildering array of equipment. (Or torture devices, depending on your mind set.) Most of the time you will be wearing an expression that is a mix of fear and cluelessness. This is usually when one of the personal trainers will stomp on over to see if they can be of any assistance. These guys normally look like they regularly bench press locomotives, just for fun. So now you are faced with a mountain of a man with more muscles than a small country, usually towering over you and so filled with testosterone that you can feel your body hair growing just standing next to him. Outwardly you put on a brave face but inwardly you want to turn and run away just in case he decides to eat you.

In April I decided to venture into a small gym located in a shopping centre to see if it was any better. Imagine my surprise when the gym was almost smaller than my flat and had no equipment in it at all. Seeing my bewilderment, a ridiculously good looking buxom blonde bounced over to me and explained that this gym utilised electrical muscle stimulation. So, in essence, they stick little electrical pads to various locations on your body which generate small electrical impulses which cause your muscles to contract. They couple this with an exercise routine so that you get double the exercise you normally would. In theory it sounds quite plausible. In reality that means that I am going to already be trying not to poop myself while going through the normal exercise routine, and now they are going to be inducing small electric shocks as well. It sounds like a recipe for utter disaster for someone as unfit as I am!

I recently discovered a mockumentary that sheds some amusing light on what really happens in most gyms. Be warned, there is some strong language involved:

The Common Cold

Yes, it is that time of the year again. The time of the year where temperatures plummet faster than political promises. And while we have not experienced any truly arctic temperatures this year, it has been enough for some crafty airborne viruses to do the rounds. There has been a resurgence in swine flu and a wide variety of other exotic and unwanted illnesses associated with winter. I was lucky to have escaped most of it until this past weekend. I woke up on Sunday morning feeling fine but then had a bit of a scratch in my throat by midday. By the time evening swung around my throat felt like I had gargled with molten glass and my voice sounded like that of a serial killer in a horror film bent on threatening teenage girls over the phone.

Yes, someone had graciously (and unwantedly) shared their cold with me. Unfortunately I do not know who this generous individual is, otherwise I would have graced them with a glare colder than our temperatures. Sleep was completely out on Sunday evening. I could barely swallow because of the rawness of my throat, and every time I fell asleep my now blocked nose would cause me to wake myself with the horrendous sound of my own snoring. And not the normal run-of-the-mill blocked nose snoring. No! I am pretty sure I sounded like a misfiring farm tractor on a cold morning. The neighbours probably thought that I was working on a diesel engine through most of the night.

The rest of the week brought a nose that ran more than I do. Any sudden head movement would cause my nose to unleash a rather unwanted torrent. Then, especially when I am nowhere near a convenient bathroom, I would have to give a mighty sniff, one that makes me sound like a pool cleaner sucking on an especially large leaf. With the tide momentarily stifled I would have to seek out a bathroom where I could temporarily relieve the pressure in my nasal cavities, only for it to start again 10 minutes later.

Around the second day I also developed a cough. One that made me sound like I had the black plague, or at least an interesting and disgusting variation of it. Conversations would have to be halted because I would cough like a dying Buick and then have to run to the bathroom to get rid of the offending stream of mucus that would follow. The cough would also interfere with my sleep, but thankfully I procured some medication that would suppress it until the following morning, when the whole coughing/sneezing/sniffing/dying thing would start all over again.

Thankfully I am on the mend and my trips to the bathroom to blow my nose have lessened considerably. My coughing is also not so bad anymore. I can actually have a conversation without sounding like I am about to keel over mid-sentence. I think I have mentioned this in a previous blog post, but I suspect the cure for the common cold has been discovered ages ago. The pharmaceutical companies just don't want to release it because they are making way too much money out of our misery. I think we should, when we develop a cold, walk into one of their laboratories and go sneeze/cough/drip on them, and see how they like it. The cure will be released pretty soon after that....