Side Effects

Some of you may recall that I had to go to hospital a few months ago. This was so that I could pay a doctor a large amount of money to tell me that I have something wrong with the electrical conductivity in my heart. Something that I am still convinced an electrician could have done for much cheaper. The cardiologist put me on some medication and sent me on my merry way. Only, after a few months, I am no longer so merry. It turns out that these meds have some really weird side effects.

Some of the actual side effects listed for the drugs that I am taking are as follows:

• Drowsiness or trouble sleeping
• Loss of appetite (anorexia) or increase in weight
• Anxiety and/or nervousness
• Nightmares and vivid dreams
• Hallucinations
• Depression
• Dizziness, headache, restlessness
• Extreme tiredness
• Dry, sore eyes, reduced tear flow
• Blurred vision or seeing objects more yellow than they are
• Temporary loss of hearing
• Kidney problems

Now, I don't know about you, but to me this drug seems to cause more problems than it actually solves. And let's face it, some of those side effects are downright bizarre! So either you will be drowsy, or you will have trouble sleeping. When you sleep you will have extremely vivid nightmares, and when you are awake you will see dragons in the kitchen and hear voices. But the dragons won't be in focus because of blurry vision. And you won't hear the voices clearly because you will temporarily lose your hearing. Then you will lose your appetite but pick up weight which will depress you, and your kidneys might fail but you won't be able to move because of extreme tiredness. I'm really surprised they don't have side effects like losing the ability to see the colour blue and developing an uncontrollable urge to lick strangers in the face.

I really wonder how drug companies can say "Right, this drug is making people involuntarily breathe fire, fart at funerals and grow a third nipple. But at least it cures their runny nose!" So in solving one symptom they are creating many more. And let's face it, the additional effects are somewhat more severe than the symptom they are trying to cure. Maybe it is an effect of the drug that I am on, but I just can't wrap my head around it.....

The Madness Continues

Last week I told you the weird tale of a strange creature who (badly) rules a beautiful country. In the aftermath of last week's chaos there have been people marching all over the country, protesting his actions and calling for him to step down. All the residents of this beautiful country, black, white, Indian, Chinese, Coloured, they all joined together in protest. It was a splendid show of unity in the face of adversity! And what did our strange creature do? He called the protest action racist. This puzzled me greatly, as people of all races joined together in protest against him. That is when I remembered that he is unlike any person on this planet, and hence is probably not a member of any of the races that protested against him.

Because of his questionable choices I believe that our strange creature has many advisers. Sure, they are doing their job very badly, but I think he hasn't realised it yet, so he continues to seek their counsel. I suspect that, apart from his local advisers, he also has one that he secretly recruited from overseas. Most likely from California in the United States. One that thinks surfing is a career choice and whose work attire consists of a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and sandals. He is probably called Kurt. I can imagine the conversation between our strange creature and Kurt one morning over tea and dagga koekies.

JZ: "Kurt, I am......going to make.......some changes. People will be very.......upset with me. What can I..........do to calm them down."
K: "Give them weed bro. People love weed!"
JZ: "I don't want......to spend more money. That sounds.......very expensive."
K: "Naw dude, make it legal for them to grow their own weed. That way it won't cost you anything!"
JZ: "That sounds......like a great idea. Thank you.....Kurt."
K: "It's all good man. Just make it illegal to sell weed. I don't want to put my dealer out of business!"

My sister suggested an ending to my tale of the strange creature. One where he comes face to face with Superman. After warning our strange creature to clean up his act and learn to count, they shake hands in a show of solidarity. At that moment Superman sneezes, his Kryptonian physiology reacting to the strange creature's touch. Cargo ships take flight, a massive sinkhole appears, a volcano erupts in Ghana, and Superman is left holding the strange creature's hand. But alas, there is no sign of the creature himself. And so peace and prosperity is brought back to the beautiful country, and we will all live happily ever after...

Strange Creatures

Not so long ago in a galaxy not that far away, there lived a strange creature. In appearance he was strange, for his skull was oddly shaped, suggesting (falsely) that it contained multiple brains. Anyone who spoke with this creature would have a hard time understanding him, because his speech was peppered with commas placed at odd intervals. This unusual creature lived in a beautiful country. A country filled with wildlife, natural wonders and, perhaps more importantly, did not contain Justin Bieber.

Now, I should point out at this stage that our previously aforementioned unusual creature actually ruled this wondrous land. How he came to be leader is still uncertain. Maybe he possesses strange telepathic abilities that enable him to enchant the masses. Another of his superpowers include washing away debilitating diseases by simply taking a shower. He truly is a strange and unusual creature!

Not too long ago he decided to expand and improve his dwelling, as it was deemed unsafe. So to enhance its safety and security he added a helipad (which is probably unnecessary as he can float due to excess amounts of hot air), underground bunkers (which probably contain copies of a very controversial painting containing a spear), a security team to fetch him some Nandos, a firepool (because swimming pool sounds too boring) and a chicken run. Because chickens are essential to a good security strategy.

Recently he decided that there were too many competent and reliable people in his government, so he got rid of them and placed wholly incompetent people in their stead. But he did not take into account the effect this would have. Immediately the very earth rebelled, sending tremor after tremor through the land. The local currency became close to worthless overnight and they had to legalise a previously taboo drug just to calm the population down.

What will become of this wondrous country and its people? What will this strange and unusual creature do next? Will this tale have a happy ending? Only time will tell.......