Getting Stuck

We've all been there; you hear a catchy or annoying song somewhere and it gets firmly stuck in your head for days on end. Sometimes you are lucky and it is a song that you actually enjoy. But sometimes it is one that drives you to insanity. Even after listening to other music in an attempt to rid yourself of the offending tune, a short while later you find yourself humming it again. Unfortunately most modern pop songs have that effect on me. I hear a song, dislike it immediately with a loathing bordering on supreme hatred, but it gets planted more firmly than a wet lollipop on a toddler's hair. And then, after a long while, I manage to finally rid myself of the offending tune and someone walks past humming it, and it is right back in there. Usually leaving me with this expression....

What is it about certain songs that get them stuck on repeat in your brain? Could it be that, with songs we enjoy, your brain wants to store them for your future listening enjoyment? But, if that is the case, why is it that so many extremely annoying songs can get as firmly entrenched in our memory banks? Maybe our brains are going "Remember, this is a song that annoys you. Don't listen to it!" and then keeps repeating it so that we are aware that we should avoid it at all costs. Usually accomplishing the exact opposite.

My brother-in-law recently shared a song with me. One that is so catchy that it will get stuck in your head probably for the rest of your natural life. But at the same time it is so annoying that you will want to take a pot scourer and try and scrub it out of your brain in an attempt to get rid of it. Honestly, listening to someone grinding metal while badly playing bagpipes would be more enjoyable! Unfortunately for me, that song is still stuck on repeat on my mental MP3 player, so in order not to suffer alone, here it is for your enjoyment (infuriation).....

The Oblivious Gender

A little over a year ago, I wrote a post lamenting the fact that ladies these days are all completely oblivious to the existence of gentlemen, yet they constantly complain about the lack of gentleman in the world. And, one year on, I can honestly say that hasn't changed. Yesterday, while at a shopping centre, I held open a door for a lady. She walked through without so much as a "thank you". She didn't even glance in my direction. In another store I moved to the side of the aisle so a lady with a shopping trolley could get past me. Again, no "thank you" or any acknowledgement of any kind. And then, on Facebook, I saw another post commenting that gentlemen are rare breed, a dying species.

Ladies, let me clarify this for you. Gentlemen are not rare. They are not dying out. They are out there, right now, holding open doors and moving out of your way in shopping aisles. You are just absolutely oblivious to their presence. I suspect the problem is that ladies these days think that, when a guy is nice to you, he automatically wants to get into your pants. As I mentioned in my post one year ago, your pants won't fit us! We are not trying to sleep with you (because we don't really do slumber parties) or trying to get your number, we are simply holding open a door for you as an act of kindness. We don't expect you to throw off your clothes and climb on top of us out of sheer gratitude. A simple "thank you" will suffice.

A poster I saw the other day sums it up nicely: "Women all want Superman but they walk past Clark Kent every day." This is very true! So ladies, here's a thought; pay attention. While you are walking through your local shop and a guy offers to carry some heavy item, or hold a door open, or even just gets out of the way so that you can get past with your trolley, thank him. Notice that he is not humping your leg or following you home, he is simply helping you. We are out there ladies, and we are here to stay!

The Terror in the Towel

So this morning after taking a shower, I grab my towel from its railing to dry myself. To my horror, after the removal of the towel, an eight legged shape descended from the towel railing and hung in mid-air, glaring at me for removing the foundations of its new home. Now, I'm not a fan of spiders in general, and I strongly dislike spiders in my home in particular. So I decided, since this spider wanted to share in my belongings, I introduced it to my flip-flop. Thereafter I sent it on an all expenses paid trip down the toilet.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that spiders are an essential part of nature. I just prefer that they stay in nature instead of moving in with me. People frequently tell me "Don't kill them, they catch mosquitos." but the only spider I have ever seen munching down on a mozzie is a daddy-long-leg. And since they are generally harmless I let them be. As long as they stay out of my personal space, that is. A while ago the people I rent from decided to cut down a tree outside of my flat, which for some reason, gave every black widow and brown recluse spider the bright idea to move into my place. This meant war! I was not going to share my space with venomous spiders. Thankfully, after seeing how many losses they suffered, they wisely decided to look elsewhere for lodging.

I'm part of a Facebook group that people who live in my city can join. During our rainy season people frequently post pictures of rain spiders (or huntsman spiders, for those who live down unda) that enter their home. While considered harmless, they are terrifyingly large. And extremely quick! To me that should be against the laws of nature! I've seen rain spiders varying in size from DVD to dinner plate. And for something that large to move as quick as they do is wrong on so many levels. The inevitable comment "Don't kill them, they catch mosquitos." gets thrown around whenever someone posts a picture of these monstrosities. But no, they don't catch mosquitos! They are the size of a small family hatchback! They don't notice mosquitos!

I have mentioned in a few previous blog posts that I dislike spiders, and I do apologise for subjecting you to yet another post on the subject. But until spiders decide to stay outside where they belong and stop being so tremendously creepy, I am afraid I might mention my utter dismay at their existence from time to time....

The Art of Wine

When you stroll into your local liquor store, you are presented with a wide variety of wine. Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Shiraz, Pinotage and a whole bunch of other names that are hard to spell. To me wine has always just fallen into two varieties, namely red and white. My knowledge of wine extends only to drinking it, but apparently there is a whole lot more to it than that....

There is pomp and circumstance, there are procedures and rules to follow before you can even start drinking wine. Apparently first you have to look at it. Pour it into your glass and just gaze longingly and appraisingly at it. One site describes this as follows:

Step 1
"The first step in tasting a wine happens before you actually taste the wine. When the wine is first poured into your glass — before swirling it, smelling it, or sipping it — just look at it. The reason you look at the wine is to get a sense of its color, as a wine’s color can tell you a lot about the wine you’ll be drinking. When doing this, many people like to hold their glass of wine against a white background, as that helps you see the hue of the color more easily."

This seems a bit strange to me, as I already know what my wine looks like. It is either red or it is white. I don't need to ogle it in order to appreciate it! Then there is step two; the swirl.

Step 2
"Once you’ve looked at the wine in your glass and determined what the color means, the next step in tasting is to swirl and agitate the wine. Everyone has their own unique technique for swirling wine, and that’s OK. Some people leave the bottom of the wine glass firmly planted on the table and just make a few circles with the base, while others like to pick the wine glass up and slightly flick their wrist, thereby making little circles in the air. Finally, others like to be extremely showy with their swirling, making grandiose motions like they’re getting ready to lasso a steer (we’d suggest avoiding this final type of swirling — it can be seen as obnoxious to your fellow drinkers)."

Apparently this oxygenates the wine, allowing it to breathe. Why my wine needs to fill its "lungs" before I can drink it also baffles me. And the sentence "Once you’ve looked at the wine in your glass and determined what the color means" also gets to me. It is red! Or white! Why would it mean anything?! Then, apparently, it is on to step three, The Sniff!

Step 3
"Now that you’ve looked at the wine and swirled it around in your glass, there’s only one more step before you get to drink it: smelling the wine. When you smell a wine, you’re preparing your brain for the wine you’re about to taste. Our sense of smell has a profound affect on the way our brain processes flavor. If you want to better understand just how profound, hold your nose and then put a strawberry in your mouth and start to chew. Halfway through chewing, release your nose. You’ll notice right away how much more you actually taste when you have your sense of smell. This is why smell is so important when it comes to tasting a wine."

Preparing my brain for the wine I'm about to taste??? I bought the wine, I opened it, I poured it into my glass. My brain, body and soul are all prepared! There is no need for additional preparation in my opinion. I just want some wine! And then there are the subtle aromas, or notes as they are called. This just gets even more weird....

"When you go to smell the wine, stick your nose all the way into the glass and close your eyes — sure you might feel silly doing it, but you’re going to notice a lot more smells this way — then breathe in deep. As you smell the wine, think about what scents you’re picking up, and keep in mind that there are no wrong answers! If it’s a white wine, maybe you smell bananas, lemon rind, pineapple or even that scent that is always in the air when you go to the beach. If it’s a red wine, you may smell prunes, cherries, strawberries, peppers, plums or tobacco. In both situations, you may say you just smell grapes, and that is totally fine too."

Looking at the description above, I suspect someone sampled the wine before writing it! Call me plain and uncultured if you like, but I just like sharing some wine with friends and family, chatting about every day things and enjoying the company I am in. I suspect if I followed the steps above I would most likely be drinking it all by myself, as everyone else would have gotten bored and left....

Online Dating

Seeing as I have been single for a while now, I thought I'd start looking for a companion again. As I do not frequent pubs, except one where one of my friends performs as a singer, or go to clubs (because if someone saw me dancing they'd think I am having an epileptic fit and call an ambulance) I decided to go the online dating route. And what a strange world it is!

There are a myriad of online dating sites, some legitimate and others rather questionable. On some you see page after page filled with pictures of beautiful women, none of who actually have any knowledge of the site or of the fact that their pictures are being used. In all likelihood "KindCandice_32" is actually a overweight man sitting in his mother's dark basement in his underwear picking Cheese Curls out of his chest hair.

Then you get the sites where people can actually upload their pictures. Now keep in mind that these people are looking for a life partner but their profile picture is either this blurry silhouette, which makes you wonder if the picture is of them or the Loch Ness Monster, or something just showing the top of their head. Alright, yes your hair looks very nice but I kind of want to see your face as well! Then, you get some that seem to use the first and best picture they can find and upload that. Have you ever lay in bed working on your phone and you accidentally open the front facing camera and are faced with an image of you doing your best impression of Jabba the Hut? It appears some people just think "Meh, why not?" and upload that. We are going for a good first impression here!

It must be said that I did meet a very good friend of mine on a dating site. We did try the dating thing and it didn't work out, but we remain close friends. So anything is possible! And given the sheer amount of dating sites out there, surely one must find luck on one of them. So I shall bravely venture out into that strange world, facing all the weirdness that it has to offer. Onwards! For King and Country and all that jazz......

The Dentist

The title of my post is not in reference to the 1996 horror film of the same name, although the experience is remarkably similar! A while back I had chipped one of my molars but, as it was not a serious chip, I decided to just live with it. But at some point I started considering that the gap might start growing and become problematic, so with great reluctance and a lot of trepidation I made an appointment with the dentist.

On a side note, while looking for a picture to go with this post, I only came across pictures of smiling dentists and happy patients. Total and utter misrepresentation! The dentist might be smiling, but that is only in anticipation of the many horrors that they are about to unleash upon you! I am not a fan of the dentist, as I have never had any pleasant experiences while visiting them. This time was no different. I was ushered into the chamber of horrors and made to sit in the torture chair. With a friendly smile (and an inwardly evil snicker) the dentist asked me to sit back and open wide. She poked and prodded and scraped and eventually, inevitably, told me that she would have to repair my tooth. And so it began.....

First on the list was the dreaded injection. I am not a fan of needles in general, and definitely not one that has to be poked into my jaw in particular, so we were not off to a good start. She told me that she would numb my gums first, I wouldn't feel a thing. Yeah, not so much. It felt like she was trying to push the needle through my jaw and out the other side. Then, while waiting for the sedative to take effect, she started using that weird spike thing (as in the picture above) to supposedly clean my teeth. It felt (and sounded) like the proverbial nails on a chalkboard, but in my head. Then she used some sort of machine to clean and polish my teeth, which also set my skull rattling. All while the side of my face was going numb. Eventually she turned her attention to the main event, the tooth in need of repair. She started drilling and chipping away at it, and I suspect the sedative had not taken full effect yet because at times it felt like she was drilling into my soul. And the noise the drill makes was akin to a swarm of mosquitos buzzing around in my skull. Add to that the fact that, not only was the dentist's hands in my mouth, but her assistant's as well. And for some reason they always feel like chatting, asking you questions which you have no way of answering. I assume this is part of the torture. Maybe they are trained to do it in medical school. The person who can ask the most questions that require a lengthy response from the patient while they have most of the dentist's arm in their mouth is the winner.

Eventually my tooth was repaired and I was allowed to sit up again. I half expected to look out of the window and see the  moon and stars, as the appointment had felt like it had gone on for most of the day. But no, in reality only 30 minutes had elapsed. I was given my bill, which was substantial, and a list of instructions. They also asked me one or two more questions, probably so that they can inwardly giggle at my attempts to answer them with half of my face still soundly asleep. I am convinced that being a dentist is one of the most profitable jobs on the planet. You get to poke, prod and drill into patients all day long and then charge a massive fee for it. And of course get some silent pleasure out of making your patient try and answer inane questions with while being elbow-deep in their mouths......

Enquiring Minds

I recently received a list of questions that I wouldn't normally think of asking other people. But upon reading through the questions I started wondering about their answers. Maybe you can come up with a few.....

1. Who let the dogs out? Has this person ever been found?

2. Has anyone ever found the way to Amarillo?

3. If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, will he still hear his iPod?

4. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

5. If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

6. How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

7. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

8. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

9. Why does grape flavour smell the way it does when actual grapes smell and taste nothing like it?

10. Why does quicksand work slowly?

11. If a bald person works as a cook at a restaurant, does he have to wear a hairnet?

12. Why is it if we "skate on thin ice" we can end up "in hot water"?

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. Are eyebrows considered facial hair?

15. Why are there no "B" batteries?

16. If a surgeon suddenly had a heart attack while operating, would the other doctors work on the surgeon or the patient?

17. How can something be "new and improved"? If it is new, how can it be improved upon?

18. If a mime is arrested, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat always round?

20. If vampires can't see their reflections, why is their hair always so neat?

And a bonus question:

If Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga or Ke$ha were all in mortal danger and you could only save one of them, what kind of sandwich would you make for lunch?

Fitness Fanatics

During the week a friend and I met up for a visit. At some point during the conversation the topic of fitness came up. We decided to order another round of beers and discuss it. We all know that we have to stay healthy and keep fit. And there are a myriad of ways to do so. One of the options that I am looking into is to take up cycling. I just refuse to wear modern cycling apparel which makes you look like a cross between a power ranger and a comic book villain. Another option is to get a gym membership. And this may be the most daunting option of all!

Upon entering most gyms you are faced with a bewildering array of equipment. (Or torture devices, depending on your mind set.) Most of the time you will be wearing an expression that is a mix of fear and cluelessness. This is usually when one of the personal trainers will stomp on over to see if they can be of any assistance. These guys normally look like they regularly bench press locomotives, just for fun. So now you are faced with a mountain of a man with more muscles than a small country, usually towering over you and so filled with testosterone that you can feel your body hair growing just standing next to him. Outwardly you put on a brave face but inwardly you want to turn and run away just in case he decides to eat you.

In April I decided to venture into a small gym located in a shopping centre to see if it was any better. Imagine my surprise when the gym was almost smaller than my flat and had no equipment in it at all. Seeing my bewilderment, a ridiculously good looking buxom blonde bounced over to me and explained that this gym utilised electrical muscle stimulation. So, in essence, they stick little electrical pads to various locations on your body which generate small electrical impulses which cause your muscles to contract. They couple this with an exercise routine so that you get double the exercise you normally would. In theory it sounds quite plausible. In reality that means that I am going to already be trying not to poop myself while going through the normal exercise routine, and now they are going to be inducing small electric shocks as well. It sounds like a recipe for utter disaster for someone as unfit as I am!

I recently discovered a mockumentary that sheds some amusing light on what really happens in most gyms. Be warned, there is some strong language involved:

The Common Cold

Yes, it is that time of the year again. The time of the year where temperatures plummet faster than political promises. And while we have not experienced any truly arctic temperatures this year, it has been enough for some crafty airborne viruses to do the rounds. There has been a resurgence in swine flu and a wide variety of other exotic and unwanted illnesses associated with winter. I was lucky to have escaped most of it until this past weekend. I woke up on Sunday morning feeling fine but then had a bit of a scratch in my throat by midday. By the time evening swung around my throat felt like I had gargled with molten glass and my voice sounded like that of a serial killer in a horror film bent on threatening teenage girls over the phone.

Yes, someone had graciously (and unwantedly) shared their cold with me. Unfortunately I do not know who this generous individual is, otherwise I would have graced them with a glare colder than our temperatures. Sleep was completely out on Sunday evening. I could barely swallow because of the rawness of my throat, and every time I fell asleep my now blocked nose would cause me to wake myself with the horrendous sound of my own snoring. And not the normal run-of-the-mill blocked nose snoring. No! I am pretty sure I sounded like a misfiring farm tractor on a cold morning. The neighbours probably thought that I was working on a diesel engine through most of the night.

The rest of the week brought a nose that ran more than I do. Any sudden head movement would cause my nose to unleash a rather unwanted torrent. Then, especially when I am nowhere near a convenient bathroom, I would have to give a mighty sniff, one that makes me sound like a pool cleaner sucking on an especially large leaf. With the tide momentarily stifled I would have to seek out a bathroom where I could temporarily relieve the pressure in my nasal cavities, only for it to start again 10 minutes later.

Around the second day I also developed a cough. One that made me sound like I had the black plague, or at least an interesting and disgusting variation of it. Conversations would have to be halted because I would cough like a dying Buick and then have to run to the bathroom to get rid of the offending stream of mucus that would follow. The cough would also interfere with my sleep, but thankfully I procured some medication that would suppress it until the following morning, when the whole coughing/sneezing/sniffing/dying thing would start all over again.

Thankfully I am on the mend and my trips to the bathroom to blow my nose have lessened considerably. My coughing is also not so bad anymore. I can actually have a conversation without sounding like I am about to keel over mid-sentence. I think I have mentioned this in a previous blog post, but I suspect the cure for the common cold has been discovered ages ago. The pharmaceutical companies just don't want to release it because they are making way too much money out of our misery. I think we should, when we develop a cold, walk into one of their laboratories and go sneeze/cough/drip on them, and see how they like it. The cure will be released pretty soon after that....

Pain in the....um....Eye

For a few months now, I have experienced a scratching sensation in my right eye. Some days it would be barely noticeable, other days it would feel like I am constantly being poked in the eye with a splintery stick. On those days even light would cause my eye to ache so much that it would constantly water and turn an alarming shade of red. To other people it would look like I am half grieving over some devastating personal loss (the other eye being completely oblivious and thus not watering at all). Shortly after it started I went to the optometrist and was told to not wear my contact lenses as it sounded like an infection, and that it would clear up by itself in a few weeks.

Alas, it did not, and after two months of not wearing contact lenses the pain and irritation still persisted. So I returned to the optometrist, who decided to run a few more in-depth tests. She looked deeply into my eyes (with a big machine, not romantic in the least) and declared that she could not see anything out of the ordinary. Thereafter she turned my eyelid inside out, which was just as uncomfortable as it sounds, and declared that she had found the infection, as my inner eyelid was inflamed and red. As she could not determine what kind of infection it was with her equipment, I was referred to an eye specialist. Unfortunately I could not get an immediate appointment with him because he was fully booked for two weeks.

But, finally, the day of my appointment arrived and I was shown into the eye specialist's office. They did an eye test wherein they found that, unsurprisingly, I could not see very clearly with my irritated eye. I could have saved them some effort there! Next, the eye specialist used a much more powerful machine to look deep into my eye and declared that there was a microscopic piece of plastic lodged in the single celled layer covering my cornea. It had been there for so long that it had been covered by that single layer, and that was the cause of the immense irritation. He put some sedative in my eye and told me to hold still, as he was going to use a needle to try and pry it loose. Never in my life had I focused on a spot on the wall more than in that moment. I had visions of me flinching and him having to book me into hospital to remove the now lodged needle from my eye.

Thankfully that didn't happen, but unfortunately the needle had no success. So he took another little device and, after applying some more sedative, started it up. It sounded like a dentist's drill and he told me to keep still again. It was only after this device had successfully removed the piece of plastic that he informed me that it was in fact a small drill, and that he had drilled through the single celled layer in order to get to the offending piece of detritus. A contact lens was fitted which would protect my eye and I was given a prescription for antibiotics that I had to apply every 4 hours. Then I was sent home with instructions to have some pain medication on hand. That confused me as, apart from a lot of blurriness, my eye didn't hurt. Unfortunately a short time later the sedative wore off and it felt like someone had scraped sandpaper over my eye. The pain was immense! I sat in the dark, almost vampirically afraid of light sources, for two days. Then it was time for my follow up appointment, during which the contact lens was removed and I was told my eye is healing beautifully.

Now, two weeks later, the pain is gone and, apart from a slight blurriness, my vision has returned. I am still using eye drops every four hours, which is rather annoying, but at least I can get on with my daily routine without looking like I have just returned from a funeral. All-in-all this was a very unpleasant experience, but I thank the Lord that all is well! And with that, I will be "seeing" you soon......

Holding Out for a Hero

Right, now that you have Bonnie Tyler's massive blond mane and raspy voice singing through your head, we can continue. It has been said that a dad is his daughter's hero. He can do anything, fix anything, be anything. He is stronger than Superman, faster than the Flash and can handle more repair jobs than Bob the Builder. His mighty arms provide comfort and in his presence nothing can go wrong. And as a dad, that is a lot of pressure!

My little one clearly has a lot of faith in my fatherly abilities. One night, while outside and gazing at the full moon (which she has always adored) she asked me to hold her up high so that she could touch it. I had to explain rather quickly that it is quite far away, and that she wouldn't be able to reach. Another time she brought me a rubber toy that had been treated rather differently than the designer had anticipated and was thus mangled and broken. With her big beautiful brown eyes sparkling with daughterly trust she asked me to repair it. I should explain that it had started off its life as a rubber lizard, but now resembled a thoroughly masticated jelly baby. I had to tell her that, unfortunately, said rubber lizard was beyond even my ability to repair.

There are many other examples of her tremendous trust in my supernatural abilities:

• She once asked me to make a helium balloon float again.
• Another time she asked me to pick up her boerboel and throw him on the house's roof so that he could chase and scare off birds that were annoying her.
• On another occasion, while preparing to make dinner, she declared that because I had handled the food it had magically been made edible and wanted some immediately.
• I have to occasionally do animal impressions for her as a game, the most interesting request was to pretend to be a zebra (with all the appropriate sound effects)
• She recently went on her first major airline flight and enjoyed it so much that she constantly requests to do it again. Once, when I answered that it was too expensive to do it regularly, she told me to simply build a Boeing so that we would have one of our own.

I suspect that dads everywhere can identify with the adoration that our little ones shower upon us. But I also suspect they can identify with the weird requests that our kids can come up with, because let's face it, in their innocent eyes we are all heroes.

Innocence Lost

So my little one is a big fan of animated movies. And let's face it, Disney and Pixar can crank out some really awesome ones. But of course, having a pre-schooler does mean that you have to watch the same animated movie at least 17 592 times before they get bored of it. Which usually lasts about two weeks and then they want to watch it again, just to make sure. So the other night, while watching The Lion King for the 739th time, I started noticing some rather adult references, something that would, thankfully, pass the little one by. So I thought I'd scour the internet and see if what I glimpsed was true. And I found a lot more than I bargained for! It appears that animated filmmakers like to sneak in some very adult humour in an attempt to amuse the more mature watcher:

Cars

This Pixar film about a world with living cars looks like a lot of fun, until you have a look at some of the characters depicted. I draw your attention to a rather inappropriate van in the picture above.

At some point during the movie, two of Lightning McQueen's female fans flash their headlights at him. I don't think I have to explain that reference.

Monsters Inc

Monsters Inc is another award winning Pixar film. The story revolves around monsters that scare children in order to power their city using the sound of the children's screams. In a heartwarming turn of events, they realise that children's laughter has much more power. In the scene above though, it might be the adults laughing. Have a look at the drawing to the left of the door.

Ratatouille

There are lots of funny moments in this movie that would slip past a younger audience. One such moment is where Linguini tries to reveal the truth about his cooking ability to his love interest, Colette. When he starts the sentence with "I have this tiny..." she briefly looks down to his trousers with concern.

The main villain in the film, food critic Anton Ego, also makes a rather adult reference when discussing how he rates food. He blatantly states "If I don't love it, I don't swallow."

Mulan

In the Disney animated film about the great Chinese female general Mulan, the Fa family guardian Mushu, portrayed by Eddie Murphy, explains his tremendous powers to Mulan. His abilities include being able to see right through Mulan's armour, causing her to try and cover up.

 

The Lion King

Now for the film that made me take notice of the rather R-rated moments in children's films. At some point Simba and Nala frolic together after meeting up again after years apart. At some stage during their playful session, Nala licks Simba on the cheek and then lays back and gives him a look that, thankfully, only adults will understand.

During the catchy musical number "I Just Can't Wait to be King" Zazu, portrayed brilliantly by Rowan Atkinson chases after Simba who is riding an ostrich. He flies through some trees and over some very, um, suggestively shaped hills.

These were just a few of the more mature moments in animated films. There are literally hundreds of others that I haven't mentioned. Clearly, when it is time for the little one to learn about the birds and the bees, no explanation is necessary. Just throw on a Disney and relax.....

 





Joyride

I'm not referring to the extremely catchy Roxette song from the early 90's. No, I am talking about the things that we do to amuse ourselves in our cars. Let's face it, as adults we spend quite a large part of our day driving around. And sometimes during our automotive wanderings, we get stuck in traffic. Now, when stuck in traffic, you have a wide variety of options. You can sit and steam, frustrated at the lack of movement, until all the windows in your car are fogged up. You can open your windows (weather permitting), turn up the radio and share your early 90's music with the rest of the traffic. Or you can get creative. One particularly balmy day I was stuck on a highway with traffic moving slower than a sloth on marijuana when I spotted a female driver in the car next to me calmly blowing soap bubbles. I had to look away for a moment and then look back to ensure that I was not suffering some heat induced delusion, but no, she was actually blowing soap bubbles. And it was actually cheering up everyone in the cars around her.

I've spotted some strange things in traffic, from people applying eye and lip makeup to someone actually pulling faces at themselves in the rear view mirror. One particular day during the morning rush hour (which never actually seems to rush anywhere) I spotted a young lady dancing to some tunes behind the steering wheel. The man in the car behind her opened his sunroof, got her attention by flashing his lights and proceeded to stand up on his seat and dance along with her. This amused other motorists greatly thereby improving everyone's mood.

On another day that started off quite chilly but warmed up very quickly I was also (unsurprisingly) stuck in traffic. The car next to me had two young ladies in it and the one in the passenger seat decided that it was getting a bit warm. So she proceeded to take her jersey off. Unfortunately for her, she had grabbed her shirt as well and only realised it when both shirt and jersey were already above her head, thus displaying the fact that she had decided to forgo underwear that morning to everyone in the surrounding cars. She realised her mistake very quickly and managed to cover up, but not before markedly improving the mood of all the males in the cars around her. It just goes to show, you never know what you'll see if you are vigilant enough......

Google It!

A friend and I were discussing Google earlier. It has become an indispensable tool and let's face it, most of us would struggle without its ability to provide us with information within seconds. But you do get the select few who are struggling with questions that the rest of us would not normally think of. Just to get an idea I Googled (obviously) the most random questions ever revealed by Google's search suggestions. I was not disappointed!

What was typed: why does my husband....
Best search suggestion: why does my husband wear panties

What was typed: what....
Best search suggestion: what are these strawberries doing on my nipples I need them for fruit salad

What was typed: what would a....
Best search suggestion: what would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way

What was typed: I like to ta....
Best search suggestion: I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur

What was typed: sometimes when I'm....
Best search suggestion: sometimes when I'm alone I use comic sans

What was typed: I am....
Best search suggestion: I am extremely terrified of Chinese people

What was typed: why....
Best search suggestion: why can't I own a Canadian

What was typed: I did th....
Best search suggestion: I did the Macarena in an elevator with a homeless guy because big bird said to and he's my leader

What was typed: what would happen....
Best search suggestion: what would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other

Clearly you get some rather unusual people out there! Strange searches on Google actually prompted a comedy channel called College Humor to bring out a 5 part series called "If Google was a Guy". While extremely funny it does highlight some of the weirder aspects of internet searches.

If Google was a Guy - Part 1

 

If Google was a Guy - Part 2

 

If Google was a Guy - Part 3

 

If Google was a Guy - Part 4

If Google was a Guy - Part 5

 

Side Effects

Some of you may recall that I had to go to hospital a few months ago. This was so that I could pay a doctor a large amount of money to tell me that I have something wrong with the electrical conductivity in my heart. Something that I am still convinced an electrician could have done for much cheaper. The cardiologist put me on some medication and sent me on my merry way. Only, after a few months, I am no longer so merry. It turns out that these meds have some really weird side effects.

Some of the actual side effects listed for the drugs that I am taking are as follows:

• Drowsiness or trouble sleeping
• Loss of appetite (anorexia) or increase in weight
• Anxiety and/or nervousness
• Nightmares and vivid dreams
• Hallucinations
• Depression
• Dizziness, headache, restlessness
• Extreme tiredness
• Dry, sore eyes, reduced tear flow
• Blurred vision or seeing objects more yellow than they are
• Temporary loss of hearing
• Kidney problems

Now, I don't know about you, but to me this drug seems to cause more problems than it actually solves. And let's face it, some of those side effects are downright bizarre! So either you will be drowsy, or you will have trouble sleeping. When you sleep you will have extremely vivid nightmares, and when you are awake you will see dragons in the kitchen and hear voices. But the dragons won't be in focus because of blurry vision. And you won't hear the voices clearly because you will temporarily lose your hearing. Then you will lose your appetite but pick up weight which will depress you, and your kidneys might fail but you won't be able to move because of extreme tiredness. I'm really surprised they don't have side effects like losing the ability to see the colour blue and developing an uncontrollable urge to lick strangers in the face.

I really wonder how drug companies can say "Right, this drug is making people involuntarily breathe fire, fart at funerals and grow a third nipple. But at least it cures their runny nose!" So in solving one symptom they are creating many more. And let's face it, the additional effects are somewhat more severe than the symptom they are trying to cure. Maybe it is an effect of the drug that I am on, but I just can't wrap my head around it.....

The Madness Continues

Last week I told you the weird tale of a strange creature who (badly) rules a beautiful country. In the aftermath of last week's chaos there have been people marching all over the country, protesting his actions and calling for him to step down. All the residents of this beautiful country, black, white, Indian, Chinese, Coloured, they all joined together in protest. It was a splendid show of unity in the face of adversity! And what did our strange creature do? He called the protest action racist. This puzzled me greatly, as people of all races joined together in protest against him. That is when I remembered that he is unlike any person on this planet, and hence is probably not a member of any of the races that protested against him.

Because of his questionable choices I believe that our strange creature has many advisers. Sure, they are doing their job very badly, but I think he hasn't realised it yet, so he continues to seek their counsel. I suspect that, apart from his local advisers, he also has one that he secretly recruited from overseas. Most likely from California in the United States. One that thinks surfing is a career choice and whose work attire consists of a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and sandals. He is probably called Kurt. I can imagine the conversation between our strange creature and Kurt one morning over tea and dagga koekies.

JZ: "Kurt, I am......going to make.......some changes. People will be very.......upset with me. What can I..........do to calm them down."
K: "Give them weed bro. People love weed!"
JZ: "I don't want......to spend more money. That sounds.......very expensive."
K: "Naw dude, make it legal for them to grow their own weed. That way it won't cost you anything!"
JZ: "That sounds......like a great idea. Thank you.....Kurt."
K: "It's all good man. Just make it illegal to sell weed. I don't want to put my dealer out of business!"

My sister suggested an ending to my tale of the strange creature. One where he comes face to face with Superman. After warning our strange creature to clean up his act and learn to count, they shake hands in a show of solidarity. At that moment Superman sneezes, his Kryptonian physiology reacting to the strange creature's touch. Cargo ships take flight, a massive sinkhole appears, a volcano erupts in Ghana, and Superman is left holding the strange creature's hand. But alas, there is no sign of the creature himself. And so peace and prosperity is brought back to the beautiful country, and we will all live happily ever after...

Strange Creatures

Not so long ago in a galaxy not that far away, there lived a strange creature. In appearance he was strange, for his skull was oddly shaped, suggesting (falsely) that it contained multiple brains. Anyone who spoke with this creature would have a hard time understanding him, because his speech was peppered with commas placed at odd intervals. This unusual creature lived in a beautiful country. A country filled with wildlife, natural wonders and, perhaps more importantly, did not contain Justin Bieber.

Now, I should point out at this stage that our previously aforementioned unusual creature actually ruled this wondrous land. How he came to be leader is still uncertain. Maybe he possesses strange telepathic abilities that enable him to enchant the masses. Another of his superpowers include washing away debilitating diseases by simply taking a shower. He truly is a strange and unusual creature!

Not too long ago he decided to expand and improve his dwelling, as it was deemed unsafe. So to enhance its safety and security he added a helipad (which is probably unnecessary as he can float due to excess amounts of hot air), underground bunkers (which probably contain copies of a very controversial painting containing a spear), a security team to fetch him some Nandos, a firepool (because swimming pool sounds too boring) and a chicken run. Because chickens are essential to a good security strategy.

Recently he decided that there were too many competent and reliable people in his government, so he got rid of them and placed wholly incompetent people in their stead. But he did not take into account the effect this would have. Immediately the very earth rebelled, sending tremor after tremor through the land. The local currency became close to worthless overnight and they had to legalise a previously taboo drug just to calm the population down.

What will become of this wondrous country and its people? What will this strange and unusual creature do next? Will this tale have a happy ending? Only time will tell.......

Parenthood

There is a chill in the air. Autumn is heading to South Africa. And apparently there is something in the water, as most of my female friends and acquaintances are pregnant. Normally this wouldn't concern me, but a while back, while calling a medical aid provider for a quote, they took me through a checklist to see if I qualify. One of the questions that the call center agent asked me is whether I am currently, or have recently been, pregnant. I should explain that no-one who hears my voice can doubt that I am of the male persuasion, so this question caught me off guard. Just now it is an actual thing! What if I get pregnant too?!

As a parent of an almost 4 year old I can confirm that parenthood is wonderful! It is probably one of the most blessed and exciting experiences that you can have. So I wish all my female friends the best with their pregnancies. But that got me thinking. Pregnancy and parenthood is depicted rather strangely in the media, and I thought I'd share these "totally accurate" depictions with you.

Anybody who has ever had to change a baby/toddler's diaper knows that it is like trying to restrain Jean Claude van Damme when he is hopped up on caffeine. You are trying not to have poop fly everywhere while getting more body blows than someone squaring up to Mike Tyson. So why would they design something that enables the toddler to kick all the stuffing out of your boobs?

Right, so Susan (not her real name) here is letting her kid, who is at an age where they have the coordination of a giraffe on meth, stand on a rickety stool while watching her prepare a meal. Possibly with sharp utensils. And why on earth are they both in white? That is arguably the worst color to dress a toddler in! The kid is also in easy reach of all the crockery and fruit out of which she can take bites without you noticing and then put it back.

There are lots of fun activities that you can do as a family while on vacation. You can go swimming if you are near a body of water, you can take in the local sights and sounds, and if you are in an exotic location, the culture as well. So why would you lie in bed all dreamily staring at your suitcase? Something tells me they drank the water after repeatedly being told not to.

Right, every parent on the planet knows that this is the worst position to have your baby in. It is not bad for the baby, but I bet you two seconds after this picture was taken, the lady so lovingly kissing the baby was covered in half-digested baby formula.

Your eyes lock from across the room. She gives you a look that is pure heat. You can feel your temperature rising as she drops another play block into the bucket. Wait, what? Let's face it, nothing says sexy like sitting on the floor in evening wear picking up toy bricks.

Spending time with our kids are some of the most cherished moments we will ever have. But spending time with your kids while half-dressed and sitting in a field? I'm not so sure about that. Maybe she forgot her pants because she hasn't slept in two days.

One of my absolute favourites, this one. Having kids sitting next to an open fire on a highly flammable fake fur rug while roasting marshmallows that will shortly be dripping sticky goo everywhere. And there is absolutely no chance of the three of them rough-housing and someone being shoved face-first into the fireplace.

I have to admit, I am not the only one making fun of this phenomenon. The lovely people over at "It's Like They Know Us" served as the inspiration for this post. You can find their site here. Whether you are a parent, or whether you do not have kids yet, I urge you to go and check them out. It will be well worth it!

What in the World?

Let's face it, most of us have used Google Maps to try and find the easiest routes to places that we need to go. And let's be honest, we've used Google Street View to check out our houses, friends' houses and so on. It is such a handy and fun tool! But because you have cameras mounted on cars driving through the streets on a daily basis, there are bound to be some weird things captured on film.

People in Pigeon Masks - Tokyo

A Skier Falling Face First into a Shop - French Alps

Someone climbing through a Window - Pittsburgh

A Massive Chicken - Pittsburgh

"Warriors" Fighting in the Street - Pittsburgh

The Stig from Top Gear Standing Next to Loch Ness

A Guy in a Horse Head - Aberdeen

A Fancy Dress Party - Shetland

A Man on a Penny Farthing Towing a Penguin - Western Australia

A Man Who Really Likes Puppies - Chicago

News Flash!

I enjoy staying up to date on current affairs. That usually includes perusing our local news sites for the latest updates. Every now and then though, a local politician decides to hold a press conference about a pressing issue, and makes a complete fool of him/herself.

 

A short while ago our Minister for Water and Sanitation announced that the reason our water levels remain critically low is because people are stealing our water from the dams. They haven't managed to catch these people because they probably do it at night when no-one's looking. Anyone who has information on these criminals are urged to come forward.

Then, in another cringe-worthy press conference, our Minister for Health said that the major cause of cancer and stroke in South Africa is the doggy style position. He said that after three years of arduous research it was found that the high pumping of blood during sex, when one is kneeling or standing, overloads the veins in the legs which ultimately causes stroke.

The latest article that caught my attention was a press conference held by Zimbabwean first lady Grace Mugabe in which she stated that girls have a much higher chance of getting pregnant than their male counterparts, and thus should take extra precautions during sex. “Girls have a higher chance of falling pregnant than boys. If you look at the statistics, girls have nearly 100% chance of getting pregnant, while boys have nearly zero chances of falling pregnant. This means girls have to be extra extra vigilant”, she said.

Why do we even bother having comedians in Southern and Central Africa? Clearly they are outclassed by our political figures! No wonder the world thinks we are a joke....

Instant Millionaire!

So this morning when I checked my mail, I noticed a mail from a Nigerian princess offering to do business with me. Her family is extremely wealthy and she would like to share their wealth with me, should I choose to assist them. All they would require in return was my banking details so that they could deposit the funds. That is all! The easiest money I would ever make! Unfortunately for Princess Virginia Khampala I saw right through her scheme.

I still struggle to understand how people fall for these schemes. In fact, it has puzzled me so that I wrote a previous post about it, that can be found here. In that post I mentioned James Veitch, a man who decided to take on these scammers by spamming them right back. And recently he released another video about his quest to spam the spammers. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Heartbreak

So a little over a week ago I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when my body decided it was bored and tried to liven things up a bit. I developed chest pains and had trouble breathing. And I did what any self-respecting person would do and just ignored it. The pain eventually subsided but the tight feeling in my chest didn't. After a few days of this I decided to seek the opinion of a medical professional and went to a clinic for a checkup. They did an ECG and immediately declared that I had to go to hospital. Seeing as I was upright and breathing I considered this overkill, but they were adamant.

On arrival at the hospital I spent 45 minutes checking in. This was mostly due to the reception desk being unable to reach my medical aid. While I was sitting in reception waiting for someone at my medical aid to notice the ringing phone, I wondered what they would have done had it been an actual emergency. Would they have tried to keep me alive while still waiting for someone to answer? After quite some time I was told that my medical aid had finally realized that the ringing sound wasn't in their ears and answered the phone. I was told to report to the cardiology ICU ward. There the nurses tried to figure out why I was there, as I was younger than all the other patients in the ward by at least 40 years. Eventually they told me to strip down and handed me one of those hospital gowns where your butt is on display for everyone to see and stuck me in a hospital bed.

A myriad of ECG, blood pressure tests and blood tests followed. They were drawing so much blood that I was wondering if I would have any left. When my test results finally came back I was told that everything looked okay but I was being held overnight for monitoring. I spent the night hooked up to a blood pressure machine, an oxygen monitoring system and a drip. They had to spend 5 minutes disconnecting me every time I went to the bathroom. I really started feeling like someone in a white coat with wild hair was going to try and conduct electricity into me while yelling "It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!" Thankfully I was discharged on the condition that I be back a few days later for an angiogram.

For those who don't know, an angiogram is where they make an incision in your groin, right next to your old chap, and then thread a piece of wire up a major artery and into your heart. I suspect the surgeon just secretly likes to see you with your pants down. The angiogram itself was quite painful. It felt like they were trying to shove a firehose into my body. Thankfully it didn't last very long but then I was told not to move for 4 hours lest I rupture my tortured artery and bleed to death. Very comforting thought!

The end result of this whole thing is that I am actually fine. They've done every blood test they could think of, and a few that I am pretty sure they made up on the spot, and they have declared me healthy. The problem turned out to be the way that my heart conducts electricity. If I knew that beforehand I might have just saved myself a lot of trouble and hired an electrician!

Restart Required

This morning I had to install a content management system for the company I work at. And the installation, though lengthy, went well. Upon attempting to launch the application I was informed that I needed to restart my computer. Alright, annoying but I suppose necessary. So I restarted my computer. Then, after the restart, I try and launch the application only for it to inform me that it can't connect to its database. Nowhere during the installation did it tell me that it had a burning desire to connect to a database, so one was not installed. After a bit of grumbling I installed database software, only for my PC to once again inform me that a restart was required in order for certain files to become available. I was quite annoyed at this point but gave a deep sigh and once again restarted my computer. After the restart the database application still failed to install, and after some creative Googling I found the issue. After fixing the issue and attempting to install the database application, it again wanted a restart.

My question is this, why does Microsoft even want us to use computers if all they do is constantly restart your computer?! You install updates, you have to restart. You install an application, you have to restart. Your PC is misbehaving, you have to restart. North Korea tests a nuclear weapon, you have to restart. It is enough to drive one absolutely crazy! But that got me wondering, couldn't we apply Microsoft's problem solving solution to every day things? For example, your Government is corrupt, reset the Government. Makes sense to me! Maybe IT guys should be making decisions, we would get a lot more done!

Bathroom Break

So I was having lunch with my dad, his fiance, my uncle and his girlfriend on Sunday and a good time was had by all. At some point I decided to answer nature's call. Upon finishing my ablutions and trying to exit the bathroom, I realised that the key had broken in the lock and the door would not open. Being a man I tried all sorts of ways to get the door open before finally realising that I will need to call in reinforcements. Imagine my dad's surprise when he received a phone call from me from within the bathroom. When I explained my situation it was met with much hilarity and the entire family congregated outside the bathroom door to offer comment or reassurance.

The first step was to see if there was a spare key, but alas, no such luck. So a wide variety of tools was handed to me through the bathroom window. The plan was to remove the door itself. So I valiantly set to work trying to get the pins out of the hinges. Unfortunately the first pin was quite comfortable where it was and resisted my efforts at removal. But, with great determination, effort and a desire to not remain in the bathroom for the rest of the day, I managed to finally convince the offending pin to relocate. It should be said that, at this point, my family members were all congregated outside the bathroom window, providing commentary and advice. I secretly wondered what the neighbours would think were they to peek over the wall.

After the removal of the first pin the second one gave up without a fight, probably not wishing to endure the same treatment that I had given the first one. Unfortunately the door remained resolutely in place, even after some well-placed kicks from the other side. I decided to wash the dust and grime off of my hands and had just turned to the sink when the bathroom door suddenly landed right on top of me. It turns out that my dad's fiance, in her best Hollywood cop persona, had taken a run-up and flung her full weight against the door. Like any criminal faced with Hollywood justice, the door gave up immediately.

After crawling out from under the door I removed the lock and we put the door back on its hinges. After testing to see that the door could open and close (this time from outside of the bathroom) we could once again settle down for some coffee and biscuits. This was definitely not the quiet Sunday that I had imagined I would have! In future, when nature calls, I think I will just quietly slip into the garden and go seek a tree......

We are the Bored

During the festive season my neighbours went somewhere with lots of sun, sand and waves. That left their Jack Russel to sit around all day being extremely bored. While the entertainment of a dog does not rank high on many people's lists, it became a priority of mine when said dog decided to yap for absolutely no reason in an effort to a) entertain itself, b) drive me completely insane, c) all of the above. I eventually resorted to buying the bored canine dog toys and chewy treats just to shut it up. Alas, I did not succeed. But that got me thinking, what other ways do people have to beat the boredom? I found a list of ways in which people entertain themselves while bored at the office and thought I would share it with you. Who knows, it just might inspire you!

1. "When I am bored at work I make lightsaber noises with my pen. Today I got caught."

2. "Sometimes when I am bored at work I will speak to people in a really high voice while maintaining a straight face, just to amuse myself."

3. "Whenever I am bored at work I think of ways to break into the office if I ever get locked out."

4. "When I am really bored at work I start narrating everything I am doing in a game show announcer voice in my head."

5. "When I am really bored at work I like to write 'I'm watching you' on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people."

6. "Sometimes when I am bored at work I sit and cut my split ends one hair at a time."

7. "I practice my signature for hours on end when I get bored at work."

8. "Sometimes when I am bored at work I will just sit and stare at myself in the mirror."

9. "When I am bored at work I will try and see how much water I can fit in my mouth from the water cooler."

10. "Sometimes at work when I get bored, I will use the office supplies for arts and crafts."

11. "Sometimes when I get really bored at work I will change my desktop theme to places around the world and flip through the pictures and pretend I am traveling the world."

12. "When I am bored at work I write resignation letters because even though I can't afford to quit, it makes me feel better to pretend that I can."

13. "I'm the guy at work that bends up all the paper clips when I get bored. My coworkers are starting a witch hunt to find the person who is wasting office supplies."

14. "I'm not normally one to take selfies, but when I am alone and bored at work I suddenly become a supermodel."

15. "I engage my boss in idle chit-chat when I get bored at work because I know he will just keep going on for at least an hour if I let him."

16. "When I get bored at work I move stuff around to confuse people."

17. "When I am bored at work I dial random extensions and if they answer I yell 'Get off the phone! Get back to work!"

18. "Sometimes when I am bored at work I read smutty fan fiction in my cubicle."