Love in the Strangest Places

I read something on Facebook that intrigued me greatly. And because I like to confirm facts I looked it up and found it to be true. I read that the anglerfish mates by the male finding a female, biting her and releasing an enzyme which causes them to merge together to the point where they are sharing the same bloodstream. They literally become one flesh. It is a very sweet love story, unfortunately told by one of the creepiest creatures on the planet....

Let's face it, if you saw that face in the middle of the night, heck, even the middle of the day, you would run away screaming in the opposite direction! It is not what I would classify as cuddly. This fish is a predator that lurks in the depths of the ocean, luring in unsuspecting prey with the little light-emitting extension on its forehead. When prey get in close to examine this shining beacon in the dark ocean, their last impression is one of jagged teeth and a swift death. Not exactly an endearing quality!

And yet, the story of the anglerfish female and her mate is almost Biblical. The juvenile male will swim around, his entire existence focused on finding a female. Most of the time he will be unable to fend for himself, as he is much smaller than the female and not yet fully developed. Upon finding a female he attaches to her as I described in the first paragraph and they become as one. He relies on her for food and she relies on him for sperm. And it stays this way until her death. They can go through several mating cycles, always together, sharing literally everything.

I pointed out to a friend of mine that the story of the anglerfish is very Biblical, two becoming as one flesh and sharing every experience together. But I did mention that is was a shame that such a worthy love story was being told by one of the ugliest things on the planet. She then pointed out to me that, in God's eyes, our righteousness is like filthy rags (see Isaiah 64:6) and so in essence, we are much more like the anglerfish than we would care to admit! So who knew that in the dark depths of the ocean, a murky place filled with terror and teeth, lives a creature that so perfectly sums up God's plan for marriage. It just goes to show, we serve an amazing God!

Doomed! Or are we?

Just when we thought South Africa couldn't get any stranger, news reports have surfaced about a Pastor in Limpopo using aerosol insect killer to heal his congregants. And how does he do it? Does he mix it with special herbs and spices and feed it to them? Does he dilute it in a special liquid and sprinkle it over them? No, he sprays it on them. Directly in their faces in most cases.

Let's take a look at the situation. Doom is a South African insecticide meant for killing spiders, cockroaches, ants, moths, flies, mosquitoes and a variety of other creepy crawlies that managed to find their way into your home. And it is meant to do so quickly and efficiently. No questions asked. So when it was revealed that a Pastor was dousing his congregation in it in order to "heal" them, the internet jumped on it faster than a playful cat on a bare ankle.

I know that a lot of Pastors like to preach Doom and Gloom, but this one takes it rather literally. And when asked about it, he responds like most way-out-there Pastors do, namely God told him to do it. Now, don't get me wrong. I absolutely believe in the healing power of God. I'm just not entirely certain about having to be sprayed in the face with insecticide in order to receive it.

I wish I could say that we all just misunderstand this guy. That maybe he saw a fly hovering around on a hot day, grabbed a can of Doom and gave it a good spraying. Unfortunately a worshipper was in the way and he had to come up with an excuse. But no, he believes in his methods all the way. I know that I do not possess infinite wisdom or vast archives of knowledge, but I cannot fathom how this works. I mean, what is a Sunday service like in that church?

Pastor sprays a worshipper in the face. There is thud as the worshipper hits the ground.
"There we go, she is healed!" the Pastor exclaims.
"Um, Pastor? She's dead." a deacon would announce.
"Yes, but she is not sick anymore, is she!"

Call me old fashioned, but I think I shall just stick to my own church, if you don't mind.....

A Beautiful Mind

I saw a post on Facebook that had me chuckling:

I was laughing, not because it seems absurd, but because I can identify with it completely! To me, mathematics has always been in the same league as other major human mysteries, such as "How to win arguments with women" and "How can a toddler that is 3 feet tall end up at the top of a gigantic tree in under 10 seconds". I am convinced that mathematics is actually a secret Nazi plot to mess with us all!

I once did a maths exam where the only thing I got right on the entire maths paper was my name. And that was it. Afterwards the teacher asked to speak to me and advised me to never ever take up any profession that requires mathematics. On that day I decided that it sounded like a very wise suggestion and I have since followed it wholeheartedly.

I have to admit, I do know one or two people that are good at maths. They can do extremely complicated calculations in their mind and get the answer right every time. And I have decided that they are not from our humble little planet. They probably come from some obscure planet in a far-off galaxy that no-one has ever heard of or cared about. And maths is part of their language. That is how they communicate with one another. Some poor unlucky soul probably just happened to overhear a conversation and thought "Now that sounds interesting!" If you want further proof that aliens exist and influence our culture significantly, look at dubstep. I am convinced it was actually alien communication sent to Earth in order to make contact but people started dancing to it instead.

Further proof that maths is some sort of supernatural torture is its effect on the space-time continuum. It can actually make time slow down. Just take those last five minutes of maths class on a Friday afternoon and you will know exactly what I am talking about!

Currently in South Africa there is a major trend where everything must fall. Fees must fall, Data must fall, Science must fall. And while I don't agree with how the people go about demonstrating their displeasure with things that must fall, if someone comes up with Maths must fall, I will wholeheartedly stand with them!

Scaredy-Cat

While perusing my usual morning news sites, I happened upon an article about the top 10 creepiest jobs in South Africa. I was quite surprised while reading through the list, as I thought it would include clowns and possibly politicians, but alas, I was wrong. So herewith the Top 10 Creepiest Jobs in South Africa.....

1. Gravedigger
Do you enjoy being outdoors? Are you a fan of manual labour that doesn't require any qualifications? Do you enjoy meeting new people? Then grave digging is just the job for you! Apart from the fact that your clientele is dead......well, hopefully.

2. Forensic Entomologist
For those who are now scratching their heads, let me save you the trip to Google. A regular entomologist is a person that studies insects. Now while that is already sort of creepy in and of itself, a forensic entomologist studies insects in dead bodies. Think of Doctor Hodgens in the TV series Bones. So not only should you have an unhealthy interest in insects, you should also be fine with digging them out of corpses. Not exactly the kind of person I'd like to hang out with.....

3. Road Kill Removal Specialist
Yep, there are people who remove dead animals from the road. And because they can't do it during the day when the roads are busy, they do it at night. So you can sleep soundly tonight knowing that our roads will be safer because someone out there is dragging a kudu carcass around and mopping up the road surface.

4. Arachnologist
This is a person who studies spiders for a living. So someone wakes up in the morning, showers, gets dressed, and then goes out to handle spiders, stick them under a microscope, milk them for their venom, check out their silk and generally get all enthusiastic about something that has way more legs than it is supposed to. Why? Just why?

5. Forensic Scientist
This profession has been made to seem a lot more glamorous than it truly is by series like CSI and NCIS. More often than not you are asked to collect bits of human from accidents and the occasional crime scene. Then you spend the rest of the day putting them all back together again, studying them and generally trying to figure out what killed the unfortunate person in question.

6. Crime Scene Cleaner
After the guys who arrive first and get all the attention leave, it is up to the intrepid crime scene cleaner to tidy everything up. This can involve having to clean up bloodstains and pieces of brain or other fun and disgusting body parts. They even get called in to clean up meth labs and other drug creation sites. So, bored of your office cleaning job, are you? Maybe you can go and scrape some brain off a wall.

7. Blood Technician
Someone who works with blood for a living. A haemodialysis technician analyses blood, looking for diseases or mutations and variations. The upside to this job is that you can tell people you are a vampire when asked what you do for a living.

8. Taxidermist
Someone who preserves animals, whether for hunters, museums or just the little old lady that is not quite ready to part with her beloved family pet. Not exactly my cup of tea.....

9. Police Diver
A police diver has to swim around in murky conditions looking for bodies or evidence which has been discarded in a body of water. I suspect the only thing creepier than finding a body is finding a body when some fish have been feasting on it.

10. Clinical Trial Subject
When a new drug is created, it requires test subjects to see whether it actually works. Now seeing as they can't just randomly pull people off the streets and inject them full of weird and wonderful things to see whether they grow a third nipple or glow in the dark, they have to ask for volunteers. While this is a relatively well-paying job, you have to get used to developing some strange side-effects. After all, they don't quite know what this drug is going to do to you until they test it. So when the nice paycheck arrives, you can use it for surgery to amputate your newly grown tail.....