24 Blackbirds Baked in a Pie

Recently a friend commented that, after a night of serious drinking, there is nothing as filling and delicious as a pie bought at a petrol station. I found this statement to be rather ludicrous, as at that time I am rather certain that your brain, which is by now floating in various types of liquor, would hardly be capable of giving a valid opinion. With that in mind I have purchased some of these pies while sober and, after forcing down something that is rather greasy and that is definitely lying about its contents, I begin to understand why you would want to consume large amounts of alcohol first. Just as one gets beer goggles which allow even the largest member of the opposite sex to suddenly turn into a supermodel, you also get pie goggles which accomplish the same with an ancient petrol station pastry.

Now I understand that you can purchase pies which are a bit more reputable, such as those sold by London Pie Company (whose Cornish pies are divine), King Pie and quite a few bakeries, but at the time of night that most folks finish punishing their livers, none of those establishments are open. In trying to understand why pies have reached the status of post-booze lifesavers, I happened upon whole websites dedicated to the humble pastry that we take for granted. There is a site that has pages upon pages of quotes featuring the pie. I thought I would share a few:

“We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.”

“A cherry pie is . . . ephemeral. From the moment it emerges from the oven it begins a steep decline: from too hot to edible to cold to stale to mouldy, and finally to a post-pie state where only history can tell you that it was once considered food. The pie is a parable of human life.”

“America has developed a pie tradition unequivocally and unapologetically at the sweet end of the scale, and at no time is this better demonstrated than at Thanksgiving.”

“We have been careless with our pie repertoire. The demise of apple-pear pie with figs and saffron and orengeado pies are tragic losses.”

“In his bachelor's heart of hearts, he loved pie with an intensity that alarmed him. Yet, when he was offered seconds, he usually refused. "Wouldn't you like another piece of this nice coconut pie, Father?" he might be asked. "No, I don't believe I'd care for anymore," he'd say. An outright lie!”

“It could be argued that there is an element of entertainment in every pie, as every pie is inherently a surprise by virtue of its crust.”

So it appears that this simple yet delicious pastry has a massive worldwide following. So it seems only fitting that I end this post with a quote by one of my all-time favourite authors, Terry Pratchett, about the pie (among other things). It is from his Discworld novel The Last Continent, and if you have never read it, I urge you to do so!

"There is such thing as an edible, nay delicious, meat pie floater, its mushy peas of just the right consistency, its tomato sauce piquant in its cheekiness, its pie filling tending even towards named parts of the animal. There are platonic burgers made of beef instead of cow lips and hooves. There are fish ‘n’ chips where the fish is more than just a white goo lurking at the bottom of a batter casing and you can’t use the chips to shave with. There are hot dog fillings which have more in common with meat than mere pinkness, whose lucky consumers don’t apply mustard because that would spoil the taste. It’s just that people can be trained to prefer the other sort, and seek it out. It’s as if Machiavelli had written a cookery book.

Even so, there is no excuse for putting pineapple on pizza."

A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down

Last night I visited my sister and her fiance. My folks joined us and we had an incredible dinner and some good conversation. At some point though, the conversation turned to medicine, and the different types of pills that they take for various ailments. This baffled me, as I only ever take any pills during the occasional headache. And even then the headache must reach legendary proportions before I will reach for medicinal relief! So to hear them discuss medicines for everything from aches and pains to skin conditions left me rather confused. At one point I was sure they were making up names for pills just to mess with me. I had never heard of any of it!

I mean, who comes up with these names? It's like they think "Hmmm, we have a new drug. Best come up with a name that sounds complicated and very effective!" I'm pretty sure they just go "I know, we'll call this flu medicine Tetracaramellobearaprine. That way it sounds important and delicious, all at the same time!"

To give you a few real-world examples, there is Celebrex which is used to treat arthritis, Celexa for depression, Foradil for bronchitis, Palvix for thinning the blood and Lipitor which lowers cholesterol. To me Lipitor sounds like a super-villain from an 80's morning cartoon! Possibly one that kisses people to death! And these are all names approved by the good people at the FDA (The Food and Drug Administration). Maybe there is a logic to their naming convention. Maybe people do look at the medicine standing on the shelf and intuitively know what it is for. If not, there is probably a pill to help you with that. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go take some Hydrofishfingeranex......

Happy New....Wait, what are you doing?

So in my previous post I mentioned my bafflement at the custom of staying up until midnight to usher in the new year. I promise the new year will be there in the morning! Get some sleep! But that got me thinking, what other weird and unusual customs exist around the world to bring on the new year?

Philippines

There is a special belief in the Philippines that wearing something with round patterns or eating round fruits on New Year's Day will bring good luck for the entire year. People are seen wearing dresses designed with circular patterns or polka dots. Observing this weird New Year tradition is expected to attract good financial fortune, or make you look like you are part of an obscure circle worshiping cult.

Germany and Austria

The Germans and Austrians have a strange way of predicting things that are in store for them in the New Year. It is a process known as lead pouring in which molten lead is poured into a bowl containing water. Shapes formed by the molten lead in the water are then interpreted in order to predict events that are likely to take place in the next year. For example, if the molten lead takes the shape of an anchor, then the person who poured it is believed to require help in the New Year. A ball shape signifies good fortune for the person throughout the year while a cross shape would imply death. Probably from lead poisoning.

Mexico

Mexicans have the strange New Year tradition of securing happiness and luck by wearing colorful underwear on New Year's Eve. People looking for luck are seen wearing yellow underwear while those seeking love wear red or pink underwear. Who on earth checks up on the color of your underwear at midnight, I wonder? But then, with enough tequila, who cares!

Equador 

The good people of Ecuador observe a weird tradition to bid farewell to the year.  Burning portraits or photos is usually considered unpleasant in most countries but in Equador this is a source of great merriment on New Year's Eve. People gather outside their homes with photos that remind them of painful experiences during the previous year. These pictures are then burned with the belief that it will help them to get rid of the past and have a blank slate for the coming year. Seeing as this is also a time during which people imbibe in large amounts of alcohol, they might just end up burning down their house as well.

America

From the land of hamburgers and heartburn comes this strange tradition. At midnight, people kiss loved ones or even complete strangers in order to bring hope, love and joy in the coming year and to serve as a symbol of leaving the bad experiences of the past year behind. In the case of lots of alcohol and kissing a stranger, probably creating some new memories to regret in the new year.

Denmark

People in Denmark throw old, used dinner plates at their friends' doors on New Year’s Eve as a symbol of their integrity and loyalty towards their dear ones. While this could only be the result of being extremely drunk, if you hear the sound of smashing crockery outside your door at midnight, fear not, I will just be letting you know that I appreciate you!

 

A New Year has Arrived

And so another year has come and gone. We have officially said goodbye to 2015. Everyone celebrated New Year's Eve in their own way. Some celebrated it like this.....

Whereas others, including me, celebrated it like this......

While I appreciate that there is quite a bit of excitement at the thought of a new year, it is not as if that new year will stop happening if you do not stay awake to usher it in. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand celebrating the arrival of a new year, one with its own challenges and opportunities. A time for new beginnings and exciting new things. But I can still celebrate it in the morning after a good night's sleep, instead of sitting around with bleary eyes and a massive hangover.

This is also the time of the year where we set ridiculous goals for ourselves, goals that we know that we will not reach. A friend of mine sent me a post saying "I'm opening a gym called Resolutions. It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks and then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year." So instead of setting goals that are way out there, I'm just going to do this.....