The Devil Wears Prada, Luckily I Don't

I will be the first person to admit that I don't really concern myself with the latest fashions. Or any fashions for that matter. As long as the important bits are covered I consider myself clothed. But I know you get people out there who love the latest trends. People who swoon at the mention of the names of top designers. But I've never been able to understand why! To me a runway fashion show doesn't look like the latest cutting edge trends in the world of fashion, it looks like the fever dreams of a mildly concussed glue addict. Or the way Lady Gaga sees the world. Let me give you a few examples:

This looks like her dress is trying to suck her into a black hole

Presumably this is what happens when you ask a Japanese Anime writer to come up with clothing

Just the right outfit for a blind date. It may also be the only date

I assume she put this dress on backwards because she was in a hurry

This summer's latest look, The Alien Prostitute

The reason the Woolly Mammoth went extinct

The Matrix meets Pajamas

I can only assume they lightly electrocuted this model

I guess I will never understand modern fashions or the people that design them, presumably while under the influence of something extremely illegal and highly hallucinogenic. I also feel a great sense of relief over the fact that I have never seen these designs in my local Woolworths. But the day that happens I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the world has finally gone completely mad......

Stating the Obvious

This weekend I decided to go for a long overdue haircut. When left to its own devices, my hair will start resembling the kind of foliage you find on a jungle floor. With South Africa trapped in the middle of both a drought and a heat wave, I decided to go nice and short. This morning upon entering the office a colleague of mine took one look at me and exclaimed "You cut your hair!" to which I replied "No, I didn't". This baffled her so she said "But it is shorter" to which I replied "Yes, I concentrated very hard and pulled it back into my scalp". I realise that my response was probably a bit unnecessary but I find people's need to state the obvious baffling!

Between 2005 and 2007 I had long flowing locks that hung down between my shoulder blades. People would come up to me and exclaim "Your hair is so long!" What exactly am I supposed to do with that statement? I am quite aware of the fact that my hair is long, so it is not as if you are supplying me with information that I did not already possess! Am I supposed to say "Really? Well spotted! I never knew! Thank you so much for telling me!"

What baffles me even more is the fact that you see this almost compulsive need to state the obvious everywhere in your daily life. Let me give you a few examples:

Looking at these examples, it truly makes me believe that there is very little hope for the intelligence of human kind. And just in case you were wondering, you have reached the end of this post.....

Savvy Shopper

Shopping has always baffled me. It should be simple enough. You go to the store, select an item that you want/need, provide the cashier with some money and leave with your purchase. Easy, right? But no, shopping is needlessly complicated not by the shops themselves, but by the customers who frequent them! I did a previous post (which can be read here) in which I describe the various types of shoppers out there:

• The Ankle Bashers - these are people so focused on their shopping that they are completely unaware of their surroundings and proceed to wheel their trolleys into your ankles, usually being very unapologetic afterwards.
• The Long-lost Friends - these are people who haven't seen each other in ages and decide to catch up on lost time, usually in the middle of the pasta aisle.
• The Confused - these are people who will debate the merits of buying one brand of gherkins over another, usually for lengthy periods and also in the center of the aisle

This past weekend I had an experience that has inspired me to add another category to my list; The Oblivious Shopper. I was standing in front of the spices looking for a specific one when I felt something being added to my shopping basket. I glanced to my left to find a woman loading a few items into my basket without once looking in my direction. Behind her stood her extremely amused husband, watching the proceedings with a slight shake of his head. After his wife had wandered off, presumably to go ambush someone else with toilet paper, we removed the items from my basket and placed it in his. We were both having a good chuckle at the sheer absurdity of the situation. He then followed his wife to prevent her from adding tomato sauce to another shopper's trolley.

What is it about shopping that turns intelligent people into retail zombies? Walking into a store appears to lower your IQ by 50 points and causes you to do strange and unusual things like adding items to a complete stranger's basket or discussing the merits of No-Name Brand Baked Beans in the middle of the aisle. I would speculate on this strange phenomenon further, but I have to go check the fat content of canned peas......

The Voice

I quite enjoy singing. Whether it is in the shower, driving in my car or simply sitting around at home, I like to belt out a good tune. Usually when I am alone. Otherwise I might be asked to please stop making such a racket because I am scaring the neighbour's children and upsetting all the dogs in the neighbourhood. So singing might not be a talent of mine. But I enjoy it nonetheless. I also admire people who have perfected the art of singing. Someone who doesn't need to be edited in a soundroom before they sound like they might have some talent somewhere. Someone who has a beautiful voice and uses it to its full potential. People like Andrea Bochelli, Celine Dion, Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey. Now, while I am a fan of the aforementioned singers, I also enjoy people who are just starting out. Singers who are making a name for themselves on the strength of their voice alone. People who can sing a beautiful song and not be asked to please stop scaring old people. That's why I am also a big fan of acapella bands. These are singers who can sing haunting and lovely melodies, who can enthrall you with their vocal talents without the need for musical instruments. Which brings me neatly on to my next point. Some of these acapella bands have decided to include musical instruments as well, but using only their voices and natural talent. Bands like Pentatonix and Music Crowns. But, as they say, the proof is in the pudding (Mmmmm, pudding....) so I have put together a few videos for you to enjoy....

Music Crowns - Hotel California

Pentatonix - Daft Punk Medley

Michael Winslow (from Police Academy) - Whole Lotta Love

Peter Hollens - Song of the Misty Mountain

There are many more amazing vocal talents out there, unfortunately I won't be able to list all of them, but you can find the links to the artists shown above here:

Pentatonix
Peter Hollens
Michael Winslow
Music Crowns