The Dark Knight

Picture the following: the sound of an alarm pierces the still night, a crime is in progress. A powerful searchlight stabs the dark clouds painting the image of a gigantic bat for all to see. Somewhere in a dark cave a sleek black urban tank roars to life. The Caped Crusader is on his way! He arrives on the scene just in time to dramatically step from the shadows and punch the villain in the kidney!

The entire scene is infused with drama and action, and fear is struck into the hearts of evil-doers everywhere! But now, that got me wondering. You often see Batman emerging very dramatically from shadows in the comic books, films and animated series. But what would happen if his intended target was late, or didn't arrive? What would he do while waiting? Play Angry Birds? Check his Facebook? Imagine the following, Commissioner Gordon leaves the crime scene. Batman decides to wait for him in his office, in a conveniently dark corner so that he can emerge and share his thoughts with the chief of police. But Gordon doesn't arrive until much later. Can you just picture that conversation:
Batman: "Commissioner, I've been waiting for you."
Gordon: "GAH! How many times have I told you not to do that?! How long have you been in here?"
Batman: "About two hours or so."
Gordon: "Two hours?! What the hell have you been doing?!"
Batman: " I watered your fern and organised your stationary. I also Googled a nice quiche recipe and beat your Minesweeper score."
Gordon: "Why the hell would you do that?"
Batman: " Because.......(dramatic pause).....I'm Batman!"

I think that Batman spends a lot more time waiting around in order to make a dramatic entrance than is shown in popular media. But then, if you are Batman, who is going to argue with you?

The Rising Tide

So the other day I had a thought. (Don't look at me like that, guys can think too!) People keep complaining about rising ocean levels, terrified that it will cover pristine beaches and allow sharks to catch your poodle in the backyard. There are many theories as to why the oceans are rising. The main culprit, according to scientists, is the melting of the polar ice caps. This, they say, is because of global warming. "Ah yes, global warming", you say, nodding sagely. Yes, entirely possible. That horrible heating of the atmosphere caused by greenhouse gases, air pollution and political promises. But, as I have already explained here, they are all wrong about global warming!

After some seriously deep though, which may have included the consumption of an alcoholic beverage or two, I realised that the cause of rising sea levels is actually quite obvious......we keep putting stuff in the ocean! Think about it this way, when you fill a bathtub with water, and then get into it, the water level rises. Unless you are an anorexic supermodel, in which case it stays where it is. But when any NORMAL person gets into a tub of water, the water level rises. It is something so simple! Unfortunately I can't claim credit for this one. The ancient Greek scholar Archimedes decided to take a warm, relaxing bubble bath with some scented candles and soft music one evening. (Not entirely true but I'm using artistic license to set the scene here!) As he sank into the tub, the water level rose, spilling over onto the floor and thus accomplishing two things. One, he was struck by the realisation that the water was being displaced by his body sinking into it, and two, his wife probably started yelling at him for soaking the bathroom. He was so excited about his discovery that he exclaimed "Eureka!" and ran naked down the street, probably chased by his mop-wielding wife.

Now let's follow this thought through to its conclusion, which is that we keep putting more ships in the water, and the ships keep getting bigger and bigger. So inevitably, the water level will keep rising. Let me give you an example, the largest ship ever constructed was the Knock Nevis, now known as the Seawise Giant. This behemoth weighed close to 660 000 tons with a full cargo hold. At 458m, she was the longest ship ever constructed. She had 31 541 square meters of deck space. Now imagine what would happen if you put something of that size in the water!

There are currently countless supertankers, cargo ships, cruise liners, aircraft carriers and a wide variety of warships floating around on the oceans. And that's just on the surface! Beneath the waves we have submarines and submersibles and a few underwater research stations, not to mention the large collection of sunken wrecks scattered all over the ocean floor! If we keep adding stuff to the oceans, I'm pretty sure that one day soon taking the dog for a walk will look something like this....

Anger Management

So we had a power failure recently. Usually not a major issue, just a minor inconvenience. Except that the power didn't come back up. For three days! Unfortunately this meant calling our local Municipal offices for their assistance. And after all this time spent on the phone multiple times a day for updates and progress reports, I can say with full honesty that I would rather eat broken glass and wash it down with battery acid than deal with the municipality again! First of all, you call the municipal call center and listen to all the various mind-numbing options:

"For assistance in English, Press 1. For assistance in Afrikaans, Press 2. If you suspect we are wasting your time, Press 3. Just because we ARE actually wasting your time, Press 4."

Once you have waded through the myriad useless options, then they put you on hold, also with a pre-recorded message. Unfortunately they used the most bored person they could find to record said message, so you are left almost sobbing with depression at the end of it. I am convinced that they actually want to say the following:

"Your call is important to us. Not really, but we have to say that to put you at ease. All of our agents are currently busy ignoring your call. Your call will be answered as soon as an agent can be bothered to pick up the phone. Or after the poker game."

After three days of begging, pleading, threatening, swearing, ranting and raving they finally managed to gather enough surviving brain cells to send out a technician. And 15 minutes later the power was restored. The whole experience has left me feeling like this...

Terror

I am a big fan of games. And I am a big fan of sci-fi. I particularly enjoy the Alien franchise. So when I heard that they were bringing out a survival horror game based on the franchise I jumped at the chance to experience it. For those who don't know what I am talking about, the picture below should refresh your memory....

Everyone has at some point or another watched a film featuring the cuddly guy above. Known as xenomorphs, these things are terrifying killing machines, capable of running on the walls or ceilings, tearing metal apart like it was soggy toilet paper and eliciting a yelp of terror from even the hardiest gamer or movie-goer. And now they've turned dealing with these things into an interactive bladder-leaking experience.

The game is called Alien Isolation and puts you in a direct one-on-one confrontation with a xenomorph who stalks you relentlessly through the halls of a derelict space station. "Ah, at least they will give you the means to deal with this nasty critter!" you say. But no, they don't. Nothing you do will deter this thing from trying to suck your liver out through your nose. If you make a noise, it will find you and kill you. If it is in the area while you are walking about, it will find you and kill you. If you walk under an open air vent, it will kill you. If you sneeze, it will kill you. If you breathe, it will kill you. A friend and I have spent some time trying to get through the game without getting killed. We have failed hopelessly. Time and time again. We've even silently crawled around for literally hours on end, hiding in lockers and under beds, trying to outsmart our grinning foe, only to be violently janked out of an air-duct or locker and french kissed to death. But we love it! Yes it is frustrating and terrifying, but that is what makes this an awesome game. Someone once asked me just how terrifying this game really is. I'll let you judge for yourself....

Snakes On a Plane

Snakes! Since the beginning of time they have fascinated/intrigued/horrified us. And there are so many different kind of snakes that you'd be hard-pressed to try and remember them all. We are so fascinated by them that we make movies about them. Take the title to my post for example. Here is a movie made more terrifying by the prospect of being inside a pressurized tube hundreds of feet up in the air filled with slithering reptiles. Of course they just had to add Samuel L Jackson to it, because they also felt that the movie could use multiple instances of the word "motherf*cker".

Not too long ago I was in a pet shop. The main display was a massive glass tank with a 2 meter python in it. That wasn't disturbing. What disturbed me was the fact that the python was named Sugar! Why on earth would you want to call something that could squeeze the life out of you, and then eat you Sugar?! It's like calling a pit bull Muffin. It makes absolutely no sense to me!

Snakes have been kept as pets, been the stars in many movies, and have been the antagonists in many video games. Let's face it, we can't get away from them! Then there is the most famous snake of all, the one that mislead Eve in the Garden of Eden. Now, I am willing to give Eve the benefit of the doubt here. Everything was still new and shiny, so for her to have a conversation with a snake was probably nothing out of the ordinary. I, on the other hand, would have gone "Holy Crap! A talking snake!" and run off to fetch Adam, leaving the snake wondering what the hell just happened.

I don't mind people keeping snakes as pets, and I certainly don't mind them being included in popular media. But unfortunately, as fascinated as I am with them, I just can't bring myself to actually own one.....

The Grammar Nazis

So as an additional source of income, my lovely companion is a freelance editor for the University of Pretoria. This means that students (and sometimes lecturers) can send her their thesis for editing. This involves checking grammar, spacing, referencing and all sorts of other weird and mysterious things. And because of her thoroughness she is quite popular. Sometimes too popular! There are times where she has such a large workload that I have to step in and assist. Don't look at me like that! I am a trained proofreader, among other things! Now usually I don't mind assisting her, but there are times, like last night, when we come across a student who has heard about this thing called grammar, but doesn't really know or care how it works. Some of his sentences left us like this.....

You sense that he is trying to communicate, but you just can't figure out what he is trying to say! There are sentences that just end mid-sentence. Others have so many different thoughts crammed into one that at some point we were convinced he was gurgling with drain water or snorting baby powder.

Don't get me wrong, my lovely companion has edited for students who have written absolute masterpieces. Beautiful sentences, great ideas! In some cases it was so well written that you could easily form a picture in your mind. You could see exactly what they meant! And it is awesome! But some, like our unfortunate friend last night, leave you wondering whether they might be the Mad Hatter in disguise. When faced with such blatant disregard for the English language, there is but one facial expression that you can have when reading their work......

Recalculating

The other day my lovely companion and I looked up some directions on Google Maps. At first it was very confusing, but we finally managed to get our route planned out. But that got me thinking, are we starting to rely too much on technology? Is studying a paper map becoming a lost art? Now I've got nothing against using a GPS, but I've had more than a few rather weird experiences with them. A while back I had to go deliver a document to a Government department in another city. A city that I have never been to previously. So I thought "Not a problem, I have a GPS." After some fiddling and button pushing, and one or two colourful words, my destination was set. I told the GPS to start navigation. It promptly told me that it didn't have signal. That should have been warning sign number one. So I thought I'd drive in the general direction of the city in question and wait for the GPS to regain signal. When it finally regained its lost signal, it immediately told me to make a u-turn. On the freeway. Traveling at 120km/h. Needless to say I regarded it in the way that one would regard a person who had just sprouted a third eye while yodeling. After it realized that I wasn't going to follow its sage advice, it recalculated along the route I was driving. All went well until I reached the city, whereupon the GPS told me to make a left turn and then started recalculating. I was stunned. It had told me to turn left! And then it started rerouting! I was rather convinced that it was quite lost and wanted me to pull over so it could get its bearings again. Finally, after a minute or so, it regained its confidence and proceeded to lead me to my destination. Imagine my surprise when it proudly exclaimed that I had reached my destination, only for me to see the following....

There was absolutely nothing there! Just grass and some trees and very little else. I found myself wondering if the Government department that I was supposed to visit was underground, or invisible. Needless to say I turned around, much to the dismay of the GPS, who kept advising me to make a u-turn. After suppressing the urge to throw it out of the window, I turned it off and asked directions from a local. Less than 5 minutes later I was at my destination.

The scary thing is, I've heard of people who have driven into grasslands and even into the ocean because they blindly follow the suggestions of a device that is clearly trying to kill them. I'm convinced that the GPS gives you a false sense of security while secretly plotting your demise. So my mind has been made up, until technology improves, and until our electronic devices let go of their homicidal tendencies, I will rely on the trusty paper map!

Party Rock is in the House Tonight!

Well, okay, not tonight, but Saturday night. My lovely companion's 30th birthday party has finally arrived! The amount of effort and planning that went into this event was more intense than most military battle strategy sessions! But, after delving through the internet for party theme ideas (and getting quite freaked out by the wide variety of questionable themes available) we have finally settled on a Marvel and DC Heroes and Villains party. Yes, for a few hours on Saturday our house will resemble Comic Con. Only with better food and beverages. There will even be prizes awarded for the best dressed male and female.

 Now as with any party, we expected a bunch of people to just go "I don't want to dress up" and then rock up in t-shirt and jeans, but so far the response and enthusiasm is breathtaking! One friend even went so far as to ask if she can show up as Squirrel Girl. At first we thought she was joking, but turns out there is in fact a Squirrel Girl in the Marvel Universe!

So I am very happy to report that this will be an awesome party with many colorful and unique costumes! And we are looking forward to it immensely! That leaves just one question......who will I be going as? The truth is.......I AM IRON MAN!

The First of Many!

So, our little angel's first birthday has come and gone. It's hard to believe that it has been a year since she first cuddled her way into our lives! And what a year it has been! She surprises us daily with her cuteness and intelligence. And for such a special girl, you have to have a special first birthday party. This party was planned with more attention to detail than most nuclear strikes. Everything had to be perfect! So she received her first present on Saturday morning, and proceeded to play with the wrapping paper instead. Then we got her all dressed up for a special event. It is called "Smash the Cake" which basically involves putting down sheets everywhere, giving the baby a birthday cake and letting them have their way with it.

Our little angel enjoyed it immensely! When first presented with her vanilla and strawberry buttercream cake, she fell face first into it for the first bite. After that her time was spent alternating between eating off all the icing and posing for pictures. Thereafter she took a well-deserved nap while we went to the venue to prepare for the dedication ceremony. The dedication ceremony was a tremendous success, even though our little angel, with a massive amount of cake-induced energy, ran around laughing like a hyena the entire time! Then it was time for the after party. Another one of her birthday gifts featured quite prominently; an inflatable pool filled with coloured balls for her to play in. The manufacturers of said inflatable pool wanted to make sure that the air that you put into it stays there, but unfortunately they did it so well that it was next to impossible to actually get the air INTO it. After about an hour and a half spent huffing and puffing which would have made the big bad wolf glow with pride, it was inflated to all its glorious rainbow-coloured glory. The unadulterated joy on our little angel's face upon seeing her very own ball pit made all the effort worth it though!

After all was said and done, our little angel drifted to sleep for a well deserved rest, and we followed suit soon thereafter. All in all it was a very memorable first birthday. Even though the following day I had to spend some more time re-inflating her ball pit, which had been deflated for transport.....

Nice to Meet You!

My lovely companion and I have recently come to realise that we have produced quite the little social butterfly! Wherever our little angel goes, she makes friends with all the kids in her vicinity. Restaurants, shopping centers, you name it, she will find someone to chat to. Not that you can understand a word she's saying just yet.

This past weekend we took her grocery shopping with us. She spent the first 15 minutes of the shopping experience snoozing in the trolley, and then, refreshed after her power nap, spent the rest of the time frantically greeting passersby. Her standard greeting is waving while uttering a loud "HAAAAAAAAAAH!" causing most people to be rather startled, especially because most of them only notice her at that point. But then, it would be rather difficult to avoid a friendly toddler squealing in your ear!

My lovely companion takes our little angel to a playgroup once a week. Now there are a few activities that the moms and tots are required to do while at this playgroup, and all the OTHER moms and tots do them quite well. Our little angel, on the other hand, usually decides to explore and make friends. She takes up position in the middle of the floor, selects a likely candidate and crawls over for an introduction, usually leaving my lovely companion to follow her around apologizing to the other moms for the untimely interruption.

We don't mind the friendliness of our little angel, especially as she has shown herself to be an excellent judge of character! If she likes you, you are generally a good person. If she doesn't, and we have learned this from experience, there is usually a rather dodgy side that you are just hiding very well. But few people can escape her falcon-like scrutiny!

We love our little angel to bits, and we are enjoying every moment of her development. She surprises us daily, and at this rate who knows, she might just bring a little light to others as well!

Punching in a Dream

So the past while we've had the unfortunate privilege of receiving frequent visits from nocturnal entities not so interested in drinking our blood but more interested in taking our stuff. Just two nights ago some silent shadow tried to liberate my lovely companion's computer monitor through a window that he had managed to open. Now, while he might have thought this a simple task, in actual fact he did not take into account the size of the monitor relative to the size of the opening in the burglar bars. Hence, he didn't manage anything other than just making a mess.

On top of that the dogs heard his futile attempts and made a tremendous racket, which caused us to open the door and let them out. So not only was the would-be thief faced with the enormity of his failure, he was also faced with a frantically barking Australian Shepherd and a furious 60kg Boerboel. Unfortunately he made a clean getaway before either us or our extremely upset canines could get to him. For those readers who aren't sure what a Boerboel looks like.....

Now this whole situation was weighing heavily on me, occupying my thoughts with visions of various booby traps and other burglar catching technology. So it should come as no surprise that last night I even dreamt about it. In my dream I was walking towards our humble abode when the same would-be thief jumps out of the bushes, rushes at me and starts attacking me. Naturally I defend myself. In my mind I looked like a MMA fighter high on caffeine and Red Bull!

Unfortunately I woke up to a massive crash in our bedroom. Turns out that, while I was fighting my imaginary attacker, I had punched straight through the lamp on my bedstand in my sleep. My lovely companion was looking at me strangely, and both the cats that had up until that point been sleeping peacefully on the bed had vanished, one wetting the bed in the process. After clearing up the chaos (which was considerable) and remaking the bed so that we could continue sleeping, my lovely companion leaned over and whispered "You killed the bad lamp."

So I have come to realise that one shouldn't over-think things. You may just end up fighting with yourself!

Baby Steps

Since our little angel first made her debut 10 months ago, my lovely companion and I have been under the impression that she has some pressing engagement that we are unaware of. She started sitting up by herself and then crawling WAY before any of the guidelines said that she was supposed to. And now, much to our delight, she started taking her first steps!

The only thing that concerns me slightly is the fact that, once she mastered the art of crawling, she can now move about with an amazing turn of speed. It seems that my lovely companion has given birth to The Flash! We have to keep such a close eye on her, because one moment she'd be happily playing on the carpet next to us, the next moment she'd be outside on the patio chasing one of the dogs around! I sometimes wonder if she has the ability to teleport! Now that she has taken her first tentative steps, I am convinced that she'll be running everywhere soon. And now maybe she will actually get to that appointment that she seems to have! We'd better watch her closely, otherwise she'll be doing this next.....

Frozen

Winter has finally arrived in South Africa! Now usually winter in South Africa means that you walk out of your house in the morning and notice that it is only slightly cooler than usual. We have very mild winters over here. But you get freaky winters, like this one, where you walk out the door and 5 seconds later you can cut glass with your nipples!

Just last night I mentioned to my lovely companion that I am thus far unimpressed with our winter. It has not really been cold yet. In fact, most of the time you roll up your sleeves halfway through the day, and your jacket remains forgotten in the back of your closet. Then sometime during the night, the wind started howling, the trees started shedding leaves everywhere and when I walked out of the house this morning, I walked straight into the next Ice Age! I half expected to see a mammoth, a sabre-tooth tiger and a sloth engaging in pithy word play in my front yard. (For those who are now scratching their heads, see Ice Age, the animated movie.) It would seem that my casual remark about the mildness of our winter thus far has angered Mother Nature. She retaliated with polar temperatures, just to put me in my place. When faced with such a response, there is only one question you can ask.....do you wanna build a snowman?

The Dreaded Question

There exists a question, one that most guys fear more than "Does this make me look fat?" or "Do you think I've picked up weight?" No, the one that strikes terror into most men is "So whatcha thinking about?"

The reason that most guys fear this question with a passion is that, most of the time, we're not thinking anything. Yes, you read that right. We can sit without a single coherent thought passing through our brain. That is why guys can sit next to a dam or river for an entire day pretending to fish while not actually doing anything. The only effort required is to lift the bottle of beer to your lips and take a good gulp.

The thing is that women's minds are constantly active. They are famous for multi-tasking, whereas guys are most definitely not. A woman can think of the grocery list, what she needs to dress the kids in, plan the entire route to the shops/school/hair salon, think of what to make for dinner and still carry on a conversation about the cute blouse she saw in Woolworths the other day. In the same span of time a guy is giggling about cutting a loud fart and wondering what to wear that day.

Women just don't have the ability to clear their minds and think of......well, nothing. Whereas guys can do that with ease. That is why all men fear the question of what is passing through their mind at that point. Because answering "Nothing", while true, will result in a massive argument because the woman believes he doesn't want to tell her what deep thoughts he is pondering. So ladies, take note, there are times where we will stare into the distance with a vacant expression on our faces. This does not mean we are pondering ways to save the rainforest or finding life on Mars. Nope, it means our internal screensaver is on and we are giving our minds a rest....

Once Upon a Time

Every few years our politicians get up from their comfy chairs and decide to mingle with the public, kiss babies, smile broadly and make promises they don't intend to keep. And every political party has their own list of particular promises. Some promise more jobs and free housing, other free health care. One political party even promised to nationalize the ocean, because it is unfair that only a few people should benefit from it!

The biggest problem that we have in South African politics (apart from the fact that no-one in government actually knows what they're doing) is that we have a massive amount of large and small political parties all trying to get people to vote for them and thus diluting the whole voting process. My lovely companion recently mentioned that we should follow the American system and have just two major parties instead of 5 million small ones. And I agree with her. That way the reigning party can be held more accountable, and if they screw up, they can be booted out and the other one takes over. Unfortunately, even though they all promise to raise the dead, end world hunger and give everyone free Ferraris, those promises never realize. At this point there is so much fiction going on at the polls that I think we should start looking elsewhere for our political leaders.....

Down with the Sickness

I love oxtail. And before I continue expanding on this, let me just enlighten those who don't know what oxtail is. It is a rich stew made with veggies, gravy and the meat of an ox tail, hence the name. I'm not sure if this is purely a South African dish, but hey, it tastes good. I have just one problem; every time I eat it, no matter who makes it, I get sick. I have tried family recipes, internet recipes and various restaurant versions. No matter where I eat it, I end up like this...

Shortly after eating it I experience crippling stomach cramps, and then a OVERWHELMING desire to run to the bathroom, shut the door and make a variety of interesting and amusing noises.

Then I have friend who loves chocolate. If that is the only foodstuff that was left on earth, she'd be happy. She even has a full desk drawer filled to the brim with various chocolate bars. Other people have underwear/sock drawers, she has a chocolate drawer. There is only one problem; she is allergic to chocolate. More specifically, the cocoa in chocolate. Shortly after indulging in a chocolate bar (or five), she winds up like this...

A splitting, hangover-like headache, without the fun of having consumed any alcohol beforehand. For days on end.

My lovely companion suffers from a similar affliction, caused by any form of white bread or starch containing flour. But she enjoys pizza and pasta, and hence winds up holding her head, groaning softly and glaring at everyone after indulging.

This got me wondering, why do we do these things to ourselves? Why do we eat or drink things that we know will make us feel like we got hit over the head with a Klingon pain stick? The answer is simple, in my opinion; we enjoy the taste. We enjoy food. There is no point in eating if all you are going to eat is some nutritional slush that looks like week old porridge. We enjoy aromas, sights and tastes. Is it a good idea to continue eating the things that make us feel that way? Probably not. Are we going to keep doing it? You bet we will!

Tale as Old as Time

This time of the year always makes me panic slightly. Not because seasons are changing, or the leaves are starting to turn brown or anything so mundane and ordinary. No, it's because for some weird reason all my family members are celebrating a birthday. You have my mom and step-dad on the 1st of March, my father-in-law on the 22 of March, my dad on the 29th of March, my mother-in-law on the 2nd of April, my grandmother on the 3rd of April, my grandfather on the 5th of April and various friends throughout the rest of April.

So March/April is usually filled with cakes, presents and lots of spending. While I do enjoy a good measure of merriment, it got me wondering. Why do we celebrate birthdays? Is it a way to say "Congrats, you've made it through another year! Well done!". It wasn't that difficult really, I just did what I did every year so far, which is breathe, eat and sleep. Occasionally there is work and exercise somewhere in between. So I didn't do much.

Then I know some friends and family members who dread an approaching birthday, because you get older! Oh no! But then, aren't we getting older every day? Why must just this one day be such a big deal?

You know what, I'm not going to worry too much about it. It's a celebration of life. I will enjoy having some cake, having fun at the party and celebrating another year done and dusted. And seeing as my birthday also happens to fall in April, I will keep calm and party on!

Sleepless in South Africa

I have a rather fixed routine before I turn off the light and go to sleep. I usually indulge in a good book in order to clear my head and immerse myself in a realm of fantasy. Let's face it, everyone loves a good story! The fact that I know a few people who never read anything except food labels and the occasional Facebook post sort of horrifies me! But I digress. After reading a few chapters (and if it's a really good book, quite a few chapters, after which I am angry with myself) I usually turn the light off and think about what I've read. But there are times when the following is true....

It's like my brain has decided to go into overdrive and play back the day's events, or think about upcoming events, or tries to solve world hunger, or contemplates why Justin Bieber is so popular, or relives an awesome birthday cake I had when I was 4. It really was an awesome cake, by the way! But the point is that my body is begging me to go to sleep, but my brain is defiant. That got me wondering (with the lights out, while trying to fall asleep) why this is. Why, when we are exhausted and need our 8 hours of beauty sleep (or in my case, just sleep), do our brains decide that, "No, there are more important things to do right now. Sleep is very low on the priority list!" I have a friend who suffers from chronic insomnia for this very reason. His brain is way too active! So I decided to look into techniques to make you fall asleep. Counting sheep is out. My brain is like "1-2-3-4....hang on, what kind of sheep are they supposed to be? How high can a sheep jump? Am I making the fence too high? And what kind of fence is it supposed to be? If it's a picket fence, will they impale themselves? And when do sheep jump over fences? In winter, or summer? Should it be day or night?" And so on. Oddly enough, reading has been put forth as a way to gear your brain down and prepare for sleep. So I am on the right track. A glass of warm milk before bedtime has also been suggested, but if you're lactose intolerant, then you are screwed. All I know is that reading works for me, every time. So if you are suffering from overactive brain, curl up with a good read....

To the Polls Once More!

My lovely companion recently decided to enter our little angel in a baby competition. All of our friends and family have made comments along the lines of "You should lock yourselves in a room and just make babies, because you make beautiful babies!" Well, I can see their point:

So once again I humbly ask that you would vote for my cause. It is quite simple, painless, won't subscribe you to a monthly, weekly or daily thing where you get cute pictures or pithy sayings and won't use your vote to spam you with baby products. Please click on the link below and cast your vote. And as always, I will be ridiculously grateful!

Vote for our little angel here!

Sunlight

The other day I had a thought (something that happens to me when I least expect it). Everyone is on the global warming bandwagon. We are supposed to plant more trees and eat grass. Cows have become public enemy number one. In a recent study it was determined that the most greenhouse gases come from the rear end of cows. Yes, farting cows are destroying the planet!

In my opinion, that's just one more reason to eat meat! Save the planet! Have a steak! There has also been talk that pollution is contributing to global warming, and while I can understand the reasoning, I think all the scientists out there are missing one simple fact....the reason that the planet is gradually getting warmer, the reason that the polar ice caps are melting (time to stock up on inflatable pool chairs) is simply this, the sun is expanding.

Not as dramatic as most people would like, I know. But think about it. Our sun is classified as a yellow dwarf star. But that's not how it's going to stay. Because of many complicated (and highly nuclear) things that are happening inside the sun, it is slowly but surely evolving into a red giant star. Now before you run screaming to the supermarket for 1000 SPF sunscreen, I have been assured that this change actually takes a while. 5.4 billion years, to be exact. So you definitely have time to finish reading this post!

While I agree that humans aren't exactly the best at nurturing the planet, I do believe that thinking about this simple fact will put a few minds at ease. So for now, enjoy a beautiful sunrise, or marvel at a breathtaking sunset. Enjoy the sunlight on your face and the wind in your hair. The sun isn't going to kill us all just yet.....

I Didn't Quite Catch That......

I have discovered something slightly odd....when one develops a cold, people can't understand you, even though you are speaking english. It's like your congested nasal passages translates everything that comes out of your mouth into Russian. Or Ukrainian. Even though you are speaking a language that is spoken worldwide, and one that you speak every day, suddenly no-one can understand a word you are saying!

A good example would be a phone call that I had to make recently. I had to contact a call centre for product support. Unfortunately this call centre was in India, and the call centre agent's first language was not english, so I was in trouble from the opening line:

Call Centre Agent: Welcome to ***** Product Support, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, this is Adrian. I'm having issues with my ***** product. (That is what I said, but he heard "askd, haskrhahf, aioeurhasijijpanufea.)

CCA: I'm sorry Sir, please be repeating that?

Me: I said by dame ish Adrian. I'b having problems with by ***** product.

CCA: Okay Sir, what problems are you experiencing?

Me: I can't ushe the **** function. It keepsh (sniff) crashing. And when I (sniff, cough, snort) click on the (chesty cough) troubleshooting option, it (launches into coughing fit).....

CCA: I'm sorry Sir, I am not understanding the problem.

Me: I said I askrjh hfaioejnfaso fpadjkfsnajhod ap[osjkdfias!

CCA: I'm going to be putting you through to my manager Sir, please be holding....

Call cuts out

So, I got nowhere for two reasons, first I was coughing, sniffing, dying in his ear, so he was probably distracted. Second, I was doing my best to speak english but ended up just speaking snot. So his comment about putting me through to his manager was probably his excuse for dropping the call and then phoning the Centre for Disease control to report a case of Ebola.

Hopefully the cold meds will restore some semblance of spoken language to me, so that people don't look at me like I'm brain damaged when I talk. Either that or it will knock me out, leaving me drooling on my desk and thus unable to confuse people further. Seems that I just can't win!

A Day in the Life of a Baby

I woke up around 05:30 this morning and realised that I peed myself again. My lack of bladder control frustrates me, but I will master it! Decided to let Mom know I'm awake. I sent out a few verbal queues, but they went unheard, so I started kicking the crib. That achieved the desired effect. She changed my diaper and put me back in my crib with my bottle while she goes to the bathroom to stand under a mysterious stream of water that shoots from the wall. This will not do. I find that I cannot escape the crib, no matter how hard I try. After she has dressed, she puts me in my feeding chair for breakfast. I am still not sure what she's feeding me, but it's not too bad so I tolerate it. She is drinking something black that smells interesting, but refuses to share it with me. Not to worry, I'll sneak in a sip when she is not looking. I've already learned to snatch things from her plate when her attention is elsewhere, so sampling this interesting beverage is only a matter of time!

After breakfast, I am put in front of a PC with a DVD playing while Mom works. The DVD is interesting, so I don't mind too much. At some point I get bored though, and I have to let Mom know that I require alternate entertainment. She will place me in my baby gym, and I will be entertained for a short time. But I feel this is not enough. I can tolerate this on most days, but on other days I need to sit on her lap and have her undivided attention. This work thing can wait. I am quite sure that I am more important. After her work ends, we have lunch, and then it is time for my beauty sleep, or a nap, as Mom calls it. After my nap, Daddy usually comes home from work (yes, he does it too) and I bring him up to speed on the day's events.

I find it quite frustrating that my verbal communication is so ineffective. I spell things out quite clearly, but they seem not to understand a word I am saying. I've also had to modify my crying a few times in order to get their attention. I suspect I will have to stoop to their level and use the language that they use in order to communicate effectively.

I find crawling quite a challenge. It would appear that my arms and legs are determined to disobey me. I try to move forward, but almost always end up flat on my face, much to the amusement of my parents. Well, I will prove to them that I can rise to this challenge! I will be the one laughing one of these days!

Eventually, at the end of the day, after a bath and dinner, it is time to go to sleep. As I lay here in my crib, thinking through the events of today, I feel that progress is being made. And even though they frustrate me, and fail to understand a single thing I say, I find I still love both my Mommy and my Daddy......

The Cute and the Furious

Our little angel is growing up so quickly! Every day she delights us with her development. She laughs, figures things out, thinks for herself and continues to astound us with her intelligence. We love her to absolute bits, even if she does leave us a very stinky surprise every day. But last night something very different happened. At first we thought something was wrong. We had been entertaining her for about an hour or so, then we lay her down on the bed to prepare her bottle. She started screaming and flailing about. So we picked her up to check that all was well, and she was all smiles. Later when we put her down again, the same thing happened. I believe our little angel has just entered a new phase......

I have classified last night's scream as Tantrum Cry 1.0 (TM). She was......displeased about us putting her down, and let us know it in no uncertain terms! I think she was also quite frustrated about the fact that we didn't immediately catch on to the fact that she was angry at us. No, we did the new parent thing and immediately assumed something was wrong. We were convinced that something had bitten her, or her gums were bugging her, or she sensed that she lived in the same universe as Justin Bieber. Only a bit later, after some experimenting, did we realise that nothing was wrong, Her Royal Babyness just didn't want to be put to bed. I feel that the battle of the wills is starting. She will want to do what she wants to do, and we will want to do what we know is best for her. Because of her intelligence though I am convinced that she will start plotting revenge. She might drop a toy where we need to walk. In the middle of the night. Barefoot. With all the lights off. Or chew her cookies into a pulp and mash it into our bedsheets. As the saying goes "Revenge is a dish best served cold" or in her case, it might be a dish filled with baby puree that she can rub into our clothing.

I Told You So!

My lovely companion and I really look forward to a very special occasion every year......our cell phone upgrades. She, predictably, went for the latest Samsung Galaxy, whereas I decided to stick with Nokia. I like Nokia a lot. It's always been beautifully designed, and very dependable. Up until now. I decided to get myself a Nokia Lumia 920. Now I spend most of my days doing this...

This phone causes me a lot of headaches! There are times where I want to answer it, and it has just decided "No, you may not!" and refuses to let me pick up the call. Other times I turn on the internet or connect it to the wi-fi and it just locks up completely, for no reason other than to piss me off. And, being a Lumia, it has a fixed battery, so you can't even take that out to reset it. Thankfully, Google rescued me (and the freaking phone). I now know how to do a reset. And this phone does this for one simple reason, it runs Windows. They should've given me a keypad that slides out the bottom with just 3 buttons on it; Ctrl+Alt+Del. That would've made my life so much easier!

But, it is a well designed phone. And apart from its inherent Microsoftness, it has a few handy functions. It is also not too bad to look at.

It looks especially beautiful while flying through the air, with my lovely companion in the background going "I told you so"......

No Time to Waste!

My lovely companion posted the following on my Facebook page recently:

That got me thinking; few statements in this world are as true as that one. Before our little angel came along we could take our time, start the evening off slow. Maybe a nice dinner, a movie, some deep gazes into each others eyes (not during the movie, afterwards), and then build up to a nice luxurious end to the evening. One of those where even the neighbours would need cigarettes when we're done. That is the way it used to be.

After our little angel arrived, however, things have changed a bit. We've learned to time our more romantic inclinations with her sleeping patterns. This is after learning the hard (no pun intended) way that taking our time just doesn't work any more. It would be the usual build-up, the loving gazes, the naughty smiles, the soft kisses, the tender undressing, the foreplay, and just when things are really getting going, you'd hear a sigh from the direction of the crib. All action is paused while we assess how awake she is. Then with a gurgle or a little sniffle from our little angel, we'd realise that our time is up. So now our romantic evenings are scheduled around when the little angel visits grandma. Then we can take our time and stretch out the enjoyment. But while our little angel is with us, quickies are all we'll have.....