Surprise!

Since my lovely companion has already mentioned it in her blog I am jumping at the chance to announce it as well, my lovely companion is carrying life within her! At this moment she is producing a human being which will form and grow and eventually start using her bowels as kickboxing punching bags. Now, I am well aware that pregnancy does strange things to women. Obviously there is morning sickness, which I find hilarious because my lovely companion never ever gets sick. Finding out what she can and can't eat is quite the adventure, because she usually only starts feeling queasy after she's eaten whatever it is her body has suddenly developed a problem with. Needless to say that my lovely companion is not very impressed with my amusement at her affliction. Then there is the one thing that man fear more than the question "Does this make me look fat?" and that is pregnancy cravings. Thankfully my lovely companion is craving red meat, and lots of it. We live a short distance from at least 3 steak houses, so obtaining that particular craving is not an issue. I am more worried that the cravings will start to morph into something more sinister, and I'd have to scour the city in the middle of the night looking for pizza topped with fish fingers, strawberries, cheddar cheese, kiwi fruit and soya mince. Then, there is also a very surprising side-effect of pregnancy that no-one ever tells you about. We all know about the hormonal changes and the effect they have (the previously mentioned cravings, morning sickness and the fact that her boobs now make Pamela Anderson blush) but no-one warned us about the Tourettes. Yes, indeed. She now swears like a sailor without quite knowing why. I have dubbed the condition Pregnancy Tourettes. We'd be having a conversation (non-violent, I promise) and suddenly an F-Bomb would enter the equation for no apparent reason. And she can't explain her outbursts, they just happen. I have learned to live with it though. I mean, all men like it when their wives talk dirty to them, right? I have also learned to keep my mouth shut. Pregnant women are like little (See what I did there?) atomic bombs, just waiting for you to push the wrong button. Thankfully the books that I am reading are full of helpful hints like "Don't say that." or "Rather just keep it to yourself." One book mentions a (probably deceased) guy who saw his heavily pregnant wife walk out of the bathroom wearing just a thong and thought to himself "Hmmm, she looks just like a sumo wrestler." Unfortunately for this poor soul he actually said it aloud and then had a furious half naked woman punching him in the face. So while the idea of a half naked spouse appeals to me (who knows, she may become fully naked) the idea of facing her wrath does not, so I have learned to keep my opinions wisely to myself. As the saying goes, hell hath no fury (and so on), and you better believe it!

It's a New Year!

A new year has arrived, and this usually means only one thing; New Year's Resolutions. For some it is to quit smoking, for others to stop drinking, and for me (and probably quite a few others as well) it is to get back into shape again. The odd thing about a new year is how it encourages us to make promises to ourselves (which we tend not to keep anyway). It's almost like we feel magically renewed and ready for whatever lies ahead. And don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with promising to better ourselves. It's the follow-through that is a bit of an issue. For example, I started out doing cardio exercises in December. It took only a short time for me to realise that I was not pushing myself. That falling off of your exercise machine after a paltry 5 minutes (with breaks in between) was not going to get the job done. So I decided to push myself and see what I am capable of. And lo and behold, I was actually capable of an hour on the machine, during which time I was sweating like I was in a sauna, and pulling a wide variety of faces that would surely scare even the dead. (Not to mention my lovely companion). I have now dedicated myself to a routine that sees me spending an hour on the exercise machine every morning, sweating excessively and scaring the dogs with my facial expressions. There is just one problem.....it is extremely boring! Sure, I have the music going and I am peddling like I'm in a marathon, but the view doesn't change and the wind in my hair is courtesy of a fan situated on a desk. And it's not like you can read a book or something, not if you have a machine like mine.

It is called an Orbitrek, and don't let the happily smiling fitness model fool you, there is nothing to smile about once you get going. Your legs are begging you to stop about 3-5 minutes in, which you then have to push through. After a while it does get easier, as your body just gives up yelling at you and decides to drench you in very unflattering sweat instead while planning diabolical muscle stiffness for later on. But what a workout! It even gives you a little indicator which tells you your speed, distance traveled and how many calories you have burned (which is annoyingly little after an hour). So, my New Year's Resolution should actually not be to get in shape, but rather just be to spend an hour every day without getting bored out of my mind. Maybe I should think up games while I'm peddling. Maybe I should pull more innovative faces and see if I can get the dogs to actually run out of the room yelping. Or maybe I should just shut up and keep peddling.....